My wife wants a baby but I want a house first

LegacyUser

We got married four months ago and my wife really wants to start trying for a baby.
I would love to have a baby too truth be told but I feel strongly that we should have our own house to bring them up in.

Biological clocks are ticking but I don't want to do it until I feel we can bring out child up in the best possible environment. Once she become pregnant how are we going to get a mortgage if she can't work and are down to one income only, will we be renters forever?

Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm nearing 40 and she's in the mid to late 20s so the "clock" i guess is more ticking on my side, at least her mother says so and my own family agrees. I really do want a kid but I want to give it the best possible upbringing and I really want to have my own house, garden etc where we can be a proper family together and not be at a landlords whim to sell and boot us out with minimum notice.

Any advice?, I love her to bits, I'd love a kid, but I want to do it right.

ForeverStuck

My own opinion would be that if know you want a family then go for it now.
Who knows how long it might take to get pregnant?
And there'll probably always be some expense/excuse or another hanging over you.
Anyways, I imagine that if you apply for a mortgage as a recently married couple with a wife in her twenties, the bank will probably take for granted that a baby is a possibility.

Liam Byrne

For what it's worth, I'd be of the same opinion as you, OP.

finbarrk

Id say keep working away untill she gets pregnant. Everything else will work out after that. You wouldnt be the first man in that prediciment.

Gyalist

One of my closest friends and his wife actually sold the family home about 4 years ago and put the substantial profit in the bank. They have been renting ever since even though they have two young children (the youngest born since they started renting) and they plan to rent for the forseeable future. They rent in a desireable part of Dublin and the rent is less than they would be payng if they had a mortgage on the property.

Renting is not second best to owning. In fact, in the current market it would be the most prudent thing to do. Go over to a website like www.thepropertypin.com and read the advice given to people facing a similar dilemma as yours.

killerking

WifeWantsBaby wrote: »

We got married four months ago and my wife really wants to start trying for a baby.
I would love to have a baby too truth be told but I feel strongly that we should have our own house to bring them up in.

Biological clocks are ticking but I don't want to do it until I feel we can bring out child up in the best possible environment. Once she become pregnant how are we going to get a mortgage if she can't work and are down to one income only, will we be renters forever?

Am I being unreasonable about this? I'm nearing 40 and she's in the mid to late 20s so the "clock" i guess is more ticking on my side, at least her mother says so and my own family agrees. I really do want a kid but I want to give it the best possible upbringing and I really want to have my own house, garden etc where we can be a proper family together and not be at a landlords whim to sell and boot us out with minimum notice.

Any advice?, I love her to bits, I'd love a kid, but I want to do it right.

A man can father children right up until the day you die whereas your wife can probably have children until about 45-50 years old.
Men in their 70's, 80's and 90's can father children.

ted1

i was the same. However we said feck it. We now rent in a great area paying less than a mortgage. It's the area we had planned to buy in however we have saved about two hundred on the house price and about the same in intrest repayments. We're still saving the difference between rent and mortgage and now plan to buy with in twelve months providing the market is good.

Chinafoot

killerking wrote: »

A man can father children right up until the day you die whereas your wife can probably have children until about 45-50 years old.
Men in their 70's, 80's and 90's can father children.

And who in their right mind would want to father a child at the age of 70/80/90? I'm sure the OP would like to also raise his child. Not simply have one before he dies.

OP, how close are you and your wife to getting a house of your own? Do you have money saved for a deposit? Have you spoken to any lenders about your mortgage options? Is it going to be a case of another few years before you're in a position to buy?

If so, if it were me, I wouldn't wait. As another poster said, you have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant or if its even possible for you both. It is currently a renters market and you'd most likely be paying less in rent than you would on a mortgage and with renting you also don't need to invest in the upkeep of the property. Financially it's probably a better time to have a child as owning a house is a very expensive business. I understand what you're saying about stability and not wanting to be kicked out, but once you're sensible about who you rent from you could secure a lengthy lease and its not like you can be turfed out with a days notice.

