Advice / Opinions Wanted

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 7:09pm #1

Evening Lads/Ladies,

Just looking for some advice,opinions, etc etc.
Ill get straight to the facts, and all honesty so there can be no confusion.

My age :28 Girlfriend age : 30

In a relationship about 2 years.
Looked for house ideal for kids, schools etc found it.
Moved in with girlfriend + her two kids in may.
Nice house all mod cons, big gardens etc.
Roughly 50 miles each way from my work.

Shortly there after , all seemed to be going well, then small hints, pressure etc came from girlfriend, about engagement.

I felt it was too soon, although we had been dating for two years, due to my work, it was mostly seeing each other at weekends, and non consistent , due to me having to work weekends at short notice.

I responded with, that I wasn't in a position to want to get engaged just now.
Pressure continued, and eventually magnified.

I said, that we could go look at rings etc, until I get a view of the situation, both emotionally and financially.

When looking at rings, I still wasn't comfortable, and still felt it was too soon.

I expressed this and was met with tears, however at the time ( or so I thought ) a respect for my wishes, due to the fact that I wasn't ready.

That was August.

Fast forward to Now. Christmas week.

Constant fighting, bitterness etc.

Girlfriend, has accused me of wanting to leave and not wanting to be with her.
Has accused me, that her feelings don't matter in the situation and that I am just being a selfish *******. Then accused me of seeing someone else , this is untrue, for one I dont have the time, leave at 6,30am get back 7.00pm or later from work, plus I would not do that kind of thing.
Has accused me of playing with her feelings, breaking her heart and doing it purpose, most recently earlier today, something came out, which led me to believe my suspicions that she is very insecure when she said : Your going to leave me like everyone else.

Now although I mentioned "Fast forward to Now", the fighting etc, has been going on and off for a few weeks, I have tried to talk to her, and still do, and sometimes I feel we are making some kind of ground up, to even be on a proper talking basis, she seems to talk what I have said, and twist it to suit her own means. Then she keeps saying I am moving out, when clearly I'm not, then she threatens to move out. Currently she is sleeping in the spare room, to as she says : give me peace .

I will admit, that this kind of fighting every day, all day , and especially when home from work, does drag me down, and when I trying to my best to make some kind of bridge towards her, its teared down. This does indeed, fray my temper and makes me feel , well what is the point, to this end I said that and I got : See you have made up your mind , you are leaving me .

I fully understand, that I have hurt her feelings, and I have apologized for it, numerous times. I understand, that everything cant be fixed overnight, but i seem to be the only one trying and she is just looking for a fight.

In one breath she blames me, then in another she blames herself.

Biggest issue I have with this at the moment in the short term.
I am indeed close with her children, they are 6 + 9
Obviously they are looking forward to presents, christmas day etc.
Now they know something is wrong, not what obviously.
I am now worried this will ruin their xmas, as I am unsure if they have has a proper "family" christmas , at least that they can remember.

And the other issue, starting the new year on a foothold situation that we are in, is no good thing.

Im not sure what I am looking for, from you guys, just some opinions, I guess.

Thank you

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 9:21pm

Was there NO mention at all of progressing things when ye were going househunting?
Was it something that was brought up before ye moved in together- ie: where is this going, is there a future?
Would it be the worst thing in the world to get engaged? Rings can cost as much or as little as you can afford, it's not the size/cost of the thing, it's the sentiment behind it. There's nothing stopping you having a longer engagement to save up for the big day. Would it not be worth taking a leap of faith?
All this was first mooted in May, so you've had 6 months to think over it. Er, how much more time do you need?!
No-ones' relationship is judged by how much time they've spent together over that 2year period. It's the quality of the little time they can spend together. Ignoring recent turbulence, I'm assuming that quality time justified ye moving in together& you having a huge commute? Main thing is, don't let the last few months cloud your judgement of what you have in this relationship. Equally, you must make your decision- I want to commit to this girl/family or I don't- or the relationship is doomed.
By saying nothing, you're saying everything.

midlandsmissus · 20-12-2010 10:03pm

She needs counselling. I don't know how you'd broach it with her though, maybe suggest you go for counselling together?

