My bf said he would cheat

LegacyUser

Sorry this is a long post!!

I live in Dublin and my bf in Belfast. It used to not be like that but he ended up going to college there and me down here. The point is, we don't see each other as often as we'd like (I made some post on this before). He was down at my house over xmas but went home on Monday.

Anyyyyyway, he went out last night in Belfast and came home at like 3 or so. I was awake so he asked me to come on Skype. He was pretty drunk but I'm not sure if that excuses this.

Somehow the subject of his dad came up. He doesn't get along with his dad because he cheated on his Mum like 4 years ago. They divorced when he was 16.
Anyway, I said something like "oh well I still like my Dad at least, I'd hope he'd never do that to my Mum" and he just replied "oh he would and probably has already". He knows a lot about my family so this kind of hurt. My Dad travels a lot for business and all my life, he hasn't been around much. Like me, my Mum has issues with the fact that he is usually abroad. Maybe its naive that I think he's totally faithful but my bf just said "well sorry but you gotta know that all guys cheat".

This kind of bothered me and I was pretty cold with him. I eventually asked him if he would ever cheat. He kind of shocked me and said "Obviously I should say no but I think I would. If I really loved and cared about a girl though, I wouldn't. I'd never cheat on you"

He actually couldn't understand how I was upset by this. I've only had one bf before him but he did end up cheating on me. I said to him "do you think it was ok he did that, seeing as he obviously didn't care for me anymore?" and his response was "well...I didn't say it was right. You're hot though, I don't know why he did". As if that was supposed to be a compliment? :S

I went offline then and he txt me saying "I'll call you tomorrow. Wtf have I done? I did nothing. I'm sorry". I didn't reply so the next txt was "if you knew how much I liked you, you wouldn't even ask questions like that. I know what I said was harsh but its true". One of the txts also said "I really thought I loved you". Ugh...so...immature.

He hasn't had a 'proper' gf before and this is his first relationship. He'd only had one night stands in the past (quite a few). We've never had a 'proper' fight either. I don't think he understands that when you're really with someone, it's not always perfect. He's quite immature (i've mentioned) and can go quite quickly from "I love you" to "ugh I don't like you right now".
I feel like now that he's the sort of guy that will cheat whenever we hit a rough patch. Am I wrong in thinking that what he's saying is all wrong?? Basically that he would cheat, but just not on me cos he happens to like me too much? :S

Maybe this is dramatic but I feel like my trust in him has gone way down. He is a great looking guy and definitely doesn't suffer from lack of attention from girls. I did trust him before, but now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
I don't understand how he can't see that its just plain wrong to cheat on someone. If you stop loving them, then just break up, don't break their heart like that...
It really bothers me what he's saying, regardless of whether of not he'd do it to me.

He txt me today saying "Have we fallen out? Because I said guys like to cheat? :S lol" I didn't answer and the next text was "i'm jk, please txt back "
Ugh, I'm so angry. I'd hoped he'd wake up sober and see how he was wrong. We're both just 20 btw and despite all of this crap, I really do care for him. Honestly, he's a lovely guy and him saying this has genuinely shocked me.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting? Or just being naive? ....: (

curlzy

Major red flags there op. TBH I think he's thinking about cheating, even if he hasn't already. Coming out with crap like he is means it's in his head. If it were me I'd call it a day, way too many red flags in his behaviour. The whole "I wouldn't cheat on you but I would cheat" talk about bullcrap!!!! He's miles away and isn't exactly inspiring confidence and trust with the crap he's coming out with. He doesn't sound terribley nice either. On a side note, not all fellas cheat that's utter crap that cheaters come out with to justify their actions, like having a Y chromosome makes it impossible to be faithful :rolleyes:. Also, don't let his words affect your relationship with your dad, that was a real dick move on the bf's part. My advice; if he's not one you're uber mad about listen to your instincts and get rid.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP again,
Thanks for your answer.

The one thing I will say in 'disgreement' (I know its your opinion) is that we do have an honest relationship. I do believe him when he says he's been faithful and I do think he loves me. I wholeheartedly believe that HE believes in what he's saying, if that makes sense.

I feel like (trying to look at 'his side' of the arguement) he feels like he's 'just being honest' with me. He's the sort of guy that likes to discuss absolutely everything.
I think maybe he thought I'd find his honesty refreshing or something? Or that I'd feel flattered he'd never cheat on *me*?
He actually went so far as to say that he was "hurt" by the fact that I got angry! Because "you should believe I'd never do that to you".

I hate this attitude so much. To me its just total disregard for the feelings of the 'other person' and a complete lack of repect.
Honestly, he's been an amazing bf and this is the first time he's anything major to make me doubt him. He really is a nice person and has been there for me, been a great laugh, blah blah.
I just feel like this is a really bad side of him that's been exposed. So much so that I'm considering a break-up. It feels so bizarre because we are so in love. I just cannot believe this tbh.

