Feeling utterly bereft

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Hi all,

I am a 25 year old female and would really appreciate some help on an issue I have. What would you do in my shoes?

Basically, I have been seeing a guy for a good few months at this stage, since early March.

We get on really well and enjoy each others company, the physical side of things is great too.

Its a casual thing though, he told me back in March that he wanted to be just casual.

I had thought it would have long fizzled out, but no, here we are. I have to say, I hate the thought of losing him, even the mere thought makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Is he just using me until a better option comes along?

The whole thing doesn't just revolve around sex, we genuinely get along well and he seems to really like me, more so lately.

If he liked me that much though, would we not be exclusive?

Please help as I can't see the wood for the trees right now

S23

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 wrote: »

If he liked me that much though, would we not be exclusive?

Please help as I can't see the wood for the trees right now

Is he fcuking other women? Or did you two start out as agreeing to 'be casual' and it's not gotten to a stage where it feels, and you act, more seriously?

If he's fcuking/messing around with other women then that tells you all you need to know.

However, if he simple hasn't put a title on your 'exclusivity' yet, and you want to be 'exclusive', then you need to talk to him. Asking us her isn't going to help.

Maybe you expect him to be the one who brings up the monogomy thing. Maybe he wants to but hasn't the guts to say it because you never said it during all this time. Maybe this. Maybe that. Maybe some other thing.

In all relationships (and unless I'm missing something completely you want to enter a real relationship with him) you need to be able to communicate. Having a basic conversation about whether he sees your now 8 month relationship as still casual or whether he wants more seems a pretty basic topic to talk about IMO.

Best of luck

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Hi S23,

Thanks for the reply.

I honestly don't know if he is seeing other women, the thought alone makes me want to vomit.

But we do act a bit more seriously than what it started out as, he'll even allude to stuff in the future, i.e months ahead.

I would love to ask him outright, I know its the obvious thing to do, but my reasons for not asking to date are thus;
A friend advised that it should be the man who brings up the topic of exclusivity, or else he feels trapped. She reckons until such time as he brings it up, that I can assume its still casual, as if he really wanted to put a title on it, he would have done so by this stage.

Is there any truth in this, do you think?

S23

Oh fcuk your friend in this instance. I'm sure he/she means well but, seriously, this is between you and him. There are no rules.

The man can ask the woman. The woman can ask the man. There are no hard and fast rules about who does what.

The whole 'men should be the forward/dominant ones' is rubbish. Two people who want to spend the foreseeable future together should be able to converse without such silly gender roles.

It could be that he feels trapped in having asked for a 'casual thing' and now has gotten to like you as more. He might have grown to be more and more attached to you over time and spent more time with you. He might be sitting at home thinking 'oh why did I have to say it was going to be casual, I want more now but I haven't the balls to ask for it because I set the stupid parameters in the first place'

Also it could be the opposite. He might think 'great she's well onboard with the casual thing. We hang out together and I bang her and I bang Karen, Sharon and whoever else I like and she never complains. I'm glad she's so cool with this casual thing we have going'.

I sincerely hope for you its the former rather than the latter. But, seriously, aren't you better biting the bullet and finding out.

If he wants more then ask him and get on with it. You might both be a bit chicken about taking the next step. That's allowed. Someone needs to say something to move it on, though, and it may as well be you.

If he's just happy with the sex and nothing else that's not what you want. If he's banging other women, vomit enducing as it is to find out, you're better knowing now. You'll only grow more attached to this guy over time.

Bottom line is you need to know one way or another and no one here is going to be able to tell you! You're going to have to take the plunge on this one!

keane2097

The "it should be a man who does x y or z" thing is completely redundant and has been for probably 30 years.

Ask the guy, and avoid taking relationship advice from that particular friend in future.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Thanks S23, your post made me smile

OK, I'll ask him, I'll have to prepare myself for the possibility that he's happy with the status quo. If thats the case, I'll wish him well and head on my (not so) merry way. His loss!

Thanks again

S23

Hey any help I can give I'm glad of. I don't claim it will be easy or there won't be butterflies in the stomach before hand. It might even be hard to spit out but in the long run, give your situation, its for the best. Whatever the answer is you know one way or another.

Just one last thing mind you. Just be straight. Don't start second guessing him and what he might want if he says yes or no and bringing up what will or won't happen in future. Just tell him 'look Bob it's been 8 months now, I know it started as causual but we've spent a lot of time together and I don't want it to be that way anymore' or words to that effect.

Best of luck. I hope you get on well.

killerking

I had thought it would have long fizzled out, but no, here we are. I have to say, I hate the thought of losing him, even the mere thought makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Does he feel the same way?
If he doesn't then you are not reading from the same page.
Maybe you should find someone you feels the way about you and stick with him?

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Hi Killerking,

Not sure how he feels, am just totally lost.

He was texting me this morning, saying he'd miss me tonight and wishes I was with him, not sure what that means, may be just physical.

I'll try and bide my time and wait for the right time, will try to enjoy my night today and ignore the churning in my stomach!

killerking

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 wrote: »

Hi Killerking,

Not sure how he feels, am just totally lost.

He was texting me this morning, saying he'd miss me tonight and wishes I was with him, not sure what that means, may be just physical.

I'll try and bide my time and wait for the right time, will try to enjoy my night today and ignore the churning in my stomach!

If you are not sure how he feels then you have to talk to him and find out.

Biding your time and waiting is not going make you anymore knowledgeable.

Enjoy tonight and have fun.