I hate love

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve from this, maybe it's just a rant I need to get out of my system. Maybe I'm looking for a little bit of hope.

I've never been in love. I'm a mid-twenties female and my love life thus far has comprised a load of drunken kisses, a few one-night stands and the odd fling or two, generally when abroad. I'm a cynic, with self-confidence issues and no idea how to even act around lads I fancy and no notion of approaching or even making my interest apparent when it's there, and yet I hanker for someone special to love, to hold, to fall asleep beside, virtually every day of my life. A closet romantic, you might say.

I'm not particularly self-pitying, I mean I'm fully aware that I'm in this predicament because of my own actions/lack of action, but I don't know how to change and I don't want to live the rest of my life never experiencing love.

I'm not desperate, if anything I'm a little too attached to my independence and probably too used to being on my own. But I just hate this feeling that love is something that happens to other people, that it's off-limits for me because I'm never the girl that guys fall for. I know logically that it makes no sense - I'm a good person, good company, good in social situations, intelligent, always up for a laugh and definitely not bad looking. I just don't know how to change myself, to open my mind or to open my heart or whatever it is I need to do to put myself in with a chance.

Every time I meet a guy it invariably ends up being a physical relationship only, that lasts either one night or a few weeks and eventually fizzles. If I'm not putting out within the first few encounters, the texts stop and the interest diminishes. Sure, I'm meeting the wrong guys, going to the wrong places, but how do I meet the right ones?

I suppose this is now becoming a PI for me because I'm finding myself begrudging others for their happy relationships, not comprehending how couples get together and fall in love and becoming a little bit bitter about it. Sometimes it feels like the world has paired off and I've been left out in the cold. It's no fun feeling this way, especially at Christmas time, with loved up couples on every corner, friends harping on about what to get the OH and innumerous cheesy Christmas movies all over the TV!! And it's not who I am - this bitter, jealous scrooge that can't bear to see happiness in others. I guess it's just a projection of my own frustration.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant. I'd just love to hear from others who may be going through the same thing. Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

bahhumbug wrote: »

Hi,

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve from this, maybe it's just a rant I need to get out of my system. Maybe I'm looking for a little bit of hope.

I've never been in love. I'm a mid-twenties female and my love life thus far has comprised a load of drunken kisses, a few one-night stands and the odd fling or two, generally when abroad. I'm a cynic, with self-confidence issues and no idea how to even act around lads I fancy and no notion of approaching or even making my interest apparent when it's there, and yet I hanker for someone special to love, to hold, to fall asleep beside, virtually every day of my life. A closet romantic, you might say.

I'm not particularly self-pitying, I mean I'm fully aware that I'm in this predicament because of my own actions/lack of action, but I don't know how to change and I don't want to live the rest of my life never experiencing love.

I'm not desperate, if anything I'm a little too attached to my independence and probably too used to being on my own. But I just hate this feeling that love is something that happens to other people, that it's off-limits for me because I'm never the girl that guys fall for. I know logically that it makes no sense - I'm a good person, good company, good in social situations, intelligent, always up for a laugh and definitely not bad looking. I just don't know how to change myself, to open my mind or to open my heart or whatever it is I need to do to put myself in with a chance.

Every time I meet a guy it invariably ends up being a physical relationship only, that lasts either one night or a few weeks and eventually fizzles. If I'm not putting out within the first few encounters, the texts stop and the interest diminishes. Sure, I'm meeting the wrong guys, going to the wrong places, but how do I meet the right ones?

I suppose this is now becoming a PI for me because I'm finding myself begrudging others for their happy relationships, not comprehending how couples get together and fall in love and becoming a little bit bitter about it. Sometimes it feels like the world has paired off and I've been left out in the cold. It's no fun feeling this way, especially at Christmas time, with loved up couples on every corner, friends harping on about what to get the OH and innumerous cheesy Christmas movies all over the TV!! And it's not who I am - this bitter, jealous scrooge that can't bear to see happiness in others. I guess it's just a projection of my own frustration.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant. I'd just love to hear from others who may be going through the same thing. Thanks for reading.

well op..

i am the male version of yourself, except the 1 night stands and drunken kisses

i only ever kissed a girl and i am 25..same as you i look at some friends of mine in happy relationships and wonder if i ll ever get there..what am i lacking to reach that stage..well i never seem to be able to find an answer

the good news is that by spendin a lot of time by yourself, you know yourself probably a lot better than people who are not used to spending that much time on their own..

i think if ur too used to depend on someone, then when u ll find urself alone, it ll be harder to cope

anyway as i guy i can tell you that you need to strike a balance if u want to find the guy that i think ur after..

dont be too available but don't ignore him either

dont think having sex straight away is a good idea..if he is interested as you want him to be, he ll stick around for longer than the first few weeks

best of luck

Smyth

You sound like a smart girl. You've already identified your problems and solutions.

Who you're meeting and where you're meeting them.

I don't have a yearning to be in love any time soon, but a friend of mine recently asked me (both in our mid twenties too) if I was on the lookout for a partner. I brushed it off, but thinking about it later, it wouldn't be easy. At all.

