She cant accept I dont want to be with her

phoenix7777

I have been seeing a female for 15 months, shes always pushed for it, found reasons to call at my house etc.

I have never really been seriously intrested, I have always told her this.

I have tried to let her down slowly over about 6 weeks, 2 weeks ago I told her I just wanted to be friends. Even insisted she slept on the sofa.

We stopped having sex about 1 month ago. She still calls and texts on Sunday evening I came home and she was watching tv in my front room. My son let her in.

She cant accept I dont want to be with her and goes into nervous breakdown mode, not eating, sleeping, crying etc, texting me how much she loves me, misses me etc.

I end up taking pity and talking to her on the phone, the next thing shes on my doorstep with some excuse or other, shes really good at it. The latest is she has to call by to give me the Christmas presents shes bought.

Im not a nasty person, but she refuses to accept I dont want a relationship.

What should I do ?

Zen65

phoenix7777 wrote: »

I end up taking pity and talking to her on the phone, the next thing shes on my doorstep with some excuse or other, shes really good at it.

......

What should I do ?

Talk to her briefly at the door, but don't let her in.

Be polite, but firm. Do not start "taking pity" on her.

If you yield from your position, she does not take you seriously. She thinks she is winning you over, resolving a problem. She has not understood from you that you do not want this relationship to continue.

Be at peace,

Z

mylittlepony

I dont know if your son is a kid, teen or adult but you must let your son know not to let her in future without you there.
Unless he didnt know that you are not a couple anymore. make this clear and to anyone who know about this 'relationship' including herself.
If your own son thought it was ok to let her in, then she perfectly thought that ye are still a 'couple'. and that everything you said before meant nothing.
So you have been pussy footing/being weak and she took advantage of this.
Be Firm but fair.

IrishEyes19

I think, OP, when you started her letting her down 6 weeks ago, the sex should have stopped six weeks as should have any contact with her!! any nice words or intimate gestures towards this woman is just going to end up in her believing you arent ready for a relationship but you have feelings for her. you need to go cold turkey on this one, explain politely you dont want to hurt her, but you dont feel the same way she does and you will not be keeping contact with her, and if she starts stalking the house or plaguing you, you'll have to take other measures involving the law.

I know it sounds harsh but she sounds like the sort of person who would guilt trip someone with terrible threats if she doesnt get her own way. I could be totally wrong, but its a nasty road to go down if thats the case.

phoenix7777

Why should all contact have stopped ?

Is it not possible to be friends with an ex ?

We get on well in terms of intrests, being into self development etc.

She calls me and cracks up if I wont talk to her, there is a danger of her going once again into a serious depression, like she had before she met me.

Its difficult to totally blank someone when they leave messages on your phone sounding totally distraught.

But I DO NOT want to go back into a relationship with her.

She sends texts nearly every day about how she loves me so much, its hard to respond to that by totally blanking her.

She thinks Im her Soul Mate.

Katgurl

Have you told her you spent the night with another woman last week? A woman you met off the net so presumably are actively looking for a woman?

If not, why not?

And being nice doesn't always mean refusing to say what you know someone doesn't want to hear.

Nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex op but not when friendship is being misconstrued as something else.

I am starting to wonder based on this and other thread that you like women to be ome completely dependant on you.

What was the rest of the 15 months like with this woman before you ended it?

sam34

phoenix7777 wrote: »

She calls me and cracks up if I wont talk to her, there is a danger of her going once again into a serious depression, like she had before she met me.

