Fiance's Rude Parents - Am I Overreacting and What To Do?

LegacyUser

Just returned home after an awful Christmas with my fiance's parents. We usually go there as I'm an only child and my mother died last year anyway. Its a 300 mile round trip so we have to stay in their (large) house. I've noticed recently that they make comments to my fiance that seem to imply that I have nothing better to do with my time than run around after him and this visit confirmed that there is something not right about their behaviour, but just wanted some other people's views on it?

We planned to return home on Boxing Day but as seems to be their usual pattern, they started to make an issue out of it. They suggested fiance stay with them for a week (he is recovering from swine flu and has a lung and ear infection) and I drove back on my own and then returned a few days later to collect him. Fortunately fiance didn't want to. So then we were told we had to stay at least another two days, as the sister was visiting then. Even though she only lives 30 miles away! So I arranged to visit my one remaining living relative in the evening of that day.

The parents never went out of doors once during the festive period, not even for a walk, whereas I am very sporty and active. I don't criticise them for this; its just noticeable because its different from the way my family were. I think the lack of anything to do also makes them go a bit crazy (they are retired). On hearing I was going to the gym, the father started making obnoxious remarks about how I was too old and I was deteriorating (I am mid thirties). I bit my tongue but did reply to his questions as to why I was doing it by saying I enjoyed it. The mother overheard and told me to keep my "tone of voice down in her house".

The next day I woke up to overhear a conversation between the parents and his fiance asking if he could visit an elderly aunt who can't care for herself and had run out of food, 60 miles away. He refused, because he was ill, so then it was "Maybe [me] can do it". By the time I came downstairs it had been decided that we would to a detour on our drive home later that day. Note, not asked politely if we could go, but told. I didn't mind but said we would have to leave an hour earlier and was again told, rudely, that we "would be leaving at 3pm and not any earlier". Door slammed and walked away.

By this time, I was crying. I hardly ever cry but it was all just getting on top of me. I tried to speak to the mother reasonably, pointing out that I hadn't yet visited my own relative and I didn't want to be late and was told that she had also experienced the deaths of parents and I "knew the rules when coming here". I told her there was no such thing and that people don't speak that way and it wasn't my fault her daughter couldn't be bothered to visit until the Tuesday. She tells me she doesn't like the way I speak to people "in her house". Door slammed in my face again. (admittedly my fiance is noted even amongst his friends for being quite badly behaved at times and me for being a saint to put up with him and I do occasionally speak sharply to him -but its not like bawling arguements in front of people and my actual behaviour, as in how I conduct myself, is really good). In other words, actions speak louder than words.

She then comes down and says we will be permitted to leave earlier, after dinner, "as long as I don't sulk". Thankfully we escape and have a lovely time at my relative's, who asks me if I'm upset about anything (I just brush it off as don't want to spoil her day). After of course dropping off food to their poor elderly relative, whom they all seem to hate - I felt so sorry for her. How awful for her that over the Christmas period, the one person that visited her was someone not even related to her (fiance had to stay in the car in case of infecting her).

I also suspect if this elderly relative had any money or property to leave, they would all be round there in a flash. Dinner table conversation from the parents had been about how the mother hadn't been left as much as her brothers in her father's will and how she had challenged it and got more. Now they seem to be loaded for retired people and have just bought a massive house in France, a 50,000E motorhome and a new car. Needless to say my fiance got nothing from his grandfather's estate. The father's brother also died and left hundreds of thousands and ditto, despite him and fiance being rather close and fiance raising money for the disease which killed him following his death. They claim some solicitor has lost a will somewhere and honestly it all sounds really fraudulent and I just don't want to hear that sort of stuff. It was apparantly the same when the great grandfather died and I find it all really distasteful.

I've sold my house and put the over 150,000E profits into joint rental properties with fiance and they made money grabbing comments about that too - they seem to think he does all the work and I do nothing, whereas it is actually me that manages them and hence I work part-time in my career now (which they also criticise me for).

