I want it out in the open

LegacyUser

I don't know what I'm looking for here, all I do know is I'm very frustrated by my current situation. Myself and my ex got married a couple of years ago, after a very long stint together. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do as there are children involved. I told him it was over last year, and we were stuck living together for a while, which I'm sure gave him false hope that we would be a couple again. He is now living in his parents home, and reluctantly gives me some time to myself by minding our children in their home. But he drinks while he does and winds up calling and texting me abusively each time without fail.

He is in a very bad way about it, still comes on to me frequently and gets angry when I don't reciprocate. I hate it, and I'm so frustrated that he just won't stop and accept that the marraige is over. He has had some couselling sessions, which seem to help him momentarily, then we're back to square one. When he doesn't get his own way with me he accuses me of seeing other guys. The problem is, I wasn't in the beginning, but I have met someone very special recently. I adore him, but I've had to hide this from my ex because he regularly says he will do away with himself if I met someone else.

I want to move on, but I can't with him not accepting its over. Hes currently using the kids as tool to keep me stuck at home, and money to make sure I would never have enough to even get out for a few drinks. I'm so stressed out with the situation, I just want to be free

What to do? If I tell him there will be murder, but I don't want to leave my current partner in the background, it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by keeping him to the way-side.

Would would everyone else do, is my question I suppose?

LegacyUser

Separate. Legally. Ring up the marriage mediation service which is free and get onto their list. Or go for a solicitor through free legal aid. Both of these methods are free but slow - just because they are free. But start them anyway.

Even so, you both need to sort out arrangements and decisions about income and children. Then he'll realise that it is really over and you'll have some sort of structure to work around.

I'd still be careful with your new partner though. Your husband might feel you were rubbing it in his face and get awkward about sorting things out.

You really won't be free until everything is legal and all sorted out.

Distorted

So_Stressed wrote: »

What to do? If I tell him there will be murder, but I don't want to leave my current partner in the background, it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong by keeping him to the way-side.

Would would everyone else do, is my question I suppose?

See a solicitor and get a seperation agreement drawn up while you work out the divorce settlement.

Do you work? If not, start lining up possibilities for doing so, or retraining.

LegacyUser

Hi again, and thank you both for answering. I've already applied for legal aid, and have been told that I'm eligable. They said that they will be in touch with me when they are able to get me onto the list, as you were saying there are a lot of people waiting because it is free. I'm sick of waiting I suppose, I just want to move on but dont want to hurt my ex in the process. He is still very broken up about it, and doesn't really believe its happening. He thinks I'll eventually come back to him. I've found myself in disagreements with him shouting to just get over it, and gets desperate then and begs. I let him stay over for the sake of the kids sometimes (obvs not in my bed), Is this making things worse?

I'm just finding it very hard to keep everyone happy, and Im keeping my new guy pushed to the side-line over it all. At what point do I bring him into the picture? I feel like Im doing something wrong just because I've found love again, hes like this guilty little secret I have. I do love him though. Because this is all still in the throes of things legally, can my ex turn around and say that I've been having an extra marital affair, even though we've been living apart?

This whole thing is cracking me up

ABajaninCork

It must be very difficult for you, but I would strongly suggest you don't let your husband find out about your new partner until the wheels are in motion. It'll just make things a whole lot worse, especially as he does not appear to be handling the break-up very well. Having said that, I don't think he'll 'do away with himself', but the capacity to make things very unpleasant is there.

Have you discussed the situation with your new partner? I'm sure if you told him the whole story, he'll understand the need for caution.

Just keep things very calm and polite when dealing with your husband. Continue to let him have all the access he wants with your kids, and try to keep a cool head. Don't let him stay over any more either.

Good luck!

curlzy

Oh wow OP, what a horrific situation you are in!!!! That sounds so claustrophobic! Your ex is totally manipulating you, with finance, the kids and guilt, what a scummer!!!! You need to realize that you're not in the wrong here, you tried and it didn't work, you don't owe him anything and he's behaving like a pathetic bully. The only thing you can do is cut him out of your life and draw some boundaries. Don't let him stay over, don't discuss feelings etc, just keep it all business like. Get a divorce, does he have a good relationship with the kids? If so I think that will work in your favour, any solicitor worth his salt will advise your ex to have the kids regularly because the power is all in your hands in this country regards access and he'll need to have a good record of equal responsibility for the kids. So hopefully once you get the ball rolling with regards the divorce his solicitor will have him take the kids alot more, that will give you a wee bit of freedom. I know you say you can't let him know about your new guy but how would you feel if the situations were reversed and your new beau was hiding you from his ex??? Not fair on you and not far on the new guy. I think you should tell your ex, it'll help him cop on that this is over, maybe give his parents a heads up so they'll be ready to help him. You deserve to be happy and I'm worried that you'll loose this new guy if you insist on keeping him hidden, I know you wouldn't see me for dust if a guy had to keep me hidden.

