Thinking of going to see a prostitute/I think I hate women/I'm sure I'm a bad person

LegacyUser

I've been mulling this over for ages now. Basically I'm a 22 year old virgin with little prospect of losing his virginity any time soon. I'm obese (c. 18 stone), physically impaired (Which causes my obesity as I am unable to do any exercise whatsoever) I'm quite tall and I've been told that I carry my weight pretty well. Regardless of this, I'm incredibly self conscious because I have very recognisible man boobs which have plagued me since childhood. I went to an all boys school and looking back now some of the humiliation I went through (Changing rooms etc.) was unbearable and have left permanant scars.

I also am convinced that I am now in fact a misoygnist. And probably a misanthrope. In general I think I hate humanity but women in particular. On numerous occasions I have been out with friends were drunk girls would flirt with me but in reality they were having a laugh with their friends, playing the 'elephant game'. (Some of you may know what this is all about - generally it means a group of lads/women making a pact to get off with the most ugly/fat person in the pub/niteclub. Very few actually go throw with it. Thats the really humiliating aspect) As a result I can only get an erection now when I'm imagining being the victim of sexual humiliation at the hands of a dominamatrix. I looked it up, apparantly I am now a sexual deviant. Frankly I blame women in general for that. Despite their protestations, women are (mostly) without exception bitchy, self destructive, vain, selfish and cruel. (I've had more than one attractive 'friend who happens to be a girl' sobbing on my shoulder because some man screwed them over. Is it just me or do all women intentionally choose utter bastards who screw them over?)

I have dreams of a perfect marriage with a perfect wife, someone I can love, help, befriend, take to the movies, meet my parents, raise a child, go on holidays with, all that stuff. But recently all I can see in women is a rare cruelty which makes me despise them.

The kind of porn I now jack off too is pretty grim. Mostly it involves women humiliating and dominating men (Insulting them whilst anally penetrating them with a strapon. I consider this to be the ultimate humiliation for a man at the hands of a woman) I simply cannot masturbate over 'straight forward sex' anymore. And in case you're wondering, I derive no pleasure in the thought of inflicting pain on another person. I see myself as a small woodland animal, cute and fragile, constantly being attacked by larger predators. For me the tittilation is the thought that I'm being completely submissive to those who would harm me for cruel and malovelent ways.

So this is the deal. I now know of a lady who specialises in this kind of thing. She loves her job and she isn't in any way 'pimped out', trafficked, forced, any of it. She just loves humiliating men. She charges quite a price. I'm willing to pay it. I don't know whether I should indulge in this strange fantasy or persist in my present muddling course, where every day my resentment against the world grows. I do believe I will come to terms with my disturbed thoughts if I indulge; but I also worry of becoming addicted to this and that any chance of a normal family life will be ever further away from my grasp. I only ever want to be a good person but the world keeps messing with my head getting women to take the utter piss with me, mocking and humiliating me in public for their own sick and cruel purposes. Any suggestions welcome.

I should warn you I'm pretty drunk and upset as I write this.

Wonderwall

Well, maybe you derive pleasure from humiliating acts because you have little self-confidence and you're merely feeding into what you perceive as true. You're fulfilling the prophecy. Do not do that.

Why not be more positive?

Constantly berating women and blaming them is not going to make you happier, is it? Be confident, be unique, get out more etc. Who cares what other people think?

If you wish to slim then there are a myriad of ways to do so (not just exercise which you've ruled out!). If that will help you with your confidence then do it, but seriously, I implore you not to get caught in some cycle of hate. Be positive, make the change. Do you think Dr. Phil or Oprah is going to fly through your roof and push you into making the change?? You have to do it yourself man!!

Good luck!

johnboysligo

altering your diet to suit your level of exercise is an ideal way to lose some weight.
Talk we your GP and have him/her refer you to a dietitian who can help you lose some weight.


going to a prostitute could easily come back to haunt you for various reasons i.e. sexually transmitted diseases and or social / work problems that may rear end you * at some point in the future.


*no pun intended

Nevyn

I think you have issue which you should go see a professional to help work through.
Many people are into kinky sex and D/s realtionships which a healthy and good for them,
but you need to sort out your underlying issues and unrealisitc expectations.

Taltos

Thaedydal wrote: »

I think you have issue which you should go see a professional to help work through.
Many people are into kinky sex and D/s realtionships which a healthy and good for them,
but you need to sort out your underlying issues and unrealisitc expectations.

