Bf stares at other girls

LegacyUser

I am a 24-yo girl and my bf of 2.5 years is 27. In many ways he is lovely as a person and a boyfriend. He is kind, generous, supportive and good looking. But it's a recurring theme in our relationship that he will stare fixatedly at other girls when we are out. Especially if she has a big chest or is wearing a tight/low cut top, he literally wont be able to take his eyes off of her. I know that every man looks once in a while and I am not so all consumed by jealously as to not be able to accept that he might occasionally notice a pretty girl, but he makes it *so* obvious. I have called him out on this more times than I can remember, explaining that it is offensive to me as his girlfriend to have to watch him looking so obviously and offensive to the other girl to have him staring. He always lamely says that it's a 'bad habit', that it's something he does 'automatically without thinking about it' and that he'll 'make an effort to stop'. But he doesn't really ever make the effort. I have asked him openly whether he would prefer a gf who is bigger on top (I'm only a 'B' cup) and he says no, he loves me and likes my boobs and finds me attractive. We have a good love life and he is attentive towards me when it is just the two of us. But then when we go out, and he notices a pair of DD's across the room, its like I don't exist.

I don't know what to do. I love him but I find his behaviour around other girls humilitating. This is the kind of behaviour I would expect from a teenager but not a 27-yo man. But it has got to the point where I am sounding like a broken record and he just isn't listening. Actions speak louder than words. I don't know how to escalate at this stage without just breaking up with him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Very valid complaint IMHO. You have every right to be upset.

I think you have to convince him that it is not a bad habit but a lack of consideration for your feelings. He's not Tony soprano and you're not a stripper competing for his attention.

It is possible he knows this and doesn't care, if that is the case you'll have to consider if he's really as great a guy as you think he is. I would give him a chance after a proper warning though, perhaps in letter form if you find it difficult to explain.

Elle Collins

Sickntired, as a woman who is a DD I can support you in your assumption that it is offensive to the other woman too. There is a world of difference between a man having a quick reactionary glance and a man staring like a fukin eejit who's never seen a pair of tits before. It is teenaged behaviour as you say and I am not surprised you find it humiliating; if a man does this while he's with his partner he's humiliating two women and making a fool out of himself into the bargain.

As for advice, I don't really know what advice to give you hun, except to say I feel for you and I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from him if I were you. Maybe the next time he does it you should just lift your handbag and walk out of the pub?

JimmyCrackCorn

If hes leering at other women its offensive. If hes human and just taking an occasional look its not an issue.

I always found it fine when my partners looked at other men/women. I'm just not the jealous type.

LegacyUser

Why not put the shoe on the other foot, and ogle hot guys when ye're both out? Guys that are the polar opposite to him, in the way he ogles girls that aren't like you. So if your OH is short/thin, you eye up tall/well-built guys. You may find his "bad habit" soon disappears

LegacyUser

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

I always found it fine when my partners looked at other men/women. I'm just not the jealous type.

I'd say it's very little to do with jealousy, and more the lack of respect on the OP's boyfriend's part. A relationship is nothing without mutual respect.

Zen65

Sickntired wrote: »

Especially if she has a big chest or is wearing a tight/low cut top, he literally wont be able to take his eyes off of her. I know that every man looks once in a while and I am not so all consumed by jealously as to not be able to accept that he might occasionally notice a pretty girl, but he makes it *so* obvious.

Have other people noticed that he does this too?

He may not agree that he is staring, and may simply think he's glancing. If others point it out to him also then he may be more receptive to the notion that it's a very noticeable and ignorant habit.


Be at peace,

Z

curlzy

Hey OP,

TBH I'd break up with him. If it's as bad as you say then what's he like when you're not there? A serious lack of respect on his behalf is a major red flag to me. I myself am tremendously attracted to big men, the bigger the better really, my bf is 6"3' and well built, now I can't really help but ogle "the rock" that actor guy that used to be wrestler? anyway in a million years I would never ogle another guy like that in front of my BF, like I've been out with my bf and noticed a gigantic man in my preifery but I would never stare at him in front of my bf as much as I might want to. You know why? Because my bf is my gigantic man, he's special and the only one I want so I would never hurt him or worry him by staring at another guy. Like we all have eyes but for him to want you to accept that it's just a bad habit makes it sound as if he thinks you're a bit thick. I really wouldn't be hanging around with someone who takes your self esteem so lightly. I really would just ditch him.

Wompa1

My gf has accused me of leering at other women before but I honest to god was just staring into space! If I'm quiet and thinking I'd tend to stare off into the distance. His excuse though does sound a bit lame, how much do you trust him?

JimmyCrackCorn

unregistered wrote: »

I'd say it's very little to do with jealousy, and more the lack of respect on the OP's boyfriend's part. A relationship is nothing without mutual respect.

Yes mutual respect is important. Leering is not showing respect.
Having a subtly look as someone passes by is normal human behaviour.

LegacyUser

JimmyCrackCorn wrote: »

Yes mutual respect is important. Leering is not showing respect.
Having a subtly look as someone passes by is normal human behaviour.

And the OP thinks her boyfriend is leering.

whatsamsn

Im a mid-20s guy and I can say thats not a good sign.

Sure on one side of the argument its natural. Just because a person is with someone doesnt mean they wont look at others. Thats true. Perfectly natural. But so blatantly looking in front of your partner? and doing it several times? being told by your partner to stop it? ....


Op, re-evaluate your trust in him.
These are the signs of someone who is willing to stray. Its just simple common sense. If he is willing to stop and stare in your presence what do you think he will do when you are not around and in a bar chatting to a girl he has eyes for ... its all about reading a persons actions and using a little common sense.