The very very very best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

ABajaninCork wrote: »

It must be very difficult for you, but I would strongly suggest you don't let your husband find out about your new partner until the wheels are in motion. It'll just make things a whole lot worse, especially as he does not appear to be handling the break-up very well. Having said that, I don't think he'll 'do away with himself', but the capacity to make things very unpleasant is there.

Have you discussed the situation with your new partner? I'm sure if you told him the whole story, he'll understand the need for caution.

Just keep things very calm and polite when dealing with your husband. Continue to let him have all the access he wants with your kids, and try to keep a cool head. Don't let him stay over any more either.

Good luck!

Thanks for your reply firstly. I have discussed the situation with my partner, hes very patient and is very understanding. The problems is, we want to spend more time together and my ex is making sure that I have little or no time to myself to 'meet anyone new', by leaving the kids with me all the time. He already suspects I might be seeing someone else, as he had seen text messages on my phone (silly to leave them there, I know) while we were still living together (not as a couple). So he's trying to make sure I've no free time. He goes off to the pub whenever he sees fit, while Im left with the children all the time, and having to beg for some time to myself.

Theres a part of me that thinks that maybe its all too much for the new guy, because all I can see is a disaster behind me and I'm afraid it feels to him I'm pushing him away by not bringing him into my home. He says he loves me, and we do crave to see each other, so maybe I'm worrying too much on that front. I actually feel like I'm spinning several different plates in the air, and I'm fit to drop them all at this rate. It's so hard trying to keep my kids happy with the arrangement with their father living in his parents place, taking abuse from him regularly by verbally and physically, have a relationship with my new guy who has seen bruises on me and felt responsible for it (I made sure that he knew that my ex was always like that, and it wasn't his fault). I refuse to take his physical-bullying ways anymore, I'd years of it, and a couple of weeks ago I had him removed from the house by the gardai to show him I will no longer stand for it. Thankfully the kids slept through the whole thing.

I do feel like I will explode with all that I have to contend with though

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Oh wow OP, what a horrific situation you are in!!!! That sounds so claustrophobic! Your ex is totally manipulating you, with finance, the kids and guilt, what a scummer!!!! You need to realize that you're not in the wrong here, you tried and it didn't work, you don't owe him anything and he's behaving like a pathetic bully. The only thing you can do is cut him out of your life and draw some boundaries. Don't let him stay over, don't discuss feelings etc, just keep it all business like. Get a divorce, does he have a good relationship with the kids? If so I think that will work in your favour, any solicitor worth his salt will advise your ex to have the kids regularly because the power is all in your hands in this country regards access and he'll need to have a good record of equal responsibility for the kids. So hopefully once you get the ball rolling with regards the divorce his solicitor will have him take the kids alot more, that will give you a wee bit of freedom. I know you say you can't let him know about your new guy but how would you feel if the situations were reversed and your new beau was hiding you from his ex??? Not fair on you and not far on the new guy. I think you should tell your ex, it'll help him cop on that this is over, maybe give his parents a heads up so they'll be ready to help him. You deserve to be happy and I'm worried that you'll loose this new guy if you insist on keeping him hidden, I know you wouldn't see me for dust if a guy had to keep me hidden.

The very very very best of luck OP.

Thanks for your reply to Curlzy. I know you and ABanjanincork are right about him staying over in the house. I think the reason why I have allowed it the odd night is basically out of me guilt-tripping myself into thinking that it would help the transition from having only one parent in the home. Does that make sense? I do have the childrens best interests as my top priority in all this, my ex knows this about me and that I'm worried sick about them. Hes using that fact to try be in the house more 'the kids need their father around', during which time he will spend his time in the house basically following me around, going back and forth between trying it on, then bullying me when he doesn't get his way. "you don't want me because theres someone else, isnt there" and he can be very scary and in my face at this stage. Because he wont get over the marraige he has a way of making me feel like my current relationship is merely an extra-marital affair, and that I still belong to him. He takes great joy out of telling me 'your still my wife', simply because I dont have a piece of paper saying Im free of him yet.

It's such a messy situation, but I think my partner is well worth the battle. Hes a kind-hearted funny guy, just what I've always needed and wanted in a man. I really don't think there will every be anyone quite like him again, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him

ABajaninCork

I didn't realise there was violence involved...

I know you're thinking of your kids, but really the time's come to think of yourself AS WELL as your kids. Like I said earlier, don't tell him of your new relationship yet until you get the separation in motion. Yes, it's none of his business, but try to keep everything 'above board' if you see what I mean. Be seen to be doing the right thing. It'll soon become obvious who's being unreasonable...

Is there any way you can get an order forbidding him to come into the home? Keep the abusive texts as evidence, as distressing as that seems. Get that and make arrangements for him to pick the kids up outside your home. If possible, get someone to stand with you while you hand over/collect kids -NOT YOUR NEW PARTNER!! He won't try anything whilst there's a bunch of witnesses. It'll also drive home the point that the marriage is OVER. No going back. If he tries to force his way in, call the Gards and have him removed. No messing! It's not nice that the kids see Mummy being treated horribly by Daddy, and will affect them. Good for you that they haven't seen his crap so far.

