Cheated on

Which way · 18-12-2010 8:59pm #1

Ive been cheated on by my partner of 5 years. She admitted this while pressured and drunk and also a few other discrepencies. She blamed drink for all of it and has now been seeing a counsilor every week for 3 months and is not drinking anymore exept maybe a social one in the house at the weekend. She has gained total control of her drinking problem. She is trying to reshape who she is for herself and i suppose to a lesser extent for me, and i have no insecurities about future behaviour. My problem is that i know she slept with many others while drunk and i have found txt where she bragged about this while was sober. She is airline crew and when downroute drunk in her hotel room at 3am, phones any one of the other crew and asks if they fancy a shag.
My question to those of you who will be kind enough to treat this seriously is this: If someone is faced with having thier deepest darkest secret exposed how far would they go to stop that happening? She has denied all of this with zealous passion, punishing me in all sorts of ways whenever i bring it up. Even with all the txt she wrote about it. She is threatening to leave if i dont drop it.......Will a person throw away a family to protect their reputation? Im not going to let this go as a new relationship with her has to be based on trust and honesty. Im not interested in anything else. My guess is she will run. Any comments are welcome, especially from any women reading. Thanks.

Sardonicat · 18-12-2010 9:10pm

I'm not sure what you are asking.

You seem to know what she did anyway, without her admitting it to you. As you say, she seems to be getting herself together now, but it's only been three months and very early on in the process. Maybe it's too soon for her to face up to all she has done, through drink. I don't think it's her reputation that's the problem, but not being able to face up to the depths she can sink to in drunkenss. Denial, I think, is the term. Maybe it's too soon in her recovery to start thinking about a commited relationship. It might be best to leave her to her recovery for a while. She sounds like she has a long way to go yet. I hope it can work out for you both whether you are together or not.

Which way · 18-12-2010 9:40pm

Yes I hear what you're saying. Im trying to hold my tongue and show support. Its not easy though. She is showing contempt toward me for the fact that i havn't left her, saying to me 'if you believe that about me how can you still be here'. Its an impossible situation and mind bending at times. I believe in her and have faith in her, and of course, i love her but i am being manipulated to strengthen her position.

Sardonicat · 18-12-2010 9:44pm

It's a tough one.

Have you thought about getting some support dealing with this, like al-anon or counselling specific to living with a loved one with addiction? (It sounds like this is what you are dealing with to me, as an outsider). I think you could benefit from that, if you don't mind me suggesting it to you.

population · 18-12-2010 9:54pm

I think you need to decide if you want to continue feeling like this. You may have to walk to gain control over your life again. I am not telling you to go or to stay but you need to think about how you are viewing yourself in the context of all this and make a decision that leads you personally to a better place. If that means staying with her, then that means couples therapy and a long haul.

18-12-2010 10:13pm

Thread moved to here from Philosophy.

Which way · 18-12-2010 11:01pm

I have had a very tough 3 months, with little sleep and not eating and so on. Obviously it hasnt been easy for her either. Ive gone through a divorce years ago but never anything like this. Ive seen a psychotherapist on my own but that didnt help as her opinion was one sided in my opinion and she wasnt giving my partner a fair shake. She had no real understanding of addiction. My own state of mind has improved recently as i made a decision to let go a little. Its tough being a guy and dealing with this infidelity stuff and still being here. But i love the girl and will see it through to the end whatever that end may be. The temptation to give in to impulse and indulge in negative and destructive reactions is there, but i keep looking at the bigger picture and that gets me through.

CDfm · 18-12-2010 11:19pm

I think their are a few issues here.

The first is her sence of responsibility - the drink didn't sleep with someone else she did. IMHO she cannot blame work or drink for her own behaviour.Its not about you -it is about her.

The next being did her drinking so influence her behavior and if she were to drink again or if work was stressful again would she be faithful.

For me I would question if she was doing councelling etc because she got caught and/or to get out of trouble.

My feeling is that she is the one in denial and it is her problem and not yours.

So the real question might be for you are you able to accept her infidelities -those in the past and if she is unfaithful in the future.She is still not telling the truth.

You do not trust her & you are not sure.

Would it be so bad if she left ??