Its difficult to totally blank someone when they leave messages on your phone sounding totally distraught.

classic manipulation on her part

you are not responsible for her mental wellbeing.

do not let her blackmail you into being responsible for it

she's a big girl now, she can deal with a break up.

be firm, say what you mean (that you want to break up) and follow up on that with all further actions - no talking to her, 'counselling' her on the phone, no visits etc.

time and distance is whats needed now

common sense brigade

end up taking pity and talking to her

You need to stop doing this and completely blank any calls or texts. change your number. Do not have any contact with her. Also if you know a friend of her's ring the friend explain whats going on and let the friends/family help her get over this. She needs support cos she is clearly very insecure. But you cannot be the support otherwise she will never move on. Your keeping her hanging on by entertaining her in any way.

phoenix7777

Katgurl wrote: »

Have you told her you spent the night with another woman last week? A woman you met off the net so presumably are actively looking for a woman?

If not, why not?

And being nice doesn't always mean refusing to say what you know someone doesn't want to hear.

Nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex op but not when friendship is being misconstrued as something else.

I am starting to wonder based on this and other thread that you like women to be ome completely dependant on you.

What was the rest of the 15 months like with this woman before you ended it?

She knows I date other women.

She knows for months I have been on a dating site, she wont accept Im not intrested.

I may just have to blank her, dont want to, cause I like her as a person.

And she keeps sending these friggin texts when I wake up and before I go to bed about how much she loves me, which do my head in.

She said she even wears my tee shirt to be every night.

The 15 months ? Well, I enjoyed her company but didnt want anything serious.


For her, she has got alot of confidence out of it especially in her sexuality and her whole outlook on life, her attitudes, accepting who she is etc.

phoenix7777

common sense brigade wrote: »

You need to stop doing this and completely blank any calls or texts. change your number. Do not have any contact with her. Also if you know a friend of her's ring the friend explain whats going on and let the friends/family help her get over this. She needs support cos she is clearly very insecure. But you cannot be the support otherwise she will never move on. Your keeping her hanging on by entertaining her in any way.

I cant change my number its linked to advertising connected to my work.

Wonkagirl

ohmy GOD the poor girl... cringing for her. does she have low self esteem? she has to..

do you know any of her close friends well? if i was you i'd talk to one of them- email them perhaps? tell them the situation, and maybe one of them can talk sense into her.

you have to stop letting her into the house though. also, you can block her number from your phone, and keep the same number.. it's nasty, but it might hit home. seriously, the poor girl. is there anything more disgusting than unrequited love? yuck. still tho, not your fault, she needs to move on pronto!

LegacyUser

phoenix7777 wrote: »

For her, she has got alot of confidence out of it especially in her sexuality and her whole outlook on life, her attitudes, accepting who she is etc.

Seriously, who do you think you are? you have been using this girl and you think you have improved her outlook on life!

your posts read like you see yourself as some kind of messiah....

Fittle

OP, you have to take some responsibility here. You really do.

All the way, you're talking about what she's doing, the number of texts she's sending etc etc. You were 'with' her for 15 months.

And yet, 15 months later, you say you told her you didn't want a relationship with her. Well, with respect, that's very easy to say. But your messages to her were obviously very, VERY different!!!!

So while you can tell her all these things 'I don't want you...I don't want a relationship with you...' etc etc, your messages to her are very different. You are answering her texts, you are spending time with her, you are telling her you 'like' her (but finishing it off by saying 'but...').

So grow a pair, give the girl her self respect back. Stop answering her calls - stop answering her texts. It's VERY clear what she wants. You are saying you don't want the same thing, but by responding to her, you are giving her mixed messages.

She is probably on boards somewhere, saying 'I don't understand why he's doing this...'....or similar.

Leave her alone. Move on with your life. She is not your friend. You are not her friend. She will eventually get the message when you ignore her. Yes, she has very low self esteem..but that's her issue,not yours.

astra2000

phoenix7777 wrote: »

Why should all contact have stopped ?

Is it not possible to be friends with an ex ?

We get on well in terms of intrests, being into self development etc.

She calls me and cracks up if I wont talk to her, there is a danger of her going once again into a serious depression, like she had before she met me.

Its difficult to totally blank someone when they leave messages on your phone sounding totally distraught.

