My Fiancée cheated

LegacyUser

Hey, just sitting here looking for some comfort in my time of need and I can across your post. My story boils down to the same thing really, I'll try to be brief;
I've been seeing my Fiancée for the past 7 yrs, we've been engaged for 5 of those years and we have two beautiful children one 6 and one 3yrs. For the first 4yrs of our relationship my fiancée lived in Dublin and me down the country, he had a really good job and I needed the support of my family to raise our child. Anyways, 3yrs ago when our second child was born he got a job down here and we became a family. Since I didn't work, money was tight but we we're doing good.

Putting any extra cash into doing stuff with the house etc. I decided last June to go to college, something I've always wanted to do and I got a place nursing in sligo! I was delighted and so was he, it seemed. We also decided last august to set the date for our wedding as anounced by him. So September came and I started college, I only got to spend a few weeks there when my son got diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes! Major shock, no one in the family has it. So while we're dealing with all that, I started to see signs of something going on with my partner, he became a bit withdrawn, and started staying later in work more often etc. I decided around Halloween that I should defer college, as I couldn't cope with the idea of leaving him with someone else, and he really wasn't well. Also around the time I had a miscarriage.

So December rolls around and I cant wait for xmass, spend time together and we go mad getting each other big presents to reward ourselves after the **** few months we had.Then the 15th of Dec and my fiancée is moody and withdrawn and I decided to get him to talk, he didn't do much talking but basically it ends with us breaking up! (me having to drag this out of him) I assume he's having his period,he spends the next few nights on the couch. On the Saturday before xmass, he's getting all ready for a party in Dublin, asking me to pick out clothes etc. I asked him if he was going as a single man, he said no, he couldn't do that and Id probably know etc. He went reluctantly and was kissing and cuddling so I thought, he just needs tonight to blow off steam and he'll be grand tomorrow. I went to the room and started tidying up clothes, found a receipt for a box of condoms (I always buy them) in his coat pocket, he had gone 40mins out of his way on the Monday to buy them.

We hadn't even broken up!! When he eventually came home on the Sunday night at 11, I had it out with him. I needed to see his face, eventually I get it out of him that there is someone else. He meet her through work, and had a spare phone and was in touch with her since September. This girl knows he was in a relationship and eventually she found out he had kids and she still carried on the relationship. Its just so horrible, I let him be here over the xmass for the kids and because after 7yrs I still cant believe its over. Over the past week he's been here two day and there two days. Also he went to her new years eve and spent it there so i was home alone. To make matters worse he text me at 9pm saying he made a mistake and he should of been here, so I told him to come back. He didn't and he rang the kids at 7pm tonight to tell them he wouldn't be back. He told me it would of been too awkward to leave!! I at least wanted the chance to try and talk to someone together, but he's fu*king me around in the worst way and I don't know how to be strong about it.

He's supposed to be moving out next week and making a plan with me for seeing the kids. He seems to have switched off to all of us and its unbearable. He told me he loves me, but doesn't think we have the same relationship as he has with the new girl. How could we?? She has no kids, lives at home with her parents and can do whatever she wants. He could never turn around and say he wasn't getting any love or attention at home because he always did. Its just so horrible, as I keep expecting him to walk in the door at any moment. Should I change my mobile no., start cutting him out, I just don't know how to do that with the kids. And the fact that I still love him desperately. All his crap is here too! How do you start switching your feelings off. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sorry for this long post that makes no sense.

Ickle Magoo

Given you your own thread so the one you posted in is just for replies relevant to the poster that started it. :cool:

hazydays

i'm so sorry to hear your story and just wanted to say i'm wishing you all the best in whatever way the new year takes you. you will come through it and be stronger and happier at the end of it. x

dublady

I feel from your post that you really need to talk this out with someone.A friend or family member or a relationship coach.
Its so tricky when there are kids involved but they need you now and will do for a while.They may find this very difficult but kids adjust very well once they know whats happening and that they are loved and safe.You can change your phone but you will need some contact with him so it may be best just to tell him you dont want him texting and calling.Try to focus on the positives at the moment your children and your health and family. etc you deserve a man who will love you and respect you and never be unfaithful to you..focus on what you want and what you feel is right for you and your kids.I wish you all the best for the year ahead and I hope your heartbreak eases.

discus

Considering that he moved down to where your family come from and was the sole earner (in order to let you mind the kids), I'd be suprised if he was "delighted" that you were leaving the family for the guts of 4 years to go to college... 'cause now he's the sole parent as well. I could imagine it was a bit lonely for him all right.