Your new guy sounds great, and is very understanding. I wish you continued strength and luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for your advice. I really needed to hear back that I have been doing the right thing, and my priorities were right. Seeing the children coming out of all this un-scathed is the most important thing to me. I guess I've been letting myself suffer to suit everyone else around me, even physically - to try ease the transition for the kids.


Once again, thank you for your help

LegacyUser

OP, please don't rush things with your new man until things have been sorted out and have settled down. I mean, don't bring him into your home. Give the kids a chance to have some stability first before bringing another person into their space. It's also a good idea to keep him out of the family until the separation agreement is finalised. However angry your husband is now, he'll be ten times worse if there is another man in his place and with his kids, and your chance of a making a good agreement with him will be less likely.

Is there any chance of you having a talk with your in-laws about arrangements for the children? Find out what they think about having the children there, and about their minding them? Maybe they'd love to have them regularly and have them part of the family there. Maybe they are very conscious of how their father is when they're there and want to mind the children themselves. Then you could make a regular arrangement with them and be happier about it all. (Of course, they may not be happy about it at all, and you're back to working from scratch...)

curlzy

So_Stressed wrote: »

Thanks for your reply to Curlzy. I know you and ABanjanincork are right about him staying over in the house. I think the reason why I have allowed it the odd night is basically out of me guilt-tripping myself into thinking that it would help the transition from having only one parent in the home. Does that make sense? I do have the childrens best interests as my top priority in all this, my ex knows this about me and that I'm worried sick about them. Hes using that fact to try be in the house more 'the kids need their father around', during which time he will spend his time in the house basically following me around, going back and forth between trying it on, then bullying me when he doesn't get his way. "you don't want me because theres someone else, isnt there" and he can be very scary and in my face at this stage. Because he wont get over the marraige he has a way of making me feel like my current relationship is merely an extra-marital affair, and that I still belong to him. He takes great joy out of telling me 'your still my wife', simply because I dont have a piece of paper saying Im free of him yet.

It's such a messy situation, but I think my partner is well worth the battle. Hes a kind-hearted funny guy, just what I've always needed and wanted in a man. I really don't think there will every be anyone quite like him again, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him

Honestly OP, that post has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up and my fists clenched. First of all you NEVER belong to anyone else, married or not, you are not a slave. He doesn't own you. I get that you're worried for your kids but look at it like this; what are you teaching them by behaving like his slave? You're teaching daughters to accept **** from men and you're teaching sons to bully women. Not good. So do yourself and your new beau and your kids a favour and start getting strong. You need to get into your head that you have every RIGHT to go out and have a new BF.

Jesus this is just making me so angry I'm almost singing "I am woman, hear me roar":o. I just can't find a way to get accross how strongly I feel that you are being completely bullied by this man. How ****ing dare him scare you?!?!?! Like WTF!!! Next time he gets in your face call the gards. In fact don't let it get to that. Make the rule and please please please stick to it: He's not coming into your house anymore and you won't see him without the kids present. The only tie you should have to him now is the kids so make it that way.

Your OH sounds very understanding so please don't loose him. Get it into your head woman that you're going to reassert yourself!!! You're a person in your own right and you deserve your freedom so go to a solicitor and get it!!!! You don't need to have a showdown with your OH, you just need to realize you have the power here, not him, yeah he has money but you're the mother of kids in Ireland, that's alot of power. I know you wouldn't mess with the kids relationship with their dad, I can honestly see what a good mother you are from your posts so I don't need to go there. But they can have a relationship with him without you being more involved than picking them up and collecting them.

Please OP, I know this is hard but you have to get strong, for you, for your kids and for the new guy. Don't be afraid to get help from friends and family, I'm sure they'll help with some babysitting? Gosh OP I'm just really feeling it for you, to live under that kind of stress must be torture. To feel that someone has that much power over you, well.... let's just say I feel very strongly that it's very wrong. As a side note maybe go see a councellor or support group, a bit of emotional support could make this easier. You'll be in my thoughts op.

Best of luck to you and yours.

overmantle

Hi OP. You are clearly in a difficult situation but having said that, we haven't heard thing from the perspectives of your husband or your children, only yours. Not knowing all the details and only hearing your version of events, I tend to agree with the poster who, from the point of your children, I would not rush into bringing your new partner into their lives.

I don't want to be a kill joy but it's possible that your new partner and yourself are enjoying the honeymoon period but that may very well be all it is, a honeymoon. Living in a day to day situation, coping with day to day challenges, is the real test. Your new partner may be somebody for whom you've developed a fascination but that doesn't mean that in reality, it would stand the test of time. What I'm saying is that you must be careful not to glamorise this new relationship into something it may not be in reality.