Living in the city, going to the same clubs and meeting the same carbon copies over and over, I'm quite glad that I don't have that yearning to the same degree as you do. You seem intelligent, so I'm sure you'd have a certain standard. I'm also sure that you don't usually find that standard vomiting on the streets on a Saturday night. I understand where your frustration is coming from.

Have you tried online dating? I've heard good things about it. Especially ones that have the payment barrier to entry (I've heard from female friends that free ones like plentyoffish.com have a lot of guys just looking for sex).

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
Just wanted to say I know how you feel, or perhaps to say that I'm in even a worse situation that you. I'm a 26 year old guy, I won't lie and say that I'm a modern adonis, I'm probably pretty average as far as I can measure such things. In my vanity I also don't consider my personality to be all that bad either, I'll admit to being quite weird (something I've grown to enjoy) and extremely independent out of necessity and more than a little shy and naive, but I know I'm not a bad person and that I do have something to offer somebody.

Personally I've never been in a relationship or even close, I've never known how to act around other people, most of which I know now is just learned mimicry which is much harder to learn for members of the opposite sex let alone for an intimate relationship. Perhaps it's like this for everybody and I'm just worse at it or perhaps I'm not trying hard enough. I know I would love to love somebody, I'd love to hold a girls hand or sit in a room alone together and talk or fall asleep in each others arms. I often worry that perhaps I've missed the stage where we can be both inexperienced and make it up as we go along.

The closest I ever got to love was unrequited, and this through me into a dark depression for a while after she left. So now I also worry I don't have the maturity to handle a relationship even if I ever met somebody I could fall in love with.

Personally I have given up, the first reason is because I realized some time ago that if I ever wanted a girl to fall in love with me I would have to change who I am, but I want a girl who would fall in love with who I am not with who I can pretend to be. Secondly I figure that as I get older I might meet somebody who figures I'm the best she can do and settles, more than anything I can't stand the thought of that.

Sorry to rant a little, I don't tell you these things to garner either sympathy or revulsion, but to show you that I understand where you are coming from and to offer solidarity and advice. The fact that I won't take my own advice perhaps means that I'm unqualified to offer it, but for what it's worth here it is.

OP you strike me as somebody who is looking for love in all the wrong places, there are people who form lasting relationship from drunken kisses, but its completely hit and miss, you are mostly just hoping that the person you are kissing turns out to be compatible with you and most of the time that won't happen. If you want to meet somebody I think you need to put yourself in situations where you can form friendships first over shared interests. Obviously the interests that work best are the ones that appeal to large numbers of the opposite sex (of which I have very few). The old adage that you find love when you least expect it, I think it's true because it's also when you relax and get to know people rather than just looking for somebody to love.

aidan24326

One_UP wrote: »

Personally I have given up, the first reason is because I realized some time ago that if I ever wanted a girl to fall in love with me I would have to change who I am

It's a big mistake to think like that. There's somebody for everyone, so never try to be anything other than yourself. If a girl doesn't get you as you are then she's just not for you. But you know what? Somebody will one of these days.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for your insights and advice. It's good to get some perspective from the opposite sex and to know that I'm not alone in this.

I guess the 'you'll meet someone when you least expect it's and 'there's someone out there for everybody's that I've heard over the years are starting to get a bit stale now, at the age of 25, as time is passing and nothing is changing for me. I'd want to be a complete idiot to not realise that it's not just bad luck, it's something in me that allows the situation to never change. But I guess it's hard to look at things objectively and know how to take control of the situation when it's your own personal issue and something that impacts so strongly on your self-confidence.

I think I titled the thread 'I hate love' because I begrudge it in others, it makes me feel inadequate and short-changed - to be this age, no different from any girl I know in the looks, personality, prospects etc category and to be left out of such an important life event. These are the years I should be having relationships, dating, falling in and out of love and getting my heart broken! It almost feels unnatural that it's not happening for me - on a biological as well as social level - and yet I've fallen into a state of independence, self reliance and maybe even isolation that seems like it's now my natural state.

The sex thing is definitely a confidence issue - I fall into the trap of getting physical early on because A. most of these guys I'm meeting I've kissed on a night out etc and B. I don't really have the confidence in myself to believe they'll stick around, when experience has taught me the opposite is true. And a possible C...to sound crude, I'm just downright horny after no action for a while, it's not like I'm doing this on a regular basis!

I gave a half-hearted attempt to online dating a year or two ago - the unpaid sites like POF etc - but like I said, half-hearted, more out of curiosity than want of meeting somebody and again, a lot of guys interested in just one thing. Either that or guys who were all-talk but no action when it came to taking the next step and actually meeting up.

And I'm perfectly aware how dumb it is to expect some beautiful and meaningful relationship to flourish out of a drunken kiss with a randomer in a dark corner of a pub but like I said...closet romantic...!!..and I'm not sure what alternatives I have. My hobbies don't seem to lend themselves to opportunity in this respect - I'm quite career-minded and outside of work it's gym, reading and writing a lot and I don't get a lot of spare time to join clubs, start evening courses etc outside of that.