Seriously she has rejection issues, which can really affect you.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 10:03pm

I can see where your girlfriend is coming from. You moved in with each other (and her kids). Why did a proposal not follow? You're living with each other, so the only difference marriage would make would be to stop the arguments.

Your girlfriend's reaction to it however is far from adult. And in reality, marriage should've been discussed before the two of you moved in together.

From the outside, it looks like you're using your work as an excuse to not get married. At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. Dig deep down and see if there's another reason apart from work that's stopping you from marrying her. If it's a big enough reason, then you'll have to end the relationship (your girlfriend wants to get married, so there's no point in maintaining the relationship if you don't want the same)

good luck, I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide

Zen65 · 20-12-2010 11:02pm

Times_Likes_These wrote: »

I responded with, that I wasn't in a position to want to get engaged just now.

Evening Op,

That's a long post, and it's clear throughout that you don't feel ready for marriage.

But it's not at all clear about what it is you want. Do you envisage life as a married man at any stage, or do you consider that you should just try to string out the status quo for as long as you can?

If you feel not ready now, what do you think you will need to be ready?

A different job?

A different partner?

More partners?

Do you think there comes a point in your life where you wake up with an urge to get wed, which lets you know you're ready?

I'm not suggesting that you need to get off your rear end and propose. That's not a mature response. I'm suggesting you need to have a more honest and meaningful answer than "I'm not ready". If you can explain it to yourself, then you can explain it to her. She's 30, with two kids, so even though right now it seems she's acting out like a teenager, the fact is that she's an adult, and needs an adult answer from you. "I'm not ready" is not an answer, it's an excuse.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 11:08pm

With the work commitments, how long would you forecast you'd need to spend with her before you decide? I know couples who only see each other every couple of weeks due to living in different counties& countries, but have managed to get engaged& are planning the big day. You're dodging here, be honest. It's not necessary to live in each others ears to "get your head around things". No wonder she feels like she's jumping through hoops

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 11:10pm

unregistered wrote: »

I can see where your girlfriend is coming from. You moved in with each other (and her kids). Why did a proposal not follow? You're living with each other, so the only difference marriage would make would be to stop the arguments.

Your girlfriend's reaction to it however is far from adult. And in reality, marriage should've been discussed before the two of you moved in together.

From the outside, it looks like you're using your work as an excuse to not get married. At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. Dig deep down and see if there's another reason apart from work that's stopping you from marrying her. If it's a big enough reason, then you'll have to end the relationship (your girlfriend wants to get married, so there's no point in maintaining the relationship if you don't want the same)

good luck, I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide

Eh, he has been seeing her for about 2 years. The vast majority of people are in relationships for alot longer than 2 years before they get married, even more so these days. The reason being that you only really start to know what a person is like after at least 2 years together.

The gf is acting ridiculous. Demanding he propose to her after 2 years of a relationship. If she has acted like this with other men in the past I can see why they left her. Fair play to the OP for giving it a shot with her in the first place as a lot of guys would turn and run if faced with a situation of mother with two children. The gf needs to cop on and realise how lucky she is to have him and not be forcing him into proposing.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 11:18pm

keep up with this and you'll succeed in saboutaging this relationship...as I suspect is your plan. then you'll blame it all on her for being emotional& rowing all the time, because after all, you'll have said nothing to incriminate yourself- only that you need more time. meantime she's been eaten away with insecurity- created by you, by not being honest& giving plausible reasons for stalling- and flares up.
if the relationship had been otherwise grand, which it must have been for you to be happy to move in with her, whats the big issue with formalising things? i think you WANT the rows to continue to give you your excuse to blame the breakup on her. Man up.

The Sweeper · 21-12-2010 12:58am

What's stopping you from getting engaged?

