LDR Mess

LegacyUser

About two and a half years ago I met a guy, we started a relationship but it was an LDR from day one, he lives in the US. He is also seperated with children. We seen eachother three times over a nine month period. We also spoke every day for a couple of hours, skyped at least once a week and texted all day every day. Everything was great, I was and still am doing my best to get a VISA to move.

After the nine months things changed, he got depressed and had some issues to deal with and couldn't handle being in a relationship so we split up but knowing how we felt about eachother I wouldn't give up and stayed in contact texting every now and then and calling every couple of weeks to see how he was. In August he emailed me, said he was feeling better, was sorry for what he put me through, stilled love me and want to try again, I was thrilled. by September he was back to not wanting a relationship, not wanting to hear from me etc, I still wouldn't give up (I know I'm persistent) but I know what we had and how we felt and it was nothing like I have felt before.

At the beginning of November he again contacted me, for my birthday, and said that he missed me, still loved me although the feeling were not as strong but wanted to see how things went between us. Then one weekenr he was back to how he was, calling me constantly, telling me how much he loved me that he wanted me to move over to him straight away blah, blah , blah then on the Monday he was suddenly "don't know what I want", "don't know how I feel" "I just want to be friends until you move over"

I have always said I would go due to him having children there. We grew up close to eachother and went to the same school so he is not just some random guy.

I'm so confused, frustrated and angry by him but I don't want to let go cause I know we have\had something really special and he agrees but I also don't know how to proceed. I understand him not wanting to commit totally to me but if I am going to give up my life here I need some kind of commitment from him and he's not willing to give it.

I will take some of the blame as I can be very emotionally, annoying, impatient and a whole lot of other things but as I said to him he has to take the good with the bad as I am with him. I love him with all my heart and would leave in a heartbeat to be with him but I just don't know how to convince him to give us another go. I know with all my heart and in my head that we can work.

Any ideas what I can or should do????

LegacyUser

I hope I'm not being too blunt but, if he's not in it, he's not in it. Even if you love him to bits and think you could make it work, he has to make up his own mind, it sounds to me like he's fcuking you about with the constant back and forth. You can't make his mind up for him. I would say talk to him, ask him to give you the gods honest truth, and if it's not that he wants to be with you, forget him. Like you said, you need commitment before making such a big decision. Have you had any holidays over there? Like spending a month with him to see how you get on? I've found that feelings get twisted when you haven't been with someone in a while physically. Just a few thoughts.

Firetrap

The over-riding impression I get from your post is that you are far more into this guy than he is. You are very much the one who's been in pursuit of him and almost badgering him into staying in the relationship. He sounds like a man who's not entirely certain of his feelings for you and that to me is a warning sign. You can't make somebody love you and I just get the impression that that is what you are trying to do.

LegacyUser

No I'm not trying to get him to love me, I'm aware that you can't make someone love you, what I am trying to get from him is a straight answer. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me then there's nothing I can do about that and I will move on but I need to kkow for definate and he won't tell me that. If there is any hope of us being together I will wait and I will try.

He told me he doesn't want to give up on us that he thinks we have something very special but that he can't fall for me again like he did cause it hurt to much when we were apart. Am I into him more than he is me??? I'm not sure, am I willing to give this all I have before I give up, yes, is he I don't know. It's like he is afraid, he tells me how he feels and what he wants and then the next day he runs a mile.

I want to not talk to him, to give him a chance to make up his mind but I'm also afraid that by doning this I will lose him. I know the saying if you love someone set them free if they come back....... but fear is a terrible thing.

Thanks for your input and Happy New Year.