Advice Needed!

LegacyUser

Hello, this is my first post. I'm in need of some advice. My husband and I are separated with over four years and we have a ten year old daughter. She lives with her Dad full time and stays with me at weekends and alternate weeks during term time.

Our daughter is becoming rebellious and because my relationship with my husband is strained to say the least, I find it difficult to mediate decisions regarding our daughter with him. Recently our daughter expressed her desire to get her ears pierced a second time. I was against this until she is a few years older but I have just gotten off the phone from my daughter who has just had her ears pierced a second time! My husband 'broke the news' to me and seemed his usual gloating self when he usually 'gets one over'.

I'm just looking for advice in general regarding 10 year old girls becoming defiant. Do you think having her ears pierced a second time is o.k?

LegacyUser

I thinks your problem is with your ex husband rather than with your daughter. Getting her ears piercied again aint such a big deal but getting it dont behind your back is where the problems rise. I think you need to sit down with your ex and try and discus how raising your daughter is a joint thing. Your daughter may now see her dad as been a softer touch than you and can get her own way with him more than you. Girls that age want to have a there freedom and make there own choices so once its not something that puts her in any danger you should just try and be more understanding. I have 2 girls, one older and 1 younger and the older is the exact same.

monkey tree

Thanks for your advice. I've calmed down somewhat since I heard she had pierced them initially. I suppose this situation magnifies the lack of cohesion in parenting between her Dad and I, which really frustrates me. I'm also thinking of booking her in for some counselling. I just hope I don't meet resistance to this from him also.

Being a separated parent is a nightmare!

rolly1

Lack of cohesion in parenting is a problem that wont be sorted by sending your child to counselling. I'd say even if you do send her there it will probably emerge as a major issue for her. Gloating and games are extremely stupid on his part.

You may be better off seeking mediation to try and improve cohesion in parenting imo, if you can't do one to one meetings with him.

Zen65

monkey tree wrote: »

Being a separated parent is a nightmare!

I imagine you're right about that, though I suspect being a child caught in the middle is probably worse. I think you can take comfort that if your daughter's worst rebellion is getting her ears pierced a second time, she's coping fairly well. This is normal sort of "rebellion" for pre-teen girls, and is more driven by her peers than by her home situation. I'm very much in favour of counselling for adults, but for kids I think you need to approach the situation more carefully. She may think you are driving at counselling because she acted in a way you disapprove of, rather than anything else. This is especially so if she perceives that you are the one pushing for counselling, whereas her father is not.

It's too easy for me to say this, but whatever differences there are between you and your ex, it is critical that you both agree to put these aside and deal only with what your daughter needs, and that you agree a common parenting strategy. This means that you each need to try to agree a "list" of issues that need joint parental consent, including things like sleepovers, discos, make-up, boyfriends, school options, pocket money, drinking, smoking, contraception (you need to be thinking this far ahead even now) and so on. To achieve this agreement, it is the two of you, rather than your daughter, who may need some form of counselling if you cannot agree it in an objective way up front.

Be at peace,

Z