When does it all begin to start?

LegacyUser

So possibly following on from the barrage of Christmas family questions of "when are you getting married / buying a house / having kids?" I am starting to sit down and think about my life and what I want.

I am 28, have a good secure job, pays well, and renting a 2 bed apartment which I live in alone. I have a great boyfriend, and things are generally good.

I am torn between two different types of life paths that I can see - one is the dream of still wanting to travel the world, live abroad for a while, do all the crazy things I want to do while I still can... I guess in that life I am quite selfish, and don't see kids in the equation, almost a feeling of "live your life before you settle down with 2.4 kids and a mortgage". The other path, which makes me all warm and fuzzy is the lovely house, the garden, the football team of kids, the pregnant belly, the school runs...

My boyfriend, who is a little younger, isn't what I call the "settling down" type - I am not even sure if he wants to get married or have kids... or at least we haven't talked about it seriously. But I guess I am getting a little freaked out about timing - I want to have 3 or 4 kids, a big family that I never got. But I am conflicted thinking "well in that case, I really should be starting to have them NOW as I don't want to be 45 and still trying to concieve" and I am getting stressed thinking about all the things in my life that I have, how I continue my life, and when I actually start taking action on the two paths mentioned above.

I guess I would like to know has anybody else reached a crossroads in their life such as this, and how they went forward? I don't have too many "couple" friends, and really would be interested to guage what age you guys are starting your familys, and how you handle everything, and how you have come to decide the choices you have made.

Any thoughts?

Thanks in advance!

johnboysligo

Hello OP.
Live your life as you see fit. If you are serious about "live your life before you settle down with 2.4 kids and a mortgage" than do that and don't let your parents / siblings phase you. If you are the sort of person that just grins at these stupid, silly, petty, awkward, insensitive, boorish questions without putting your foot down than you will get these same questions every family gathering from now until the world ends. //rant

Maybe you and your boyfriend could have a chat about what you want to achieve in the next year, two years, five years, decade. With the new year coming soon its an ideal time to ask some simple "test" questions to your boyfriend. Word the questions carefully, tell him the same things you have told us (about your family asking marrige/kids/house questions) because at the end of the day he either wants to live a similar life with similar long and short term goals as you or he doesn't.

Who exactly are you being selfish to? Your family wants you to change/rethink your lifestyle. Sounds like they are selfish tbh. Read up on female fertility if your afraid you might miss your chance at 3-4 kids.

John400

OP, the previous poster is correct.

Just live your life as you see fit and do what you want to do, bugger what other people think. Life's too short.

It's the same for a hell of a lot of people around this time of year....

If you're single..it's 'why haven't you got a partner?'
If you have a partner...it's 'why aren't you married?'
If you are married...it's 'why haven't you got kids yet?'

Some people always want to put other people in a box because they've quite frankly nothing else to do!

If you're in any position above or otherwise, somebody will always have a problem with it because whingers exist. You can't win.

LegacyUser

Op, I am also a 28 yr old girl.

With all due respect to the 2 previous posters, women have to/naturally start thinking about these things a lot more than men. Men don't have that infamous "clock" ticking away inside, the thought at the back of their heads at a certain point in life.It's easy for a man to say "do what you like."

Firstly, I agree that I wouldn't make my decisions based on what my family want. Immediately you, say, get engaged, it'll be "when's the wedding".Then "when's the first child".Then "when are you giving them a brother or sister". Absolute merry-go-round.So try not to worry about what people are saying to you, but see if you can make these decisions yourself.

I am also at the same point in life as you - however I do have a house and mortgage right now.Firstly I'd say don't worry too much about the mortgage thing for the moment.It's not the best time in the world to buy houses right now. I won't debate the economics of it, but hanging on a while wouldn't be a disaster.

Marriage - have you discussed this with your OH??Any of it? Because you probably should.I genuinely am not trying to insult every man out there, but some men need a bit of a nudge. Some guys would just happily continue along as they are until they turned about 50 and then decide that it might be a good time to produce a ring!If you think you would like marriage in your future, you should broach it with your OH, probably in the manner suggested by one of the previous posters. As for the children thing - look, the way I see it, it's my body and it's my life too. I don't want to be putting myself and a potential child at risk by trying to conceive my first child aged 40.It is just not safe, not matter how many medical advances there are.I'm not saying it's not doable - just that the risks are far higher.Secondly, you're older, and honestly, you've a lot less energy than you did when you were a bit younger to be running around after a small child.Thirdly you'll be approaching retirement age by the time they hit college, particularly if you've more than one.

On the other hand, you're perfectly entitled to travel and live life for a few years. In answer to the question that is your thread title, OP, it all starts when you start it (if that makes sense).I'm not going to tell you to chose one or the other, but I will say that you probably do need to think a bit about what you want from life. I am the eldest of 4, and from the first months through my whole life, my parents travelled all over the world with us in tow. I'm not saying you'd be able to go spend 3 months in Thailand with a newborn or anything, but nor do you become chained to your own house.

Life is what you make of it OP. If you see having kids as setting up massive barriers that won't allow you to do a single thing you want to, then that's how it'll be.If you see it as being a bit more of a challenge, and possibly curtailing you a bit, but still able to bring them along and let them participate...then that's what it'll be too.There is no "right" answer in this.

From my point of view, yes I would hope to get married in the next year or so (depending on himself!!!), and I would hope that I would have child number 1 by my early 30s, and maybe the last child by 36 ish.I know everything doesn't always work out as planned, but in an ideal world, that's my vague plan.Hasn't stopped me being abroad 5 times this year, going skiing every year (future kids will come too!!!), and planning to visit South America in the near future, among other places.My friends would be similar - many are getting married in the next 2 years are so (but there are also a few who aren't), and life is still going on for them too.

Like I said, I'm not going to point you in one direction or another - this is just an opinion from someone who is also at this point in life.

LegacyUser

Personally I think you could still do both. But if you really want to travel or live abroad for a while then the only person who is going to get that ball rolling is you. As you said, you do have your biologically clock to think about, so if you want to pursue this lifestyle for a while then now is really the time to do it. Maybe save up some money to do a few months of fun travelling or start applying for jobs abroad you'd be interested in?

As for your boyfriend, you might need to have a serious talk if you're planning on moving away. But depending on how serious your relationship is and his circumstances, he might even be willing to go travelling or move abroad with you.

Once you have that out of your system then you could still settle down and have the marriage and 2.5 kids etc.

Whatever you decide though, let it be your decision and not influenced by the expectations of your family.

FYI I'm a 25yo girl, saving to do some travelling within the next year before I settle down with a proper career, marriage, kids etc. I have a long-term boyfriend who is slightly older and would prefer if our relationship was moving at a faster pace, but is also supportive that I just need to get the travel bug out of my system first!