Talk to your wife and understand that she may be a little concerned about your age also. You're almost 40. Maybe she doesn't want you to be 60 when your child is 15.

Nody

You will most likely have a 25 to 30 year mortage; i.e. no matter how long you wait to have a child with your wife you will have a single income mortage to deal with. I'd go for it now and simply have both of you working and putting cash away; if you need two incomes to make the mortage work then your mortage is to high in the first place.

Neyite

killerking wrote: »

... whereas your wife can probably have children until about 45-50 years old.

Eh? Where are you getting this age range from?

A womans fertility drastically declines after 35, and pregnancies after the age of 40 carry an increased risk to the health of the baby and the mother.

OP, When do you think you will have your house? is it a couple of years? 5? 10? What time frame do you think it could happen for you? You need to compare this time frame to the baby time frame.

I suggest you do the sums. First, you can assume your wife since she is in her mid to late 20's has a 10 year window remaining to have your family. each pregnancy, etc will take a year or 18 months between babies, so if you want a family of 4, for instance,you can assume a minimum of 6 years to have this. Add on a year of trying. then if factor in that it is common (1 in 5) can pregnancys result in miscarraige, from which more time is taken. If there are problems concieving, your window leaves less time.

You have to also think, if you wait 10 years, you will be 50 when you start your family. You will be 65 with teenagers, you could be 80 walking your daughter up the aisle, or, you may not even live that long (sorry for being morbid.) my dad was in his mid forties when his family started, and died in his 80s. He will never see my first child, nor see me marry, same for my younger siblings. (but, that is an obviously biased view)

I was in the same position as you - I wanted kids, he wanted the house, first. My age, at 34 was a big factor in our decision. We decided that we would start while renting. If you think that you will have a house in 5 years, then could you compromise and aim for 2.5 years to start trying for your family.

Nevyn

A woman's fertility starts to decline at the age of 28 and while it is possible to concieve with out intervention being needed up until the mid 30s it takes longer and most couples do not know they have ferility issues until they start trying to have a family and then those hurdles plus being of decreased fertility due to age can greatly reduced their chances.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, your advice is really appreciated and helpful.
I hadn't really thought too much about being a pensioner and having teenagers with rampaging hormones running around, I'm not sure that equals a happy retirement!

Realistically we wont have a full deposit saved for about another year anyhow. I think in retrospect my parents might help out if we need it later, also the state of the economy and housing market I suppose means I shouldn't be in a rush to be tied down by a lump of bricks that i cannot easily sell for what i paid for it. I've no interest in being a landlord in the future either!

I'm going to talk it over with my wife. I think we shouldn't go crazy trying for a baby
(like you see on TV where couples scientifically calculate optimum days hours etc etc to do the deed!) but rather just let nature take its course and if/when it happens then we'll adjust and deal with it then.

Its great to get your opinions for and against, some of the posts here have put into words much more clearly what i was half thinking myself and helped to clarify what is best for both of us. Thanks

LegacyUser

I found myself in a similar position, we were renting, saving for our deposit and we had our first child. The biggest issue was the loss of the ability to save as we had to endure the cost of childcare. My advice to you is work out a plan (as in tighten your belts) and save as much as you can towards your deposit (at the expense of all other things) while your wife still works and you don't have the cost of childcare. This may then bring the timeframe to purchase your own place to within less than a year, it could mean the end of social lives for a few months but I'm sure that'll be compensated by all the love you'll both enjoy at home

LegacyUser

If you're approaching 40 years of age, presumably you've been in a working environment for anything up to 15years. Which begs the question, what have you been doing with your finances up to now? If you're not financially fluid now, after years of working, then it's unlikely that you'll be much more fluid in another 15years.
There'll never be a "proper" environment to bring up a child, it's not about "getting it right", it's about love and doing the best you can with what you have. I'm sure your future child would prefer a dad it could kick a ball around with, versus a wheezing pensioner who hands it some cash.