Cousin Dumps Me!

LegacyUser

Hey people,

this might be a bit of a long one!

I'm 19 and in college. When I first got to college I was a bit shy and didn't really have many friends. My cousin [let's call her Mary] was in the year above me so I began to hang around with her a good deal. I never really knew her that well, we used to see each other now and then at home, but that was about it. We ended up getting on like a house on fire! At the time, she was hanging around with a group of girls from her football team and I was hanging around with secondary school people in college. We began going out together quite a bit, and had so much craic it was unbelievable! Mary would stay in my house quite a bit, and I would treat her to lunch (her family is a bit poor, and I always had extra money from working so I'd buy her dinners/ drinks etc.). We went away then a few times, once to NYC and then another to Iceland. We always had great craic.

My Mum passed away last year after a battle with cancer and I was devastated. I started getting depressed and was put on anti-depressants to help me deal with the death of my Mum. I had to take a few weeks off college to help my dad and to come to terms with it all. When I went back to college I met a guy, let's call him Jack. Me and Jack got on really well and we were falling in love. I still gave Mary priority over everything (bros before hos! ha ha!), and that may have done some damage to me and Jack. I then noticed that Mary was beginning to hang out a lot with her team again, which was fine because I had Jack. I would still meet up with Mary for lunch and we were still cousins so she was at my Mom's month's mind and that. When I did talk to Mary I'd tell her everything going on in my life. During my depression I experiemented with drugs and I told Mary. She's the only one that knows and it's nothing something I'm proud of. I also went through a bit of a slut phase and was with quite a few guys (and even a girl).. Mary knows all my secrets and I trusted her a lot. When I got with Jack that all stopped (drugs and slutting) but I was horrible to him sometimes in that I was giving Mary priority.

After a few months I broke up with Jack because I had a relapse with the depression and needed to get back on meds. I didn't want to be with him during it (my meds make me very strange at the start, but then I 'go back to normal). Jack plays for the lads team (same sport as Mary) and the two met a good few times. After me and Jake broke up Mary and Jack began going out together quite a lot (as friends, as Mary had a boyfriend at the time). Mary began taking priority over Jack and would spend time with him when we had made plans. When I got back to college a lot of my friends were gone on erasmus and I had very few around the place. Mary now doesn't really bother with me, she says hi and we have chats and always say we should meet up, but she just seems fake about the whole thing. Me and Jack are back talking and I hope we get back together once college is back after Christmas. I'm afraid Mary will divulge the drug/ slut thing (which is totally out of character for me) to him at some point as they are such good friends now.

At Christmas I texted her saying Happy Christmas and that I hoped to see her soon and didn't get a reply. New years is coming up and her and Jack are going out with the teams and are going to another town for it so I can't really go.

Basically, I've tried confronting her about the whole issue. Why she suddenly stopped talking to me/ being such an intense friend one minute then becoming an aquaintance next. She told me it's because I don't ask her about her problems/ life enough.. but I do! And I told her this. It's just I've been dealing with huge things and I think I dumped that on her a bit.. but I was hoping she would be able to support me (as family) and since we were such good friends I thought that was appropriate.. I'm now left with very few friends because I dedicated so much time for her, and I'm worried that me and Jack will fall out over the things that Mary may tell him.

I genuinely love Mary. She is such a nice girl, but I'm sick of trying to force her to be my friend and feel like I'm in the way or something.

This post isn't making much sense. I'll submit it for now and if you guys have any questions I'll answer them.

Happy new year,

anon.

tenchi-fan

It sounds like Mary doesn't want such an intense friendship.

I think you relied on her far too much. It's possible you were draining her mentally and she couldn't meet new friends (or even socialise with her group of friends from football) when you were around so much.

Or it might be that, despite telling her "everything" she feels she doesn't have enough in common with you. Whereas she has football in common with Jack.

I think Mary did you a huge favour. You're at college and you should be meeting a lot of new people, both individuals and groups of friends. And it's the same for Mary.

As for your fear that Mary will spill the beans to Jack. If this is a concern for you, simply remind Mary (face to face, no text messages!) that you told her a lot of private stuff and ask her not to tell Jack about it.

I know you've gone through a difficult time but maybe it's time to try moving on. If your college has a counsellor you should arrange a meeting.

LegacyUser

What bothers me is that I felt like i was bein lured in by her. That she wanted me to be best friends with her and then it just feels like she used me. When we were great friends I kept tellin her to spend more time with the girls from the team or to bring them with us when we went away etc. She is now being really intence with other girls from her team and is did the exact same thing to people before me. It could be that she just gets bored of people or that she just wants lots of friends i dont know.. I'm afraid she is going to do the same to Jack and I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to be bitchy and tellin him to stay away from her.. that's just silly, but I want to warn him about it in a way..

I'm going to see the counsiler when I get back to college. I've been to it before for depression and it helps a great deal. Doctor wanted me to do meds and counsiling because it would suit me. Seems to have done. I was plannin on going anyway.