I agree with the poster who said that friendships over shared interests should be the way forward and when I think about it, I have very few male friends and those that I do have are either gay or in relationships. I'm very much a girl's girl, loads of girl friends and I've always grown up surrounded predominantly by women, in school and at home. Maybe I just need to get comfortable in the company of the opposite sex for starters.

Thanks again for reading and understanding. It helps just to write it all down.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
Totally know where you're coming from. Just to give you my own story: Personally I have had low self-esteem, and low confidence for years (I'm 29 now). i had counselling and am well on the way to building on that. I have never been in a relationship, and like you it gets me down a lot. I have my days when i'm ok, (post counselling), and I know it has never been my fault that I had no confidence (due to childhood, school days), I am where I am, and it is never too late to get going in that area. Although I am very impatient, I cannot stop being impatient!!
Recently, i met a guy a really clicked with felt there was massive potential, went on few dates, then it fizzled, he wants to go travelling, I think he was also bothered by how really shy we were around each other. Ok at times though. I think his uncomfortableness/shyness affected me and we were never relaxed enough to make it work. I think this guy has issues himself. I sensed it through stuff he said, his behaviour and reading through the lines that this guy has no confidence when it comes to girls. I actually think I met my twin in many many ways (too long to explain)!! He is 28. It made me think, that I'm not alone. You are not alone, they are plenty of us around. I'm a little upset since it ended/fizzled, and like you I look around at work etc, at friends and I get so annoyed because it seems soooo much easier for all of them to just fall into good relationships with really nice guys. But, you know, maybe our time will come.

For you, I do think you need to stop putting out so soon. Seriously the nice guys will wait and are not all sexed up the whole time. I think you also need to relax, smile when your'e out and look confortable in your own skin. I now this has worked for me a fair bit. I get a lot more attention now that I'm happier in myself and and giving out positive vibes. I guess at the end of the day, if you try to make yourself happy in your own skin, one of these days a nice guy will pick up on it, be attracted to you, make moves, and with some luck you will find yourself with some special.

Good luck!!!

John400

Bahhumbug, seems to me that you are looking to actually meet a genuinely decent guy, in fact the impression that i'm getting is that you're desperate to meet someone like that.

Quick question, are you in college or working? Is there say for instance anybody in work or other who you like?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I can completely understand your problem. I am in the same boat as you, early to mid twenties, have never been in a relationship. It is very disheartening, especially when I see almost ALL of my friends in long term relationships and the few that are single, have recently come out of a relationship, but I know that if they wanted they could easily find another relationship, when they feel ready to do that next.

Like you, it makes it all the more difficult when you feel that you have a lot to offer and there is really is no difference in you and your friends. Other people and guys frequently tell me on nights out that I am good looking, therefore it is not my looks that are the issue, but in a way this makes it more confusing! Does this mean that it is my personality so?! I have a good circle of friends. I believe that I have a good personality, I have a good sense of humour and am capable of discussing a wide range of topics. Often on nights out, guys I get talking to remark on how nice of a person I am and that I am not stuck up, unlike some of the girls they try to talk to on a night out.

People frequently ask me why am I single and why don't I have a boyfriend.....it’s like they think I must have some choice in this eternal single status...! I never know what to say, how do you explain to people that you are unable to find love, when the majority of the population seem to be or have been in a relationship at one point! Its getting embarrassing the older I get...

However, OP, I understand how you're feeling, it’s tough not getting to experience what is surely a universal human need and desire, to love and be loved, all the good parts that go with being in a couple...this time of the year really reminds us of what we can't have, for whatever reason....

miec

I hate love

Hi Op

The above says it all, when you project hate / cynicism, etc that is what you receive. I say this because I have attracted some of what you mentioned, because I was cynical or distrustful of love, the thing is when you are open to receiving love then it comes your way, when you close yourself off to it, it doesn't happen. You put barriers in the way. Reread your posts you will see that you do things half hearted, you expect guys to give you the runaround and guess what, that is what you will receive.

symbolic

Bahhumbug wrote: »

And I'm perfectly aware how dumb it is to expect some beautiful and meaningful relationship to flourish out of a drunken kiss with a randomer in a dark corner of a pub

Trust me, it can and does happen.

I'm another 26 year old guy who has never been in a relationship. I feel like my personality is incompatible with what women are interested in so have also believed I'd have to change who I am to attract someone. I mean, I work in computers and my biggest interests are technology and trains - hardly things that most women are interested in hearing about. I also don't drink either, don't like the taste of the stuff.

I have kissed a handful of girls and had a couple of awkward sexual experiences but I felt "dirty" about it as if I wasn't doing it right. Usually because she was someone I hadn't known for very long or didn't know too well.

Like the OP I also wish I could cuddle up to someone I love, not even doing anything in particular, just enjoying her company. I also begrudge others in relationships, I hate seeing happy couples holding hands in the street and/or public displays of affection, simply because I'm jealous that I've never experienced it. In recent times I've especially found myself unable to listen to the "special song" segment on the 2FM evening show where someone usually requests a smoochy song for their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm also the only one in my family who is still single, all my siblings are either married or hooked up.