Because that's what this is about really. If you don't have an established objection to marriage on some fundamental grounds, then there's obviously some reason you don't want to tie yourself to your partner - and she can detect that a mile off.

Setun · 21-12-2010 10:30am

Maybe he just doesn't want to be pressured into getting engaged? Shouldn't it be a romantic gesture, and not the inevitable "thing to do" shortly after you've moved in with the OH? She clearly has issues from previous relationships either with ex-boyfriends or her family situation, and she needs to sort them out. How would she react to the suggestion of counselling OP?

LegacyUser · 21-12-2010 10:34am

To be honest I am confused by your post. You move in with a woman and her two children, where on earth did you think this relationship was heading? Did you ever discuss the future before moving in together. If you weren't ready for commitment you maybe should have flagged that up to her before moving in because to me moving in together, especially when there are children involved, would be a huge commitment. Clearly this women sees a future with you, otherwise she wouldn't have let you become so involved with her and her children. You really need to think about where you want this to go. Can you see yourself married to her and being a father? Because if not you need to let them go now to lessesn the devastation you will cause if you wait a few years and then leave.

kayos · 21-12-2010 12:14pm

Some of the unreggie comments here are just crazy... wonder would the IP be the same for them?

sadgdg wrote: »

Was there NO mention at all of progressing things when ye were going househunting?
Was it something that was brought up before ye moved in together- ie: where is this going, is there a future?
Would it be the worst thing in the world to get engaged? Rings can cost as much or as little as you can afford, it's not the size/cost of the thing, it's the sentiment behind it. There's nothing stopping you having a longer engagement to save up for the big day. Would it not be worth taking a leap of faith?

Marriage should not be a leap of faith. It is a commitment to the person you love and want to share your life with. How often do couples rush into a marriage just to be divorced in a couple of years or months? It is a big step and a big decission to make and should not be done as a leap of faith.

unregistered wrote: »

I can see where your girlfriend is coming from. You moved in with each other (and her kids). Why did a proposal not follow? You're living with each other, so the only difference marriage would make would be to stop the arguments.

Moving in together and proposal do not go hand in hand. Proposing is not the solution to arguements. In fact arguements are pushing the likelyhood of a proposal futher away.

workshyeh wrote: »

With the work commitments, how long would you forecast you'd need to spend with her before you decide? I know couples who only see each other every couple of weeks due to living in different counties& countries, but have managed to get engaged& are planning the big day. You're dodging here, be honest. It's not necessary to live in each others ears to "get your head around things". No wonder she feels like she's jumping through hoops

Every coulpe is different. Where they live, how much they see each other etc does not mean a engagement will come any quicker. A propsoal of marriage is made when both partners in the relationship feel it is the right thing to do.

keep continuing wrote: »

keep up with this and you'll succeed in saboutaging this relationship...as I suspect is your plan. then you'll blame it all on her for being emotional& rowing all the time, because after all, you'll have said nothing to incriminate yourself- only that you need more time. meantime she's been eaten away with insecurity- created by you, by not being honest& giving plausible reasons for stalling- and flares up.
if the relationship had been otherwise grand, which it must have been for you to be happy to move in with her, whats the big issue with formalising things? i think you WANT the rows to continue to give you your excuse to blame the breakup on her. Man up.

No if the OP's partner continues like she is the sabotage will be carried out by herself and she will have no one to blame but herself. The OP has said nothing to incriminate himself because not feeling ready for marriage is something that is not his fault. Again marriage is a big step not one to be entered into blindly and without being sure. Her words of "Your going to leave me like everyone else." well if everyone else leaves her in the same manner maybe the problem is not with everyone else....

The OP's partner is insecure. Her insurituies are created by herself. If she can not accept that not being ready for marriage or not wanting to be pushed into it does not mean he is leaving her or doesnt love her etc. That is her issue to deal with.

What is with this idea that marraige is just about signing a piece of paper and making the living arrangements formal? Its a much bigger deal than that. The OP is manning up enough not to be pushed to marry for the sake of a quiter life and no arguements. He is man enough to say no I dont think I'm ready yet.