Is this normal? How best to deal with it? They have no hold over me, I don't see that I am obliged ever to see them again. How much should I put myself through for the sake of politeness?

seamus

It all comes down to "family of origin" stuff. This is his family and this is how they are. Is it normal? No, but then if you spend a few days with any family you'll discover that nobody does anything the same way and no family is necessarily "normal" behind closed doors.

They sound like manipulative, cynical and controlling parents. Lots of people have them and they deal with them in different ways. Probably because you're now the fiance, you're being treated as family and therefore are subject to the same ****e that the rest of the family deal with. Though you admit yourself that you can be sharp-tongued so any situation will be worsened if there's a little less diplomacy than necessary.

Do you have to put up with it? Yes and no. Falling out with your other half's parents is not a good thing. At best it means that family occasions are cold and tense, when they should be warm and happy. At worst, you will lose your boyfriend, either now or after you get married.
There is a mile of difference between standing up for yourself and effectively saying, "This is how I am, take me or leave me", and out-and-out just refusing to talk to someone and staying at loggerheads with them.

You are a mid-thirties adult, and therefore capable of and entitled to make your own decisions. Once you nip the "play by my rules" attitude that your mother-in-law has, she'll realise that she can't control you and stop trying.
For example, rather than argue with them over the time you had to leave, just tell them that you're leaving at such-an-such time. She can say, "You're not leaving till 3pm", but there's no physical force stopping you from packing up and leaving when you need to leave.

All that said, the vast majority of change needs to come from your fiance's side. If you think that his family are continually disrespecting you, then it is up to him to set them straight. You should never have to fight with his family - he should always be fighting on your behalf. If he doesn't, then you need to question his level of commitment to you.

You might both be mid-thirties, but you could be mid-fifties before you're rid of his parents. That's a long time to be fighting a battle you can't win alone.

astra2000

Aah poor you what an awful christmas for you. In answer to your question it is not normal and you shouldnt have to deal with that type of treatment. What is standing out to me though is the apparent lack on your fiancees behalf to stand up for you, I find that really hard to understand, I would be more concerned with his behaviour than theirs. He needs to sort this out lay down some rules and tolerate no ill treatment of you by his family. Frankly he should have done this already of his own bat it doesnt say a lot for him that he hasnt. I hope I have it wrong and he does treat you very well I really do feel for you it must be hard having no immediate family I wish you all the best.

Forest Master

astra2000 wrote: »

What is standing out to me though is the apparent lack on your fiancees behalf to stand up for you, I find that really hard to understand, I would be more concerned with his behaviour than theirs. He needs to sort this out lay down some rules and tolerate no ill treatment of you by his family. Frankly he should have done this already of his own bat it doesnt say a lot for him that he hasnt.

^^ This.

tinkerbell

OP, it says an awful lot about your fiancé to say that you are going through this and he is allowing his mother and father to talk to you in the way that they do. They are being completely disrespectful and treating you like you are a pesky annoying kid, and not a grown woman.

Your fiancé should be telling them that they have no right to speak to you in the way that they do. You should be his number 1 priority now. When a person gets married / engaged, their partner should become the number 1 priority in their life, nobody else. So he should be sticking up for you. If anybody spoke to me in that way, then I would refuse to go to that house again until they started respecting me. I know that if anybody spoke to my partner that way, they would never do it again because I would tell them what I thought of them.

In the absence of your fiancé doing anything about it, then you need to assert yourself. Do not let her control you. If she says you are not allowed go at such a time, tell her that you are going, and she cannot stop you. I wouldn't even bother staying there if she's acting like that. And also, do not change your plans for her. She sounds like a pig ignorant cow. And it's going to continue unless you stand up for yourself. And you need to have a serious talk with your fiancé.

LegacyUser

Its no coincidence you are all saying the same things. I know my fciance is a bit spineless, and I doubt his parents would speak to me the way they do if he would just say calmly but firmly "No, thats not acceptable". I think a lot of it is because they know he will let them away with it and they play on it. I'm at a bit of a loss as to what kind of people would do that, but I'm certainly not getting anything out of spending time with them. I was so upset by the whole thing I felt a bit like I guess someone who was bullied at school might be (and I wasn't), trapped and unable to answer back.

seamus wrote: »

Do you have to put up with it? Yes and no. Falling out with your other half's parents is not a good thing. At best it means that family occasions are cold and tense, when they should be warm and happy. At worst, you will lose your boyfriend, either now or after you get married.