But I DO NOT want to go back into a relationship with her.

She sends texts nearly every day about how she loves me so much, its hard to respond to that by totally blanking her.

She thinks Im her Soul Mate.

Is there anyone in her family who you can ask to keep an eye on her. Tbh it does not sound like her been in contact with you is in her best interests. What you have done up to now hasnt worked so it looks like you need to do something different. It doesnt sound like you can have any sort of a relationship with her as she wants more and will do anything to get this from you. I feel sorry for both of you, you have been honest with her and you dont want to hurt her and see her end up depressed you are obviously a decent guy.

phoenix7777

Fittle wrote: »

OP, you have to take some responsibility here. You really do.

All the way, you're talking about what she's doing, the number of texts she's sending etc etc. You were 'with' her for 15 months.

And yet, 15 months later, you say you told her you didn't want a relationship with her. Well, with respect, that's very easy to say. But your messages to her were obviously very, VERY different!!!!

So while you can tell her all these things 'I don't want you...I don't want a relationship with you...' etc etc, your messages to her are very different. You are answering her texts, you are spending time with her, you are telling her you 'like' her (but finishing it off by saying 'but...').

So grow a pair, give the girl her self respect back. Stop answering her calls - stop answering her texts. It's VERY clear what she wants. You are saying you don't want the same thing, but by responding to her, you are giving her mixed messages.

She is probably on boards somewhere, saying 'I don't understand why he's doing this...'....or similar.

Leave her alone. Move on with your life. She is not your friend. You are not her friend. She will eventually get the message when you ignore her. Yes, she has very low self esteem..but that's her issue,not yours.

I hear you. I do have feelings for her, but I dont want to be with her.

The only way is to blank her.

Also my connection to her is stopping me moving on with someone new cause she takes up alot of my emotional energy.

Oryx

You want to stay in touch with her because shes a nice person? Is that for her or your benefit?

If you want her to stop this over the top contact, then you need to stop confusing her, which your actions (cutting off one aspect of your relationship, continuing another) clearly are. If she is head over heels in love with you, but you dont want that, then let her go, and make sure she knows that , with no misinterpretation. If you do anything less you are playing with her mind. You may not see it like that, but she is on a totally different page, and you need to respect that.

As for her fragility, Im afraid that is not your problem, and in fact it never was. Great for her that she got some confidence from being with you, but if she cant continue with that confidence without you then its fake anyway, and she will need to learn to develop her own. Never give in to her emotional threats, or you will always be her crutch.

Fittle

phoenix7777 wrote: »

I hear you. I do have feelings for her, but I dont want to be with her.

The only way is to blank her.

Also my connection to her is stopping me moving on with someone new cause she takes up alot of my emotional energy.

She only takes up alot of your emotional energy because you allow her to.

You are in control of how you feel about her, and what you do.

Ignore her.

miec

We get on well in terms of intrests, being into self development

To be honest Op, neither you nor your ex-girlfriend are practising self development, both of you are caught up in a horrible cycle of dysfunction and messiness.

You've definately got some 'saviour' complex but its scary to be honest, quit trying to save or fix women and turn that energy to yourself. Look after yourself instead. Your supposed 'saving' is causing more harm than good. It is a form of misguided kindness, I can only liken it to the Christian missionaries invading African communities and converting them to Christianity, they were wholly convinced they were doing good and noble deeds, when in fact they destroyed a whole way of being and living for large communities whilst enabling European countries to colonise and take over Africa.

The kindest and most loving thing you can do is say to your ex that you will not be responding to her texts, calls, etc, that she needs to get help and therapy and that you will not be in touch with her at all, and then stick to it.

Walls

You have to say you're cutting all contact, cut all contact and stick to it. Include your family and friends in the decision and do not bend. She will act more and more extreme mainly to get a reaction from you, but don't give in. You cannot win this one by talking, all you can do is step away and don't come back.