Personally, I'd be quite resentful of a partner who suggested she wanted that, let alone one who went through with it. Just a thought.

astra2000

Feelingcrap wrote: »

Hey, just sitting here looking for some comfort in my time of need and I can across your post. My story boils down to the same thing really, I'll try to be brief;
I've been seeing my Fiancée for the past 7 yrs, we've been engaged for 5 of those years and we have two beautiful children one 6 and one 3yrs. For the first 4yrs of our relationship my fiancée lived in Dublin and me down the country, he had a really good job and I needed the support of my family to raise our child.
I assume he's having his period,he spends the next few nights on the couch..

What does that mean?
Also I just do not understand you living down the country to have your familys support, surely having the support of your partner and childs father should have been more important.
Having said all that he is treating you terribly, but from the way you have described your relationship, it sounds like it was all over the place.
Dont allow him to manipulate you, it sounds as if he is hedging his bets, seeing this girl and sending you texts and telling you he loves you. I think he will continue to behave like this until he decides which one of you it is HE wants. He has cheated on you, he is choosing this girl over his family, would you really want him back? Can you imagine what your relationship would be like if you did? I would find it hard to see that you would ever be able to trust him again
. You cant switch off your feelings but you can remember how badly he has/is treating you. Unfortunatly you cant cut him out as you have children. You need to set some ground rules regarding access maintainance and contact. Please try and keep things civil for the kids sake, dont contact him unless it is about the children. You could try mediation services if you are unable to reach an amicable agreement regarding access. Best of luck

Chinafoot

discus wrote: »

Considering that he moved down to where your family come from and was the sole earner (in order to let you mind the kids), I'd be suprised if he was "delighted" that you were leaving the family for the guts of 4 years to go to college... 'cause now he's the sole parent as well. I could imagine it was a bit lonely for him all right.

Personally, I'd be quite resentful of a partner who suggested she wanted that, let alone one who went through with it. Just a thought.

You'd be resentful of a partner who tried to further her education in order to provide a better life for her family, including you, in the future? Thats incredibly short sighted. How is she "leaving the family for 4 years"? And as for him "letting" her mind the kids....jesus. Have you any idea how much childcare costs in this country? More often than not, it works out more expensive for both parents to work and pay for childcare. It can be financially far more viable for one parent to give up work (depending on what salary we're talking about) and mind the children fulltime. Regardless, these are situations that he clearly agreed to.

If the boyfriend did indeed have such a view of things he should have done the adult and respectful thing and actually spoken to his partner of 7 years. Running off with someone else is hardly the right thing to do now is it? The whole tone of your post places blame on the OP and that is incredibly unfair. They both made the decision to have kids, they both would have made the decision about her going to college. You really think him feeling "lonely" is justification for what he has done?

OP, do not start blaming yourself. From what you have said your ex-fiance wants the single life with a carefree young one who doesn't have the kids and stresses of an adult life. He sounds like he needs to grow up. Unless he's going to completely turn his back on his kids he's never going to have the single life.

I know it hurts now and you must be heartbroken and terrified for the future but, as cliche as it sounds, things will improve. Focus on your kids and their future and perhaps consider some counselling to help you through this. Keep your family and good friends close to you, and don't feel like you have to go through it all alone.

Consider yourself lucky that this happened before you married him. You have dodged a bullet here, don't forget that.

whitehallp

First of all sorry to hear about all of that. The world is upsidedown sometimes:(. What an idiot! Of course its easier to go have fun than face up to what would bring you lasting happiness, i.e. a home with your kids and their mother.

But, unfortunately you only have one choice - to get on with it, because fighting to get someone like this back is just not worth it believe me (fiancee cheated - repeatedly - no kids so different there) but I wont say better off because I think it depends on your attitude and I'm sure you are happy with your kids.

Practically I would start looking into anything that can help you as a lone parent continue your education that you have always wanted and fight with all your might for that and somewhere along the way try to have a little fun. Or wait it out and see what happens, the more of a fight you put up for him the more you are playing into his hands and the less he will want you. Sad fact of life but you have to be tough. But it doesnt necessarily have to be as hard as some people like to make out. Every situation is different and start by focussing on what you are happy to have and all the good things and hopefully the rest will follow. Chin up;)