Wompa1 · 21-12-2010 12:57pm

Just my opinion but unlike others I don't see why a proposal has to come after moving in with the lady. It sounds like she is extremely insecure and is now trying to emotionally manipulate you into a proposal. If she does this over an engagement what else might she act this way around? Maybe you need to think about what is best for you? It's nice and all that you like her kids but they can't be your only reason for staying put. And it looks like you have an ultimatum, propose or else she will keep up with her sh!tty behaviour.

Also you should talk to her about burying the hatchet for the kids for x-mas at least.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser · 21-12-2010 1:13pm

rrrrtttr wrote: »

Eh, he has been seeing her for about 2 years. The vast majority of people are in relationships for alot longer than 2 years before they get married, even more so these days. The reason being that you only really start to know what a person is like after at least 2 years together.

Eh, they've moved in together. That's a huge commitment. Getting married is just one more step. It's natural for the girlfriend to think that marriage will come next, it's not some weird fantasy land she's living in.

Your advice about what his girlfriend is like is way over the top. It's quite obvious you don't want to ever get married by the tone of your post, doesn't mean the OP feels the same way. It's his decision to make. Bringing the 'desperate girlfriend waiting to get married' stereotype into the argument just shows how little life experience you actually have.

curlzy · 21-12-2010 1:34pm

WOW, some of the responses here are mad!!!! I'm going out with my bf 4 years now and we don't want to get married until we're at least 33ish, we've discussed it and both feel we want to wait until all our travelling and shenanigans are done with before we get married/mortgaged etc. We're not getting engaged yet either. Personally I think that if you need to be engaged/married to feel comfortable then there's something wrong with you, insecurities etc.

OP, I really would reconsider this relationship, if your gf is willing to wreck your head to this extent to get engaged than imagine what she'll be like when you're married!!!! Yeah you like her kids etc but I've been there and done that, broke up with the father and I came out of it ok and the kid involved did too. You need to put yourself first here and I just don't see how being with a manipulating whinger will lead to you being happy in the long run. Life is too short for this kinda crap.

common sense brigade · 21-12-2010 2:46pm

Look I can only give you the average womans point of view.
The average woman wants to get engaged. Get married. And have kids.
These are the 3 magical moments in a womans life (Im generalising so please guys on here dont jump down my throat)
If you go by my logic, then from her point of view she is not going to look forward to an engagement or marriage with you, the man she loves.
If you love someone what is so scary about making them have a huge smile and making them happy with an engagement .
I completely see that she has over reacted and is treating you badly. She is indeed insecure and has herself tied up in knots thinking you dont love her. She probably hates herself right now and is also scared crapless your leaving her. But also has her pride and cant back down either.
Look Im not saying you have to get engaged. Im just saying if you love her, give it some serious thought. Its not too late. You could propose with a cheesy ring and shop for the real ring in the new year.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2010 2:51pm

curlzy wrote: »

WOW, some of the responses here are mad!!!! I'm going out with my bf 4 years now and we don't want to get married until we're at least 33ish,

You've discussed it yeah? Or did you move in together and then decide to talk about it, and suddenly realise that you don't have the same vision of your future?

The OP likes his girlfriend enough to move in with her (and her children). In my view, moving in and living with someone is a far bigger commitment than getting married, so I don't understand why he's dragging his feet about something that would be the natural next step.

curlzy · 21-12-2010 3:02pm

common sense brigade wrote: »

If you love someone what is so scary about making them have a huge smile and making them happy with an engagement .

