Excessive Worrying

jos28

I am looking for some tips or advice for dealing with excessive worrying. I have always been a moderate worrier but it has recently got a lot worse. My son moved to the UK last week and I am sick with worry about him. He is a responsible adult, working in a safe area and has landed the job he has dreamt of since he was a child. I cannot understand why I am so worried. Since he left my stomach has been permanently knotted, my digestive system is in bits and I have constant headaches. Even typing this makes me sound ridiculous. I am looking at the weather forecast and am terrified that the airports will be closed and he won't get home for Christmas. I am worried that he is eating well, I am worried that he will miss his flight/be homesick/.....etc etc. He is not my only concern. I also worry about my other son. Is he missing his brother/will he get called for the interview he is hoping for.... It goes on and on. I admit that I am guilty of being a control freak. I know I have to learn that things will happen that are totally out of my control but HOW ? I shall end up a basket case if I don't learn to switch off.

cafecolour

Have you tried therapy? Cognitive behavioral therapy can be somewhat effective for this sort of thing (essentially programming yourself to recognize when the worrying is coming on and switch away).

Also, do you work/do a lot of hobbies/exercise/etc. - having a lot of free time gives you a lot more time to dwell on these thoughts.

LegacyUser

As someone who is in the grips of panic attacks triggered by worry right now, I understand how you feel.

The subject of my worry is slightly different, but it's the same thing - stomach in knots/butterflies, choking down food, constant obsessive thinking about the subject of my worry.I'm a little bit of a control freak, and I think it's arising from that aswell.

As cafecolour says, CBT is quite good.If you're curious about it, there are many books available in the shops.Panic attacks make you feel like you are actually losing your mind, I know that so well.You're not, but it's very hard to yourself that when you're in the middle of one. The more you think about it, the more you feed it and the worse it gets.Your brain is playing tricks on you....before you might have had a worrying thought and just dismissed it, now you're dwelling and dwelling and dwelling on it until you can think of nothing else.Either try reading the CBT books, or maybe go to a counsellor (CBT), who can teach you methods to switch off.

And trust me, you're not alone.

jos28

I don't have a lot of spare time. that makes it even worse. I have a very full life. I work, I am studying for a degree, up till recently I was caring for my Mother(she died in August), I have lots of friends and I travel quite a lot. I think I could understand it more if I were a 1950s style housewife who did not have a life outside the home. I am always busy but that does not stop me worrying.

Zen65

jos28 wrote: »

I have a very full life. I work, I am studying for a degree, up till recently I was caring for my Mother(she died in August), I have lots of friends and I travel quite a lot. I think I could understand it more if I were a 1950s style housewife who did not have a life outside the home. I am always busy but that does not stop me worrying.

My sympathies to you on the loss of your mother. Whether we are children or adults when a parent dies it is always a major life-event. Perhaps for you, being so busy, you have not had time to allow yourself come to terms with what it meant to you to lose her?

Did you care for her for a long time? That sort of lifestyle is very demanding of a son or daughter. It requires that we work so hard to empathise with our elderly parent, because often they cannot express very well what they want or need. Often the parent will fight against being cared for, because they cherish the idea of being independent and the loss of that independence, of that control, signals the start of the end of their free lives. But at that stage in life, they need a strong son or daughter to care for them.

But to care properly for them, it is often necessary to take control. Otherwise our lives as carers would simply be submerged under the stress of caring. When the parent eventually passes away, that desire to be in control can remain in our psyche long after the need for it has ended. Is this perhaps in part what motivates you to be "in control" of your children's lives? Do you feel that you must be the person to leap up and solve everyone else's problems when they occur?

Such altruistic preparedness is a noble calling, but in the end it is misplaced. Your sons will be better equipped to deal with their lives if you let them solve their own problems as often as you possibly can. Let them make mistakes, let them deal with their physical and emotional needs themselves. Of course I don't suggest you become uncaring, far from it. Let them know you are there for them as support when they need it, but make it your project to leave them to sort their own problems until they look for that help. They will not resent this more laid-back approach, far from it. They will feel happier in themselves knowing that you are there for them, but that you have the confidence in them to manage their own lives.

I agree that CBT is useful as a tool to help you manage your worrying. I find also that setting aside some of my day to not be busy is important. In this time I can sit in silence, or listen to music, to allow my head and emotions the time to reset themselves. Use this time also to practise deep breathing and to "listen" to your body.

Your sons love you, and they need your support of course. They do not, however need you to sort out the minutiae of their lives, and they would actually prefer to sort this out for themselves. Let them do this.


Be at peace,

Z

jos28

Thank you all so much for your replies. You have all given me a lot to think about. Zen, I think you have been living in my attic watching my life. You hit on SO many points that ring so true. My closest friends would say that I am holding back on my grief for Mam. She was more than ready to go and she spent a lot of time trying to prepare us for life without her. I really thought that she had given me the strength to carry on but perhaps I have not accepted the void that her passing has left in my life. Between myself and my sister we cared for her for 15 years. Her death and my son's departure have meant that my life has changed fairly quickly and maybe thats why I am so anxious. I cannot control the nature or pace of these changes. I am without doubt the person to leap up and solve everyone else's problems when they occur. I immediately jump the minute someone mentions a problem and take over. I probably (rephrase that) definitely drive my sons mad fussing over them. I still try to take care of their physical and emotional needs. I WILL make it my project to let them sort out their own problems. I WILL look into CBT as suggested by you all, maybe have a look at a couple of books or go to see someone. I WILL take time out to sit quietly if only for a few minutes each day, no tv, no radio just quiet time. I don't expect this to be easy as old habits die hard but if I don't change my ways I will end up with all sorts of stress related problems. My husband misses our son and worries about him too but as he pointed out - we brought them up to be strong and independent, just let them at it. If the airports are closed next week, he can always get the train and the ferry home. Here's hoping I can stop myself from booking his train and ferry tickets for him ! Thanks again everyone.