GF has NO friends

LegacyUser

Hi
We're both seperated. 40s, together 18 months, very happy too I'm glad to say

However I find it strange that my GF has NO friends AT ALL..no one to go for a cofee, drink, shopping, etc etc etc

It does put pressure on me as when I head off somewhere for the day / evening I envariably feel guilty that she's probably alone at home, I even sometimes forgo outings or come home early from trips etc
She has a couple of sisters nearby but although they do get on they dont really see much of each other
Whilst we're very happy I do wish she had other outlets in life other than work / me

Not sure why I'm posting this, just curious as to people's thoughts on this?

Chinafoot

Has she ever discussed her lack of friends with you? Does she see it as an issue or is she happy with her own company?

Returning early from trips and passing up on other occassions seems unnecessary. Has she asked you to do this or are you putting your own feelings on the subject in play here? I doubt she'd like to think her boyfriend is feeling sorry for her.

If its not an issue for her then it shouldn't be an issue for you.

LegacyUser

Its possible she lost alot of friends through her married years, it happens to lots of women who get so wrapped in their relationships that their friendships dwindle over the years. I wouldn't get too hung up on it.

ShortieCake

My advise on this is that if YOU think its strange that she doesnt have any friends then SHE is probably extremely aware of the fact too and doesnt feel too good about it. Especially if she sees you going off with your mates and having a good time. Unpleasant thougths go through your head when youre sitting in alone on a Friday night and you wonder why.

I was in this situation in a relationship at a time in my life where there werent many of my friends around and my partner decided to bring it up with me and I dont know why but I found it very patronising and I got defensive. I think this is because I saw it as a reflection on myself that I wasnt surrounded by friends, like I wasnt a fun person to be around. So I wouldnt advise that you bring it up wit her. Its not good for you to feel guilty either though, you need to do your things for yourself. Perhaps if there is a situation where you are going for a meal with a group ask her to come along and meet some new people.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

ShortieCake wrote: »

My advise on this is that if YOU think its strange that she doesnt have any friends then SHE is probably extremely aware of the fact too and doesnt feel too good about it. Especially if she sees you going off with your mates and having a good time. Unpleasant thougths go through your head when youre sitting in alone on a Friday night and you wonder why.

I was in this situation in a relationship at a time in my life where there werent many of my friends around and my partner decided to bring it up with me and I dont know why but I found it very patronising and I got defensive. I think this is because I saw it as a reflection on myself that I wasnt surrounded by friends, like I wasnt a fun person to be around. So I wouldnt advise that you bring it up wit her. Its not good for you to feel guilty either though, you need to do your things for yourself. Perhaps if there is a situation where you are going for a meal with a group ask her to come along and meet some new people.

Why should he tip toe around the subject though? She may be a loner or she may have lost touch with friends (which happens and is fair enough) or there may be a whole host of other reasons. I don't see why it should be off limits as they are in a relationship.

Of course, it all depends on how the subject is tackled- He needs to tread carefully, as it may be a touchy point with the GF that she has no friends.

OS119

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 wrote: »

....Of course, it all depends on how the subject is tackled- He needs to tread carefully, as it may be a touchy point with the GF that she has no friends.

they are both mature, experienced people, they've been together 18 months and it looks like they live together (or at least spend lots of time with each other), if the GF having no friends was a touchy subject for her i imagine the OP would have noticed it by now.

personally i don't see it either as an issue, or one thats any of the OP's business (unless she's killed all her friends and buried them under the patio...). lots of people that age - and any age - don't have friends, and are perfectly happy within themselves. the OP's girlfriend certainly appears to be...

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

OS119 wrote: »

they are both mature, experienced people, they've been together 18 months and it looks like they live together (or at least spend lots of time with each other), if the GF having no friends was a touchy subject for her i imagine the OP would have noticed it by now.

To be fair OS119, I only said it "may" be an issue and that was also in response to the previous poster who suggested it the GF might not feel too good about her lack of friends. I agree with this and think it is a distinct possibility, but I never said it was a definite.

Also, the OP didn't post and ask "do you think shes OK with having no friends". That wasn't the question he asked, and yes I don't doubt there are friendless people who are happy in themselves, but again OS119, that wasn't the question that was asked.

