I found out my brother is gay and I am should I try and be straight?

lonelyguy

Hi! I an 18 year old guy and I am really lost. My brother is 29.
This is what happened.
Well basically My brother was home for x-mas about a week be4 x-mas day and was staying in the spare room. I keep books and old note copies for school in there. So basically. I was doing my exams and wanted to grab a few copied before I went into school so I went into the room and grabbed the copies I thought were mine. When I got into school I opened one of the copies and the first words that popped out at me was ''I told him I was gay''. I flicked to another page and and I found a list of people who he had came out to and was planning to and my family is next. I know now my parents won't really want him to be gay at all.
I know now that since my brother will prob come out in the next few weeks or so and and my parents will be looking at me for grand kids and to keep on the family name. I actually feel like I have to get married to a woman and have kids to make them happy because If they knew that they created two gay kids they would feel like failures and I don't want that because I really love my them and they mean so much to me.
I was trying to accept my sexuality but now I feel like I have to stop and be straight!
What should I do?

mikemac

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, you're only 18 so don't worry over the family name, grandchildren and inheritance.
At a guess I'm wondering do you have a family farm to look after....

And feeling you have to get married is one of the worst reasons to do it.
You're parents will be just as stressed if your marraige falls apart if you rush into something. Relax and take things slow

I think you are overanalyzing things a bit.

Say nothing to your parents.
Your brother will do what he wants when he is ready. You say you know they won't be happy but how do you realy know? He is their son, they may well be a lot of accepting then you think

vibe666

first off, i think you should talk to your brother if nothing else and you should decide between you the best course of action.

like the previous poster though, i do think you're taking too much on your shoulders at 18 and i really think you need to look to your brother for help and advice. he's at least been through some of the things you will be going through already and come out the other side, so he could be a lot of help to you in finding your way.

where you go from there is something you both need to work out between you, i imagine it will be different for each person who has to come out to their parents, based on their situation, individual relationships with their parents and their families views on homosexuality.

i'm sure others on here who have had to go through it themselves would be able to give you a better idea than a random straight guy online, but i do have quite a few LGB friends and relatives so i might not be a typical bloke in that respect.

good luck anyway, i hope it all works out well for you both.

lonelyguy

There is a really small family farm. It is only a few acres so that doesn't really matter and they know that none of us wants to farm.
I know my parents think gay people were turned gay and theres something wrong with them. I also know that they wouldn't really be accepting. I know that my mam was hoping for us to get married someday and have children and I really want to give it to her.

Aard

lonelyguy wrote: »

If they knew that they created two gay kids they would feel like failures and I don't want that because I really love my them and they mean so much to me.

If they feel that way, that's their problem. The only feelings you have to look after are those of your own.


Maybe talk to your brother first about it and then tag-team the news, so to speak.

hotmail.com

lonelyguy wrote: »

There is a really small family farm. It is only a few acres so that doesn't really matter and they know that none of us wants to farm.
I know my parents think gay people were turned gay and theres something wrong with them. I also know that they wouldn't really be accepting. I know that my mam was hoping for us to get married someday and have children and I really want to give it to her.

Have you thought about just never telling them? I don't see why there's any need for them to find out. They can forever think their sons are straight bachelors. There's a lot of gay men that live their lives like that.

But anyway, you're 18, I wouldn't bother worrying about it and just get out and have fun meeting other gay guys.

Your parents don't really sound like very nice people, but perhaps you're thinking the worst.

DS333

1. You can't live your life for your parents.

2. You must also consider the girl you marry and your dishonesty in dealing with her.

3. You must think of your children: if you are unhappy in a duplicitous marriage, your unhappiness will affect your whole family.

4. Is it right to risk ruining all their lives to please your parents?

5. If it all goes pear-shaped, in the end you will have hurt your parents as well.

It could be a disaster all round. You need to consider such a step very, very seriously.

Annasopra

Talk to your brother - tell him everything and see where things go from there

ninty9er

lonelyguy wrote: »

I know that my mam was hoping for us to get married someday and have children and I really want to give it to her.

She's an Irish mother, it's pretty much a given that they want that, but they can't always get what they want.

When I told mine that was one of my major worries, but hey, look at Elton John...a dad at 60 odd.

This one is slightly underhand, but you said you saw a list of people he's come out to, would talking to one of them and maybe getting them to suggest he talks to you about it (you were asking them awkward questions or something) work?

Main thing is that at least you know that you'll have your brother and he'll have you if your parents don't like it.

Beruthiel

lonelyguy wrote: »

my parents will be looking at me for grand kids and to keep on the family name.

Gay/straight/klingon, a parent has no right whatsoever to put such an expectation on any child.
Speaking as a parent, I didn't have my daughter so she could extend the family line.
This is your life, to do with as YOU please, so drop that guilt you've got on your back.
Anyone/parent who starts building up expectations better prepare to be disappointed.
The only expectation any parent has a right to have is that their child is happy and healthy.

If they knew that they created two gay kids they would feel like failures

That says an awful lot about them and their attitudes.
You love your parents enough to waste your one and only life living a lie and in the process being miserable.
Is that what your parents really want you to do? Because if it is, they don't love you as much as you do them.