In recent years it has been of my own doing, I've more or less given up and am cosy where I am, but cosy in the short term doesn't mean better in the long term. I live alone and have done so for the past three years.

I guess I'm just sharing my experience, another to add to the list! So yeah, I guess I'm hating love too.

LegacyUser

Hey

Me again. Thanks for all the insights. Honestly I'm sort of surprised but a little comforted that I'm not the only one. There's definitely a gap in the market around here for a Lonely Hearts forum... ;-)

Miec, you made a good point and it's something I've not really thought about before. I am outwardly totally jaded, cynical and fed up with the whole subject of love at this stage and I'm sure this is coming across when I meet guys. To be honest it's bloody hard not to be when you're surrounded by loved-up couples and watching them coming together all around you, I mean the need for intimacy and affection is pretty universal, isn't it? It's hard to be constantly just an observer when I have those same needs. But I suppose on some level it's probably some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I expect nothing and get nothing in return.

And I get those same 'why don't you have a boyfriend?' remarks from time to time too, lovely. It worries me that now on top of the permanently single status, I'll have the social pressure of trying to explain it to family, friends etc as I get older. I often wonder what they all think of my eternally single status. I haven't a clue.

To be honest, being open about this, albeit anonymously on a forum full of strangers, has felt like opening a can of worms because it's something I haven't dealt with and it's rooted in some big self-esteem issues that I've probably being trying to ignore. My self-esteem in general is shot right now for a myriad of reasons and it's something I just don't want to have to deal with, it's too much work! Sufficed to say I'm not exactly the most confident and comfortable person in the world right now and I'm trying to adjust to new surroundings and finding that quite difficult too.

I guess I'm not ready for love, but Jesus, when are you ever 'ready'? I feel like I've never been 'ready' and yet people with far more serious issues than me fall in and out of relationships every day. I think I've always made excuses for my lack of love life, 'it's because of X or Y', 'I need to change XYZ about myself'...but I'm sick of feeling I need to change. I just wish I knew how to open myself up. I think I'm a closed shop to be honest.

LegacyUser

I hear where you are coming from OP, and I'm going on 34!
I always am saying to myself "I'll be ready to meet someone when I sort out X, Y and Z in my life", and then when I have been out with people, after a few dates, I go "can't take this any further until I sort out X, Y and Z in my life."
But I think it's an excuse, as I'm going on 34, and I could be forever trying to sort out X, Y and Z....
I also half heartedly tried online dating, but never put in the effort required, and took a cynical approach to it...
I do think that I have to sort out things career wise, then I will be happy with myself, so will be able to open up to others. I think I am in the process of it now, but I often feel unless people see some kind of monetary success, then they think "you aren't doing well in life". Not saying that I go for women who want money, but I often feel, if I have a "good job", "nice enough car (not flash)", it would be a sign at my age, that I'm doing alright in life.
But whereas you have time on your side, most other people my age, are getting on with their lives and doing alright.
A lot of women I dated in the last 10 years have moved on, and all are married with kids etc. I have stayed the same, I haven't moved on. Though I have hopped from career to career, that would go some way to explaining why I am where I am....
Basically, my insecurities stop me from opening up.
Not sure if it's the same for you OP, but sounds like it is.
Other people posting on this thread seem to be early to mid 20s... Don't worry folks, you have lots of time!

miec

I feel like my personality is incompatible with what women are interested in so have also believed I'd have to change who I am to attract someone. I mean, I work in computers and my biggest interests are technology and trains - hardly things that most women are interested in hearing about. I also don't drink either, don't like the taste of the stuff.

I am curious, what do you believe women are interested in? We are not all shoppaholics, into soaps, celeb gossip, etc and even if we do like some of those things, there is a whole world of stuff out there that you can enjoy with a girlfriend. Do you like nature / music / books / current affairs? I am sure there is more to you than just computers and trains, besides, there are women into those things too. Another great way of connecting with people is asking questions or being interested in them (unless they bore you, then make a polite exit).

people with far more serious issues than me fall in and out of relationships every day.

Hi Op it is hard opening up and trusting, feck it I'm going through my own stuff at the moment too, having to adjust. As to your quote above, it is possible that those people with serious issues had pretty crappy relationships, which adds to their stuff. I was in a bad relationship and to be honest I was more lonely in it than out of it, we were living together as two people in a house not as a couple and that was very sad.

Like you I am on my own now, I don't like it, it is a universal thing that we want love and affection. The thing is no one can ever be fully perfect to meet someone else, I have realised that if I want to meet someone then I must do warts and all. I'll never be perfect, none of us will, nor will we have the perfect situation. I am convinced that by accepting yourself and seeing yourself as worthy of love and being open to it (taking risks) then it will happen. You're grand as you are and someone else will think that to if you give them a chance. That goes to everyone with the same problem, you are all grand as you are, be nice to yourself, don't nit pick over who you are. (I need to engrave this in my own brain as well whilst I'm at it.) Hope you all come back here saying I've met a lovely person whose company I enjoy. Good luck.

miec

miec wrote: »

I am curious, what do you believe women are interested in? We are not all shoppaholics, into soaps, celeb gossip, etc and even if we do like some of those things, there is a whole world of stuff out there that you can enjoy with a girlfriend. Do you like nature / music / books / current affairs? I am sure there is more to you than just computers and trains, besides, there are women into those things too. Another great way of connecting with people is asking questions or being interested in them (unless they bore you, then make a polite exit).