Are you serious???? Getting engaged and married to make someone smile?? O M G. Also please don't say that "that there are 3 magical moments in a woman's life" sweet jesus, are you talking to us from the 1950s???!!! "Women want to get engaged, married and have kids", I mean come on, that may be what you want but please don't put all women in that box with you, TBH those are the things I want least in life right now and if my bf asked me to marry him to make him smile and feel secure I'd run a f*cking mile!!!!:rolleyes:

common sense brigade · 21-12-2010 3:04pm

Are you serious???? Getting engaged and married to make someone smile?? O M G. Also please don't say that "that there are 3 magical moments in a woman's life" sweet jesus, are you talking to us from the 1950s???!!! "Women want to get engaged, married and have kids", I mean come on, that may be what you want but please don't put all women in that box with you, TBH those are the things I want least in life right now and if my bf asked me to marry him to make him smile and feel secure I'd run a f*cking mile!!!!

I said i was speaking in general terms. Look your clearly very happy in your own relationship where you have set out that you want to get engaged at 33-ish or whatever. Hope it all works out how you have planned. I am merely just giving an opinion. And whats wrong with getting engaged to make your other half happy. If your both in love and good together whats the issue.

common sense brigade · 21-12-2010 3:08pm

please don't put all women in that box with you

Dont worry i wont. I have career, Husband own home and baby. Also have travelled all over together and never missed out on anything. I am fully independant always have been. Also my husband proposed after 6 months , it was so romantic. Im glad I have lived life and have many crazy mad happy romantic memories and not a boring planned out lifeplan

aidan24326 · 21-12-2010 3:35pm

common sense brigade wrote: »

The average woman wants to get engaged. Get married. And have kids.
These are the 3 magical moments in a womans life (Im generalising so please guys on here dont jump down my throat)

That's hilarious!

Anyway OP your girlfriend sounds a bit of a drama queen tbh. If the two of you are happy and settled together what's the rush? She's obviously a bit insecure and needs to get that ring on her finger to know she has you bagged.

Equally though what's the problem on your side? Why are you so averse to getting engaged? It doesn't mean you have to get married next week, nor even next year.

pollypocket10 · 21-12-2010 3:47pm

OP I must say your post seems to be a very "poor me" post and I think you need to stop blaming your OH for wanting something different to you. (She's needs to do the same but she isn't here asking for advice)

FWIW this what I think. You've been together two years (certainly long enough to get to know each other well enough to make a commitment in response to the poster who questioned this). At this point you've already made a massive commitment by buying a home and becoming a family Do you think that this was maybe leading her on a little bit if you aren't sure about having a future with her and the children?

Personally, I think that you should have thought this through LONG before making the commitment that you already have. Not only is it unfair to your OH but also to the children.

The girl obviously thought she had found the man she was going to spend her life with and raise her children with. Now you are moving the goal posts. Obviously she is upset at being led-on and tying herself and her children into a commitment with a man that doesn't even see a future with them.

Takes two to tango so look at your own behaviour instead of heaping the blame in her direction.

kayos · 21-12-2010 4:47pm

Why do some people see not ready to get married as not loving or not seeing a future with someone? Honestly.

While moving in together is a big step it is also a big proving ground to insure that a couple are compatible. The OP or the OH might leave his dirty clothes on the floor and do nothing around the house and this may be something the other can not stand. At least living together for a while ensure a couple are compatible on every level before they go and get married. Getting married before both parties are sure would have a much bigger negitive effect on the kids should the marrage not work out I would think.

Living with someone does not automaticly mean engagement is coming. Proposing to someone to keep them happy when you really dont think your ready is a huge risk.

OP propose when you feel the time is right. Do not be pressured into it by any one. Be that friends, family, partner or people here who make out like you have lead your partner on.

When a man says lets move in together he means lets move in together. He does not mean lets move in and I'm going to propose to you in a matter of weeks.....

kayos · 21-12-2010 4:50pm

pollypocket10 wrote: »

Takes two to tango so look at your own behaviour instead of heaping the blame in her direction.

He is not blaming her, she is blaming him. He knows that his position on the matter has hurt her and has said so and said that he is sorry for it.

As you say it takes two to tango, it also takes both partners to want to marry not just one half.

LegacyUser · 21-12-2010 5:16pm

Why is it always such a NEGATIVE reaction when a woman admits she would like to get engaged, married and have kids??????????? It's like she's admitting she's weak.

