What if it comes back?

LegacyUser

As my username suggest, I am in my late thirties and have suffered from depression on and off for about ten years now.
I tend to have "depressive episodes" that last for a few weeks and then I get out of it with the help of medication (which I then stop taking when I get better, although I am on meds constantly now).
Things hit a new low about a year ago when I broke down completley and considered suicide. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I often regret not taking my own life, I was in the mood to do it and the opportunity passed me by. I know I'll get a lot of criticism for writing that, I apologise, it's a lousy thing to say but that's the way I feel.
I have focussed on my career for the last seven or eight years or so, at great personal cost as I have only a few friends (I am working on that though) and have never had a girlfriend.
I have hobbies but sometimes I just can't be bothered. It was all about educating myself and getting a job, then when I am in a job trying to get a better one, trying to be the best I can be.
I am in a job I like at the moment except I have a lot of responsibilty and I spent a bit of time on the dole as well so teh prospect of going back to that terrifies me.
If I don't do my job well I might lose it and I worry constantly that something will crop up that I won't be able to do and it will cost me. I am obsessive about my work, I get extremely stressed and frustrated and it shows (I am on meds for that too). I remember one incident in my last job where one girl gave me a look that said all over it "Christ what a weirdo".
If I can't get something done and time is running out to do it I panic and fret, it's all I think about every waking hour. I don't sleep well (I am on sleeping tabets), I don't watch TV, I can't read, I don't exercise.
This lead to my problems a year ago, I was under a lot of pressure and it got to me and I cracked. A lot of this pressure is self-inflicted I know as I have no money problems (I am quite poorly paid though) and I will always have a place to live.
I put too much pressure on myself, I obsess over things I didn't do well enough or quickly or efficiently enough.
I am worried that all this stuff will lead to another breakdown, I only barely got through the last one.
I find it impossible to relax, I've never been on a foreign holiday, I don't think I could stand the boredom. I get up early seven days a week, I constantly look for something to occupy my time (as long as it doesn't involve sitting down), I hate going to lunch, I'd rather have it at my desk. I am simpy unable to just "do nothing". Even when I was on the dole I used to spend the day on the internet looking for jobs. Whenever I got an interview I would get up very early that morning to prepare for it.
My sister and my mom think I am a raving nutcase (but they are genuinley concerned for me), some people reading this probably think I am a raving nutcase. To be honest I think I am a raving nutcase myself sometimes.
I mentioned I don't have a girlfriend, my GP thinks I should get one and all my problems will be over but I don't know, I don't think I could let myself go.
Besides, it's not fair to inflict someone like me on anyone.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been through chronic depression and luckily I have learnt a lot from other people, good medical staff, and now I manage it well and am aware of the signs of relapse and what to do about it. Recently I have heard that the one thing consistently cropping up with sufferers is that they are TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES, they would not enforce the same standards that they do on themselves, onto others. How about taking a really big risk and becoming a Homer Simpson for a while (without the drink of course), experiment wiht doing things less than perfect....see what happens.

Your priority is treating your depression, not your job, because if you do not you will be dead, simple as. A girlfriend would help out a lot....but the important part of that is the "friend" part, sometimes it is a hit and miss before you get lucky, and this is to be expected when you dont have experience.

How about someone closer.....you. Be your own friend. When was the las time you did something kind to yourself?

You could definately do with going to a councillor, there are plenty available and even for free.
www.shine.ie or Aware

There are many experienced and skilled people just waiting for you to get in contact with them, so they can help you build a better life again. I know because I have.

I wish you the best

Guest bear

Jenneke87

latethirties wrote: »

As my username suggest, I am in my late thirties and have suffered from depression on and off for about ten years now.
I tend to have "depressive episodes" that last for a few weeks and then I get out of it with the help of medication (which I then stop taking when I get better, although I am on meds constantly now).
Things hit a new low about a year ago when I broke down completley and considered suicide. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I often regret not taking my own life, I was in the mood to do it and the opportunity passed me by. I know I'll get a lot of criticism for writing that, I apologise, it's a lousy thing to say but that's the way I feel.

I know what you say when you say you have "depressive periods" as I suffer from those as well, including thoughts of suicide. After one attempt that got rather wrong(I was KO for a couple of hours but woke up) At first, I cursed myself for the attempt going wrong, but now I can only thank whatever saved me that day. I find that when I have suicidal thoughts, it because I believe there's no other way out of the mess I'm in, or because I somehow have it in my head that everyone's better off without me(or whatever else comes to mind that moment) but it all depends on your perception of things. If you truly believe that you're better off death, you'll create a tunnel vision that will only see suicide as an end to all of your troubles. There could be a hundred other ways out for all you know, but by regretting not taking your own life and hoping(from what I read) that another oppertunity will arise to do so, you're setting yourself up for destruction. I know so, because I've tried, and it's the worst thing you can do....

latethirties wrote: »

I have focussed on my career for the last seven or eight years or so, at great personal cost as I have only a few friends (I am working on that though) and have never had a girlfriend.
I have hobbies but sometimes I just can't be bothered. It was all about educating myself and getting a job, then when I am in a job trying to get a better one, trying to be the best I can be.
I am in a job I like at the moment except I have a lot of responsibilty and I spent a bit of time on the dole as well so teh prospect of going back to that terrifies me.
If I don't do my job well I might lose it and I worry constantly that something will crop up that I won't be able to do and it will cost me. I am obsessive about my work, I get extremely stressed and frustrated and it shows (I am on meds for that too). .