+1 to this op.
In reading your post I saw a lot of blame being levelled and little if any responsibility being taken by you.
Being bullied
Having a disability
Blaming women

I really believe you need to talk to a professional about how you feel and work through the why. I also think in the meantime you need to give porn a holiday, if you are craving more extreme turn ons then leave it a while.
FYI - the behaviour you described - there is nothing wrong or degrading in that, provided no one is hurt and pleasure is received by consenting adultn
I have a suspicion that if you go through with your plan you will hate yourself more and will just blame someone even more...

Seek help, you are not worthless. You just think you are, but you're not...

Walls

OP have you asked yourself, what it is you want when you posted this? What you want is a way where somehow, in a way you can't see, you become happy. Right now you don't know how to do that. All the major goals you can see and desire for yourself seem impossible to achieve, and you're left with the deep sense of frustration, and with anger that turns both at yourself, and at what you see the cause of your self-loathing, women. You want to be fragile and caring, but you don't feel you are being allowed to.

So, there is a plan, one formulated by you in your darkest need. You will allow your desire to express itself, but in a way that will not change anything about yourself, those around you or how you view your life. Instead, you're going to go into a room and spend money to be hurt again. For what it is worth, there is the fantasy, and there is the reality. Usually, the reality differs from the fantasy.

There is another option, as you can imagine. You can take the money you're planning to use and spend it on yourself in another way. You want to change yourself, at least that's what I'm seeing. You want to be someone that copes with the challenges of life, then do it. I don't care how, though most people would say counselling is the way. Counselling for many takes the mystery out of a person's feelings and gives them tools on how to cope with life. What you have, though, is a sense of not being what you want to be, and not being sure how to get it. Going further into those feelings won't make a change for you, but instead will lead you away from the stated goal of a long term relationship where you are a husband and father, free to give and get love.

You're going to have a long life. You're going to have lots of moments that see you challenged, confused, where your will and your character will be tested and tested again. How you respond in these moments will decide how your life pans out. Decisions made on the spur of the moment can have repercussions that last for the rest of your life. What I can tell you is that being brave, taking the hard work option, is almost always the better option.

No one can live your life for you but you. You decide you, you decide where you go from here. I wish you the very best of luck.

LegacyUser

depravedindividual wrote: »

Regardless of this, I'm incredibly self conscious because I have very recognisible man boobs which have plagued me since childhood. I went to an all boys school and looking back now some of the humiliation I went through (Changing rooms etc.) was unbearable and have left permanant scars.

Talk to your GP and he can arrange for you to meet a plastic surgeon who specialises in gynecomastia (man boobs), and the HSE will pay for it. My GP did this. I met the plastic surgeon and he told me that I'll have to get down to 100kg, from 117kg. I'm half way there and when I get down to 100kg he'll put me down for gynecomastic surgery.

You can take positive action to improve your situation.

kjl

No offence there OP, but these are your issues, not womankind's. Go and see your prostatue, but know that it will only give you temporary satisfaction, it will not resolve your problems. Personally I find it hard to belive that someone who can walk around a nightclub has any issues with being unable to work out, plus a lot of weight loss comes down to eating properly and not drinking. This disability you have awarded yourself is just an excuse for not trying.

Maybe you are not like this in real life, but you sound like a horrible person from this post and this is the reason you do not attract people. Stop blaming your weight, looks are not everything, I know plenty of people who are overweight who are in very happy relationships. You have issues, and until you sort them out you are doomed to live in the life you have made for yourself.

CorkMan

OP I saw a prostitute for the first time when I was 19, I was a virgin. I was also 18.5 stone the previous year (at 5'11) and got down to 14 stone. It was alright, nothing what it is made out to be.

I got down to an all time low of 13.5 stone, and I started to look skinny. I gained all the weight since I moved home and eated properly. I am around 19.5-20 stone now. The thing is I don't look fat. I could lose some weight, but I look fine. Here is a pic of me @ 20.5 stone

<snip>

The thing I realised is that is is all about confidence, which is the same as belief. How you look at yourself is vastly different to how others see you. When you look at yourself in the mirror an awful lot of it is belief. You think it is objective, like, it is infront of you. But I gained confidence, I told myself "I am sombody", "I deserve a good life", "I am one person in 6 and a half billion, i'm that unique, i'm priceless!"

I wrote down some thoughts when I was getting down to 13.5 stone, writing I was a fat pig in the 18.5 stone photos. But now that I look at them with confidence and realise I wasn't a fat pig, that I was very alright indeed. Confidence is a key factor in how you look at yourself.