his ex is better looking than me

LegacyUser

Hi, I have some self esteem issues that I can't deal with, but i have tried. I am thin, very white skinned and have eczema on my legs and arms, a pretty face and long hair.

I used to be in the same uni as the girl that went out with my boyfriend 4 years ago (I am with him 3 years). They still talk, but he hasn't seen her in around 6 months. When I first saw her she was slightly frumpy and unkempt so thought nothing of it. The second time I saw her she was thinner, in a short skirt, little top , really pretty face, tan and straight teeth (no more braces obviously) and was talking to my boyfriend while he was at the bar with his friends (I was invited along, she was still there).

She went from being some frumpy girl with short hair and braces who i wasn't worried about, to someone he was eyeing up visually and I could see him looking down her top and laughing with her, I was over at a table talking to a few girls I know and was trying to ignore it. When she walked away he looked her up and down with flirty eyes. I ignored it all, did not confront him and decided it was better to be the bigger person.

I saw her at the airport when I was dropping my sister off just before christmas. Even though we were never formally introduced we know each other from passing on the halls in uni and from the pub that night.

He still talks to her and though she has a boyfriend I think he is a bit taken aback by how good looking she has become recently.

I wear make up (subtle amounts but enough to look well) and wash my hair every day, I shave my legs and keep myself well (the eczema I cannot control unfortunately) and while I don't have the money to keep a fancy wardrobe I try to loook good as much as possible..

I don't know what I'll do, can anyone give me some advice on how to not let this destroy what I have?

finbarrk

Maybe you only think she is better looking than you.

leeroybrown

TBH the worst thing you could really do is fixate on it. Be yourself and look after yourself for your own sake and not to compete with her in some way. Trying to be something you're not or getting worked up over it would probably be counter-productive. He's going out with you for a reason after all.

ElleEm

Your boyfriend is with you for a reason, cos he loves you.
He broke up with her for a reason. Just cos she has gotten more attractive doesn't mean that the reason they broke up is gone away.
I'm sure you wouldn't have spent three years with someone who was only interested in looks.
They were in a relationship in the past- so it's pretty normal that he would still speak to her occasionally.
Don't work yourself up over nothing, you're with him now!
Give him more credit- stop worrying that he will run away with her cos she was wearing a short skirt and has straight teeth!!! I'm sure you mean more to him than that.

amdublin

He's with your for a reason.

Yeah she may have been a plain girl when he was with her and a stunner now. But she may also have been a world class nag. Who knows!

Trust your boyfriend! He's not that shallow I am sure! And again he is with you for a reason. Control the controllables: she is outside your control, just concentrate on being the best girlfriend you can be.

LoGiE

I think you need to work on your self esteem first. In your post you've highlighted all these positive things about this other girl you admit you don't know and go on to list things you dislike about yourself.

There is nothing wrong with being thin and naturally pale skinned. The eczema you are suffering from is definitely controllable through medication and diet and play's a huge part of a sufferers self image and self worth. Go to see your doctor about a treatment and discuss a management regime for yourself and your eczema could disappear within a week.

Give your boyfriend some credit too. As other posters have mentioned he's with you now. You didn't see this girl as a threat before and now you do. Discuss these insecurities with your boyfriend but don't expect him to stare into the sky or avoid conversations when he sees other attractive women, he's not made of stone!

Sibylla

OP There will always be someone prettier whether they are an ex or not. What matters is that you feel secure enough in your relationship not to care.

killerking

Just because his ex is more beautiful than you doesn't mean she wasn't a pain in the behind when he was with her.
A guy makes different decisions about what kind of woman he likes.
I've gone out with really stunningly beautiful women who turned out to be boring, needy, terrible dancers, ignorant of music, books and films, not able to boil an egg, with no intellectual curiosity and were terrible in bed.
I've met chubby girls who were wonderful in every respect, really strong personalities, caring, thoughtful and really enjoyed sex.
So stop comparing yourself to other women.
You are as good as anybody.
I knew a guy in college who looked like a Hollywood hunk - he worked out, he dressed well, he was confident in the company of other guys but he was a disaster with women.
I know a guy who is bordering on a midget and is prematurely balding but women absolutely adore him because he is a great guy to be around and he gets as many women as all his mates put together.

AntiMatter

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/faq.php?faq=bie_faq_guidelines#faq_bie_faq_guidelines_medicalpro

Don't give/ request medical or professional advice

If you want to tell someone about the amazing results YOU have had with a certain medical treatment, then go ahead. What you can’t do is tell them that THEY should have that treatment. You aren’t a doctor. Even if you were, you haven’t examined that person physically, nor do you have a full medical history. This applies to Alternative/Complimentary medicine too. Suggesting to someone that has a serious problem that <insert alternative therapy here> might cure it is very irresponsible.

Don't diagnose anyone on the site either. You simply can’t and we don’t want you doing it. Don't do it.

