Low confidence ruins everything

LegacyUser

Just wondering if anyone could give me some advice or thoughts on something that has been bugging me for years. I am getting increasingly frustrated at my low self-esteem & confidence and the impact it has on everything I do.

I recently sought help through contacting a therapist(over the past year) as I didn't want to feel down all the time. I loved the therapy sessions and worked very hard with my therapist to figure out the source of my perpetual low confidence and self esteem. I grew up in a very unstable family environment, which to this day is still incredibly unstable, and have never felt secure or really accepted and loved for who I am.

I worked hard to understand all of this and how it impacts on the way I feel and act towards myself. I felt great in therapy (on and off) but definitely made some lasting changes and feel more confidence and positive in general.
However, I can feel my old habits sneaking up on me and my lack of self belief starting to attack all the positive steps I have taken.

I removed myself from my family home, found a new job, met some great new friends and taken up some new hobbies. But I have started to self sabotage, as I realise I have always done in the past. A few examples:

I start a new hobby (for example dancing/or a sport) and I really enjoy myself and have fun but then I start to internally attack myself for how terrible i am at the hobby, how people think I'm an idiot for trying to do something I'm so crap at, I think people are laughing at me etc. I start getting nervous and feel so down about myself that I just give up- and then I feel worse 'cos I can't commit to something or find anything I am good at/ or just enjoy. I then feel like I am boring and just a waster in life and have nothing to offer anyone. I know that I should do something I just enjoy and who cares what anyone else thinks but I stop enjoying what i do as i am so racked with nerves, paranoia etc.

It is the same with everything in my life- my new job is going great and I love it- then after a while I start to feel physically sick going into work because I think I'm stupid at what I do, I have no worth in the company, nobody likes me etc--all without any evidence and in fact, very much contrary to evidence.

Friends or men I meet/fancy- I get on great with someone and over a few weeks/months etc start to think that they are just putting up with me, that they could never find me attractive etc.
I am very much out of my comfort zone a the moment, (a huge positive step in its self), so I can understand my confidence being rocked but I know the patterns by now and I want to break them so that I can grow my confidence, and in turn my self esteem.
I can't go back to therapy at the moment as I cannot afford it in the country I am living in. I have tried to keep up the progress I made in therapy through going over my notes and therapists notes etc but it's not really helping.

I would appreciate some words of advice or seeing if anyone else feels they can relate to how i feel and how they cope.
Thank you!

johnboysligo

It sounds like you need some reassurances from friends or work colleagues, run one or two of your problems across your friends / workmates that you trust take their input (ignore judgments) and work with it.
If you were turning in ****e quality work you would be fired or your boss at the very least would ask you to pick up the quality.

as for your new hobby fears. not everyone can master a hobby in a fortnight and if your having fun then that's all that matters.

I hope some of that helps you feel a little better.



p.s. I sometimes get scared away from new things for the exact same reasons so you have more confidence that I would. You have that going for you :P