we want a baby, but i'm worried

LegacyUser

I'm 29, going on 30, and recently found out I have a medical condition that could (not definitely, but could) bring about early menopause. My OH and I were waiting a few more years before trying to have kids, but since this news, we decided that we could end up regretting the wait, and better to get started ASAP. We are both very excited about this, my mother is over the moon, I have flashes of terror because I still think I'm about 15, not 30, and can't envisage myself with a baby, but I also know it's perfectly normal to panic now and again when your entire life as you know it is about to change.

But the one fear I can't overcome is the (very real) anxiety that we simply will not be able to afford to have a child. I'm on social welfare, OH is working. It's been scraping the bottom of the barrel month after month to meet rent and bills. But as there is only two of us, we survive. Don't go out, eat a bit less, let the laundry pile up to save on the electricity and washing powder, turn the radiators off and live out of one room in the house... a sort of slovenly livestyle that wont be exactly feasible with a little one.

He keeps telling me we would make it work. That people on less income than we have manage with more than one child. I'm still in minor debt since my college days. I've been trying to get back into the workplace, but falling pregnant and having a child will put that out of the question for a considerable time, by which point I may be so long out of work that I will have to retrain to find a job. The timing seems to be all wrong, another two or three years maybe we would be in a better position to afford to have a child - but as my health is unpredctable we may miss our window of opportunity if we put this on hold.

Wondering if my fears are really grounded, and if we are simply being selfish wishing to have a child at this point? Or is it just that panic because life as we know it will be changed for ever? Anyone? Advice would be well appreciated.

ted1

you'll be grand. It'll be the best thing that ever happened to you.

xzanti

There'll never really be an ideal time IMHO.. there'll always be some reason or other to hold off.. just go for it if it's something you really want..

There is a 'trying to conceive' forum under parenting, you might find some useful info and support from other couples over there.. Not that there's anything wrong with PI of course

Chicago Chick

Hi OP, I can totally understand your worries and that is one of the things that will help to make you good parents. You are thinking about your future baby and how you will provide for it before you even conceive. I agree that it is not an easy decision to make while you seem to be struggling financially but you really need to sit and think long and hard about what you forsee for your future.

Is it possible that you could pull any additional income from anywhere? (I don't mean that being flippant) Would the maternity benefit you would receive over the 26 weeks be of much difference to you? Would you both be happy if you did not have children together? I am not saying this will happen or trying to scare you but these are all things that you need to think about so carefully together.

Myself and my husband have an 11 month old and I am 4 months pregnant with our second. We are both lucky enough to still have jobs but have both take significant pay cuts in the last year. You would be suprised how much you will alter your lifestyle to suit your little one without minding as you love them so much.

Pique

Tough decision, and one I don't envy.

My pov? Well budget ain't good, and next years will be worse.
What's you OH's job promotion prospects?

If current life with the 2 of you is that tight, can you move somewhere cheaper/smaller?

Now don't take this offensively, but, I've often said about parents (generally 3rd/4th gen dole bludgers with 10 kids by different fathers) who are complaining about not being able to afford stuff for their kids, then don't have one.

Not your situation I understand, but the realities are, if you can't afford one now, When will you?
Can you wait/get more med checks to keep an eye on things?
If not, can you get a loan, borrow from family to keep things going IF you get pregnant?
Are you sure that if you tried now, that you'd get pregnant within a year?

Darlughda

Absolute madness.

Having a child is not some kind of right bestowed on human beings.

It is a rare honour and a privelege, should any woman or couple chose this course of lifestyle.

Your health should be paramount here, before any consideration of another human being. Early menopause?
I don't want to be nosy and ask what is the condition you are suffering to cause this? How are you coping with that? What are the effects of that for you, and what exactly does that mean for you?

I cannot believe how selfish your mother, and indeed posters on this thread are being acting like having a child is important. Or indeed, more important than what is going on with you health wise.

Stheno

OP if you can wait a year and then start trying I would.

That would give you potentially time to find a job, for your partner to move up in his, and for your financial situation to improve.

With what you've described as your living situation now, how will you afford to take the baby to the doctor if he/she is ill? How will you afford the cost of nappies, clothes as the baby grows, all the kit children need?

I'm not lambasting your wish to have a baby, but thinking of the economics.

If you have a timeframe as to your potential early menopause, try to use that to influence your decision also.

As well is there anything else you can budget on that will help you financially?

Best of luck!

CathyMoran

My mother had early menopause so I always assumed that it was on the cards for me too - the time was right for me when I was 32 but life had other plans and I was diagnosed with a very serious illness and it looked like children (let alone me being alive long enough to have them) was unlikely. I had several miscarriages but had my son when I was (am) 36 and am pregnant again, however if we had been fortunate to have them when we were younger we would have had a bigger gap and a larger family.

I do not think that waiting is a good idea if you have found your life partner and have had some time together - we waited too long as I wanted things to be perfect (they never are). Good luck!

Zen65

Darlughda wrote: »

I cannot believe how selfish your mother, and indeed posters on this thread are being acting like having a child is important. Or indeed, more important than what is going on with you health wise.

Having a child / children is important. Most parents will tell you their children are the most important thing in their lives. They're hardly all wrong about that, are they?

As for the health risk, Op has only described a risk of early menopause. She did not suggest that having a child would adversely affect her health.

Op, you are being very responsible by considering the financial implication of your circumstances. Here on Boards.ie we are not in a position to offer financial advice, but I would strongly advise you to contact MABS to get really good financial advice about the cost of rearing children, as well as the support that you will receive from the state. If your mother is young & healthy enough to help you with the child-minding, and if she is willing to do so, then this substantially reduces your costs and may allow you to work afterwards to improve on your financial position.

Be at peace,


Z

Flashgordon197

Give it a go. Things wont always be this bad and you are young=meaning you could spend rest of your life regretting you didnt. All the money in the world wont help you then.

astra2000

Hi op this is a tough choice for you and it is one that you and your partner must make together with the best medical knowledge that is available to you. Having a child is lovely no doubt about but you are right to be cautious. Is it possible for you to wait before trying even for a few months just even so you may be less anxious about it.
I am curious not critical of the way you describe your financial position, I would have thought if your partner is working full time and you are claiming full unemployment allowance that things should not be as tight as you find them, I am not doubting your word but I wonder are there drains on your finances that could be altered? Ie could ye find a smaller cheaper place to rent or ask the landlord for a rent reduction, if a lot of money is going on personal debt could ye look at restructuring the payments to make it more affordable? Myself hubby and 3 kids live off one wage, my husbands and while it is higher than the average industrial wage it is only by a little. We pay mortgage run two cars and get by. We would not go out a lot but socialise with friends and family at home. Obviously we have had to make some cut backs for me to be able to stay home with kids, but not to the extreme you have described. I would second that you get financial help or take a look at your finances yourselves and see if there are any changes you can make.
Best of luck with the job hunting and I hope it all works out for you.

Shelli2

As a parent I would say, go for it, if you want kids then yes, it is the most important thing you will ever do in your life and should you let that chance pass you will never forgive yourself.

On the other hand, is the child going to suffer in the long run, will things be so tight that they will have to go without the basic needs. Food, heat, safe home and education? If the answer is no, and you can provide the basics and the love then there is no question IMO.

Also, you didn't mention what your condition is, so I would be asking is there a possibilty that your medical condition could put extra pressure on the family unit, medical costs, OH not being able to work as he has to take care of you and the child?