Live your life the way you need to in order to be happy. If your parents cannot accept that, that's their problem.

oisindoyle

Well what i would say to you is RELAX,stop fretting and worrying .

I do have one serious issue with the following and i quote "If they knew that they created two gay kids they would feel like failures and I don't want that because I really love my them and they mean so much "...

Can i ask why you would say such a thing??It implies that there is something wrong with being gay.Well I have news for you ... .Being gay is normal and natural .Why even think that parents would think of themselves as being failures,really it is an insult to all gay people and parents of gay people ...

Anyway,end of rant ,lets get back to your comment.

I would suggest you say absolutely nothing to your brother until HE DECIDES to come out to you .It is his decison alone .for all you know he may not tell you for a long time or he may tell you tomorrow ,that's his right .
IF and when he comes out ,give him a hug and say you are there for him,that you love him it will mean a lot to him .Then maybe in time tell him about you ,he may be shocked he may already know you are gay .But guess what you will both have things in common and can talk about lots of things together ,all things gay !!

You said yourself you are gay ,but because of your discovery ,you feel the need to meet a girl settle down and marry ...

Well ,that would be a disasterous thing to do .You are gay ,thats your sexual orinetation,you cannot change who you are ,regardless of whether you think it is the right thing to do ,"for your parents"...

Withour trying to patronise you ,you are still young and obviously the discovery of your brothers secret has thrown a spanner in the works as it were and has you thinking all sorts .

Having two gay children is quite common believe it or not .Im gay and i have a gay brother so dont worry,in fact since we both came out(at different times ) we have become even closer I know lots of guys who have a gay brother or a gay sister ,in fact one friend of mine has 2 other siblings who are gay ,and everything is kool...

For now i would say to you to stop worrying ,see how things pan out and you come out to your family when YOU decide ,because trying to change your sexuality ,for your parents sake ,is a no no ..

If you want to send me a PM anytime ,please feel free,.

I wish you well .

CluelessGirl

Hey!

Long story short............I am gay and had a very hard time coming out. My parents and family accepted it but they were disappointed which can be expected and understandable as they have dreams for their kids etc......

This year my bro came out..........we had no idea to be honest. He is in his 30's and kept it secret for so long that it was eating away at him that if he didn't say it he was gonna burst.

Everyone went thats grand yeah whatever....as they had been threw it with me and understood and accepted it....! Mum and Dad were in shock.....having two in the family but they accept us both now and are very proud of the people we are and who we have become as adults. Our sexuality is a small part of who we are.

At Xmas we were all at home with our partners and my sister and her husband (imagine the pressure she must feel under....so we tell her to wind her up.....having kids like!!!) and it was like any normal family. Mum even commented on how she had never seen us all so happy......probably the reason being that we are now comfortable in who we are.

It is not something that happens over night it takes time just as you need time to accept you, your parents and family do too. Be patient with them. I never would have dreamed of a Xmas like this.

Just be brave and have courage.......I think let your brother do his thing on his own and then when it is time for you to do it if you feel like telling your brother do or else just come out yourself. Don't hide who you are for anyone and don't leave it too late.

To be honest I was disappointed when my bro came out as I did feel some guilt for what you have said but you have your life and MUST live it for yourself. Anyone can have a kid these days.....so many options......

Hope this helps in some way. Just my experience.

Demonique

Parents aren't entitled to grandchildren from their children. If they give you grief over it, then that's their problem not yours.

Some parents whine about their 'selfish children denying them grandchildren', IMO it's selfish to expect their children to bow to their wishes

If your mother is so desperate to dote on a child she should get IVF and become one of those geriatric mothers

lonelyguy

Thanks for the advice guys. It means a lot to me. I am just really lost at where I am in my life now. I just want to make my parents happy and proud of me and I know that they would love for me to have a family.

cgcsb

Dude, you being a 'mo is by no means an impassable obsticle to you having children. At present the government of our country is going through hell and high water to prevent you and people like you from getting married(to a same sex partner) and having kids, that'll change.

Re: the pretending to be straight for the rest of your life. Well that's just stupid to be quite honest. Why would you sacrifice your own hapiness, destroy the life of an innocent woman(who you marry), and bring children into a loveless marriage (and most likely divorce) for the sake of your parents' selfish whim. If they want instant grandkids, they should go adopt a baby from China or something. You can't live someone else's life forever, you know who and what you are.

These are children we're talking about, not posessions, not names on a piece of paper. If your parents would even consider, for one moment, placing an expectation upon you to such an amoral thing, then they don't love you, they hate their (potential)grandkids and they have absolutely no regard for the sanctity of marriage or for your (poential) wife.

You'll probably go to college soon, get a degree, emigrate, and forget all about that terrible place, and build real life for yourself. You have the potential to be a strong, confident, independent, gay man, don't throw that away for a lie.

I'm also gay with a gay brother, it's actually quite common.

Annasopra

lonelyguy wrote: »

Thanks for the advice guys. It means a lot to me. I am just really lost at where I am in my life now. I just want to make my parents happy and proud of me and I know that they would love for me to have a family.

I'm not too sure if you are genuine at all given all of your previous postings about your brother and parents and also the fact that you always post threads here and then the exact same discussion on other forums such as gaire.com. You probably need some counselling which boards.ie cant provide.