Need advice getting girlfriend to get off the couch

LegacyUser

Good afternoon ladies,

Am going unreg as she sometimes visits boards.
I am looking for a little bit of advice regarding my other(read better) half. We are both a bit on the cuddly side and have both wanted to lose weight for sometime. For her new years resolution she says she wants to lose a significant amount and has given up sweets, and chocolate and beer, and she is sticking to it, which I give her kudos for.

The problem in my eyes is she spends so much time sat on the couch watching TV or playing with the computer. Christmas was the real eye opener, because I did all the cooking over the christmas period, including Christmas day and New years eve/day, and the days in between, and most of the cleaning up afterwards(something I would nearly like to dedicate a thread to in itself). Now the christmas holiday has ended and it is visibly obvious that she put on weight over christmas. She keeps talking about going to the gym etc and my mind wants to scream at her, "Just get off your arse and do something!". I know it sounds cruel, and like I said I am hardly Adonis myself, but I suppose I am getting tired of the small amount of help I am getting at home, and at the same time seeing the effects of her not moving.

I even think if she did half the work I did in the house she could still eat chocolate and make improvements weight wise.

She comes in from work and goes on facebook/the internet, and then says she is hungry, and I go and cook dinner, and she is still watching TV/laptop when dinner is ready, and when it is done I ask her to do the washing up and she is too tired to do that, so either she defers it to the next day, or refuses. Either way I end up washing the stuff either that night, or the next day as I am about to start cooking again.

It would be fine if I was a stay at home dad, or home-husband, and this was my 'job', but I have a job too. I work the same hours as her.

In the past, I have tried 'going on strike' where I leave the responsibility of sourcing, cooking and cleaning up after the meal to her, but it inevitably results in me going hungry. And the deal of one person cook, the other person clean fails after about 2 days like I mentioned above.

I just want her to stop playing stupid games on facebook, where the only exercise she is getting is her mouse finger, and do something.

Is there anything I can do to subtly get her off the couch? Without setting fire to it?

I have specifically posted this here in the Ladies lounge as I would like open, honest and frank woman to woman advice(even though im a man).

I really appreciate any advice you can give.

Thanks

baby and crumble

Well I see 2 problems here: firstly i reckon you're bored because your gf doesn't seem to be doing anything in the evenings with you, and also thats it's non-active. I sympthise with both, because i do like my gaming and web browsing, but i go a bit stir-crazy when I'm stuck doing nothing active for any length of time.

Secondly, you're frustrated (and rightly so) about being a bit of a dogsbody around the house. Pardon my bluntness, but I think one of 2 things is happening here: your gf is bone lazy, or there could be something underlying it all, like depression. I know when I lived with my GF for a while, even though I was commuting to Dublin from Kildare every day I ended up doing everything in the house, pretty much, because she was severely depressed. It caused some serious aggro until she went and got checked out with her gp. Now, if she isn't bone lazy, and hasn't been at the start of your relationship (and you'll hve a good idea yourself), then I'd see if she'd go tot he gp to get checked out, becuse either way she shouldn't be so tired after a day at work that she can't lift a finger to clean up after dinner! I have been so exhausted after a day that i couldn't really do anything but I went and got it checked, turns out I have serious anaemia. Now I'm grand with bundles of energy! (yay steak!)

Eithr way, I don't blame you for wanting to see a change. Perhaps suggest kindly that your gf goes to see a doc about her tiredness, and explain that really, you're worried about her lack of energy, which really needs to be looked at. While she's there her doc may bring up a discussion of her habits, and speaking them out loud might spur her into action!

I think you're right to be frustrated, and I'd offer the same advice to a woman coming in with a guy who does nothing- it's not acceptable to expect to be waited on, hand and foot. You deserve some equal rights too!