Which way · 18-12-2010 11:29pm

At first with the shock that my reality wasnt reality at all it was hard to think of change. I am resilient and fully accept that a life change is never more than a day away in this current situation. I can deal with that. What i cant deal with is blindly commiting to the next nth years without resolving this first. I cant trust her again untill she shows the respect i deserve buy telling me everything. And in doing so gives us a fresh start, based on honesty. This gets back to my original post and question. Is it just human nature to conceal a hugely personaly damaging revelation at any cost. Imwondering am i wasting my time waiting.

Sardonicat · 18-12-2010 11:31pm

Which way wrote: »

At first with the shock that my reality wasnt reality at all it was hard to think of change. I am resilient and fully accept that a life change is never more than a day away in this current situation. I can deal with that. What i cant deal with is blindly commiting to the next nth years without resolving this first. I cant trust her again untill she shows the respect i deserve buy telling me everything. And in doing so gives us a fresh start, based on honesty. This gets back to my original post and question. Is it just human nature to conceal a hugely personaly damaging revelation at any cost. Imwondering am i wasting my time waiting.

It sounds like she's got a long way to go before she is able to own up to what she has done. I wouldn't hold my breath op. Sorry.

Which way · 18-12-2010 11:37pm

Its my first time using a forum and wasnt expecting such considered replies. Thanks.

CDfm · 19-12-2010 11:04am

OP there are two books you might have a look at " Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

The Other is "That Bitch " by Mary Cleary http://www.thatbitchbook.com/FAQ.htm

If you have gotten into the routine of accepting unhealthy behaviour you may need to be able to look objectively at what you want from your life.

Which way · 19-12-2010 1:22pm

I have thought about that question, yes.

CDfm · 19-12-2010 2:53pm

It is christmas time and a very emotive time for lots of people as we get thrown together with each other.

You should not act in haste but think about the things you want out of life. Live life deliberately.

For me , monogamy is an important part in a relationship and I do have friends where it isn't so and whose relationships work, but it would not be for me.

So you need to work out that for yourself.

Which way · 20-12-2010 7:50am

Its narcissism.

CDfm · 20-12-2010 8:22am

Which way wrote: »

Its narcissism.

Now if her behavior is acceptable to you though -there is no problem;it would not be for me.

If on the other hand it isn't , she has no entitlement to treat you this way, and you should not make excuses for it. Then it becomes about integrity (yours not hers) and your treatment of yourself.

Wagon · 20-12-2010 12:08pm

I'd run a mile if I were you.

She blames the drink but, being honest, it's really her fault. And cheating on you multiple times and not telling you anything more and threatening you if you keep bringing it up...

She's not going to get much better soon by the sounds of things so I'd leave her to make a balls of herself and not drag you down as well.

Which way · 20-12-2010 12:20pm

This thread opened up something for me. I really never fully understood the dynamics of what was going on deep down in this relationship. I am blown away with the extent of manipulation that has gone on and its all starting to make a lot of sense when i examine past events. Deeply saddened by that but at the same time its freed me a bit. It all seems a bit hopeless now as it seems a manipulator will never concede and always runs rather than take ownership. Once the game is up its up. A case of, whos next.

hightower1 · 20-12-2010 1:35pm

Hey OP, sorry to hear about your situ.
There was a time when i was in the same spot and its very hard alright.
Sounds like she is using drinking as an excuse.
The reason i say this is because she is actually going out of her way to sleep with others eg calling them up and inviting to her hotel room.
Its not like they were in the room for above board reasons already and it just happened... she arranged it.

Its the difference between being an oppertunist theif and a career theif if you catch my drift... one is taking advantage of a presented situation and the other is orchestrating the situation itself and is pre meditated.

She doesnt resepct you and based on that alone imo I would leave.

sbsquarepants · 20-12-2010 2:00pm

I think you're over intellectualising this. It's not some high brow moral quandry you've found yourself in. Your girlfiends a slut, no more and no less. The question is simply this, are you prepared to stay with her and accept her behaviour or not.
That's a fairly simple choice mate. Some people, as has been mentioned, can tolerate or even enjoy that kind of thing, but i certainly wouldn't be one of them, doesn't sound like you are either. It's a no brainer if you ask me!