I see it more as him losing me. Without wishing to blow my own trumpet, I'm a far better physical specimen than any of them and I wouldn't have any trouble attracting another partner. I wonder if its because they think themselves quite posh (they are actually middle class) whereas I am genuinely posh and slightly better educated, and they don't like it. Neither do I have any fear of being single, particularly when you are made to feel as bad as I've done over the past few days. It just doesn't reflect well upon him, either his conduct in failing to stop them from speaking to me like that, or on what type of people they all are.

I have lots of friends I do enjoy spending time with and who make me happy and I think its good to be independent in life from your parents anyway. I'm certainly not relying on his family circle to fill in my social life.

seamus wrote: »

There is a mile of difference between standing up for yourself and effectively saying, "This is how I am, take me or leave me", and out-and-out just refusing to talk to someone and staying at loggerheads with them.

You know, I bit my lip so much the past few days. Bearing in mind how overly sensitive they are to the most slightly sharp tone to their darling son, I sugar coated everything I said. I could have almost been sanctified by the end of that five days. I haven't mentioned the father's racist rantings, or his criticism of the brother's wife as a golddigger who still looks pregnant a year after giving birth. Or of the sister's husband for being partly deaf and therefore "flawed" (their words, not mine).

seamus wrote: »

For example, rather than argue with them over the time you had to leave, just tell them that you're leaving at such-an-such time. She can say, "You're not leaving till 3pm", but there's no physical force stopping you from packing up and leaving when you need to leave.

Invariably my car is blocked in in their driveway and I do have to get someone else to move theirs. Even if by some miracle it wasn't, getting my fiance to leave without making a fuss, to which the mother's ears would prick up, would simply allow them the amunition to create another scene. Its definately a pattern they fall into when I'm there. They stick their noses in about our travel arrangements and make them into some kind of problem, basically saying I am in the wrong for not acting as his own personal taxi service and undergoing lengthy detours so he doesn't have to get a train back or something. I I just left he would also then sulk and moan at me on the journey back and bring it up for months afterwards.

seamus wrote: »

All that said, the vast majority of change needs to come from your fiance's side. If you think that his family are continually disrespecting you, then it is up to him to set them straight. You should never have to fight with his family - he should always be fighting on your behalf. If he doesn't, then you need to question his level of commitment to you.

I don't think he can be that bothered about me. He's definately a product of his parent's upbringing. The mantra in that family seems to be its ok to behave as badly as you like, as long as you don't have any kind of confrontation about it!

If I did go back I would end up really telling them what I thought of their dreadful way of speaking to people and things really would be awkward then. She can send me as many bolshy emails as she likes saying things like "Your presence WILL BE required" (that really is the way they speak), I will be ignoring them all.

Stheno

Bit Upset wrote: »

I see it more as him losing me. Without wishing to blow my own trumpet, I'm a far better physical specimen than any of them and I wouldn't have any trouble attracting another partner. I wonder if its because they think themselves quite posh (they are actually middle class) whereas I am genuinely posh and slightly better educated, and they don't like it. Neither do I have any fear of being single, particularly when you are made to feel as bad as I've done over the past few days.

I don't think he can be that bothered about me.

Those two statements really make me wonder why either of you are in the relationship tbh.

Moomoo1

Bit Upset wrote: »

I see it more as him losing me. Without wishing to blow my own trumpet, I'm a far better physical specimen than any of them and I wouldn't have any trouble attracting another partner. I wonder if its because they think themselves quite posh (they are actually middle class) whereas I am genuinely posh and slightly better educated, and they don't like it. Neither do I have any fear of being single, particularly when you are made to feel as bad as I've done over the past few days. It just doesn't reflect well upon him, either his conduct in failing to stop them from speaking to me like that, or on what type of people they all are.

just like this paragraph doesn't reflect well on _you_?