Is there anything that suggest that you might lose your job. Has a boss commented on your work. Because if not, you are creating this fear only yourself and it sounds like it's starting to push you over the edge. Have you ever suggested counseling or at least talking to another person about this?

latethirties wrote: »

I remember one incident in my last job where one girl gave me a look that said all over it "Christ what a weirdo".
If I can't get something done and time is running out to do it I panic and fret, it's all I think about every waking hour. I don't sleep well (I am on sleeping tabets), I don't watch TV, I can't read, I don't exercise.

This lead to my problems a year ago, I was under a lot of pressure and it got to me and I cracked. A lot of this pressure is self-inflicted I know as I have no money problems (I am quite poorly paid though) and I will always have a place to live.
I put too much pressure on myself, I obsess over things I didn't do well enough or quickly or efficiently enough.
I am worried that all this stuff will lead to another breakdown, I only barely got through the last one.
I find it impossible to relax, I've never been on a foreign holiday, I don't think I could stand the boredom. I get up early seven days a week, I constantly look for something to occupy my time (as long as it doesn't involve sitting down), I hate going to lunch, I'd rather have it at my desk. I am simpy unable to just "do nothing". Even when I was on the dole I used to spend the day on the internet looking for jobs. Whenever I got an interview I would get up very early that morning to prepare for it.

This sounds like the core of the problem TBH. You can't relax, you apply way too much pressure on yourself, you crack up. And if you don't break that cycle it's bound to happen again. Discuss this with your GP please.

latethirties wrote: »

My sister and my mom think I am a raving nutcase (but they are genuinley concerned for me), some people reading this probably think I am a raving nutcase. To be honest I think I am a raving nutcase myself sometimes.
I mentioned I don't have a girlfriend, my GP thinks I should get one and all my problems will be over but I don't know, I don't think I could let myself go.
Besides, it's not fair to inflict someone like me on anyone.

I always thought that too about myself. That I'd be a burden to any man that would try to come close. And right now I have a wonderful boyfriend, and no, he's not an answer to all of my problems, but he listens, he supports me which makes so much of a difference. And if I, out of all people can get someone, I guarentee you, so can you. And everyone is a raving nutcase to some degree....;)

I wish you the very best of luck,

Take care

Zen65

latethirties wrote: »

Besides, it's not fair to inflict someone like me on anyone.

If you put this one-liner on a T-shirt and sold it you could make a fortune! I think about one in four people feel this way about themselves,though many hide it well.

Op, getting a girlfriend won't solve all your problems. As you rightly say, many of your problems are self-inflicted; you obsess and worry over things that do not deserve your time. Perhaps if you put some of that effort into meeting people, and learning to relax, you might learn new and useful skills, including how to identify what's really important in life. Sharing your personal space with a girlfriend, apart from being a pleasurable experience, also teaches you to think outside of yourself, and to see yourself as others see you.

I suggest you try something like yoga to help you keep your body and mind in balance. Remember, a career is important because it provides for your physical needs and develops you as a person. The reason we develop ourselves is to enjoy our lives more, to experience things at a deeper level. You seem to have paused at career, and you could benefit greatly by taking the next steps to start experiencing life.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP your life is out of balance. You're focusing all your energy into only aspect of your life. As a result you're depressed, and stressed out. You need to focus more on balancing your life - work, play, relationships.

I have suffered from depression my whole life and it's episodic. I've also been suicidal throughout these periods and I am in my mid 30s now.
I always thought my depression and suicidal feelings were confined to my teens and 20s and when I went through a bad episode in my 30s it scared me. I don't want to die but at the time I can't see an escape from unbearable sadness.
To be honest there is nothing to say that your depression won't come back. But you can build up coping mechanisms to be able to deal with it and look out for warning signs. My last bad episode I was under severe stress and was unable to cope.
At the moment you are under stress. You have no outlet whatsoever to alleviate the pressure. If you don't do something about it now, then you will be heading for another episode. Talk to someone OP.
Good luck and happy Christmas

CorkMan

I am a 23 year old male who suffered from depression from age 16 until 21.

You need to realise that you are valuable, you have a lot to give to the world and don't forget that. So what if a girl gave you a look, she could have been on an off day. When you typed "Christ what a weirdo" that was your own thoughts talking.

Whoever is lucky enough to find you, will be a very fortunate person indeed. Remember that.