And yet, when a man wants the very same thing, it's reacted to so POSITIVELY???? It's like he's admitting he's strong, and wants to 'take it on'.

What a load of BS.

OP, you bought a house with her. What did you expect????

She wants to get married. Either propose, or move on and allow the girl find herself someone who will settle down with her.

After two years, with her and her kids, you either want to be with her and her kids, or you don't.

booboo88 · 21-12-2010 5:21pm

aidan24326 wrote: »

That's hilarious!

Anyway OP your girlfriend sounds a bit of a drama queen tbh. If the two of you are happy and settled together what's the rush? She's obviously a bit insecure and needs to get that ring on her finger to know she has you bagged.

Equally though what's the problem on your side? Why are you so averse to getting engaged? It doesn't mean you have to get married next week, nor even next year.

But I think the whole point is what about the next time she doesnt get her own way?
Personally i think shes sounds very insecure and not on the same planet at all. A ring is nothing, it never stops anyone from leaving.

but its up to you, leave now or forever hold your peace :P

sipstrassi · 21-12-2010 5:32pm

When there are children involved it's not 'just' moving in together. It's a major commitment.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, or did you when you decided to set up home together? If it was a test run then that was a most irresponsible thing to do to those children. If it wasn't a test run then I can see why there would be an expectation to take it to the next stage (though maybe not just yet).

You need to sit down and speak about this calmly. Maybe go to a counsellor. You need to identify why it is so important to her to get married and why she is so insecure. She needs to resolve this before you can move forward.
And you need to identify why you feel ready to be a family but not sign a piece of paper to make it 'official'.

Posters here (me included!) will give your their opinions, what they think, what's in their heads. You need to get inside your girlfriends head and your own. This is too important to let anonymous internet posters make your decisions for you especially as there are children involved.
I can't recommend counselling highly enough. A good counsellor won't do the talking but will allow you to speak to each other and keep you 'on-topic'. You won't end up in a row.

Sorry for the long post.
Hope you can work this out.

Seraphina · 22-12-2010 12:51am

sadgdg wrote: »

It's the quality of the little time they can spend together. Ignoring recent turbulence, I'm assuming that quality time justified ye moving in together& you having a huge commute? Main thing is, don't let the last few months cloud your judgement of what you have in this relationship.

Errr WHAT?!

Ignoring recent turbulence? You mean the IMPORTANT part of their relationship in the last few months where they are actually living their lives together and not just spending weekends with each other? The 'quality time' that may have been made possible by babysitters for her kids which probably had a sort of holiday feel to it? That's bloody ridiculous.

OP
This woman appears to be trying to emotionally blackmail you into a lifetime legal commitment which you don't feel ready for. Not one you've said you don't want/won't consider/won't be possible in the future, just one you're not ready for. Frankly, she sounds like she has NO respect for your feelings. If this was a girl going to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time, and he was behaving in this way, we would all be telling her to get well rid. And expecting him to be able to tell her when he'll be ready? How can you predict these things? I refer again to the virgin and sex example, and this is a MUCH bigger issue, a life changing commitment. No one can say, 'oh i'm not ready now, but i'll definitely be ready in six months'. You do these kinds of things when they feel right, not when your OH has a long drawn out tantrum because she's not getting everything in the time frames she expected.

DO NOT put a ring on her finger just to keep her happy. You have moved in with her and her two children, why does this automatically mean you have to get married?

I would be VERY concerned that future disagreements about how things are done in your lives would result in very similar immature and awkward behaviour on her part just to get what she wants. Sit her down and explain that you already told her you don't feel ready. Tell her that you love her, but that she has no right to expect you to respond positively to such behaviour, and that she is pushing you away.

I would also second all the recommendations of counselling because it sounds like she has some serious insecurity and abandonment issues.

seenitall · 22-12-2010 1:09am

Seraphina wrote: »

Errr WHAT?!