It's probably a self-esteem issue; it's my perception of what I believe others think. That, combined with the fact that pretty much any woman I know (either directly or through siblings) are the "go out and get sloshed" type. I've sometimes been invited out for drinking sessions but didn't drink myself. It's fine until they all get hammered and I'm the only one in the group who's not acting like a maniac. The last time I was out one of my brother's friends started poking at me and hugging me - she's an absolute stunner but it was the drink talking.

I love music but rarely discuss it as I've known a few smug metallers over the years who would rip into me when browsing my playlist. I'd listen to almost anything.

I would also have an interest in news/current affairs but have been ignoring it in recent times due to all the doom and gloom!

LegacyUser

bahhumbug wrote: »

Hi,

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve from this, maybe it's just a rant I need to get out of my system. Maybe I'm looking for a little bit of hope.

I've never been in love. I'm a mid-twenties female and my love life thus far has comprised a load of drunken kisses, a few one-night stands and the odd fling or two, generally when abroad. I'm a cynic, with self-confidence issues and no idea how to even act around lads I fancy and no notion of approaching or even making my interest apparent when it's there, and yet I hanker for someone special to love, to hold, to fall asleep beside, virtually every day of my life. A closet romantic, you might say.

I'm not particularly self-pitying, I mean I'm fully aware that I'm in this predicament because of my own actions/lack of action, but I don't know how to change and I don't want to live the rest of my life never experiencing love.

I'm not desperate, if anything I'm a little too attached to my independence and probably too used to being on my own. But I just hate this feeling that love is something that happens to other people, that it's off-limits for me because I'm never the girl that guys fall for. I know logically that it makes no sense - I'm a good person, good company, good in social situations, intelligent, always up for a laugh and definitely not bad looking. I just don't know how to change myself, to open my mind or to open my heart or whatever it is I need to do to put myself in with a chance.

Every time I meet a guy it invariably ends up being a physical relationship only, that lasts either one night or a few weeks and eventually fizzles. If I'm not putting out within the first few encounters, the texts stop and the interest diminishes. Sure, I'm meeting the wrong guys, going to the wrong places, but how do I meet the right ones?

I suppose this is now becoming a PI for me because I'm finding myself begrudging others for their happy relationships, not comprehending how couples get together and fall in love and becoming a little bit bitter about it. Sometimes it feels like the world has paired off and I've been left out in the cold. It's no fun feeling this way, especially at Christmas time, with loved up couples on every corner, friends harping on about what to get the OH and innumerous cheesy Christmas movies all over the TV!! And it's not who I am - this bitter, jealous scrooge that can't bear to see happiness in others. I guess it's just a projection of my own frustration.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant. I'd just love to hear from others who may be going through the same thing. Thanks for reading.

i am using someone elses pc and will be leaving here soon so i have to be quick
i am a guy almost twice your age. have been in a few relationships but alone now and often suffered from the fact that the people who fancy me i do not hancy and vice versa. i do not like being on the outside of groups of couples never did and except for few friends including the owner of this pc have become reclusive and would not put myself in situation where there would be couples. am also angry at women for percieved rejection and do not want to be 'friends' with them. i am very close to my last gf as friends and we keep in touch and can really talk. i would love if me and her had worked out but i felt we were better as friends. she has a bf now and i am happy for her, she calls often.

someone wrote about not wanting to listen to radio love songs. i am a bit like that with movies i do not like movies with a love sex plotline or sub plot.

i am also on a long term illness and would not want the girl to know that as i would not want sympathy. but how would i explain not haveing large income for social life . Thats easier nowadays tho! I have reaaly nice house and live alone, have nice car. i love to read non fiction and am interested in lots of things. i love films with exception of previous types of film mentioned. i have in a way given up and lead solitary life except for one or two goodfriends

LegacyUser

What really frustrates me or gets me down is when people say "I can't believe you're single" or "you could go out and get any woman".

Well....no, I obviously can't, or else I'd be with someone now.....

To the OP, how would define "being in love"... I don't know myself.
Have you found that sometimes in the past you had sexual chemistry with someone, but you couldn't really bear hanging around with them?

Or the other way around, you meet someone and get on great, but there's no physical attraction.

The key is getting both, someone you are attracted to mentally and physically? Isn't that love?

For example, and pardon my example, I would think that if I was with someone, and everytime I saw her or met her or whatever , I would be thinking "God, I'd love to just go straight to bed with you now. Let's go home...". Should that be there first before the intellectual attraction takes place??? Does that then give you a chance of falling in love.
To me, it would be, but I think it's impossible to find. As , at my age, 33+, every woman who fits that description is well taken....But maybe not.....

