A predicament i wish i didnt have!

GaelMonfils

need a tad of advice here folks. Im slowly going out of mind and dont know what to do. Currently waiting for my local gp to call back so i thought id type.............

My mother, whos in her mid 50's has recently (3 months ago) completed a mutual divorce from my father, they were separated for the last 10 years also. Now, for as long as i can remember, my mother has being a cross, angry depressed person. She has fallen out with everyone and anyone, and thinks she is the only woman in the world to does a bit of work ie martyrdom. She has also being borderline alcoholic and gets particularly nasty on brandy! She come from a large, fairly affluent family who portrait themselves as being the dogs bolllox of local society and think they have no issues. Thats a little bit of background on her.

Now, in November this year, in a drunken messed up, suicidal state, my mother told me that she was raped by her father and 2 other local men when she was a little kid at home on the farm. This blew my fcuking mind wide open. She begged me not to tell anyone as it would destroy her perfect family bla bla bla. Her father, my grandfather, died 5 years ago but her mother is still alive. Since telling me this sh1t storm of a story, my mum has refused to get out of bed or eat anything. That was over 4 days ago. She also has threatened suicide again and Ive had to hide all the pills in the house (however, this isnt really a big thing in our house as she's being threatening to do it since me and my siblings were little kids!!)

I really dont know what to do with the woman. I came home for christmas and havent left the house because she makes me fell so fcuking guilty. I dont know what a nervous break down is but im pretty sure whats happening to her right now is pretty damn close.

any ideas what options there are to get this woman help? I dont have money, she doesnt have money and her family think theres no problem, so fancy luny bins are out!

Nody

Ask the local parish priest to come by; this might allow her to open up and get over the initial shock (I'd say she's shocked she actually said it after holding it in for so long).

Beyond that I'd guess there being free phone lines you can call as well (not looked into it but I'm sure other members can provide it / google it up) for support / help.

That will give you a starting point at least.

Zen65

GaelMonfils wrote: »

any ideas what options there are to get this woman help?

Op,

From the background you paint of your mum, I'd wonder whether the story has any truth to it. The story, being told at this time, may be as much about trying to hold onto you.

I'd suggest that you consider:

1) Talking to your father. It seems odd that she would have never mentioned this story to him at some point in the past.

2) Talk to any living sisters your mum still has, especially younger sisters. In most cases (not all) where a father abuses a daughter, he abuses all of the daughters, not just one, at around the same age. Your aunts may be able to cast some light on this story. Of course, they may reject you and your query out of hand if it invokes awful memories for them, and they may equally be angry if the story is untrue that your mum would say such a thing.

Be at peace,

Z

GaelMonfils

cheers for the advice lads.

Its being an interesting evening to say the least since posting earlier. The Doctor called and left a card of valium to help keep her calm. He recommended i called the rape crisis centre in our region and have a chat with them and i really must commend the lady i was speaking with. Very very helpful. My mother agreed to go meet with them (however, as the time of year thats in it, it could be a few days before a meeting is organised)

Just got her off to sleep now but we we're 'talking' all evening. And when i say talking i mean she was repeating the following phrases over and over and over while i tried to console her:
"i wish i died at birth"
"why was i born a woman"
"i will commit suicide very soon and be gone"
"i dont eat. why would i eat? whats the point..."

She also revealed some more mind fcuking stuff. She was raped not only be her now dead father and the local vet who would visit their farm, but also by two of her older brothers, my uncles! These guys are still very much alive. My mind is numb right now, i dont know what to think.

And its not a fabricated story or a 'cry for help' as some might think. I know the woman for 29 years, i know the horror she is recalling is coming from deep inside her mind and it has her on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
I was supposed to be out celebrating tonight with my cousin who recently got engaged but cant, my own mind is melting

LegacyUser

Op, I could have written that myself. Put a shiver up my spine. My mother is exactly the same. Full-blown alcoholic mind you but a very similar situation, sexually abused by her father for years. Of course there was twenty something years of us dealing with alcoholism, depression and everything that goes along with that until this 'news' comes out. My grandfather is still alive which drives my mother further off this planet.

Sadly, this type of behaviour was not uncommon (sexual abuse in family). I have heard from 5 more people about their horrendous childhoods in the 60s/70s/80s. I imagine its still going on, sickening. Often people with addictions and depression have these awful secrets that only come to the surface when its too late to help. I often wonder what kind of woman my mother would be is she escaped this abuse.

You must be totally shell-shocked at this OP, I feel so bad for you. You are doing all the right things, supporting your mother as best you can. Maybe she needs to address the alcohol situation aswell. Keep in contact with the GP and maybe try to arrange a counsellor to speak with her. I hope she improves in the next couple of days. Try to keep her off the drink because you will get no sensible thinking from her, under the influence.

All the best Op.

curlzy

OH god op that's horrific. thank god you're 29! I was reading the whole way through thinking please don't be a teenager!! You really need help on this one, either medical or mental, go back to your GP. If she really is in danger of killing herself maybe get her sectioned? Who knows if any of it is real or not be either way one thing is clear, your mam needs help that you just can't give. Go back to the GP and just say you don't know what to do. You need help OP. Best of luck.

GaelMonfils

thank you for your kind words lads/ladies, no matter how anonymous you are, they are 100% appreciated and uplifting to me:)


situation follow up is that i arranged to get a meeting this morning between my mother and the lady from the rape crisis centre, and even though it was only 2 hours talking, my mother has perked up a bit today. I also got her to eat dinner which was a relief. There is no booze in the house either, except stout, which aint bad considering our house is like a brewery at Christmas time.

@stranglysimilar - for years, we too thought our mothers only issue was alcoholism. She was always drinking and falling out with people. She had no worries drink driving around the town and the likes. We managed to get her drinking curbed by threatening to leave her and never call or visit (me and my 4 siblings).
Unfortunately. the doctors are feck all help when it comes to alcoholics. They need to want to turn their lives around themselves. I called the likes of hope house in Mayo (a dry out centre) last year some time and even to speak with them over the phone was very helpful.

Maybe yourself, if even only to chat with someone that has first hand experience with these sort of cases, look up your local rape crisis centre and give them a call. The lady that is now talking with mum has done more for my own mind in 24 hours than anything has for years and years of an emotional roller-coaster called life:)

@curlzy - yes, being 29 is a help. I really dont think i would be typing this now if i had found out about this history of sexual abuse years ago. I was a bit nuts as a teenager but i loved hard work so it kept me together. About having mother sanctioned, i tried this a couple of years back during one of her 'dark' periods and we did manage to get her to volunteer to go into hospital for some care/evaluation. However, she found the 'help' to be beneath her and so told them to eff off and she signed herself out!