cheating liar

THEZAPPA

So myself and my ex were going out a year and he broke up with me a month ago. I was and still am heart broken. The break up wasn't great because he did string me along for a week saying he needed time to think etc but thats all done with.

Tonight I went out with friends to help get over it, but I bumped into a old ex friend of his that I met through my ex. This friend doesn't like my ex after stuff that happened between them.

We had a laugh and then my ex popped up in our conversation. He told me he didnt feel right telling me at the time but my ex had kissed a girl while we were dating..This girl I know and my ex had kissed her a few times before me and my ex meet. But i was told it was over between them.
He then told me that my ex tried chatting up and kissing a girl 2 weeks before be broke up with me.

I am in so much pain I dont know what to do. I need more advice then just forget it because its literally to hard to just forget it.

I text him and told him I was told he cheated on me and then tried to ring him, he turned his phone off. This was last night.... I went out to get away from thinking about everything...

Its all just going down the toilet for me!

so he texts me today asking what was last night all about. Basically he denied cheating and said it was not true and whoever told me this has there facts wrong. I wanted him to ring me because I wanted to know full out and sort it out as I dont like to end on bad terms with people. He said he wasn't going to ring me and that he doesnt think we should talk now for a while.

It's just so messed up. Any advice or opinions would be great!

Zen65

THEZAPPA wrote: »

He then told me that my ex tried chatting up and kissing a girl 2 weeks before be broke up with me.

I don't know what this means. Did he chat her up, or not? How do you define "chatting up" as opposed to "chatting" ? Did he kiss her or try to kiss her?

This ex-friend seems to have brought you some vague news at a time when you are least able to cope with it, and if as you say he has fallen out with your ex then perhaps his word is not entirely unbiased?

In any event, you are looking the wrong way. The life you are living is moving forward, and you have allowed yourself to dwell on looking backwards and trying to review your past from another angle. You are too close to that past to be able to see it clearly. Turn around to face forward again and let that past become the past. Remember it as you experienced it, and do not waste effort on trying to analyse it again from your current vantage point. The clarity to see that relationship from another angle will only emerge in the months and years to come.

That relationship is finished, and you need to focus on you again rather than worrying whether he might have tried to be unfaithful to you at the end of it, or more pointless again, worrying that there may have been some unfinished business between him and somebody else at the start of it!

Be at peace,

Z

THEZAPPA

Zen65 wrote: »

I don't know what this means. Did he chat her up, or not? How do you define "chatting up" as opposed to "chatting" ? Did he kiss her or try to kiss her?

The friend put it that him and my ex were in competition on who would get the girl so I am not to sure as to if he tried to kiss her.

Zen65 wrote: »

This ex-friend seems to have brought you some vague news at a time when you are least able to cope with it, and if as you say he has fallen out with your ex then perhaps his word is not entirely unbiased?

I was thinking that, but he seemed like he was being genuine about it, I don't know. I guess I will probably never know unless I ask the girl who he supposedly kissed while we were together, But im not sure if that is a good idea. I dont know if I want to know.

Thanks for the reply

John400

THEZAPPA wrote: »

so he texts me today asking what was last night all about. Basically he denied cheating and said it was not true and whoever told me this has there facts wrong. I wanted him to ring me because I wanted to know full out and sort it out as I dont like to end on bad terms with people. He said he wasn't going to ring me and that he doesnt think we should talk now for a while.

It's just so messed up. Any advice or opinions would be great!

OP, i hope i'm not upsetting you here but i'm most definitely getting a bad vibe about the fact that he denied cheating by text and that he's refusing to ring you, if he genuinely did nothing with another girl he should be able to at least talk to you on the phone about it.

The refusal to ring you is a sign of his guilt in my opinion. Also this refusal of contact from him and him saying that you both 'shouldn't talk for a while' is a pointer that the relationship is effectively over. You probably won't hear from him at all.

Sorry to be the doomsday merchant. Just my opinion.:(

Also him turning his phone off...not good.

whatsamsn

Yeah he cheated on you. 100%.
In one part its the classic two friends fall-out situation. Then all the sh*t comes out about each other. So I reckon this friend is telling the truth.

As for your ex...?
Vast majority of people will never be honest when cheating. Alot of jerks in the world op. But you're going to get alot of "its your ex, it doesnt matter!" from users on this board. Which although they are right it still doesnt mean it wont hurt you. I too would feel hurt if any ex, of recent times, cheated on me.

