my horrible brother...

LegacyUser

I post sometimes, but i want to go unregistered for this one.

I have just had the mother of all arguments with my brother. This has been going on for years and years - he is a horrible, horrible man, to say the least. We have a big family and i usually invite him to my house for dinner, but i didnt this year, (i got invited to a friends) and none of the others did either. So that says something about his relationship with them too.
He is in his 50s (the oldest) I'm mid-30s with a child (boy) and Im single. My brother has smoke hash for as long as I can remember - takes 14 solpadine a day or more, if he can get his hands on them. he buys sleeping tablets from another brother coz he doesn't have a medical card himself (this other brother is prescribed the sleeping tablets for stress) etc etc. he is working however, and all this stuff keeps him on a level keel (apparently). hes single and had one relationship that i know of - a lovely woman who he treated like crap for 20yrs and who finally got the courage to leave him a few years back.

we live in a small village and everyone knows everyones business, so to keep everything normal (ish) ive continued to have a relationship with him on and off over the years. however, he has a ferocious temper and is a complete mysoginist - the worst Ive ever had the displeasure to meet. today, he lost his temper (over something very trivial) and turned on me, calling me a wh*re, a g**bag, a pro*stitue etc (Ive heard all that before) and i eventually got the courage to ask him to leave my home. My son was in tears and ran up the stairs - he left but has since sent me abusive text messages.

As i write this down, i realise how bad this sounds, but this situation has happened about 5 times in the past 5 years and each time, and when it's not happening, I'm waiting for it to happen. after a few months, he'll get in touch, bombard my son with presents and worm his way back into my life.

Im currently in counselling, over this, and other family issues - and im now determined not to ever see him or allow him back into my life. Previously i would have tried to protect my son from this and used the fact that i didn't want him to see or hear any of my brothers behaviour (which I dont), but today, it's like something has clicked with me. And it's ME who doesn't want to see or experience this behaviour again. Just writing this down is actually helping me.

Having just read over this, it sounds horrendous, but it's also amazing what people get used to, when it's just something that happens in your life on a regular basis. My question is how do I ensure I never let him worm his way back into our lives again - how can i ensure that i feel as strongly about this as I do today???
Has anyone experienced something similar from a family member, and how did you finaly cut ties? Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Catari Jaguar

Be strong. Make a decision to cut him out and stock to it. He's poisin. Do you want your child to grow up with that man's influence on him? Change your phone number. Ignore him if you see him. Don't answer the door to him. Let your siblings know so they can support you. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you cherub. I certainly dont want my son growing up with his influence, and funny enough, one of the first things I did when he'd left was went up to my son (I was crying myself) telling him that his uncle wouldn't be here again. that his mammy couldn't allow anyone to speak to her the way he just did and that it stops now. He seemed to understand where i was coming from, although he was pretty tearful himself. When i asked him what was going on in his head, he said 'I just want you to stop crying mam'...
he seldom sees me cry - i suppose growing up in a house with only his mother here, he seldom heres or sees conflict between two adults, so it took him a while to calm down.

Probably not very healthy for him not to see two adults fighting, but when i think of my own childhood, when all i saw WAS adults fighting, id prefer the life he has.

dan_d

Don't invite him back ever again.

Would he really be that big a loss to your life?

tenchi-fan

How old is your son? Maybe you should discuss with him why it's important he doesn't accept presents from this man.

If your brother arrives on your doorstep with a present, turn him away. If he sends one in the post, return it to sender or donate it to charity.

If he sends any more abusive text messages, keep them (not saved in your phone, that would just be upsetting.. take a photo of the message) and tell him you will report him to the garda if he sends you any more.

Taltos

In terms of not forgetting...print out your post and put it somewhere you will see frequently...

Congrats on taking a stand. Took a lot of courage, think you are 100% right.

miec

My question is how do I ensure I never let him worm his way back into our lives again - how can i ensure that i feel as strongly about this as I do today???
Has anyone experienced something similar from a family member, and how did you finaly cut ties? Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long.

Yes I have cut ties with my family, it is a long story but for very serious reasons. They usually are. The thing is would you let any other man treat you this way and I would hazard the answer is no. Just because he is your brother does not automatically give him the right to be verbally abusive with you. The whole family duty thing can be taken way too far and this is a case in example. Where there is abuse of any type, unless the family member makes genuine amends then cut them out.

However, the practicals of it. Right now you are fired up, feeling strong, the key thing is to maintain that. The only way to keep your brother out of your life is to be a wall of silence, do not speak to him, text him or engage with him in any way. If gifts are sent, return them with no note, nothing, just the address. Your other family members and neighbours may come out with the ****e thing of 'ah he's your brother, would you not talk to him now' (months later). Be firm and consistent, tell them no, you do not want him in your home or your life. Also you cannot afford to think what others will think about you. Its a hard thing to do, painful at times, but you just have to be true to your own feelings. Your brother is an arse, and one who is no longer in your life.

Good luck,

ps: I should add that in my case I have had to pay a very high price in cutting out my family, I have no family at all now and sometimes it is extremely lonely, like this Christmas, it doesn't help that I broke with my partner earlier this year. I have added this because whilst I hope this does not occur for you, it could happen. Would I do things differently? No, despite feeling very lonely I have done the right thing for me. You cannot stay around people who abuse you and who are unwilling to change their behaviour. Life is too short and for me loneliness is preferable. At least I have a nice quiet life with little stress. That is the upside.

LegacyUser

I thought i replied to this yesterday, but it hasn't appeared so perhaps I didnt click on submit. thanks for the replies and Im feeling much better about things today.

The text messages from him stopped at about five pm - and this morning, i rang my telephone service provider and put a block on his number, so i wont be receiving texts from him again. I use my phone for work alot, and I'm not in a position to change my number.

As always, a good nights sleep helps one to gain perspective on things and I woke up this mroning wondering why I'd put up with his treatment of me for so long. Of course, the answer is that I grew up in a pretty aggressive household (no one actually hit me, but they hit each other regularly, dad, brothers etc), so you just accept the madness that is your family. Its only when you put it out there, start telling people about it etc, that you realise that it's appalling behaviour on his part.

He is absolutely no loss to mine, or my sons life. My famiy aren't much support I'm afraid as they had finsihed with him long ago, and often wondered why I put up with him - so I won't even be mentioning yesterdays episode to anyone. Foolishly, he's one of the few family members who has taken much interest in my son, some live abroad, some are just too busy with their own lives. This brother would drop in regularly and my son grew quite close to him over the years (yesterday, was the first time he'd seen that behaviour from him - he hasn't been around for the previous episodes thank god).

Miec, I really get what you're saying - over the years, I often cut ties with my famiily but I've always gone back to them - foolish of me again, but the lonliness kills me. I had a good session with my counsellor recently about this same stuff and we came to the conclusion that as a kid, I mainly got negative attention from them. But to a child, negative attention is better than NO attention...somehow, my brainwaves still craves that attention from them all these years later, even though it's still quite negative. (I hope that makes sense). Without meaning to sound too 'american', I have a toxic family.

I'm a work in progress and this is the first step in getting him out of my life - thanks for the advice, it's really good to write stuff down and get others opinions on it.

miec

Without meaning to sound too 'american', I have a toxic family.

I get what you are saying. It is a learnt behaviour in that you respond to the negative stuff and at least it is something, Jesus that was some fecking hard cycle I had to break. I've just broken away from it for the first time in my life. A really good book that I would recommend to help you on your journey is 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. It really helped me enormously.