Messy work situation - why do i feel so vunerable?

LegacyUser

Was out on a work night out a few weeks ago and one of my colleagues (who would be more senior than me and more power) got blind drunk and said that he wanted me to go home with him (hotel room) and said he wanted to have anal sex and all these other things that shocked me. He is married as far as I know with 2 kids. I have no interest in him at all. Zero and I was quite disgusted.

I thought I could handle it, but I cant. I feel disgusting, even though I did nothing wrong.

There is a view to staying pemanent in the job, but my mind is reeling. If they offer me the job, how can I work for an asshole like that? If I say something (am only there 2 months), no matter what I say, it will be a black mark against my name (no matter what I say in what fashion, I will be caught).

I keep telling myself to buck up and stop being so soft, that he was very drunk (he was so persistent it nearly broke my heart that night-I naively told him I was single and it was like red rag to a bull).

I dont know whats wrong with me and I need help to understand whats going on - I am not normally this worried over things. I woke the last 2 nights in a panic over thinking he was near me.

I told the team of people that I work with, as I was a nervous wreck that he'd come near me in work - which is going to happen again at some stage. They told me to document everything. I felt better after - like taking the wind out of his sails. But it still hasnt stopped me being a nervous wreck. About a week later, I was making a coffee at work (and he saw that I was alone), and he came into the kitchen and tried to make conversation with me. I was having none of it. He was a little too close for my liking. I walked away. Leech.

My options seem to be:
- Stay there and say nothing until my contract is up (few months) - get a good reference.
- If they offer me a more permanent position, take it, then say something.
- Try to get over this myself and say nothing at all and never ever either be alone with him again (might be hard with work) or go to any work function.
- Or is there another option?

Why am I feeling like this? I thought I was tougher. It is really getting to me. Please help/any advice.

tk123

Not making excuses but he may have no memory of what was said if he was that drunk. Regardless of what he remembers his actions have made you uncomfortable so you can't go on with things the way they are. If you raised it with HR and got it out in the open would you be happy with an apology from him or are you always going to feel uncomfortable around him? IMO if you're telling team mates it's going to get back to him/hr anyways so you'd be best to raise the situation.

Jenneke87

Although my situation was somewhat different than yours, I had to work for someone 6 months who sexually intimidated me and it costed me my job in the end, because I was too scared to tell anyone what was going on and it broke me in the end. The best thing is to get this out of your way before it starts doing any real damage to you.

LegacyUser

they do not have a dedicated HR department per say - if word did get back to my manager, all the better I say - I didnt do anything wrong - he did - I keep having to remind myself of that, and am caught between a rock and a hard place. Speak up and I may not have a job or get a great reference.

what happened in your case jenne?? (if you dont mind talking about it - what did he do?).

i always thought if something like this ever happened me, i would be the first to stand up for myself.

I coped at first because i reasoned in my head that he was off his head on liquor and didnt remember. then the kitchen incident happened. maybe i was hypo-sensitive from the previous week, but I didnt like that at all. Id be the first person to tell someone not to over react, but it just didnt sit right with me.

do I brush it off, and hope he doesnt come near me again? I have made it clear i am not interested. I was thinking maybe he was trying to smooth things over by approaching me in the kitchen - I certainly made it clear I was not comfortable with him - I couldnt look at him and I was giving one word answers.

Jenneke87

messysit wrote: »

what happened in your case jenne?? (if you dont mind talking about it - what did he do?).

i always thought if something like this ever happened me, i would be the first to stand up for myself.

Little warning: This may not make a nice reading:

He came to my house, he said he'd put me on a chain and beat me up, said he'd fcuk me, he was going to hurt me, he made gestures that implied oral sex, made inappropriate remarks and a host of other things. I was terrified for six months and you really shouldn't let it go that far! Do something now, really!

Zen65

messysit wrote: »

Why am I feeling like this? I thought I was tougher. It is really getting to me. Please help/any advice.

It's certainly an unpleasant situation to have found yourself in, and the shock of it can cause a degree of anxiety, which is what you're feeling. The idea of "being tough" is a misnomer really, because so often people who behave as "tough" keep their feelings to themselves and are often more prone to suffering from stress.

It's not clear from your post whether this man ever behaved improperly towards you while at work? Clearly his behaviour at that "work night" was inappropriate, but if you approach the HR department, or any other manager about this, you might find that they don't treat it as seriously as you would like because

1. It happened after work hours ("work nights" are a grey area for many employers)
2. There were no witnesses
3. The behaviour was not repeated at any other time

I believe that employers are obliged (under SHAWAW acts) to have a guideline/policy on sexual harassment, but you may well find that this man's actions do not meet the definition of sexual harassment used in that policy, for the above reasons.

I think the best advice is to avoid this man as much as possible at work, without compromising your ability to perform your duties. Continue to document any inappropriate behaviour towards you, in the event that it should happen again. Remember also that as another poster has said he may have no recollection at all of your conversation that night. I have had experience of a staff member who became extremely abusive while drunk, but had no recollection of it the next day. When I called him in to my office the next day to warn him of his conduct (at a Christmas party) he was deeply embarrassed by the things he had said, and his general loutish behaviour.

Drink is not an excuse for bad behaviour but it may be a factor. A responsible person, aware of how they behaved when drunk, will monitor and control their drinking afterwards.