Bit Upset wrote: »

If I did go back I would end up really telling them what I thought of their dreadful way of speaking to people and things really would be awkward then. She can send me as many bolshy emails as she likes saying things like "Your presence WILL BE required" (that really is the way they speak), I will be ignoring them all.

I am sure that if you email Mother Superior roughly the contents of that last post and all the other things you had a problem with, you'd never be invited again, ever. I think you should do it, too. Particularly the bit about the elderly relative: the way they treat her is many times worse than what they did to you.

UrbanSea

I would have left the house to be honest following a good rant to them. Mind you,it may be regretted,as your fiance doesn't seem to support you too much in his parent's house.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm really glad I read your second post in full. You seem very confident so I'll skip the pep talk. I'm just wondering why in the name of god you're planning on marrying into a family of scum??? Calling a deaf girl "flawed", not visiting elderly relatives, racist rants, controlling you? All that is very scummy behaviour. People think common people are scum but I know families from Finglas/Crumlin/Tallaght that would be leagues in front of what you describe in terms of manners. Scum is as scum does so they fit the bill. I could understand it if your OH was an uber catch but tbh he doesn't sound it, he sounds like a weak spineless jellyfish, so my question again is why??? This sentance really sticks out at me: "If I just left he would also then sulk and moan at me on the journey back and bring it up for months afterwards." Like come on now, is he 12? Like seriously it made me laugh. You're well smarter than that. That family are not normal at all, yeah every family has it's eccentricities but they just cnuts by the sounds of it. Get out now would be my advise, why tie yourself to a man that doesn't have your back and leaves most of the work to you and is basically ball-less, and tie yourself to a family of nasty vipers? If your finances are all tied up in his then make sure you get it sorted out and protected before you finish it though. Be smart and mind yourself but I'm not worried to be honest you sound strong and smart. Best of luck OP.

curlzy

Moomoo1 wrote: »

just like this paragraph doesn't reflect well on _you_?

Actually it does moomoo1, she has her head on straight and is honest enough to admit that she can do better than him.

LegacyUser

I am struggling, having read your posts, to understand why on earth your are with this man. You seem a good person if we take what you say at face value (and I presume the tone comes across as worse than intended in your more "boastful" moments ) and he seems to be, well, a poorly behaved damp squib from a horrible family. What exactly are you getting from this?!

Presuming you are genuine about considering any loss of the relationship a loss on his part, not yours, then what have you got to lose by issuing an ulitmatum? Either he stands up to them and sorts it out, stands by you as you stand up to them and sort it, with the possibility that it all falls apart and you personally never see them again (sometimes these things just can't be resolved and while it's all well and good saying "family is family and you have to accept them", it's not true, you don't) or he can go sling his hook.

MJ23

I'd say the build up to those visits are unbearable. You should give her some of "tone in my house" stuff when they come visit you, if they do. See how she likes it. You should let rip into her, would you really care if you werent welcome there any more? You have a nice peacful christmas. And think of the satisfaction you'd get tearing into her, rather than let it boil up inside you.

Moomoo1

curlzy wrote: »

Actually it does moomoo1, she has her head on straight and is honest enough to admit that she can do better than him.

maybe she should be honest enough to tell that to her OH rather than to some randomers on the internet, because there are many people out there whose response would be 'well, **** *** and do better then'.


you know, they say a man's ideal wife is a copy of his mother... which is why that comment was interesting

LegacyUser

OP, why are you two getting married when you believe you're much better than him?

If you despise him and his family already, a marriage won't last long.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm really glad I read your second post in full. You seem very confident so I'll skip the pep talk. I'm just wondering why in the name of god you're planning on marrying into a family of scum??? Calling a deaf girl "flawed", not visiting elderly relatives, racist rants, controlling you? All that is very scummy behaviour. People think common people are scum but I know families from Finglas/Crumlin/Tallaght that would be leagues in front of what you describe in terms of manners. Scum is as scum does so they fit the bill. I could understand it if your OH was an uber catch but tbh he doesn't sound it, he sounds like a weak spineless jellyfish, so my question again is why??? This sentance really sticks out at me: "If I just left he would also then sulk and moan at me on the journey back and bring it up for months afterwards." Like come on now, is he 12? Like seriously it made me laugh. You're well smarter than that. That family are not normal at all, yeah every family has it's eccentricities but they just cnuts by the sounds of it. Get out now would be my advise, why tie yourself to a man that doesn't have your back and leaves most of the work to you and is basically ball-less, and tie yourself to a family of nasty vipers? If your finances are all tied up in his then make sure you get it sorted out and protected before you finish it though. Be smart and mind yourself but I'm not worried to be honest you sound strong and smart. Best of luck OP.

