Not happy!! I am whipped

LegacyUser

I've been in this relationship for just under 2 years now and as of the last while, I've noticed that I am whipped. I do everything she says! What can I do?

I haven't paid any attention up until the last few months because to be honest, we were still in a honeymoon period and I'd do things for her because I wanted to be nice. Now it's totally out of hand! She's accused me before of always wanting to be right but all I ever think of now is that it's not me who always wants to be right.

She tries to get away with murder! It's been happening for the longest of times. She uses emotional blackmail so well that no matter what I do, I always succumb to her wants.

I'm not a bad boyfriend either. I do little things for her, acts of kindness to surprise her. The amount of things she has done for me has decreased in the last few months, yet she always tells me she loves me and she wants to see us together forever with dreams of marriage, kids, etc. What's worse? I end up saying this back to her (big mistake as I no longer have these feelings because she's so emotionally demanding).

I'm on call for the whole day. She wants me? She sees me or else she is upset for the whole day.


I'm not even sure if I love her anymore (I know I'm partly to blame for letting things get out of hand!). I've lost great friendships, my friends are now people I pass every now and again on the street and have a quick chat. My family loves her and they are surprised when one day goes by without us being together.






Help me

booboo88

I feel for you I really do. But everyone wants to feel like their wanted.
Ithink she's just insecure about the relationship, you seem to want to see her less than she wants to see you, which can be hurtful for anyone.

I've been here, but it seems very one sided at the same time, she wants you at her beck and call and cutesy surprises but does nothing for you.

I've only recently worked on my boyfriend letting me pay for stuff.
He used to try and pay for everything, which is unfair, because its the lilltle things that you do for each other are what matters.
She seems to take more than she gives.
My advice is talk about taking a break for a whiel. As your friends are your most important thing in your life, dont ever let a girl get in the way of that

curlzy

Hey OP,

You need to give us more to go on than that. Wanting to talk to you every day isn't being demanding. I've always spoken to my OH every day since we've been together and most of the couples I know would too. Also it's your responsibility to keep in with your friends so unless she demands that you don't see them then it's totally your fault that you haven't seen them as you haven't made the effort. Maybe she IS emotionally demanding but if you haven't voiced any of your concerns it could be that she's wondering were your head is at and so it constantly looking for reasurrance. Have a good talk with her and lay out all your concerns, she's not a mind reader and it's unfair of you to not have open communication with someone you're in a relationship with, especially if she's hearing wedding bells and you're hearing the death knell.

Best of luck.

Monkey Allen

Help? Sure, dump her. Win your friends back. I would imagine the reason you havent dumped her yet is because you still partially believe that this might all be in your head or you're exaggerating.

LegacyUser

I was in this situation OP. I had to bite the bullet and get out. It's a form of bullying. A one-sided relationship is not healthy. A woman who expects you to be at her beck and call 24/7 is looking to dominate you not have a relationship with you. It's purely a control think. I know that what it was with me. If I fought back all hell would break lose. And sometime you will want to fight back.....thats when it gets very ugly.

Get out......bite the bullet. There's better out there.

Good luck.

Ickle Magoo

You are whipped not because of what your girlfriend does - but what you let her. Healthy relationships involve establishing boundaries for your partner to respect and your partner respecting them. If you make no boundaries and allow your girlfriend to use emotional blackmail by caving in when they use it then you facilitate that behaviour.

If they whinge and whine and demand and you bend over backwards to give them what they want then much like a self-absorbed toddler, you teach them that is the behaviour they should use to get what they want. You really do need to accept some responsibility here.

In short, you are whipped because you allow yourself to be. You have three choices, you can keep facilitating her behaviour by doing her bidding with little to no resistance then moaning about being whipped, you can sit her down and explain how unhappy you are and which behaviours you don't like and start establishing boundaries and ensure there are consequences when they are not respected - or you can end the relationship and either learn to establish boundaries with your next partner or cross your fingers they too won't take advantage of your lack of assertion.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone







@booboo88 - yep she's insecure alright. She's told me this herself before, and I can sense it sometimes!