I'm aware that his Dad was a cheat and he's told me a lot of his friends do it, and while I'd take into account that that may have skewed his perception of a relationship, I still would not take that as a 'valid' excuse.
I just feel like it would be so naive to believe I'M the exception. My heart wants to believe it so badly, and I do think he loves me. But...what's he's saying just sucks tbh! My brain is telling me "only a bad person could think like this". It's like a joke

Anyway, on a tangent yet again! Thank you for reply though. lol xx

sipstrassi

Hi Op. Sorry you're feeling upset.

The main man in your boyfriends life was a cheat. So your boyfriend grew up in a household where this was a norm. So he believes that all men do it.
They don't.
He'll learn that.
It doesn't make him a bad person to believe what his own experience to date has shown him.

You say you trust him. And that he's always been great.
Why would you describe him as having a really bad side to him because he believes men cheat? Or that he would cheat if he was with someone else (he can't know this so it's just hypothetical, isn't it?).

Would agree he is not a nice person if he was saying all men (or women!) should cheat or are right to cheat. But doesn't sound like he is. Just insensitive.

If what he said has you worried that he is going to cheat then that could eat you right up. Especially in a long distance relationship. That would be the only reason I could see for ending it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Neyite

He is absolutely honest that some men cheat. (he is wrong to say all men do - we only remember the ones who do, not credit the ones who live and die without succumbing to cheating) Women are equally capable of cheating too. He has stated that he is capable of cheating, but that he does not want to on you. There are lots of people out there that pretend to all and sundry that they would never cheat, its disgusting, blah blah, yet have cheated and continue to do so. So he is honest, but lacks intent.

What he lacked was tact. And that is what is hurting you. It’s up there with the old ‘Does my arse look big in this question. Answer brutally honestly and a big row ensues, answer tactfully and everyone is happy. When he makes sweeping assumptions that your Dad has definitely cheated its tactless, and also a little arrogant that he assumes with certainty that his opinion is correct.

Now, I do think that his tactlessness should be addressed. I had an ex that played the whole “‘I’m just being honest here” when I pulled him up on something hurtful he said. It was usually a tender subject for me he was ‘honest’ on. There were other serious controlling issues in the relationship, but it was just a tool to make me feel bad about myself and it worked. Is it an underlying way of being subtly cruel to you or is he just an idiot? Only you really can call this.

However, he has not cheated; and he has stated that he does not wish to cheat on you. He has said that if he loved and cared for someone he would not cheat. I don’t see where your trust should necessarily be damaged based on a hypothetical answer to a hypothetical question especially when drink is involved. If you break up over this, you are essentially breaking up over something that has not and may not ever happen. But, the fact that he sees it as normal is worrying, and quite frankly, stupid.

As an aside, It may not necessarily be immature on his part either to say ‘I love you’ yet ‘I don’t like you’ – Relationship counsellors teach that you can love someone, yet not like their behaviour all at the same time. Most couples in a fight will admit they love their partner, yet at that moment they can’t stand them. However the way in which he says it may be immature? Again, only you can call this.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP yet again!

Thanks for giving me a different perpective on this. My feelings about it are kinda jumping all over the place, so I'm gonna wait a while before jumping down his throat.

I honestly don't think he meant to hurt me. You're spot on about him being insensitive and I never really thought about that before. He is definitely insensitive sometimes.

About the whole thing about his Dad. He has a very strained relationship with him and I do think its affecting us.
When he was 16, his younger brother, only like 11 at the time, caught his Dad with another woman and threatened to tell. His Dad apparently reacted violently towards the brother and this consequently caused my bf to fight with his dad (coming to his defence). I think his parents divorced soon after but, since then (4 years ago), he only sees his Dad occasionally. They never ever seem to talk about anything of substance, usually his Dad asking him about girls and stuff.
What I find funny is that he really resents his Dad, yet seems to go out of his way to impress him or whatever. I'm not sure how relevant that is.

He really does genuinely seem to have issues with the concept of men/cheating/relationships, etc.
His mother has been seeing a guy for the past 6 months or so and he absolutely refuses to hear anything about him. He hasn't ever talked to the man and won't listen to anything about him.
I've questioned him on this, saying that he probably makes her happy, but he seems convinved that he'll hurt her and is using her. He just says "I can't help it, she's my mom"
I'm aware I'm making him sound like a mummy's boy btw, but is kind of defensive about his mother. I guess, presumably because his Dad is, in all fairness, a total bastard from what I've heard.

I'm sure (I've calmed down a bit now lol) I wouldn't want to lose him over this, but...it is bothering me. I don't think "all men cheat" but I'm upset that he thinks that. I'm aware that I'm kind of turning this into "my bf has family issues" thread but...maybe that's the problem? I don't know.

It's just worrying I guess.