Spot on Curlzy. Thanks for seeing through the tone of my posts, which have come out that way because I'm so upset - and because I don't have anyone else to stick up for myself, other than myself, in that situation. Maybe I don't get it 100% perfect but I really think I was very restrained - but the more restrained I am, the worse they get!

MJ23 - none of the family members ever visit my fiance, their eldest son. This was the case before he got together with me. Even though they often drive past on their way to the docks to their house in France. It just doesn't seem to occur to them!

MooMoo- you could probably say something about both of us being Alpha Females, but I would like to think I have more social skills and can get on with a wide range of people from all backgrounds. Regardless of whether I will inherit money from them.

They do consider themselves a cut above the rest, and I don't think they like the fact that I went to a boarding school, etc. They are of course horribly vulgar and I agree that many people from much poorer backgrounds behave far better. My own parents used to invite round two ancient employees of their parents, long retired, for Christmas, collect them and drop them off! I feel so, so sorry for the elderly aunt. You know, she gave me some fudge for Christmas, which was all she had as she can't get to the shops.

I keep coming back to the inheritance issue. It is such a strange thing to be talking about over Christmas, and as pensioners, they have so money to buy expensive stuff suddenly, it is unreal. Yet they claim they cannot afford a solicitor to investigate the alleged losing of this will! I could be wrong, but I think they've been overcome by greed and they think money rules all. Also, because they both took early retirement from public sector jobs on generous final salary pension schemes, its been a long time since they were in the workplace and forced to get on with other people.

I have a suspicion that when they find out I am ignoring them (which is what I'm going to do), the mother will make a threat to disinherit the son. At which point I will tell her that unlike members of her family, I cannot be bought. I just cannot believe the way that woman speaks to people.

I know my fiance is spineless, but we get on well together on a daily basis. Its pretty hard to find a man who doesn't have faults, but the question has to be answered by me as to whether this is something that is going to irk at me so much I cannot bear it any longer. And, possibly because I'm not very mercenary and don't view people in terms of what I can get out of them, I've never really thought about it before, but my fiance is not a particularly good catch for, how do I make this not sound too conceited, someone like me. I am having a good think about it right now though. I wouldn't put it past the mother to try and lay some claim somehow on my investments into the joint properties, and I will be consulting a specialist solicitor about it, although its drawn up pretty watertight anyway.

curlzy

Bit Upset wrote: »

I know my fiance is spineless, but we get on well together on a daily basis. Its pretty hard to find a man who doesn't have faults, but the question has to be answered by me as to whether this is something that is going to irk at me so much I cannot bear it any longer. And, possibly because I'm not very mercenary and don't view people in terms of what I can get out of them, I've never really thought about it before, but my fiance is not a particularly good catch for, how do I make this not sound too conceited, someone like me. I am having a good think about it right now though. I wouldn't put it past the mother to try and lay some claim somehow on my investments into the joint properties, and I will be consulting a specialist solicitor about it, although its drawn up pretty watertight anyway.

Good woman. You've a good head on your shoulders. Make sure to follow up on the solicitor even if things turn rosey again, that MIL sounds like a money grabbing scummer. TBH I wouldn't settle for someone just because you usually get on. I'm head over heels for my BF and I can't imagine being with someone if I wasn't, you deserve that too. The fact you see that you can do better doesn't seem that you are in love at all but that it's convenient more than anything else, that's not good and defo not a basis for a marraige. I'd say have a good long think before making any wedding plans. Best of luck.