If avoiding him is not possible, or if you believe that you will not get over this incident by doing so, then simply confront him. I would suggest you do so privately, and very, very calmly. You are not looking for revenge, you are looking for closure and a guarantee that the behaviour will not be repeated. Explain to him that you found his conduct offensive and you wanted to make it clear to him that you would not tolerate that sort of abuse from him in future. I would expect that in most cases a person in his position would apologise immediately, and usually very genuinely. If he tries to make light of it, calmly say you do not accept that it is something to make light of, and let him know that you will take it up with a senior person in the company.

If you manage this calmly, without letting it blow up into a row, then you will gain his respect and that of others. Perhaps most importantly you will have earned your own respect. Perhaps the reason you feel so anxious after this event is that you feel you should have responded more assertively to the situation? There is no reason to feel this way about it though, as most people in your vulnerable position (just started working there) would have behaved likewise. One or two people may even have gone with him to his hotel, for fear of losing their jobs, so imagine how awful they would feel about it!!

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

OP here.

Well i bite the bullet today and told my line manager what happened. I did not go into detail (the anal stuff) I couldnt bring myself to say it to their face.

Manager was very nice to me (so far). I dont know what is going to happen. They told me to take a day or so and think about what i wanted to do; if i want to make a formal complaint (it is still informal at this stage).

I dont know what to do...am so drained. I just know I couldnt go on working like that.

Am thinking to leave it as an informal complaint. if I go further, it could get very messy for everyone. any advice please.

thebiggestjim

Would you consider doing something like this.

Ask your manager that you made the informal complaint to for a brief sit down with this guy, all three of you. Bring up the incident, (don't have to go into detail about the anal etc) say your are not happy it happened and made you uncomfortable to be around this guy. Say nothing like this is to happen again and if it doesn't nothing more will be mentioned of this incident. Its important you phrase it like this and not "if something like this happens like this again I will take you to court". The reason I say this is if people feel they are been backed into a corner or threatened they lash out. You are basically saying the same thing however.
Chances are this guy will be very embarrassed about the situation and will be very glad to have the opportunity to put it behind him.
The benefits of taking this course of action I see is you will probably be comfortable enough to stay in your job and because you handled it maturely and didn't make a big song and dance about it won't have any negative repercussions from upper management.

All the best,

Jim

LegacyUser

Well the situation is still ongoing and I need some where to vent as I feel so sad and upset (still). Maybe it is because I am so tired too - I feel mentally exhausted form all the worrying and it isnt over yet.

I was called in today with my manager (who has been very good to me) and another more senior person. Was asked to recount the story. Told it. I said I did not want to make a formal complaint, but there I wanted it noted to the person in question that their behaviour was unacceptable and classified as sexual harassment. Am not out to ruin anyones career or black mark, but I felt he couldnt be let get away with it. Anyways, it will be next week by the time it is brought up again as he is out of the country. I cant move on until then. I also had to sign a report of what I said and it will be kept on his file (not mine-I asked - I did nothing wrong so I will not have any repercussions for me -so they say-but there will always be that doubts I guess). The other problem is that I was told that there may be a possibility of being made permanent - now there is no talk of that.

in all fairness my managers couldnt be nicer, but I had to say something which I didnt want to (about the anal stuff) and I explained that even talking them abuot it made me very uncomfortable.

Has anyone ever gone through this before? I still feel awful. One part of me is saying "good on you for standing up for yourself", the other is saying "you feol why did you say something-now you will be known as the girl who made a complaint".

taram

messysit wrote: »

Has anyone ever gone through this before? I still feel awful. One part of me is saying "good on you for standing up for yourself", the other is saying "you feol why did you say something-now you will be known as the girl who made a complaint".

I had a similar problem with a guy who lived in the flat across from me, to the point I was scared to go in the lift by myself, or open my door without knowing who was there. I complained to the warden (was student accom) and it turns out he harassed the girl who lived next door to me too, and she was too scared to say anything. It was natural, I felt dirty, and wrong, even though I didn't do anything, just stood there gobsmacked while he said flith!

You are in the right here, he was intimidating and way over the line.

Monkey Allen

I applaud you for your courage and, regardless of what happens job wise, I think you did the right thing. If the company see him being more important to them than you and they let you go, then they are putting the problem on the long finger as it's likely to happen again, I would imagine.

You mentioned concern about a reference? If you get made permanent, then its back to you to work for your reference. You should have time to prove yourself as a hardworking and valuable member of the team and win their respect.

I'd recommend getting some legal advice though. You're still in probation obviously but this situation would scare the hell out of any HR department. Stick to your guns.

timezone

you have done the right thing by reporting it -
an employer is liable for all acts carried out in the workplace and under ' Vicarious liability' for all acts that occur in an employment situation - which a work night out in a grey area way is considered a work situation.

what happened to you is clearly sexual harrasment, while your employeer could not have prevented this from happening on a work night out their is a onus on them to fully investigate what happened and take the correct steps to ensure it doesn't happen again and more importantly that you feel safe in your working enviroment

Basically this kind of behaviour cannot and should not be tolerated between work collegues at any level - even worse if it involves a senior and junior member of staff.

The citizens bureau site will give you a lot of information- i have seen a lot of this in my working life and it is shocking that people still feel intimated in complaining fellow workers for such a blatant and damaging, abusive interaction.

You are also allowed representation and a copy of all notes taken at meetings - AND be very aware of this any negative reaction/fallout from your employer or employees for a complaint you've made falls under victimisation and this is the one area that the courts/employment tribunals will hammer an employer on.

Best of luck with eveything and be sure that you are well aware of all your rights.