why do i have these phases?

LegacyUser

i find that im prone to having these phases of confidence followed by phases of feeling worthless. at times im on top of the world and i feel like im really going places and im happy with myself. other times - like now, hence me writing this post - i feel worthless. i feel useless and i hate myself. i dont now why i cant help but feel like this at times. its ruining me i feel. right now i hate myself, i hate the way i look, the results i get in college, everything about myself. i just want to be different. yet tomorrow i could be on top of the world and think that i look great, that i will get a good grade in my degree, that no one will stop me from being who i want to be.

im writing this because i cant tell anyone this at all. i try to and i clam up. anything that is remotely personal, or involves opening up to someone and i freeze. it takes me about half an hour to say anything. even writing this is difficult so bear with me...

i look at my life and think sometimes that im very lucky. fairly privileged upbringing - got put through a very good secondary school, im currently going to a fantastic university and im on course for a great degree. other times i think that im unlucky, i was lazy in my leaving and struggled to get into my college degree - i should easily have gotten over 500 points yet i just scraped over 400 because i screwed around and did nothing. i look at other people who work hard and get better results than me and it makes me feel bad because i know i should do better than i have done.

im very self conscious about my looks. i always catch myself looking at my reflection in the mirror and checking if my hair is ok etc... i used to hate the guys who did that, used to think they were so vain and up themselves yet i seem to have turned into one of them. i hate myself for doing it but i cant help it. ive been told im a good looking guy and, as i said above, when im feeling good i believe it, when im feeling bad; i hate everything to do with myself - my eyes are like this, my nose is too crooked, my chin is like that, my hairline is too high, im too short, im too tall etc.... none of this is true but i cant help but feel that way sometimes. no matter what i tell myself i can never seem to snap out of this habit of self criticism.

im 21 (male) and i feel like ive wasted most of my college life by being so insular - i only really got to know my class this year (3rd year) and i haven't joined any societies or anything. i go to the meetings at the start of the year and i give my details and say that ill help out and they never call me. i cant help but thinking that they didnt like me for some reason and that i did something wrong for some reason.

i go to nightclubs sometimes and i can never seem to enjoy myself. i hate dancing because it makes me feel so self conscious jumping up and down like an idiot on the dancefloor. i can never seem to pick up girls either. well thats semi-true. when i feel "great" i can usually do so with relative frequency and little enough difficulty but then there are times where i can go months and months without even talking to a girl in a nightclub. i feel at times that i cant even get her attention at all. that im invisible to girls in clubs in general. that im hugely insulting them by even attempting to talk to them and, even if i did get their attention, i wouldn't have the faintest notion what to say. i look at all these people around me who seem to have no problem at all going up and striking up a conversation with some random girl they've never met before and i cant help but wondering what they have that i dont.

sorry for the length of this, it all came out as i was writing it. i dont know whats wrong with me at all and it would be handy to get some advice from people who feel they can relate. ive tried speaking to college counsellors but as i said before, it involves me skirting around the issue for about 40mins and then blurting it all out at once. i find it extremely difficult to relate my problems in person.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Go and have a chat with your GP. I can't give you medical advise <mod edit: you can't so stop making suggestions> Please make an appointment and go, even if you're up again tomorrow and think everything's great. If you've been experiencing highs and lows for a long while that would be even more of a red flag.

BTW, I got 210 pts in my leaving cert and in my opinion I'm fecking deadly so you're a super genius

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down and I'm even sorrier to hear that you can't speak to anyone about it. From your post you come across as a very smart, self aware and really nice guy who has lot going for him but that you're finding it hard to believe that in yourself.

Reading your post, I can really identify with how you feel.
I felt the way you describe yourself as feeling from the age of 19 to my mid twenties. I was pretty much a recluse during college and managed to get a good degree despite being absent for most of my lectures- a degree which i then felt I didnt deserve. I felt like a fraud when I was happy, confident and doing well in life. I couldnt talk to anyone which resulted in me loosing some friends. I had a failed suicide attempt where I ended up in hospital & was something my family refused to discuss with me. I posted many a annonymous posts here when I felt really, really hopeless and i got many responses of advice and from people feeling the same way. These posts helped and I tried really hard to help myself by taking on their advice, by buying self help books etc. But nothing worked as I never really "believed" that I was worth anyone's helps or attention.

The one thing I wished I had listened to and taken on board sooner was to go to a GP and seek help. I was initially put on medication but another GP in the practice wanted me to go to a therapist. I went to one therapy session and bawled my eyes out. I didn't return for 3months until I was ready to delve deep into why I felt so terrible about myself. I went for a year and made some good, solid changes to the way i feel about myself and my actions. But it's hard work and although I'm not in therapy now, I will be going back soon. My self esteem & confidence have improved a good bit, and it's been noticed by a lot of people, but it's always a work in progress!

I don't regret the time it took to get me to realise I deserve better as it all adds up to the inner strength and resilience that you need in life to cope with things.

You said that you've tried going to college counselling and skirted around the issue for 40 mins- thats completely normal in therapy! The main thing is you have already had the courage to go to talk to someone- that's a huge step! You are aware that you don't want to feel like this anymore- another big step. You have already identified that you have a "habit of self criticism" and a habit is something that you can change over time with the right therapist

Fair play to you- you are a smart, young guy and like I have already said, you already have insight and awareness of how you feel, your habits & behaviours. You deserve to be happy and secure in yourself. and you deserve to get the support you need.

I really hope you persevere with seeking help and that it works out for you.

tenchi-fan

It sounds like insecurities are destroying your confidence.

When you take stock of things, life can seem pretty good. You're young, healthy, educated, good background and have your whole life ahead of you.

Then the insecurities creep in. The things that might go wrong (worrying) and the things that didn't go as well as they could have (rumination - obsessing about the past)

Your GP is a good place to start. There are conditions such as cyclothymia or even personality disorders which can also cause the feelings you are describing.

Counselling is also a good way of working through your issues.

If you binge drink at weekends, cut down on it too because alcohol is a depressant. Also get involved with social clubs and exercise regularly.

LegacyUser

icanrelate wrote: »

I was pretty much a recluse during college and managed to get a good degree despite being absent for most of my lectures- a degree which i then felt I didnt deserve. I felt like a fraud when I was happy, confident and doing well in life. I couldnt talk to anyone which resulted in me loosing some friends.

That stands out a bit for me. I miss a significant amount of lectures but I still seem to get a good grade at the end of the day - which I feel I in no way deserve because I haven't attended half the stuff.

tenchi-fan wrote: »

When you take stock of things, life can seem pretty good. You're young, healthy, educated, good background and have your whole life ahead of you.

Another thing, that I saw mentioned in another thread, was that it feels like I never have time to do anything. I'm not hugely active but I can't help but feel I don't have time to go to the gym or get music lessons or watch movies, play xbox etc... It's the weekend before I know it. It's scary how quickly this year has gone by. It's 2011 and I remember what I did in May as if it was yesterday. I don't even remember what I've done since September it's gone by so quickly. That entire period was just a haze for me. I think "when I finish college it'll be fine and I'll have time then" - it won't, in fact I'll probably have even less free time when I'm finished.

I think I will speak to someone in college again when term restarts but in the mean time I can't help but feel I never have time to do what I want and then after a certain amount of time has passed I look back and realise that I had plenty of time to do so. It's so frustrating.