Chucky the tree

You seem about as unpleasant as the Mother in Law OP.

Bit Upset wrote: »

Its a 300 mile round trip so we have to stay in their (large) house.

At first I was wondering why you mentioned "large" in brackets, then reading the rest of your post it obvious. Money seems to be a pretty big deal to you.

Bit Upset wrote: »

The parents never went out of doors once during the festive period, not even for a walk, whereas I am very sporty and active. I don't criticise them for this; its just noticeable because its different from the way my family were. I think the lack of anything to do also makes them go a bit crazy (they are retired).

Lol, that's you idea of not criticing them? Calling them crazy? Lovely.

Bit Upset wrote: »

I see it more as him losing me. Without wishing to blow my own trumpet, I'm a far better physical specimen than any of them and I wouldn't have any trouble attracting another partner. I wonder if its because they think themselves quite posh (they are actually middle class) whereas I am genuinely posh and slightly better educated, and they don't like it. Neither do I have any fear of being single, particularly when you are made to feel as bad as I've done over the past few days. It just doesn't reflect well upon him, either his conduct in failing to stop them from speaking to me like that, or on what type of people they all are.

This is stuff is unreal. It seems the things that matter most to you are phyiscal looks and money. As for not having any trouble attracting a new partner, does attracting one who actually has a good personality matter? As for being genuinely posh, wtf does that mean? Sound very stuck up.

Bit Upset wrote: »

I keep coming back to the inheritance issue. It is such a strange thing to be talking about over Christmas, and as pensioners, they have so money to buy expensive stuff suddenly, it is unreal. Yet they claim they cannot afford a solicitor to investigate the alleged losing of this will! I could be wrong, but I think they've been overcome by greed and they think money rules all. Also, because they both took early retirement from public sector jobs on generous final salary pension schemes, its been a long time since they were in the workplace and forced to get on with other people.

Talk about pot calling the kettle black.

Bit Upset wrote: »

I have a suspicion that when they find out I am ignoring them (which is what I'm going to do), the mother will make a threat to disinherit the son. At which point I will tell her that unlike members of her family, I cannot be bought. I just cannot believe the way that woman speaks to people.

I know my fiance is spineless, but we get on well together on a daily basis. Its pretty hard to find a man who doesn't have faults, but the question has to be answered by me as to whether this is something that is going to irk at me so much I cannot bear it any longer. And, possibly because I'm not very mercenary and don't view people in terms of what I can get out of them, I've never really thought about it before, but my fiance is not a particularly good catch for, how do I make this not sound too conceited, someone like me.

Have you talked to your finace about being disinherited? Does he care? Considering you seem pissed off about him getting none of the money his grand dad or Uncle myabe it worries you a lot more. The last few lines are more comedy gold, you don't view people in terms of what you can get out of them but you know your fiance is not a good catch for someone like you? Unreal. MooMoo comment about a man's ideal wife being someone like his Mo seems spot on in this case, and in this case it seems a near perfect match.

Moomoo1

Bit Upset wrote: »

MooMoo- you could probably say something about both of us being Alpha Females, but I would like to think I have more social skills and can get on with a wide range of people from all backgrounds. Regardless of whether I will inherit money from them.

They do consider themselves a cut above the rest, and I don't think they like the fact that I went to a boarding school, etc.

Bit Upset wrote: »

And, possibly because I'm not very mercenary and don't view people in terms of what I can get out of them, I've never really thought about it before, but my fiance is not a particularly good catch for, how do I make this not sound too conceited, someone like me.

I take your point re: social skills. But regardless of that (i) it's ironic that you say they consider themselves a cut above the rest and then start going on about how you are too good for them and (ii) you are saying things about your partner that would be far more hurtful than anything his mother said to you - were he to find out.

Don't get me wrong though, your future in-laws are deeply horrible people. The elderly relative thing is just terrible.