Ignoring recent turbulence? You mean the IMPORTANT part of their relationship in the last few months where they are actually living their lives together and not just spending weekends with each other? The 'quality time' that may have been made possible by babysitters for her kids which probably had a sort of holiday feel to it? That's bloody ridiculous.

OP
This woman appears to be trying to emotionally blackmail you into a lifetime legal commitment which you don't feel ready for. Not one you've said you don't want/won't consider/won't be possible in the future, just one you're not ready for. Frankly, she sounds like she has NO respect for your feelings. If this was a girl going to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time, and he was behaving in this way, we would all be telling her to get well rid. And expecting him to be able to tell her when he'll be ready? How can you predict these things? I refer again to the virgin and sex example, and this is a MUCH bigger issue, a life changing commitment. No one can say, 'oh i'm not ready now, but i'll definitely be ready in six months'. You do these kinds of things when they feel right, not when your OH has a long drawn out tantrum because she's not getting everything in the time frames she expected.

DO NOT put a ring on her finger just to keep her happy. You have moved in with her and her two children, why does this automatically mean you have to get married?

I would be VERY concerned that future disagreements about how things are done in your lives would result in very similar immature and awkward behaviour on her part just to get what she wants. Sit her down and explain that you already told her you don't feel ready. Tell her that you love her, but that she has no right to expect you to respond positively to such behaviour, and that she is pushing you away.

I would also second all the recommendations of counselling because it sounds like she has some serious insecurity and abandonment issues.

+1 on this post! I love it when someone gets there before me and says everything I wanted to say, makes contributing so much easier!

curlzy · 22-12-2010 5:55pm

unregistered wrote: »

Why is it always such a NEGATIVE reaction when a woman admits she would like to get engaged, married and have kids??????????? It's like she's admitting she's weak.

I think you're misinterpreting. It was the statement that those things are all every woman wants that people were reacting to.

S23 · 22-12-2010 6:17pm

There are some genuinely mind boggling replies on here. Honestly I'm stunned that some people (albeit a lot of unregistered posters) can come out with the drivel spouted on here.

OP if you're not ready to get engaged then don't get engaged. The notion that it's something you have to do just because you moved in with her is ridiculous.

I agree that for a lot of women there is a natural progression in moving in, kids, marriage etc.. However moving in doesn't mean getting engaged or married immediately. Nor does lack of immediate engagement equate to lack of love or commitment.

In fact I'd say his measured approach in not rushing into a further commitment (and he's shown plenty given their living arrangment) is borne out to be the right one given his OH's irrational behaviour.

She clearly needs some help with her emotional and psycological issues. I don't know how you are going to approach her with this OP but you need to. Otherwise in this relationship, and more than likely plenty of future relationships, will be sabotaged for the OH. This is a self fulfilling prophecy on her part.

This assertion that he's going to leave her when there is nothing to base it on will, eventually, push him away and, abrekedabra, he will end up leaving her when she's finally totally pushed him away.

So ignore all the 'whats the harm in getting engaged' nonsense. The harm is you're not ready. There are some really serious issues that need adressing here but lack of an engagement ring isn't one of them.

Best of luck OP

Butterflylove · 22-12-2010 6:19pm

sipstrassi wrote: »

When there are children involved it's not 'just' moving in together. It's a major commitment.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, or did you when you decided to set up home together? If it was a test run then that was a most irresponsible thing to do to those children. If it wasn't a test run then I can see why there would be an expectation to take it to the next stage (though maybe not just yet).

I agree with this if you talked about moving intogether get engaged married etc before it all happened, maybe shes seeing it as right you've moved in now next step is to get engaged and seeing how kinda freaked out you are over getting engaged maybe making her feel your rethinking your choice?
I would understand if I had set up a family home etc with someone and when a more, I dunno paperbacked commitment like marriage is on the cards, this person back tracks it can play on your feelings and clearly your feeling guilty for backtracking but this woman has put her family on the line for you, just because your not ready to get engaged

I would suggest couples counselling it might help commuincate better and help her understand that (hopefully) your feelings havent changed for her,

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