The OP has stated that he finds it strange that she has no friends, that he feels under pressure, that he wishes she has other outlets than him and work. This subject, if not addressed, could lead to issues between the two of them.

Thats why I do believe that the OP should talk to her. It will help him make sense of why she has no friends and maybe even provide reassurance in regard to the fact of him worrying about leaving her on her own.

Yes, we can speculate on whether the OP's GF is as happy as larry without friends, but clearly the OP isn't and thats why he posted here.

OS119

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 wrote: »

...The OP has stated that he finds it strange that she has no friends, that he feels under pressure, that he wishes she has other outlets than him and work. This subject, if not addressed, could lead to issues between the two of them.

Thats why I do believe that the OP should talk to her. It will help him make sense of why she has no friends and maybe even provide reassurance in regard to the fact of him worrying about leaving her on her own.

Yes, we can speculate on whether the OP's GF is as happy as larry without friends, but clearly the OP isn't and thats why he posted here.

its not the OP's business - he needs to just understand that his girlfriend is happy with the situation (again, he's a mature, experienced man who has been spending lots of time with his GF of 18 months - if his GF wasn't happy with the situation he'd be aware of that by now, that he isn't says she's not), and his problem with it is his problem, and not one his GF needs to cure by explaining herself to him.

the only problem is with the OP, not his GF, the OP makes no mention of her having any kind of issue either with him having friends and the amount of time he spends with them, or her not having friends.

perhaps instead of the OP's GF having to explain herself and her lifestyle in order to placate his issues, the OP could look at the boundaries between other peoples problems and his own.

LegacyUser

I have a feeling men and women will see this differently. If the Op is relatively social, I can see how this could be a very legitimate issue. I have been in a relationship where I was social and the ex wasnt, I would always compromise my own happiness, stay in instead of go out, if we were out be much more reserved, i really nearly lost my mind!

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

OS119 wrote: »

its not the OP's business - he needs to just understand that his girlfriend is happy with the situation (again, he's a mature, experienced man who has been spending lots of time with his GF of 18 months - if his GF wasn't happy with the situation he'd be aware of that by now, that he isn't says she's not), and his problem with it is his problem, and not one his GF needs to cure by explaining herself to him.

the only problem is with the OP, not his GF, the OP makes no mention of her having any kind of issue either with him having friends and the amount of time he spends with them, or her not having friends.

perhaps instead of the OP's GF having to explain herself and her lifestyle in order to placate his issues, the OP could look at the boundaries between other peoples problems and his own.

Not his business? How can values not be his business? They're Partners and partners should discuss values in life around various different things so I can't see how you can say that its not his business.

And yes, they've been together 18 months, yet the OP finds it "strange" that she has no friends. This suggests to me, although I may be wrong, that the subject of her lack of friends has never been discussed. I think if it were me and I were going out with someone who had not a single friend in the world, I would be looking to understand why.

Emme

*alittleadviceplease* wrote: »

Hi
We're both seperated. 40s, together 18 months, very happy too I'm glad to say

However I find it strange that my GF has NO friends AT ALL..no one to go for a cofee, drink, shopping, etc etc etc

If she has no friends she probably has little or no social outlets, so as a matter of interest how did you two meet? Are you a very sociable person yourself OP, have you a lot of friends or just a few close ones?

OS119

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 wrote: »

Not his business? How can values not be his business? They're Partners and partners should discuss values in life around various different things so I can't see how you can say that its not his business....

what on earth has it got to do with values?

does her not having friends - and apparently not being that bothered about it - indicate that she's a child abuser, a murderer, a philanderer, a prostitute or even a FF voter? does her not having friends indicate that she is unable to discuss with the OP such issues as Quantative Easing, the Triple Lock, the future of the UN and the concept of weighted voting, and the age of consent?

it appears to be a complete non-issue for the woman, something she neither thinks nor cares about, it only effects the OP because he has decided that it affects him and he's adjusted his behaviour because of it. its nothing to do with the GF's issues impacting on the OP, its all about the OP having a set view of what is 'right' for another adult and how awful it is for him when that other adult doesn't conform to his views.