Bit Upset wrote: »

I know my fiance is spineless, but we get on well together on a daily basis. Its pretty hard to find a man who doesn't have faults, but the question has to be answered by me as to whether this is something that is going to irk at me so much I cannot bear it any longer.

could _he_ be afraid for his inheritance? Maybe he doesn't share your view that your pride is more important than what looks like a massive amount of money in the future?

or maybe he is just sick of drama and it's easier for him to bear a few days of humiliation for the sake of peace? This family situation can't be easy for him either. Maybe he thinks that if you show a bit of patience and understanding for a few days then he wouldn't have to put up with abusive phonecalls from his parents for the whole year?

LegacyUser

Moomoo - contact with them is actually very infrequent, maybe 3 times per year. I suspect you are actually right about him just wanting a quiet time and not wanting to speak out as he knew it would be over soon. He is very non-confrontational and I think completely cowed by his mother. In reply to your other point, I have said all of what I have said on here to his face, and more.

Sybill - I didn't realise how bad it was until this Christmas. I have got on reasonably well with the parents in this past and even did a bit of work for them free of charge but lately they have been more and more unpleasant. They clearly don't like me. My fiance's main appeal is that he is a decent guy. But if you pi** off your girlfriend, and that girlfriend is maybe a bit higher in the league of physical attraction than you, intelligent, plenty of hobbies and interests, nice calm temperament, with no baggage, she's gonna start thinking what she's doing with the guy if he isn't treating her well. Any woman would, but perhaps a woman with more options will think it more. And sorry if some posters don't like hearing this, but its true.

Chucky The Tree - I can honestly say that the only money I tend to think about is my own, that I have made. I inherited nothing from my parents (other than the gift of a good upbringing) and my fiance has been told by his parents not to expect anything from them. I would never suck up to relatives in the hope of getting an inheritance from them, I am far too busy living my life.

I have spoken to my fiance about it and he admits he did nothing. He agrees that his parents don't like me and he thinks it is because we haven't produced any grandchildren for them, unlike his brother and sister. (we don't want children and he is sterilised!). I also think its because he's moved away from the home area and the mother doesn't like the loss of control. To me, as an outsider, its obvious that the younger brother is the favourite and the sister is only popular because she has now produced two grandchildren.

Its pretty horrible for me. Looking back, it seems more and more evident that they really dislike me. You kind of hope that most people you meet in life will like you (and hard though a few posters on here may find it to believe), I do think most people I meet do take a liking to me, wheras the parents seem to have only 2 friends and not speak to more than half their own families due to inheritance issues! Generally when you talk to them, they will tell you why they don't like various people because of those people's alleged faults (ie the aunt, their neighbours, their neighbours in France, people they knew from work who tried to keep in touch, etc). I think they dislike me because I'm intelligent, because I take care of my figure and am sporty, and all this, in their eyes, at the expense of producing grandchildren. Perhaps not the future a controlling mother sees for her darling son.

I won't be going anywhere near the parents again, that is one thing I can guarantee. Any rude emails will be totally ignored. If they can't be polite, they are not getting a response.

tk123

OP your situation is a lot like my parents! My mum was never "good enough" for my dad, saying she was after his money(what money lol) and his family always treated her like crap while he sat there looking on and did nothing. My mums family have manners - my dads family don't. My aunts (dad's sisters) would roar and shout at my grandmother (dad's mum) and we'd look on in shock - nobody in my mums family would ever speak like that to their mum! When we came along we were treated in the same way. We weren't considered their grandkids - the real grandkids were my aunts kids - at xmas there was presents under the tree for them from the grandparents - for us nothing! The "real grandkids" called my dad uncle and didn't call my mum anything - not auntie not even her name - she was referred to as "her". We were too little to really notice this about the grandkids blanking my mum and she didn't make an issue of it so as not to upset us! My mum comes from a big family and loves kids so they had no reason not to love her lol.
I think you need to look forward a few years- if you have kids together and they're being treated like this what are you/your oh going to do?

Stheno

tk123 wrote: »

I think you need to look forward a few years- if you have kids together and they're being treated like this what are you/your oh going to do?

Her OH is sterilised = no kids.

Op I still don't get any sense from you that you derive any real genuine enjoyment of the relationship with your fiance, you are with him cos he is a decent man? What about love, passion, shared interests, future plans/dreams/hopes?