LegacyUser

Exact same boat OP...26 year old female...eternally single. I had my first boyfriend last year which only lasted a few months. I was devastated when it ended and since I now know what im missing out on when it comes to relationships, I feel even worse.
I genuinely don't think there is anything wrong with me so i cant understand why it just doesnt happen for me.
I have a few friends in the exact same boat and it really gets us all down:(
Sorry i cant be of more help in offering advice OP but I hope knowing youre not the only one provides some comfort.
Hope 2011 brings us all more luck cos sometimes I think that's all its about!

nimrodsson

Have you ever thought that you might, deep down, not actually want a relationship? And because of the relationship-centric world we live in (the pressure to be in a relationship is everywhere - from magazine, tv, and society's general presumption that you will 'settle down' and have kids) that you might be feeling badly because you don't have something that apparently you SHOULD have.

I hate this general presumption - like
'Are you married? No? - ok, when you're married....",
"When you reach my age, and are married...."

This kind of sh!t is everywhere - a presumption that one day you'll be like everyone else, living in mundane suburbia with a spouse and kids!

I've never had a desire for a relationship and i'm early 30s. I've also never had a relationship - bar a fling or two - and i'm really happy with that. Its just something i never think about - in fact, i never even realised the rest of the world is obsessed with them until a couple of years ago!

Anyway, i'm just saying, maybe you don't need one - and the societal pressure - direct and indirect - is so much, that you never thought about it like that before.

If you did really want a relationship though, your independence probably is a barrier. A well known theorist said (name can't recall) that love is essentially a selfish thing. Its all about meeting needs. Its not about loving the person for who the are - its whether they meet your needs, you love them for meeting your needs. And if you meet their needs too, then bingo.

That's why insecure people so often fall head over heels in dramatic affairs of the heart. That's why peoples of my parents generation are married so long - because they couldn't get out of it (societal norms etc) so what they had to do was improvise. So when the first stage of their relationship ended they had to reinvent themselves, and find out what needs the other now had, and try and meet them again (if it was today, they would have simply just split up) and thats how people of that generation carried on. So 'love' is essentially selfishness.

Anyway, the point is, if you are very independent - you probably have very few needs to be met - hence there isn't huge room for a partner. So maybe find out what needs you do have (apart from wanting to be 'loved' etc) - find out what needs, selfish needs, you really need to be met... and then you're half way there to knowing what kind of man would meet them. And then you can fall in "love"! You might think i'm cynical.... i'm totally convinced thats how it all works! I mean, even the physical things with guys... it went physical so quickly because thats the only need you really had to be met- that is, sexual fulfillment. You were obviously so independent that, despite yourself, you had not other needs to be met by them... and so it fizzles.

While each to their own.. and i guess everyone has their needs, but that is the reason i've never been in a relationship - because i don't need the other person. I might want them occasionally, but don't need them.

LegacyUser

nimroddson, would you like to be alone when you are 50?
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that if so, but I would like to be with someone, hopefully by the time I'm 40. As I mentioned previously, I'm going on 34, but I can't see it happening anytime soon.

Not sure if the OP wants to be in love because everyone else is either. I think she just wanted to know why she wasn't meeting potential partners etc.

I would feel the same. I don't feel I have to be with someone because everyone else is, but I would like the possibility at least to give it a shot....

I do have a fear of ending up alone. Worse again, I have a fear that I'll meet someone and she'll give me the road a few years down the line, and I find myself single again in my 40s. If that happened, I don't know if I could be bothered starting again trying to meet someone, I'd accept my fate...

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the continued responses. It's a little overwhelming to see how many people feel the same, as I've felt so isolated with this situation for so long. Hopefully we can all learn something from each other!

I'd like to address this last post by Nimrodsson if I may, as it raises a lot of interesting points and it's made me really stop and think for a second.

A few times over the years I've considered the fact that maybe I'm just not a relationship person, maybe I'm 'too independent', but to be honest ultimately I think that's bullsh1t. I've always been self-sufficient, that was my nature even as a kid, but the conclusion I've sort of drawn about myself is that I've never learned how to compromise, how to open up and thereby make myself vulnerable to hurt and pain and heartbreak and the worst, rejection. I definitely have a massive fear of rejection and I think all of these are massive driving forces working against me.

While I find it interesting and eye-opening, I don't really agree with your theory on love being 'selfishness' either. I think beyond the fireworks, the lightening bolt i.e sexual and intellectual attraction, in the long-run it mainly is about compromise, sacrifice and commitment - not suiting yourself all the time, doing things you don't feel like doing etc. General traits that I am somewhat lacking in, if I'm honest. It's sort of a chicken-or-egg scenario for me, but I'm so used to doing my own thing, putting myself first and not factoring others into my decision-making that I think I'd fall at the first hurdle of a relationship. I don't think I'm horribly selfish and self-absorbed as such, I'm a good friend and daughter, sister etc, I've just never had a significant other such as a partner to think about.

That's probably why in the day-to-day runnings of things, I don't think I'd look or act like someone who's actively looking for a partner.

So I guess that suggests that my actions are at odds with my innermost desires, and I'm sure that's not helping either. Unless I stumble across an attractive mind-reader!