Either way you should move on. He is a jerk and now you know that. If he did anything in the relationship to make you not trust him or be unsure of him? then that is your lesson to learn and move on. If he did not? Just move on.

Zen65

THEZAPPA wrote: »

The friend put it that him and my ex were in competition on who would get the girl so I am not to sure as to if he tried to kiss her.

Sounds like teenage male bravado, nothing more.

I guess I will probably never know unless I ask the girl who he supposedly kissed while we were together, But im not sure if that is a good idea.

I think you know very well that's a terrible idea. Nothing good will come of it, and you would be unsure whether or not to believe her anyway!

Yeah he cheated on you. 100%.

100% ? That sounds scientific, so I guess it must be true, unless.....

In one part its the classic two friends fall-out situation.

Oh wait, this is based on a scene in some movie?? So I guess it's not really 100%. Maybe it's 50% ? We could spend pages here speculating, but none of us will be any the wiser for it.

Either way you should move on.

Yes, this sums it up really. Move forward, live your life, stop dwelling on the things you can neither influence nor ever fully know.

Be at peace,

Z

THEZAPPA

Thank you all for the replys.

I am moving on but I don't like to have a bad fall out with someone because of what someone else has said they did.

I asked the girl he supposedly kissed while we were together. I know her and have become sort of friends with her and I know she wouldn't defend my ex.

She said he never cheated on me with her. She said who I was talking to that said this?

I believe her, I do.

Now why would someone tell me lies like this? and what should I do? Im now not on speaking terms with my ex and he doesn't know which friend is going around telling lies.
Should I confront the guy to tell me why he said this stuff? It was so hurtful, having a nice night out and then being told this.

Ahh I dont know! Least I know he didn't cheat on me..

THEZAPPA

THEZAPPA wrote: »

Thank you all for the replys.

I am moving on but I don't like to have a bad fall out with someone because of what someone else has said they did.

I asked the girl he supposedly kissed while we were together. I know her and have become sort of friends with her and I know she wouldn't defend my ex.

She said he never cheated on me with her. She said who I was talking to that said this?

I believe her, I do.

Now why would someone tell me lies like this? and what should I do? Im now not on speaking terms with my ex and he doesn't know which friend is going around telling lies.
Should I confront the guy to tell me why he said this stuff? It was so hurtful, having a nice night out and then being told this.

Ahh I dont know! Least I know he didn't cheat on me..

I spoke to soon, She told me he cheated on my with someone else. I dont know the girl but supposedly all his friends knew about it and not one told me.

I am crushed

Seraphina

THEZAPPA wrote: »

I text him and told him I was told he cheated on me and then tried to ring him, he turned his phone off.

I wanted him to ring me because I wanted to know full out and sort it out as I dont like to end on bad terms with people.

No you didn't, you're heartbroken, obviously still taken with this guy, and are looking for any reason to contact him.

There is nothing to 'sort out', your relationship has already ended, and what happened during the relationship now is kinda irrelevant. Sorry to be harsh and tell you what you don't want to hear, but forget about it. Calling him and finding out the gruesome details is not going to do anything but hurt you more and prolong the pain. If he denies it you're just going to suspect him of lying and obsess about it more, it's all entirely pointless.

THEZAPPA

Seraphina wrote: »

No you didn't, you're heartbroken, obviously still taken with this guy, and are looking for any reason to contact him.

There is nothing to 'sort out', your relationship has already ended, and what happened during the relationship now is kinda irrelevant. Sorry to be harsh and tell you what you don't want to hear, but forget about it. Calling him and finding out the gruesome details is not going to do anything but hurt you more and prolong the pain. If he denies it you're just going to suspect him of lying and obsess about it more, it's all entirely pointless.

I know I should forget it but we had planned on being friends eventually with time. I dont want to end on bad terms, he was my love and my best friend.

We talked and he admitted he did kiss a girl while very very drunk and hardly remembers it. He is sorry and is riddled with guilt he tried to forget it ever happened. That is one reason why he broke up with me because I deserve so much and gave him everything and he couldnt.

He said he didnt tell me because it made him realize how much he loves me and that he didnt want to lose me and keeps calling himself a di*khead.

I told him how much this hurts and i hope she was worth it...one sleezy kiss to hurt the person you love. I dont know if i can forgive him but i do have to let it go or else ill go mad.

should i forgive him? over one kiss which has made him hate himself.

Or just tell him we cant we friends any more and that we shouldn't talk again?

John400

Ah the 'i was drunk' card.