If you can attract a new partner so easily why are you selling out so early?

curlzy

Hey everyone,

I really think the OP has got enough hassle. So she's not modest? There's very little point in being modest and sugar-coating things when you're on the internet. We can't see or meet her so she needs to tell us that she's hot,intelligent,nice and a good catch etc because we've no other way to know that. So please give her a break for being honest and telling it as she sees it. In fairness we wouldn't be able to see the full picture or advise her properly without all the info so instead of seeing it as bragging maybe respect her for being open and confident and forthright?

C.

up for anything

Bit Upset wrote: »

(admittedly my fiance is noted even amongst his friends for being quite badly behaved at times and me for being a saint to put up with him and I do occasionally speak sharply to him -but its not like bawling arguements in front of people and my actual behaviour, as in how I conduct myself, is really good). In other words, actions speak louder than words.

Bit Upset wrote: »

Spot on Curlzy. Thanks for seeing through the tone of my posts, which have come out that way because I'm so upset - and because I don't have anyone else to stick up for myself, other than myself, in that situation. Maybe I don't get it 100% perfect but I really think I was very restrained - but the more restrained I am, the worse they get!

I know my fiance is spineless, but we get on well together on a daily basis. Its pretty hard to find a man who doesn't have faults, but the question has to be answered by me as to whether this is something that is going to irk at me so much I cannot bear it any longer.

I don't think that you are restrained as much as you are a passive aggressive type character. Are you perhaps more scared by confrontation than you are well brought up and ladylike? I'm really not getting why you put up with all this shit from him and his parents. If you are such a confident, self-possessed person than you should have no trouble in standing up for yourself and taking control of these situations. Why don't you? Instead of enabling your fiancé and his family, dis-able them.

LegacyUser

up for anything wrote: »

I don't think that you are restrained as much as you are a passive aggressive type character. Are you perhaps more scared by confrontation than you are well brought up and ladylike? I'm really not getting why you put up with all this shit from him and his parents. If you are such a confident, self-possessed person than you should have no trouble in standing up for yourself and taking control of these situations. Why don't you? Instead of enabling your fiancé and his family, dis-able them.

Thats interesting you say that, because I would definately say I'm not passive-aggressive, but I can see how my normal reactions have been stifled into being passive here. They will try to make issues out of things between OH and me which are not at all issues, and pick and pick until they get a response from me which they find not to their liking. Whenever I have tried to make OH's parents aware they are being rude and are offending me, I have been rebuked, with the "not in my house" type remarks, and if I persist, with cutting remarks about my character and "the way I am". The two of them also start talking or shouting over you and firing rude questions at you which you cannot possibly reply to in any reasonable way and if you even slightly raise your voice so as to be heard, accuse you of raising your voice.

When I tried to talk sensibly and calmly with the mother about the issues that seem to cause them so much angst, she immediately started walking away from me, insulted me, was rude and callous about my mother's recent death and slammed the door in my face.

So basically it has become a situation where I am a guest in their house, they are rude to me and I am not allowed to answer back because that is considered being rude by me. They never visit my fiance in his own home, even before he met me, so any contact is always in their house. It has not been so bad as it was this Christmas all the time, but each time I see them they have been more rude. As I have mentioned before, the mantra in that family seems to be that you can behave as badly as you want, as long as you don't have any kind of confrontation about it.

I find myself unable to put up with this situation, hence my current feelings. My fiance clearly reacts by becoming very quiet and withdrawn - he simply clams up when his mother and father start and often walks off.

The alternative to holding it in while visiting them is to completely lose the rag, have a blazing row, tell them exactly what I think of them and storm out. And then of course they would be quite pleased because that would really give them something to criticise. My courtesy has now been exhausted, and quite frankly, I don't find them worthy of expending that much energy on. I also think the few things I did say to the mother were quite satisfactory in making my points.

Since half their own family already ignore them, at least being ignored by me in the future will be something they are accustomed to.

btw the stressing of how I am not a bad catch, etc was in response to the first post, where I rightly or wrongly thought it was being implied that a woman in her mid thirties had limited options.