@curlzy - ah yeah, it's not bad wanting to talk to me everyday. I know a few couples who are constantly in contact too. We're always texting if not together.

What I find a bit irritating is that she wants to see me everyday from early afternoon until late at night! I have voiced my concerns before that we can see each other a little too much and things were going okay for a while, but it's gone back to square one now.

@Monkey Allen - thanks for the advice pal :}

@assistant - I'm not sure about the dominance thing. I know that she's very happy in this relationship, she doesn't seek control over me (I think), she does love me and she's told me this plenty of times. When she's around me she's happy! (apologies if this sounds egotistical, it wasn't meant to be :S)

I guess I'm too timid!

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You are whipped not because of what your girlfriend does - but what you let her. Healthy relationships involve establishing boundaries for your partner to respect and your partner respecting them. If you make no boundaries and allow your girlfriend to use emotional blackmail by caving in when they use it then you facilitate that behaviour.

What can I do to establish boundaries so late in the relationship without sounding like a cruel b*stard?

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If they whinge and whine and demand and you bend over backwards to give them what they want then much like a self-absorbed toddler, you teach them that is the behaviour they should use to get what they want. You really do need to accept some responsibility here.

I accept responsibility for my actions too. I don't think that it's all her fault; it does take two to form a relationship. At the start, it was just kind gestures towards her but she took it the wrong way now and keeps expecting these kind gestures to continue.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

In short, you are whipped because you allow yourself to be. You have three choices, you can keep facilitating her behaviour by doing her bidding with little to no resistance then moaning about being whipped, you can sit her down and explain how unhappy you are and which behaviours you don't like and start establishing boundaries and ensure there are consequences when they are not respected - or you can end the relationship and either learn to establish boundaries with your next partner or cross your fingers they too won't take advantage of your lack of assertion.

Best of luck

Thanks Ickle. Do you have any advice for when to talk to her? I see her practically everyday, from early afternoon to about 9-10pm. I don't even know how to bring it up - we're in grand terms at the moment!

Ickle Magoo

op here. wrote: »

What can I do to establish boundaries so late in the relationship without sounding like a cruel b*stard?

Neither of you are children so cruelty doesn't come into it - that's just more of the backing down to princess syndrome talk. Establishing boundaries mean you feel happier in the relationship ergo the relationship lasts longer. It's not about being the bad guy, it's about having enough respect for yourself to foster a healthy relationship.

op here. wrote: »

I accept responsibility for my actions too. I don't think that it's all her fault; it does take two to form a relationship. At the start, it was just kind gestures towards her but she took it the wrong way now and keeps expecting these kind gestures to continue.

I'm not sure what that means - why would kind gestures cease once you are in a relationship? If you were a certain way that made her attracted to you and that wasn't you or you couldn't sustain then it's little wonder it's now causing issues. What do you mean by took the wrong way?

op here. wrote: »

Thanks Ickle. Do you have any advice for when to talk to her? I see her practically everyday, from early afternoon to about 9-10pm. I don't even know how to bring it up - we're in grand terms at the moment!

You have a choice - you can either sit her down and have a frank and honest discussion and lay your cards on the table about how you feel and why and ask her to do likewise and go from there or you can do it as you go along. Nip whatever behaviour is annoying you in the bud as soon as it starts by letting her know it's annoying you and giving her the opportunity to change that behaviour.

squishykins

I can completely empathise, because I used to be the one doing the whipping. And what I can tell you is, until he actually confronted me about it, I didn't realise. I was very insecure, didn't want him seeing his best friend cuz she was a girl and v.pretty, went mad if he didn't text back within 15 mins, if he was late when we were supposed to meet up, told me he couldn't come this weekend etc. I was a total bitch basically But he finally got the guts to say it, I refused to admit it at first, but he was completely right. I love him to bits so I started thinking about what I was saying/doing, and I also started hanging out with his friends more to get to know them, lovely people I think it was a lack of trust from previous relationships too, I didn't trust him totally from instinct. But sure, if you have nothing to work on in a relationship, I'd be more worried about that then the occasional argument and chat about what's bothering you