CDfm · 20-12-2010 3:36pm

Which way wrote: »

I am blown away with the extent of manipulation that has gone on and its all starting to make a lot of sense when i examine past events. Deeply saddened by that but at the same time its freed me a bit.

You have to be kind to yourself here and give yourself a hug.

LegacyUser · 20-12-2010 3:55pm

Hmm.

Op, you've got 2 issues there, the way you're saying it.
Firstly that she's cheated on you (multiple times), which you know say she's working on and you're happy to work on it too.
Secondly her behaviour towards you now, which you cannot accept.

There is an element of emotional blackmail, but to me she just sounds needy,terrified and in complete denial.

Yes I know she got herself into this situation, and that she should have thought of that before. But she's punishing you for continuously bringing it up....Any chance she's terrified that YOU'LL leave??She's so far in the wrong here.....she knows that.

I'm all for working things out, personally. But there's a limit to what I'd accept as behaviour that I'd want to work out and behaviour that I felt didn't have a solution. Everyone's got different levels of tolerance. There's no doubt but that the 2 of you need to sit down and address some very hard questions here.Can you ask her, straight out, does she see a future with you, and what she's prepared to do to achieve that? Can you ask her why she keeps denying the texts, etc.....if she really wants a future together then it has to all come out now, and from now on, there has to be truthfulness?You're focusing on whether she'll run or not - I'm not sure I understand why. Are you threatening to tell people about what's going on, or what's happening? Are you using this as a weapon in arguments? Because if so, you're obviously having trouble with the moving on thing, and you need to think long and hard about what you're going to do next.Instead of trying to expose her to force her into admitting to what she's done - just plain leaving is a pretty good option too....

Fair play to you for wanting to work this out OP, and you're entitled to feel a bit emotionally battered at the moment.I really think that it might be helpful to try and work this out with the help of a counsellor...someone from Accord or something. Note these are NOT the same as psychologists/therapists etc - they tend to focus more on what your problems and techniques to work on solving them, as opposed to where they come from and how they're caused (although sometimes there's a fine line). It sounds like there's a lot going on here emotionally, and sometimes it helps to have an outside pair of eyes for a bit of perspective.

fungun · 20-12-2010 4:22pm

If she just gets randomly horny and would shag anyone when drunk then she can either

(a) find someone who is happy to have a non-monogamous reln and be able to have a proper reln with that person
(b) cheat all the time and never have an open honest reln
(c) control it by controlling her drinking.

All depends on her priorities. Assuming (b) as a non-option, she either controls herself or finds someone else.

My tuppence worth is that Id find it very hard to have a gf who had shagged a load of current workmates in the past, no matter what she tried to do to improve.
Some lads I know who have tried to deal with situations like this have insisted that part of prioritising the reln (if thats what thy decide together to do) meant her changing her work in some way so that he didnt always feel she was out drinking wit ex-shagees.
Point being that all might be well, but if you think that after an argument she would just return to her old behaviour, then there really isnt a path foward.

Which way · 21-12-2010 2:08am

Its ended. Not in a nice way. I feel ****. She is out on her own and has nothing to show for this relationship. Not even a home of her own. I dont really want to be in a better or more secure position than her as at the end of the day this was her home too even though its mine. Thats going to be very hard to deal with. I still love her enormously and feel ive let her down. I know these are comments that could ask questions of self worth and such, but thats not it. I was commited but couldnt get over the finding a new trust issue. I feel somehow to blame for not getting over that. Like i should have found a way.

sbsquarepants · 21-12-2010 9:08am

That's actually a fairly normal response in such circumstances, but just cos it's normal doesn't make it true! Remember that.
She let you down, not the other way round. I've been in a very similar situation and i felt the very same, thankfully, it passed! When i thought about it, i felt like a total idiot for feeling like that at all, yet i couldn't help myself, but i now know from reading other peoples experiences (mainly on this site) that it's a fairly normal response, if a somewhat unhelpful one!
Keep your head up, you've done nothing wrong, when the smoke begins to clear you will be surprised how much a clear conscience is worth. Good luck mate

hightower1 · 21-12-2010 11:12am

Which way wrote: »

I still love her enormously and feel ive let her down.