LegacyUser

If she is prone to depression, she is going to have to learn that it is her condition and how to deal with it. I speak as a sufferer and to be honest, I find her behaviour infuriating.

You cannot take responsibility for her emotional and mental health. Only she can do that, and yes, she is able to. I'd hate to think that someone was afraid to break up with me because they feared I'd have a meltdown. I'd be mortified and offended. Staying in a relationship with you will not keep the black dog away. She's going to have to learn how to cope with things like break-ups without resorting to emotional blackmail. Yes, if you are prone to depression, negative life events may be more difficult to deal with, but you accept that and find your way to cope without making it everyone else's problem. Yes, there are times I need a bit of extra support and understanding. At these times I ask for it from an appropriate source. I don't resort to emotional blackmail. The depression is my condition and it is my responsibility to manage it, with appropriate support at times when it's necessary.

She may need support and assitance learning how to do this, but it can't be from you. If you are genuinely worried that she is heading for an emotional crisis, maybe you can have a word with her family or close friends, then, step right out of her life. If she threatens suicide, alert the relevant authorities. There is nothing more you can or should do.

There is also the possibility that she may have other psychological issues, and only the relevant professionals can decide this and help her deal with it, not you.

The way she is behaving now is the kind of behaviour that paints the mojority of depression sufferers with the stigma of being out-of-control nutters, when, in fact, we are quietly doing are best to lead a normal and uneventful life without burdening anyone else with our problems. Hence my posting unregged.

phoenix7777

Shes got tickets for a really good show tomorrow night and is coming round with presents and Christmas shopping.

Ive given in again :-(


In the past she even consulted a witch to do spells to keep us together.

After Christmas, thats it.

IrishEyes19

phoenix7777 wrote: »

Why should all contact have stopped ?

Is it not possible to be friends with an ex ?

We get on well in terms of intrests, being into self development etc.

She calls me and cracks up if I wont talk to her, there is a danger of her going once again into a serious depression, like she had before she met me.

Its difficult to totally blank someone when they leave messages on your phone sounding totally distraught.

But I DO NOT want to go back into a relationship with her.

She sends texts nearly every day about how she loves me so much, its hard to respond to that by totally blanking her.

She thinks Im her Soul Mate.

Because as long as you keep contact, she thinks she has a chance with you, you said it yourself she tells you everyday she loves you. this woman sounds like she needs professional help

Walls

<Facepalm> Bother.


Oh dear. Right, well, you need to sit her down and have it out with her.

IrishEyes19

phoenix7777 wrote: »

Shes got tickets for a really good show tomorrow night and is coming round with presents.

Ive given in again :-(


In the past she even consulted a witch to do spells to keep us together.

After Christmas, thats it.

Sorry what???? Dont answer the door, how have you given in? Do not go with her!!!! A really good show??? Im sorry is this a joke?? Because you sounds like your getting a lot of out this "MESS"

If you really want out of this, do not answer the door tomorow, do not answer her calls!! Dont be home if she calls over, go to a friends!!! Bottom line: Dont accept those gifts!!! Stop giving her a reason to call over, and stop taking from this girl who clearly needs help

Sardonicat

Ah, op! A grown woman consulting a witch has got serious problems understanding reality!

Do not accept the presents, call her and tell her she can't come over and you can't go with her to the show. Whatever emotional problems she has, you can't be held to ransom by them. If she threatens to harm herself contact the emergency services.

For both your sakes this has to end now. You may feel sorry for her but you are doing her more harm than good allowing this to continue.

sam34

phoenix7777 wrote: »

Shes got tickets for a really good show tomorrow night and is coming round with presents and Christmas shopping.

Ive given in again :-(


In the past she even consulted a witch to do spells to keep us together.

After Christmas, thats it.

YOU are perpetuating this just as much as she is, if not more.

Nevyn

I suggest you stop creating account to get around previous bans to brag about how you have a string of women as your conquests.