Neyite

upset! wrote: »

What I find funny is that he really resents his Dad, yet seems to go out of his way to impress him or whatever. I'm not sure how relevant that is.

Well its along the same lines as a girl who is recently dumped wanting to look amazing if she bumps into her ex. Because we still carry feelings, we want the people who we cared about and that have hurt us to regret their actions by seeing how amazing we are, and what they have lost when they rejected us.

wrote:

He really does genuinely seem to have issues with the concept of men/cheating/relationships, etc.
His mother has been seeing a guy for the past 6 months or so and he absolutely refuses to hear anything about him. He hasn't ever talked to the man and won't listen to anything about him.
I've questioned him on this, saying that he probably makes her happy, but he seems convinved that he'll hurt her and is using her. He just says "I can't help it, she's my mom" .

He does seem a bit-head-in-the-sand there, It's as if he thinks that if he does not acknowledge the boyfriend, therefore he does not exist. It seems to be quite childish, and it sounds like he is still trying to come to terms with his parents terrible breakup. I know lots of guys who hate the idea of their sisters or mothers being with blokes, and while i cant explain it, its not uncommon.

wrote:

I'm aware I'm making him sound like a mummy's boy btw, but is kind of defensive about his mother. I guess, presumably because his Dad is, in all fairness, a total bastard from what I've heard.

I'm sure (I've calmed down a bit now lol) I wouldn't want to lose him over this, but...it is bothering me. I don't think "all men cheat" but I'm upset that he thinks that. I'm aware that I'm kind of turning this into "my bf has family issues" thread but...maybe that's the problem? I don't know.

It's just worrying I guess.

We take our examples on how to conduct relationships from our parents, even if they are dysfunctional. Mad, I know. Someone I know has a boyfriend whos dad is highly critical of anything to do with his mother - whether its her appearance or her meals. my friend was gobsmacked when her boyfriend started moaning about the dinner she made so she grabbed it and binned the lot, telling him in no uncertain terms that she expects a 'thanks, love that was lovely' if she goes to the trouble of cooking for him, even if its charred.

People can make an obvious effort to change and not be like the parent they dont want to be, but its a long learning process. I would approach a reconcilliation by saying that you were shocked because you dont understand why he thinks he would behave the same way as his dad did, knowing the effect it had on his mother and their children, and you felt like you didnt know him at all, and take it from there.

all the best

keane2097

Sounds to me like the guy was drunk and upset about his dad tbh.

He's tried to distance himself from saying he would cheat if I'm reading correctly (are you mad because I'm saying guys like to cheat) - my reading of it is that it's more about issues he has at home than issues he has with you.

If he's willing to talk about it, you should see if this is the sort of thing he says.

There's a chance that he's feeling disillusioned about your relationship being apart and stuff, and is starting to feel like it failing is inevitable. Relationship failures that he has known have all manifested themselves through cheating, so it starts to play on his mind that it might end up happening to him too.

As has been said before, he hasn't actually done anything besides make a tactless remark, so if you want to work beyond that I would look at talking to him about these kinds of issues.

killerking

Hi OP

I think you are being extremely naive if you believe that such a young couple who are inexperienced in life, love, sex etc can maintain a 'serious' long distance relationship without cheating.
When a 20 year old guy like him with good looks going for him is in college, he is naturally going to do what 20 year old guys do - booze and girls.
There are endless possibilities and opportunities for him to cheat especially when you are so far away.
Simply observe the behavior of guys who are around you and you'll see what I mean. Many guys have several girls on the go at any one time and the cast changes week on week.
The best thing you can do for both of you is to split up and starting dating other people while you are apart.
If your thing is meant to be you can meet up again if your lives intersect in the future when you are both more mature.
By then you might well be thinking why you thought this was all a big deal.
At the moment you are just in love with the idea of being in love.
The kind of romantic love that exists in fairy tales, romance novels and movies is not the same as real life love which is far more complicated.

Jumpy

curlzy wrote: »

Major red flags there op. TBH I think he's thinking about cheating, even if he hasn't already. Coming out with crap like he is means it's in his head. If it were me I'd call it a day, way too many red flags in his behaviour. The whole "I wouldn't cheat on you but I would cheat" talk about bullcrap!!!! He's miles away and isn't exactly inspiring confidence and trust with the crap he's coming out with. He doesn't sound terribley nice either. On a side note, not all fellas cheat that's utter crap that cheaters come out with to justify their actions, like having a Y chromosome makes it impossible to be faithful :rolleyes:. Also, don't let his words affect your relationship with your dad, that was a real dick move on the bf's part. My advice; if he's not one you're uber mad about listen to your instincts and get rid.

What a bunch of arse.



He is talking crap while drunk. Everyone has done it. The OP just isnt mature enough to see that it is indeed drunk calling.
If someone is pissed on the phone, smile and nod, agree with everything and laugh at them when sober.