She certainly didnt feel anything for you when she was cheating though.
I know what your going through mate, I felt the same and in some way still do feel like you could have or should have done more but its for the best in the end. That person needs to find their own way as you do. I would take this time now to focus on yourself, not to dwell on what could have been because we only have one life so there is no could have been .... just what is.

By all means feel sorry for yourself its your right, what you have been though and what you are going through is very tough and you deserve a lot of credit for breaking out and taking a stand. (man salute!).

Have the mates around, whinge about it a bit and when your ready try organise a night out or something. It'll keep you busy and show you that there is a better way. I am sure everything the last while has seemed so hard always wondering adn guessing whats going on in that relationship like it was some chess game but your free of that now and you dont need any more drama.

At these times personally I just do what I feel like and end up living like a 16 year old again... xbox, staying up late, eating ****ty food and heading out with the guys.

Again... congrats on getting this sorted and started on the road to the rest of your life.

Wompa1 · 21-12-2010 12:36pm

Which way wrote: »

Its ended. Not in a nice way. I feel ****. She is out on her own and has nothing to show for this relationship. Not even a home of her own. I dont really want to be in a better or more secure position than her as at the end of the day this was her home too even though its mine. Thats going to be very hard to deal with. I still love her enormously and feel ive let her down. I know these are comments that could ask questions of self worth and such, but thats not it. I was commited but couldnt get over the finding a new trust issue. I feel somehow to blame for not getting over that. Like i should have found a way.

Fair play to you. A big step to take, leaving someone you love but from what you've said on this thread you were damn right. You deserve better.

Which way · 21-12-2010 1:18pm

She was the better i needed. Its all so f***** up. So many emotions today. None of which are self congratulatory.

Wompa1 · 21-12-2010 1:26pm

Which way wrote: »

She was the better i needed. Its all so f***** up. So many emotions today. None of which are self congratulatory.

I've never been cheated on so I can't really fully understand. I did have a mutual friend tell me an ex had cheated on me but when I confronted said ex she told she hadn't and I believed her. For a couple of days I had thought I got cheated on but as said she was an ex already so it was very different.

I'm sorry you have to go through this at x-mas too it's extra tough. I have a friend who's g/f of 7 years just broke up with. She met somebody else. She broke up with him over the phone and they are from the same area. It's his birthday this week and he's refusing to go home for it or x-mas. Say's he can't face it. If you are experiencing what this guy is at the moment it must awful because it's heart breaking just to see him as he is.

Keep your chin up and best of luck!

Which way · 21-12-2010 2:49pm

The words of support have been very helpful for me. It takes away some of the guilt. Which i know i shouldnt feel but do. Self doubt is pervasive in this type of situation when people are getting hurt, regardless of blame. Thanks.

Taltos · 21-12-2010 2:59pm

OP take it slowly.
As someone who has been cheated on you are going to go through a range of emotions here - and a big one will be guilt - "what could I have done differently?" or "if only I had been able to show her how much I loved her?"...

These are all totally natural - but from your first post to your last I am 100% certain you are better off out of that vampric relationship, at heart she is a manipulative and irrespective b1tch. Nothing you can do will change that - that is just the way she is.

Right now I recommend you surround yourself with people who really care for you. Turn off your mobile and do not respond in any way to the pleading / threatening / humiliating texts/calls you get over the next while. And trust me - they will come - someone like her will want to have the last word and to hurt you as much as she can...

Be safe - and above all else - know that you did the right thing here.

Which way · 22-12-2010 6:10pm

Second that. Turn off the phone!

Sardonicat · 23-12-2010 12:05am

Well done on making that tough decision. It can't have been easy but I think it was the best you could do for both of you. It might take a while to adjust to a drama free life, but when you do, you won't be able to believe the difference and the freedom. Stay strong!

Raiser · 24-12-2010 2:10pm

Which way wrote: »

My problem is that i know she slept with many others while drunk and i have found txt where she bragged about this while was sober. She is airline crew and when downroute drunk in her hotel room at 3am, phones any one of the other crew and asks if they fancy a shag.

This text in bold really stood out here I think. You have spent a lot of time and effort firing compassion and understanding at a Woman with a 'drink problem' (may be a catch all excuse) who is/was proud of her drunken deeds when sober?

- Not to sound too harsh, but you need to be in a relationship where you expect and duly receive basic levels of respect from your Partner.

Cheated on

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