Your post has made me think about the flings etc I've had in a different way though, maybe there's an element of truth to what you wrote about my needs not being beyond something sexual. I'm damn sure I've had days where I've just needed to get laid and went out and did exactly that.

In all honesty though I've never had an emotional relationship with a guy in my life, it's just been a slow stream of flings with expiration dates, fcuk buddies and one night stands.

But moreso I think I get laid and then I don't know how to take things further, I assume all they want is the sex and nothing more, or I become unsure of my feelings (usually if the guy seems overly interested in something more I lose interest...??), or the guy loses interest and it just fizzles.

I don't need a man for practical reasons, I mean I've lived 25 years of my life without one and have done fairly alright. But I need affection, intimacy, sex, someone to just come home to, that emotional bond and security blanket as much as the next person...that much I'm sure of. I've just adapted to life without it for the most part.

LegacyUser

bahhumbug wrote: »

.....But I need affection, intimacy, sex, someone to just come home to, that emotional bond and security blanket as much as the next person...that much I'm sure of. I've just adapted to life without it for the most part.

That's it in a nutshell. But I feel it would be important to never settle for someone to fill the above criteria just because you felt it was time to...

anewme

I agree with you all. I am 40 (look younger) female, own house, ok job, nice car and am reasonably financially secure. I am quite shy and do not like being put in positions where I am obviously "set up" with someone, despite the best intentions of my friends.

I had two long term relationships, both over 10 years which ended badly, so am nervous about entering back into the fray because basically I dont trust people. I know I have to change, but it is how to force myself to do that so I avoid it?

I often get the same (how is somone like you single, but I am). I am strong and independent but would love someone there for me sometimes (example when 2 men tried to break into my house with me inside) I am tired being the strong one and there for everyone else, but no one there for me.

Sorry for the rant, it is good to know there are other people out there in same boat!

miec

If you did really want a relationship though, your independence probably is a barrier. A well known theorist said (name can't recall) that love is essentially a selfish thing. Its all about meeting needs. Its not about loving the person for who the are:mad: - its whether they meet your needs, you love them for meeting your needs. And if you meet their needs too, then bingo.

That's why insecure people so often fall head over heels in dramatic affairs of the heart. That's why peoples of my parents generation are married so long - because they couldn't get out of it (societal norms etc) so what they had to do was improvise. So when the first stage of their relationship ended they had to reinvent themselves, and find out what needs the other now had, and try and meet them again (if it was today, they would have simply just split up) and thats how people of that generation carried on. So 'love' is essentially selfishness.

Anyway, the point is, if you are very independent - you probably have very few needs to be met - hence there isn't huge room for a partner. So maybe find out what needs you do have (apart from wanting to be 'loved' etc) - find out what needs, selfish needs, you really need to be met... and then you're half way there to knowing what kind of man would meet them. And then you can fall in "love"!

Sorry but this is woeful advice, to be honest I was close to banging my head off the computer table. Love, that is genuine love, is not about meeting / creating needs, that is something else.

Loving a person is about accepting them as they are, warts and all. If it was about needs and being needy, every needy man and woman on this planet would be loved up and having a ball. Most healthy minded people run away from needy people.

I do concur though that there is a pressure for people to be in relationships but there are some people who choose and happily live alone. At the moment I am in that space, I need to be alone.

For others they want to be in a relationship and have that emotional bond. The other thing that brings on the urge to tear my hair out is the whole bloody age thing. I wish people would give up the idea that by 40 they want to be settled and that in their mid 30s it might never happen. It can happen at any time. I'll give a few examples.
1) someone I know met the love of her life at 40, got married and is very content with them.
2) another woman who was 70 at the time, widowed three years after a difficult marriage, met and is now engaged to a lovely man, travelling and having a ball.

There are scores and scores of these examples, the only issue a woman has with the age thing is that she may become too old to have a child. If you are looking for love, please know it can come at any time. The thing is it is about being open to it, knowing you are worth loving, seeing yourself as lovable. I am a great believer that when your inner world is good, the outer world reflects it.

nimrodsson

canidwithop wrote: »

nimroddson, would you like to be alone when you are 50?

Liking has nothing to do with it. It doesn't occur to ever want/need a relationship no. I'd hardly enter one now (providing i could click my fingers etc etc )because i'd afraid i'd be 'alone' in twenty years time! One would only pose a question like that to themselves if they wanted a relationship now and in the future. Since i don't, i don't.

miec wrote: »

Sorry but this is woeful advice, to be honest I was close to banging my head off the computer table. Love, that is genuine love, is not about meeting / creating needs, that is something else.

Well its not advice - it was an expression of opinion while just giving some general thoughts to the OP on relationships etc. You disagree with me which is fine - i vehemently disagree with you. I won't paste it here - as this is not the place for a debate - but the sixth paragraph of this article, sums up, in my opinion what love actually is (i know nothing about the source, just found it after giving a quick google) Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with love - as long as it make the actors involved, happy. And being happy is great.

Anyway, thats all by the by stuff - Bahumbug - i'm delighted, whether you agreed or disagreed or not, that my and other posts made you think - sure if anything, it gets you one step closer to sorting what it is you actually want.