I just feel like she has the keyy to really mess with my life. I don't mind if she just wants to be like aquaintences but I just feel helpless. No friends, no one to back me up.. I know I'll get better. Please god.

Taltos

FriendsorFiends wrote: »

Basically, I've tried confronting her about the whole issue. Why she suddenly stopped talking to me/ being such an intense friend one minute then becoming an aquaintance next. She told me it's because I don't ask her about her problems/ life enough.. but I do! And I told her this. It's just I've been dealing with huge things and I think I dumped that on her a bit.. but I was hoping she would be able to support me (as family) and since we were such good friends I thought that was appropriate.. I'm now left with very few friends because I dedicated so much time for her, and I'm worried that me and Jack will fall out over the things that Mary may tell him.

2 things on this paragraph jumped out at me.

1. - "confronting her" - OP - you talk/discuss things with friends. Enemies/prats you confront...
2. "she told me it's because I don't ask her about her problems".
Your answer
> It's just I've been dealing with huge things
> I think I dumped that on her a bit
> I thought that was appropriate - clearly she now disagrees.

Think as per the previous poster this might be a good time to learn from this and not repeat it with your new friendships.
Hope 2011 is better for you.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

2 things on this paragraph jumped out at me.

1. - "confronting her" - OP - you talk/discuss things with friends. Enemies/prats you confront...
2. "she told me it's because I don't ask her about her problems".
Your answer
> It's just I've been dealing with huge things
> I think I dumped that on her a bit
> I thought that was appropriate - clearly she now disagrees.

Think as per the previous poster this might be a good time to learn from this and not repeat it with your new friendships.
Hope 2011 is better for you.

1. that's just a choice of words, really... i could have easily said 'talk/discuss'.. unhelpful advice there.

2. I dealt with the death of my Mother (her aunt), she had things going on but it was her choice not to discuss it with me.

3. your advice is crap. Friends lean on each other, and I'd have done it for her/ anyone in the family.

I think you should address the fact that you're jealous of her relationship with Jack. She should probably have been less insensitive, but she hasn't done anything wrong. You can't keep looking at her actions in relation to your life. She shouldn't have to act a certain way just because you're in a delicate place at the moment. She has a life too.

Also, I wouldn't feel like letting someone lean on me if they were the kind of person who says "your advice is crap". Taltos was posting friendly advice and it says a lot about you that you would lash out like that. Maybe Mary listened to a lot of your problems, and when she tried to offer advice you replied with aggressively defensive argument. I'm not saying it's the truth, just something maybe you should think about.

LegacyUser

First of all, i don't expect her to live her life in relation to my expectations, I just think she's being manipulative. There's more to the story regarding a lot of bitchiness and that she basically tried to sabotage another friendship of mine saying I was spreading rumours (untrue).

And I have the right to say that that adivce was bad - i'm sure Taltos will get over it.She never gave me advice, i'd say, just listened and i would never tell someone that there advice was crap. The second part basically said that I was being selfish and wasn't paying attn to her when I was. I blatantly kept saying to her how are you, what's up in your life etc. And i'd even say to her i'm leaning too much on you, i shouldn't talk to you about this, i'm dumping all this on you etc. And she allowed me to continue. When someone tells you to talk to them, to open up you do just that. If i knew it was going to be too much for her i wouldn't have done it, I feel betrayed. She wanted me to tell her so much, and I did. You are all missing that point. She would go on and on about how she couldn't talk to other girls like she could with me and that she was there for me. then one day, as if out of nowhere, she desides against the idea. fair enough, but it's going to hurt. and i'm worried about her too..Now she is basically replacing me with others and i know for a fact that she is doing the same (taking on all their sh!t adn getting really good freinds with them very quickly). I even talked to one of her new friends about it and she agreed with what i have to say. She said she was just flakey.

I think it's harsh that you are all saying that. In fairness i was going through a rough patch and we should all be able to talk to our friends about our problems. If i kept it all bottled up i wouldn't be here. Now i don't tell anyone anything, hence being here.

Taltos

Seems like you have a plan - counselling and meds. Best of luck with that.

In terms of what she does / not tell Jack , sorry to be harsh hon but that is really none of your business. They have a right to have whatever friendship they wish. If she chooses to betray your trust she is only letting herself down.

You are right though. I am "over" your remark, you do need to be prepared though for advice that you clearly do not agree with. Does not make that advice any less valid....
Good question above though - is this how you normally react? Would certainly push me away...

LegacyUser

React to what normally? Being given advice? No j usually always take it on board! If you're talking about her I actually haven't said anything to her since. We just stopped talking, tried to talk to her about it countless times.. So I'm dropping it.

Hope a mod locks this. No one is understanding this. I wasn't overbearing or anything. It was the other way round.

steel_spine

There's something about your post that makes me want to ask - is it possible she's with Jack now, and that's what the sudden break of contact is about?

Ickle Magoo

OPagaib wrote: »

Hope a mod locks this.

I'm going to take that as a request to lock - if you change your mind then you can register and PM me.

All the best

Ickle