Need help with a strange family question

LegacyUser

I have a slightly complex issue.

Ever since I can remember, I was raised in the knowledge that "Dan" was my dad. When "Dan" and my mum separated 15 years ago, I asked my mum who was my real father. (Myself and "Dan" had had a troubled relationship and the neighbours had dropped hints all my life)
My mum told me "Joe" was my real father which was a bit of a whirlwind for me. Herself and "Joe" had dated for about a year, but she dumped him, when he visited me in hospital just after being born, for, in her words, " he was too good for me".
So, when I found out, I went searching for him. And to cut a long story short, I found him. It was awesome, just hanging out with "Joe.

I met him twice. We had a load in common and he told me I had 3 half brothers. One set of twins 13 years younger than me and one younger by two years. I was very excited about this.

Then, one night after I broke up with a girlfriend, I was quite distraught, and rang my "Joe". That same night (I sh*t you not), his wife had given him an ultimatum, me (who she didn't know about before I forced his hand) or her and their three sons. He was in tears down the phone, trying to explain this to me, while I was in tears trying to deal with my crap. Needless to say, he chose them.

(In the perspective of the question I'm gonna ask) 6 years later, I was working as a waiter in a bar/restaurant. "Joe" walked in with his wife, and I had to serve him and her. He didn't acknowledge me at all. In between taking his order, and serving him, and all else, I was a wreck.

And that was the last I heard of him. But recently, (wanting to know about my family and all) I looked him up on google. And it returned nothing, But then I remembered about the twins and checked them up, and found they were on twitter.

I'm now stumped. I don't know what to do. I'd love to get to know my brothers, but don't want to do it behind my dads back (They're only 16), and he has made it well known (to me) that he can't/won't have anything to do with me, I'd love to know what you think.

As much as you want to get to know this family, you have to remember that you may be disrupting theirs. They've gone through 16 years of their lives not knowing you and now they'll discover that they have a half-brother they never knew about. How would this impact them, especially so young?

Your father is in an awful position and, while his wife is being a bit over the top about it, you have to respect that your making contact may make things exceedingly tough for him - she gave him an ultimatum that if it was you or them. Say if she keeps to that and your trying to be a part of their lives causes their family to split, then could you live with that?

It might be a good idea to not try to make contact like that behind their back, especially knowing that your father can't/won't have contact with you. Maybe wait a while and maybe the mother would have changed her mind?

dollyk

I really feel it for you, but there is nothing you can do to make this ok. I dont think you should feel that your father choose them over you though,
It seems that he was not given much of a choice himself.
Maybe somewhere down the road his wife will realise that he needs you in his life too,
Until then its probably better to stay away and not get in touch.
I wish you well on this one ..

tenchi-fan

Tricky situation.

These people aren't your family. You're 29 after all and at that age a lot of people begin to realise it's not all about a "blood" connection. The ones who don't obsess over what they missed out on in childhood or even worse, adult children who continue old arguments from childhood.

Your dad, as much as you said it was "awesome" hanging out with him, seems like a complete ****ing waste of space. He visited you once in hospital, never provided for you, disowned you (to be with his "new" family) and then completely snubbed you when you were serving him dinner.

If I were you, I'd make contact with your dad and tell him you would like to be introduced to your brothers. If he refuses, at least you have an avenue to contact them if you really need to.

I think you should talk to a professional before you do anything. You obviously have some issues and you will probably need some help coping.

Fittle

With respect OP, I second what the above poster has said. Your dad is a waste of space. He visited you once in hospital 29yrs ago, and then chose his other family over you. I'm not saying he should have abandoned them for you - but he at least could have discussed it further with his wife, told his kids etc etc - there are many other things he could have done, other than 'choose' them over you.

I believe you are entitled to get your know your half-brothers though - so I would do what has already been suggested and contact him, saying you would like to contact them - whether it be through him, or by contacting them yourself. I'd also give him a timeframe for this - that way, he can't leave it hanging for you. For example 'Hi X, I'd like to make contact with my twin brothers within the next 3 months. Ideally, I'd like you to make the introduction, but if that's not possible, I'll introduce myself to them...' or something similar.

Honestly OP, it's a pretty sad situation for you and my heart goes out to you (I have an 8yr old who has never met his dad either), so I don't say any of the above with malice. But if you could just accept this situation, and take control of it for your own sake, things might work out. You have to be aware though, and acknowledge, that they may not. Best of luck Op.

booboo88

the wife is a bit of a cow, in all fairness, your were concieved before she was on the scene?

overmantle

This is a tricky one. Any chance that, with discretion assured, you could get to see your biological Dad again? His wife doesn't need to know. I wouldn't go contacting your half brothers until they are adults.

AvaKinder

Would you consider maybe writing a letter to your fathers wife? Explain that you know she doesn't want you in their lives, bt that you're an adult now and don't wish to disrupt anything but that you'd like the chance to get to know your brothers. By contacting her directly she may feel more obliging .

LegacyUser

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Your dad, as much as you said it was "awesome" hanging out with him, seems like a complete ****ing waste of space. He visited you once in hospital, never provided for you,

Fittle wrote: »

With respect OP, I second what the above poster has said. Your dad is a waste of space. He visited you once in hospital 29yrs ago, and then chose his other family over you.

OP here again. Just want to reiterate a point. My dad visited me once in hospital, where my mother dumped him. He had no choice. Up until the age of two (when my mother engaged and later married someone else) he tried to be in my life. I know he's been a sh^thead after that, but I do believe his intentions were honourable, just that my mother was in a very strange headspace at the time.

But I made a decision. I'm going to wait two years 'til my brothers turn 18, then get in contact with him. I'll explain how I just want to meet them, and will, regardless of what he says. At that stage they'll be old enough to deal with it (and thinking about it, it's kinda great that they're twins, so they have someone to talk about it with.)

Thanks all.