Grieving..

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this fits into this board. I presume it does. If this forum is about bereavement then this should be suitable for this place. I have been told recently that I am grieving and that I am going through a bereavement of someone who is still with us. I'll share my story and see if this has been seen/ heard/ felt by others in terms of emotional impact and coping.

My father is an alcoholic and drank heavily when I was a small child. I never remembered his drinking, but remember visiting him in his rehab and calling him on the phone while he was there recovering. He eventually was released and remained sober for over 18 years. My family life was pretty normal after that. He became a successful academic and made a good amount of money. We were secure and always had the best of everything.

A year and a half ago we discovered that he believed he was no longer an alcoholic. A divine intevention, he called it. We were anxious that he would begin heavily drinking and end up back in square one. As things progressed, and as he insisted he had his drinking under control, we eventually looked at his computer for clues to this new kind of man we were dealing with. Turns out he was having multiple affairs, and had bragged about how he was going to leave my mom.

That alone was hard enough to deal with. Then my Father got involved in a few horrible incidents and was eventually diagnosed with manic depression. He now lives in England and any contact with him has been cruel and upsetting. This has led the family to completely disconnect from him.

Since then I have had anxiety problems, panic attacks, OCD etc. I see it as part of the grieving process. I am in CBT counseling for the anxiety, and find I am sad most days about nothing. I won't be thinking about it, and it just hits me. This utter sadness. Not to ever weaken the idea of grieving for the dead, but at times I feel it'd have been easier if he was dead - then we would have the closure and be able to grieve. But we can't. We are grieving but we are also holding ourselves back in the hope that he will get better and accept treatment (as he's denying it).

Does this sound familiar to anyone in terms of grief? The sudden sadness that is there for no particular conscious reason, the anxiety of living, panicking over small things etc.?

I'm not looking for advice here, but to hear others stories. I am getting treatment for my emotional problems and am doing very well. The situation itself is also being dealt with legally. I just wanted to hear what people had to say.

Happy Christmas and I hope you are all doing well.

Rs

LegacyUser

Sorry to double post.. I just want to know if others feel like I do. Pretty down today.

miec

Does this sound familiar to anyone in terms of grief? The sudden sadness that is there for no particular conscious reason, the anxiety of living, panicking over small things etc.?

Hi Op

Yes in a nutshell. I am not in contact with any of my family for some serious reasons, and I'm grieving them even though they are alive and I choose not to be with them. I can be okay and then suddenly start crying or what is really weird also start manically laughing as well, which is a bit freaky. I don't have the anxiety as much as I used to but that was part of it too. I also have this ache in my lower belly. Its pretty crap and for me it seems more heightened with Christmas upon us. I guess the only thing I can share is that I take it day by day, I also have a journal where I write my thoughts down, when its full I burn it, I don't want anyone to read that stuff. I find it helps to relieve the pressure.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for sharing. It's nice knowing that others are in similar situations as me... I'm sorry to hear that you have made that decision, I'm sure it was out of your control, and that eventually things will get better x

I was always an anxious person, worrisome and would freak out about my health, mostly. I was told I had an anxiety disorder, so I'm working hard with CBT to try and cope better. I still believe that the anxiety is a major part of the actual grieving. I think in time it will ebb away, but at the moment I'm agrophobic. Hate being in public situations or traveling far from home... My brothers are the same to an extent, but they aren't willing to share with me and are very defensive when I try to bring it up..

I got a text from him today.. I just wish this would come to an end some how or other.

Fittle

Hi Op,

I think you haven't gotten many answers to your post purely because there isn't much traffic in this section at the moment - not because there aren't many of us who haven't been where you are right now. Perhaps you could ask the mods to move this to PI or RI? Just a thought.

Anyhow, my mother and father both died a long time ago, and even though I cried buckets when they were gone, I distinctly remember not crying for them particularly - I was actually crying for the mother and father I wanted to have. It's quite difficult to speak ill of the dead, but I think honesty is also a good thing. Before my parents died, I hadn't spoken to either of them for a long time - so like you, I was grieving for them while they were alive. And yet, when they did die, it was a whole other type of grief, that's unexplainable until you experience it I'm afraid.

If you were registered, I'd send you a much longer pm - in the meantime, I'd like to say that yes, there are many people who are where you are today...time is a healer, but grieving the living is very different from grieving those who have passed.