That said, you are immensely articulate and seem to know your issues better than anyone - there doesn't seem to be any teasing out needed - you are very aware of yourself. You have given everything a lot of thought, thought it through very well in fact, and your brain knows exactly where you stand. Which maybe means, as someone once said to me, you need to think less and feel more. Let your feeling inform your thoughts, not your thoughts inform your feelings. Think about it! Best of luck!

prickleberry

I'm a 19 year old male and know i have my whole life ahead of me but right this moment ya i do absolutely hate love and how has affected me. I love the idea of love and having someone to come home to, someone to spoil and someone just to cuddle up to and feel safe, it's only natural, we all need affection. I have been left heartbroken by so called "players" who have intimacy issues and run a mile once the word commitment makes an appearance. These ppl had one thing in common of course, they were all very self sufficient and never felt the need to be with anyone else, they were just in it for the sex and that was it.

I used to be one of those tough people who would never get hurt, who would never let anyone into my heart, but then I did and it went horribly wrong. Of course this is just life and it happens. I do find though now that I'm far more vulnerable and no way as tough as i used to be, i'm far more sensitive which apparently is attractive to women. I just feel so far in my life, love has caused nothing but problem after problem and i'm finding it really hard to really see any point in it. But looking at the bigger picture I know my day will come when i meet someone who makes me happy and love will finally begin to have a positive effect on my life, it happens for everyone and i for one can't wait.

killerking

bahhumbug wrote: »

Hi,

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve from this, maybe it's just a rant I need to get out of my system. Maybe I'm looking for a little bit of hope.

I've never been in love. I'm a mid-twenties female and my love life thus far has comprised a load of drunken kisses, a few one-night stands and the odd fling or two, generally when abroad. I'm a cynic, with self-confidence issues and no idea how to even act around lads I fancy and no notion of approaching or even making my interest apparent when it's there, and yet I hanker for someone special to love, to hold, to fall asleep beside, virtually every day of my life. A closet romantic, you might say.

I'm not particularly self-pitying, I mean I'm fully aware that I'm in this predicament because of my own actions/lack of action, but I don't know how to change and I don't want to live the rest of my life never experiencing love.

I'm not desperate, if anything I'm a little too attached to my independence and probably too used to being on my own. But I just hate this feeling that love is something that happens to other people, that it's off-limits for me because I'm never the girl that guys fall for. I know logically that it makes no sense - I'm a good person, good company, good in social situations, intelligent, always up for a laugh and definitely not bad looking. I just don't know how to change myself, to open my mind or to open my heart or whatever it is I need to do to put myself in with a chance.

Every time I meet a guy it invariably ends up being a physical relationship only, that lasts either one night or a few weeks and eventually fizzles. If I'm not putting out within the first few encounters, the texts stop and the interest diminishes. Sure, I'm meeting the wrong guys, going to the wrong places, but how do I meet the right ones?

I suppose this is now becoming a PI for me because I'm finding myself begrudging others for their happy relationships, not comprehending how couples get together and fall in love and becoming a little bit bitter about it. Sometimes it feels like the world has paired off and I've been left out in the cold. It's no fun feeling this way, especially at Christmas time, with loved up couples on every corner, friends harping on about what to get the OH and innumerous cheesy Christmas movies all over the TV!! And it's not who I am - this bitter, jealous scrooge that can't bear to see happiness in others. I guess it's just a projection of my own frustration.

Anyway. Sorry for the rant. I'd just love to hear from others who may be going through the same thing. Thanks for reading.

You refuse to be a doormat. Good for you.

You don't want to just settle for a man just because you are lonely?

A lot of young women end up in long term relationships with men who are hopeless in love with them while the women feel perpetually underwhelmed emotionally and sexually. A lot of women are not even attracted to the men who are their boyfriends and husbands and the sex is a boring weekly chore especially when they have had kids.

Romantic love is a myth.

Relationships fall apart because they take endless repair work to stop from fraying pieces. People fall in and out of love all the time and cheating is far more common than anyone is prepared to admit. When couples marry or have kids it doesn't necessarily bring them together. Many parents regret even having kids and when couples are elderly they often cannot even stand each other.

So enjoy yourself for as long as you possibly can when you are young, you have your looks and you don't have bawling babies and grumpy teenagers to look after.

If you choose to remain a spinster for the rest of your life, don't regret it. A man can take a woman's freedom and self-esteem away because men tend to dominate relationships and control women. Many women have a Thelma & Louise fantasy about just taking off.

So don't feel so bad. Faraway fields look greener.

JonathanAnon

bahhumbug wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the continued responses. It's a little overwhelming to see how many people feel the same, as I've felt so isolated with this situation for so long. Hopefully we can all learn something from each other!

tbh OP, you sound like an intelligent person.. your posts are well written, honest and you seem genuine.. I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself though.. you can make certain things happen in life... i.e. get a qualification, run an good time for the mile etc etc... but you cant make romance happen... And I think the more you push the issue the less likely it is to happen.

I would just like to wish you good luck, and tell you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself... usually the less you push for something, the more likely it is to happen... Sounds superstitious I know, but that's my experience..