Jenneke87

You might want to be careful saying things like that. Some types of eczema are for instance caused by food allergies, chemicals residing in the air or other things. You can massage oil all you want then, but it's not going to help a bit. Best let a GP sort that out.

Nevyn

Jenneke87 if you see an issue with a post please report it.

AntiMatter I suggest you take the time to read the rules for posting in this forum before you post again.

finbarrk

My opinion is that more than likely he will sample whats on offer up there.
Ye are probably too young to have a serious relationship anyway.
Thats life.

Nevyn

finbarrk that may be your opinion but how is that helpful to the orginal poster?

OP, definitely don't listen to finbarrk - your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Focus on that and trying to help your own self-esteem issues first.

Zen65

littleme123 wrote: »

Hi, I have some self esteem issues that I can't deal with, but i have tried. I am thin, very white skinned and have eczema on my legs and arms, a pretty face and long hair.

Hi Op,

You are not alone in having self-esteem issues, very many people who post here in PI have similar issues. I believe that you are placing far too much importance on how you look, very possibly because you believe others (especially your bf) place a very high importance on that?

I think it might help you to recall how you and your bf first met. Did he find you on a website somewhere, and contact you after seeing your picture? Did a friend give him your picture and he agreed to meet you?

Or did you meet in a bar or club somewhere and start talking? If it was something like this, then it's fair to say that your appearance is pleasing enough to him to make him want to get to know you a little better. He probably got to know a lot of people that way, as did you.

What's important really is that after getting to know you a little you both became involved in a relationship with each other. He chose you (and you chose him) not because you were the best-looking girl he ever met, but because something in your personalities "clicked" and he gets pleasure from your company.

Yes, most men would be happy if their girlfriends looked like Megan Fox (or insert appropriate Hollywood star name here) but very few spend their lives looking for her. Once you make an effort with your appearance (which is usually a good indication of personal awareness, self-belief, and self-confidence) that is all any man really expects from his partner.

You mention the eczema on your arms and legs, but has he ever commented on it? Has he ever asked you to hide your repugnant arms and legs from him?? No? That's probably because he hardly notices it. Almost all of us have some physical defect or other (I would not consider myself a looker, indeed I have a face that only a mother could love ) but if we don't dwell on these things then neither will others.

This other girl, his ex, is simply one of many girls that he knows who you might consider to be better-looking than yourself. You are attaching an importance to her because she was once in a relationship with him, but that relationship ended - and he knows why, but it probably didn't end because he thought she was not good-looking enough.

My last car was far nicer to look at than my current car, but it did not handle well. If somebody were to pimp my old car with a fancy paint job and new alloys etc it might look a lot better than my current car, but I would never go back to it. I know too well that it is a dog to drive.

(I hope that analogy is clear, I'm not good with car analogies!)

Anyway Op, focus on the things about you that he likes. Understand that knowing your own strengths is far more attractive to a man than any amount of make-up or fashionable clothes. Do not focus on this girl's appearance, nor that of any other girl. Focus on you, your charms, your kindness, your talents. That's what your bf is doing, that's why you're still together after 3 years.


Be at peace,

Z

mood

OP maybe she isn't as much fun as you, maybe she bored him or maybe they just don't have a spark. You need to stop comparing your self to her.

PS For eczema try to take a fish oil supplement or something. Get advice from a good health food store.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone .

I have read all of the advice that is on here and have taken onboard most of it. Regarding the eczema I have suffered many years of turmoil with it, I never bothered going back to the doctor about it because it seemed to just be constant regardless of what I did for it.

I am trying to work through these issues I have... Mainly I was just upset because he seems so settled with me, and yet it was like she lit a spark in him that day and I just felt like in going back over I was bringing the mood down or something. One main thing is that her chest is significantly bigger than mine is, i'm quite thin. That bothered me because I caught him looking there when he was talkign to her, but I suppose every man will look if it's on display... In her case it was a little white top with a push up bra. I'm not jealous, but it made me focus more on the fact that I haven't got that to show him.

We met working together in the same company but on different floors and departments, I only ever came down to him with queries on an account/transaction for example. We got talking after bumping into each other in the canteen and we eventually exchanged numbers and began to meet up.

I'm going to try and not fixate on this though, and focus more on me. I am considering a lifestyle change, or something to get my mind off this type of thing and make myself happy.

Thanks again to all

Sleepy

If you eat chocolate every day, sometimes you're going to look longingly at ice-cream every now and then. It doesn't mean you love chocolate any less

Whatever you do, don't let your issue with his ex become one you foist on him. The worst thing you can do is to behave in a needy / clingy fashion which will drive him insane.

A "lifestyle change" can often sound like a great quick fix but if you're making changes to your lifestyle be sure that they're things you want to change and not just something you're doing to 'keep your mind off things' or to 'make you more attractive to your boyfriend'. A new hobby, sport or interest can really get you excited about life again though and someone who's excited about life tends to be more attractive imho.