OP, how do you know he hasn't done it before or if he even gets back with you that he won't do it again?

dellas1979

Ah he is your ex for a reason.

He treated you badly. You need to realise this. You cant be friends with an ex who treated you like this. You think now that you still need him in your life because you miss him. This will fade.

So, in fact, you are well rid of him.

cafecolour

He's your ex. Over and done with. Stop thinking about him, stop investigating what he did/did not, delete his number, remove him from facebook, and stop talking to mutual friends about him.

Yes, it's easier said than done, but it's the only way the pain will go and you'll start to heal.

dudara

Your ex is doing one good thing here. He's refusing to talk to you. You should do the same.

What good is this dredging up of the past going to acheive? You'd already broken up before you knew about this. Draw a line underneath all this immature cr*p and leave well alone.

Katgurl

Hi OP, I remember i went through something very similar myself years ago. A random guy told me my ex (that i was still nuts about) had cheated on me with a girl i was friendly with. I was gutted, he just dumped the news on me & said my ex was a dickhead, i was a great girl & deserved better. i stood there with my mouth open feeling like my guts had been ripped out & he continued off on his night.

I was devastated. I wanted to phone my ex & demand an explanation. I wanted to phone the girl and kill her.

I did nothing. And a few days later I was completely over it. Just completely. I realised it didn't matter and the relationship was finished and whatever he'd done, i'm sure he was sorry for.

As an aside, i'm still great friends with that ex and i'm glad we never fell out.

fungun

Agree with Katgurl.

Dont get angry. Just use the information to realise in you head that you deserved better than him and do your best to move forward and find someone better.

Live and learn....all the best

THEZAPPA

Cheers for all the replies!

Yeah you are all right. I am still madly in love with the guy, we did only brake up a month ago and I was mad for him from the moment we met till even now.

I don't feel as hurt today as I did from finding out.

He text me apologising and saying he wants to be friends in time and that it was a big mistake and he was riddled with guilt ever since but didnt want us to end and didnt want to hurt me so didn't tell me, but I have come to the conclusion that if he cared one bit about how I feel instead of thinking about himself he would of told me after it happened and let me decide whether I wanted it to continue. I would have been well over him now if that was the case, but it isn't.

In my mind I feel like the whole relationship was based on a lie, he got everything from me. I was a fantastic girlfriend and best friend to him(not being big headed) but that is the truth of it and he knows that.

I feel like a utter fool. The past month I had hope that we would get back together but I was getting on with my life just still had hope.

Now I have none, my feelings have changed. I do love him but I dont love the person I know now. Either I am truly meeting him for the first time or he has really changed from the person I went out with. Can someone change so suddenly?

I am sorry I am probably ranting but I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My friends are sick of it over the month and I haven't told any of them about him cheating. I see no point.

i am utterly heartbroken. I truly thought he was the one. I was wrong.

John400

As i said, if he didn't do anything he most certainly could have rung you, you keep saying that he was texting you this, that and the other.

Him texting you means two things..1. he's guilty and...2. it gives him a get-out clause in that he doesn't have to talk to you directly.

I can understand your heartbreak but i wouldn't dwell on this guy. Life's too short.

THEZAPPA

John400 wrote: »

As i said, if he didn't do anything he most certainly could have rung you, you keep saying that he was texting you this, that and the other.

Him texting you means two things..1. he's guilty and...2. it gives him a get-out clause in that he doesn't have to talk to you directly.

I can understand your heartbreak but i wouldn't dwell on this guy. Life's too short.

You were right, thank you!

Life is to short and i cant help but dwell but i will get past with hopefully!

If he really wanted to be friends he would be texting me apology's left right and centre but i haven't heard from him since he admitted it.

Katgurl

Hi,

don't feel like a fool op, why would you?

You met someone, fell in love, did your best etc. He broke up with you and left you heartbroken, you were mad about him, it's normal you felt this way and daydreamed about getting back together. You're human, it's normal, anyone who hasn't felt like this is a f££king robot.

It's not your fault that he's a cheating asshole, that makes him a crap boyfriend. And now he isn't even being a decent ex, letting you find out elsewhere then texting an apology. Seriously what sort of a man carries on like that?

You're better off knowing though. It hurts I know but sadlygettng hurt sometimes is inevitable and you'll get over him believe me and look back and be so glad you're not with him anymore.

Try get out and about with friends over Christmas and whatever you do, do NOT drink and dial. If necessary give phone to a friend for evening in the pub.