Too selfish for relationships?

PatsyR

I'm a 28 year old female and in a relationship with a great guy for the past year.I already know how selfish this is going to sound but some advice or opinions would be appreciated so here goes: he's in college full time and has found it very hard to get a job and so has no money. Just before christmas he got offered part time bar work and so he's been working most nights and after the new year will be working weekends. Instead of being happy for him that in a recession he's managed to get some work, I'm so pissed off that our nights out together are non-existent and that I'm forced to go solo to anything. I was in a long term relationship before where my ex wouldn't go out and I eventually broke up with him because I felt single anyway. Now I'm worried it's happening all over again but I feel frustrated and gagged because I cannot complain, it just doesn't make sense to. Why am I like this? Why does it always have to be my way? I almost feel like a petulant teenager, shouldn't that be gone at this age? Thanks.

Firetrap

It's human nature, isn't it? You sound like a sociable person who wants to be out and about with your boyfriend and that has been taken away from you for a second time. No doubt it's getting to you more at the moment because it's Christmas time and people tend to be going out more this time of year.

All I can suggest is that you try not to let your annoyance at not having your boyfriend around you spread into your relationship and ruin things.

Jenneke87

Do you feel happy in the relationship in general? It sounds like you need your time alone on a regular basis, but now that your on your own so much now, it starting to get to you?

PatsyR

I'm really happy with him, he's amazing and to make it worse (in a weird way) he has endless patience for all my stuff. Most of my friends are married or engaged and they're not always available for just a girls night and I don't want to go through that again where I'm the odd one out at everything. I know it's so small and petty but it's new years eve and I'm at home because he got a call to go into work, totally screwing our plans and I need to start into 2011 with some grasp of control over my life as I gave so much of it away in the last relationship

Firetrap

Just be careful not to blow the head on this one. Keep in mind that this time you're on your own because of circumstances outside your boyfriend's control, not because he's refusing to go out. It looks though from your last post that there is more at stake here than your boyfriend having to work nights.

PatsyR

Well kind of yea. My petulant teenage mind is saying why should I have to go out on my own or not get to go out at all, that I deserve better :rolleyes:

Nidot

From reading your post it would seem to me that yes there is a degree of selfishness to it alright. Selfishness in that why shouldn't I be able to have my boyfriend out with me when all the other girls have their girlfriends out with them.

You mentionned in the initial post how your boyfriend had no money as a result of not having a job pre-Xmas, did this bother you as much then as I presume the lack of finances would put a dampner on nights out?

PatsyR

No the money thing never bothered me once but it did bother him

I am a friend

PatsyR wrote: »

I deserve better :rolleyes:

None of us DESERVE anything from a relationship other than honesty, affection etc. Having you bf as an escort on a night out is a bonus not a right.

I think you may have forgotten how hard it is to meet decent blokes. He is out earning a living FFS, not sitting at home in his wifebeater shirt, farting at the tv and smashing empty tins of Dutch Gold into his forehead.

I wont get into a character assassignation here but cop on and think of hi
, working when he should be going out, him and the relief to him of finding a job and not yourself cos you may have to go out without him (note - not on your OWN) for a while. I really hope you have not said this to him.

Best of luck to you both and cop on

dsmythy

I am a friend wrote: »

None of us DESERVE anything from a relationship other than honesty, affection etc. Having you bf as an escort on a night out is a bonus not a right.

I think you may have forgotten how hard it is to meet decent blokes. He is out earning a living FFS, not sitting at home in his wifebeater shirt, farting at the tv and smashing empty tins of Dutch Gold into his forehead.

I wont get into a character assassignation here but cop on and think of hi
, working when he should be going out, him and the relief to him of finding a job and not yourself cos you may have to go out without him (note - not on your OWN) for a while. I really hope you have not said this to him.

Best of luck to you both and cop on

I'm wondering myself if she doubts that she wants to be with him anymore and now that he is rarely around it's surfacing.

OP if you really liked this guy you would be able to get over this but perhaps an honest talk with yourself as to whether you still have the same feelings for him as before is in order first.

PatsyR

I do love him but I think my own issues might be infecting the relationship. Maybe he's the one who deserves much better

I am a friend

Well he does deserve support and you are not willing to give him that cos it doesn't suit you do yes, he does deserve more

dub_3

He's in college trying to better his employment chances, so it's not like he will be a barman forever.

If he has to work weekends, then why not go out midweek. Obviously if you work regular hours you won't to be out on mad late sessions, but you should be able to manage a few drinks or go to a gig or the cinema etc...

When I worked in bars I remember Mondays were always the night barstaff went out together (so there was a bit of a weekend vibe to it)

Or do things during the day at the weekends, lunch somewhere nice and then the cinema maybe.

It always takes more effort when people are having to keep different hours.

It's up to both of you to put the effort in to make the relationship work.
Make a plan together for sorting out time for you both. Pick your own time and call that 'Friday Night'

Years ago I worked shifts at night 7 nights working then 3 days off.
The end of the last night shift was always 'Friday Night' it didn't matter if it was Tuesday Morning 7am in the Boars Head (early house)

It was other peoples Fri Night too, Nurses, Taxi Drivers etc...