"Friends"...using the term loosely?

LegacyUser

Long post, apologies in advance! Just looking for some advice on this issue. Thanks!

Recently moved to Dublin with two friends whom I have known for the past 5 years or so. We all used to be very close with each other but for a long time I felt that I was playing the role of the sidekick to both of them and they were expecting me to pander to their expectations- expecting me to be there for them 24/7, to give them money which they wouldn’t repay, expecting me to go along with everything they wanted, with little respect for my feelings or opinions. I started standing up for myself & have gained a lot of independence. I have never felt more confident & happy in myself in many ways.

Since we have moved in together, I get along with each girl just fine. I have been making an effort to keep the friendships balanced but also to put myself 1st (for the first time ever). However I find that the two of them together turn into very bitchy, judgemental and highly difficult people. Previously, when we used to hang out all together all the time I used to find myself going along with it as it is easier with them. But I wasn’t happy with myself & didn’t feel like I was being myself so I stopped joining in. I don’t tell them to stop, I leave them to their own devices a lot of the time.
Since I have asserted some independence, I am finding myself more and more the target of their bitching. I can hear them in the house giving out about me & dissecting everything I do- what I wore to work, who I messaged on facebook, what time I came home after work , what I cooked for dinner. If I tell them I met anyone after work or anything about my day, they don’t listen or undermine anything I say. They act like this towards our other housemate as well and their in jokes & behaviour is quite rude.

I can understand if they are upset with me because I have become more independent. I would spend more time with them only for the fact that I am enjoying their company less and less. I find them really nasty at times. And the funny thing is that they separately come to me bitching & giving out about the other one. I tell them I don’t want to be involved & if they have a problem with one another to discuss it between themselves but they are thick as thieves again with nothing being resolved!
It’s very frustrating & at the moment, I can’t see what I can do to make this better. I can’t move out at the moment- that would cause a huge rift also. I feel like these friends have little to no respect for me. They purposely undermine me and make fun of me in front of others. I am self deprecating anyways but when I feel it was out of line and point this out to them, I get told to lighten up. I feel like it’s a constant battle to just be myself and do my thing and I’ve started to resent them which eats away at me as well!

I don’t know if I am being too hard on them & being a bitch myself. I could also be too afraid to break the ties with them. I have lost friendships over the years & I’m conscious of that. I also know I repeatedly form relationships with people where I feel like a sidekick due to my low self esteem. I don’t know what to do.

willytit

Move out and let the bloody rift be caused. These people are not friends so why would you care?

Seems to me that it would be torturous to stay in the house - unless you bank on them changing their behaviour. Fat chance.

Get out of there, continue on living your independent life and forget about these two.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'd say the best thing you could possibly do is move out!!! You've already gained some independence and look how good it feels! I know exactly what you mean, (different circumstances, it didn't involve friends, but same feelings), and I did get out of it and feel brilliant about it. Your confidence, self-reliance and esteem will all go up if you get out there and live by yourself. Also make a real effort to go and do things you enjoy, join clubs and societies, all of this will help you widen your circle of friends too, so if you have an interest in something follow it up. I did, I had an interest in photography and juggling and I've a degree in Photography and have done circus/juggling gigs since I spread my wings. Have a friendship with yourself basically, you'll get a greater understanding of yourself and be much much happier and independent. Well that was my experience anyways, like it was hard at first but then I found my feet as it were and I don't recognize myself compared to who I used to be.

With regards to your friends, they don't sound like friends at all. The sound like bitchy children, constantly getting validation from each other that the way they're acting is ok. So really some space could be the making of a proper friendship with you guys, they don't sound like they respect you to be honest, so a break away would do you good in that they won't feel quite so comfortable treating you like **** when your not their housemate anymore, their power to make your life miserable will be gone and maybe they'll view you more as an equal. Once they do you can go about building the friendship but to be honest you sound leagues above them in self-awareness and honesty and being positive. I'd say once you get out there and find yourself you won't even want to be friends with people of such little substance.

Now all that was a bit rambley but the basic message is you really don't need them, they're holding you back, break free if you can.

Best of luck:)

LimeFruitGum

+1 get the hell out. And when you do, block them on Facebook and terminate this so-called friendship. you don't really still want to hang out with them when you move out? It can't be much fun for the other person in the house either.

LegacyUser

cheers for the reply folks!

i can see the sense in everyone telling me to move out but I really don't see that i can do that for the moment. the problem is that I share a room with the other girl (in order to get our rent so cheap) and if I was to suddenly move out I would have to find a person to take my place, which wouldnt be fair on that girl nor would be easy to find someone who wants to share a room. I have broached the subject with the other girl (also the target of my friends behaviour) and she says she just turns a blind eye to the situation & doesn't have the time to move out at the moment.

I do get on fine with each girl but when they are together they really bring out the bad in each other.But I don't trust them anymore- I know how backstabbing they are to each other. I suppose, for the time being until I can find a way to move out, I'm looking for advice on how to handle them- how to tell them I'm not interested in listening to their bitching, how to tell them not to treat me that way and that I am aware of how much they bitch about me etc without causing an all out war!

I am wary of causing a big rift with these girls as I know how nasty they could get- they are also a part of my wider social circle of friends and could see me being pushed out the group.
I'm not really a confrontational person or an argumentative person (which I know they bank on to get away with being nasty) so any tips on ways to handle this would be great!

Cheers

dellas1979

Ugh um well-just about everything you should do, youve posted you cant do.

In all fairness, grow a pair. They know they can get at you and they know how to get to you.

If you cant move out (for some reason you are thinking of other people yet again-do you ever put yourself first? Because no one else will you know. Do you think all these people are going to think how great or considerate you are? Really now?). you are either going to have to ignore it, or tell them to **** off.

Your problem runs deeper than these girls - one thing Ive learned in my 31 years on this earth (yes you can tell from my username) is do things to please yourself, not others. No one else is going to think you are the great person because you are "nice". Of course be nice, but dont let people walk all over you.