LegacyUser

it seems to me like you are more frustrated about the lack of help around the house than the weight issue TBH, it's really up to herself if she wants to lose it or not but it's unreasonable not to share the workload.

one idea would be to buy a few tupperware containers and when you are making dinner, make some extra and store the remainder in the tupperware which can then be refrigerated or frozen. you will then be able to eat some dinner without having the whole mess that goes along with cooking food.

this gives you a couple of options. you can just carry on as you are now doing all the work but with less frequency or you could keep the pre-cooked food for yourself and direct the girlfriend to the kitchen when she complains about being hungry. of course this means she mightn't wash up after herself and leave it all for you to do next time you do the cooking, but you should refuse to do any work at all until she does her fair share.

it looks like you will have to have it out with her at some stage, tell her that it simply isn't fair that you should do everything (especially when both of you are working) and make sure you stick to your guns or else she won't get the message and you will end up getting more and more frustrated!

LegacyUser

If your GF is overweight, it's tough to make the first step of going to a gym, where invariably there are a plethora of toned/tanned women& muscled men walking around- it can be intimidating/embarrassing if you yourself are "a bit cuddly", as you put it. Why not do things together- head for a long walk, play a game of squash, dance classes?
Inactivity is a bit of a vicious circle; the more inactive you are, the more tired you become! Often, after a bit of exercise, you're buzzing with energy. Start of slow, and with something fun& enjoyable.
As regards the helping out around the house issue, what would happen if the internet connection was to "mysteriously" not work one evening? Or even for a couple of evenings. You may need to send away the computor to be "repaired"- this would give you both some quality time. Think about it. Desperate times, desperate measures

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. Yes it would be terrible, terrible, Oh father isn't it terrible, if Facebook was inaccessible for a couple of days, that might be a start. Then simply get her out of that habit and into another one.

I'll try that, while remaining subtle. If nothing else works, I will have to have it out with her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

For losing weight diet is more important than excersise - especially for women

But you have a massive problem here - she's a lazy bint. You shouldn't have to be her slave.

I'd start by not cooking her dinner and only clean dishes you use. You are partly responsible here because you are enabling her behaviour.

Havea proper talk - tell her its not on. Last thing you want is to build up a passive aggressive rage toward her.

boarddotie

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

For losing weight diet is more important than excersise - especially for women

The OP hasnt really mentioned that her losing weight is his problem with her its the fact she is lazy. Exercise is far more important if he wants his GF to make long term lifestyle changes rather than just losing a few lbs and yo-yo dieting. Exercise will give her that buzz to make her feel better and be less inclined to sit in front of the box or facebook. With diet alone we would all just be lack lustre (due to the lower calorie intake), miserable (due to depriving ourselves) fookers with sagging skin (from the muscle wastage) and thats not what the OP is interested in!

OP, she is taking advantage of you big time. I would feel dead guilty if I was doing that to my BF and he felt like you felt. HOWEVER, if I was to sit on my arras and my BF hapily made the meals and cleaned up I would happily sit there and let him. I would be feeling spoiled and loved and cared for. As in I deserve to have this done for me. Not a good dynamic. You will, and are, only become resentful.

You have to talk to her about chore sharing. Dont mention her laziness or she will have her back up...

Distorted

I don't know if theres anything you can do, OP. I think the motivation to change has to come from the person themselves. You can encourage them, but you can't do it for them. I find it a bit revolting that she can't even do a bit of housework to keep the place clean - presumably if you don't do it, it won't get done? My fiance's brother's girlfriend is like this, except she doesn't work, and a couple of times I visited them and she'd just throw biscuit wrappers on the floor instead of putting them in the bin and leave out chicken carcasses in the kitchen for a week, etc, etc.. She won'tdo the cooking either, and now she has a baby, guess who changes the nappies - not her! Its like she doesn't see the mess.

Maybe she needs some kind of shock to make her realise how bad her habits have become? Like a health assessment by a doctor, telling her that if she continues her bad habits, it will affect her health sooner or later? Some people I think can make themselves believe they are doing fine and no doubt her sitting surfing the internet on the sofa is her security blanket. Even if she could find an exercise class a few times a week that could become her new security blanket, that might work.