The dangers of intervention

mysadlife

Hi
I felt compelled to share with you, my recent situation. I am an alcoholic, in recovery. I have been sober for over 3 months now.

My alcoholism would be classified as borderline. Beer, usually Friday nights and Saturdays. Always cans of beer in the home. I never went on binges that lasted more than a few hours, and very, very rarely drank sundays-thursdays. However, I was putting my drinking ahead of a lot of other things, including family, hence why this was becoming a problem.

My wife, some months ago, decided to get help with the Hanly centre in Dun Laoghaire. She was advised to initiate an intervention. I was aware that she was attending the Hanly centre, together with 2 of my children (ages 11 and 13). She asked me to go along one day, which I was initially hesitant about, but duly agreed. I should point out at this stage that it was end game for me, and I knew I had to stop drinking.

I walked into the room in the hanly centre, expecting to find my wife and 2 boys, but also in attendance was my parents (83 years old), my sister, and my brother in law. You can imagine how I felt.

Anyway, they all took it in turns to speak about my drinking and how it affected them. I have been married for 14 years and in this time, my parents, sister and brother in law have, maybe, seen me drunk once or twice (they admitted this in this intervention). My 2 sons had prepared written stories of my drinking, which they read out.

My 11 year old son read very quickly, and barely came up for air. I could tell he was extremely uncomfortable with all of this. Towards the end of this harrowing experience, my 8 year old daughter was brought in, to my utter surprise. She, in my opinion, was far too young to be subjected to this.

Anyway, I agreed to enter therapy at the end of this horrendous experience. I entered a 28 day program in an addiction treatment centre in Wexford. I completed that in October and have been attending weekly After Care meetings, as well as going to AA meetings also. These were the 'tools' I was given in therapy, to ensure my sobriety.

Anyway, I have been feeling very raw since leaving therapy. I feel totally ashamed, especially in terms of my 2 sons, and what they had to endure in the intervention. I haven't been interacting as much with them, and finding it difficult in this regard. I have spoken about this with other people in recovery, and they all say that this is totally normal, and it takes time.

Well, since October, my 11 year old son has been crying all the time, angry, sad etc., with my wife especially. He is now seeing a child psychologist which I hope (and expect) will help him. Deep down, I know that his major problem is having to be subjected to the intervention. He was too young in my mind, to have to experience this. I was never a violent or abuse drinker. When I was in therapy, may of the qualified counsellors were horrified at the extent and aggressiveness of the intervention.

The intervention was 'directed' by one of the staff of the Hanly centre. I shall call him John.

Anyway, my wife wants us to finish now (this only happened in the last week), as she can't cope with me (as in, she can't cope with my recovery). My 11 year old son's state of mind hasn't helped a bit.

I have now left the family home and am currently living with my 83 yr old parents. I am totally devastated, feel totally helpless, lonely and isolated.
So much for trying to do the right thing. As far as I am concerned, sobriety is hell, and my life is more unmanageable now than it ever was whilst I was drinking. My sons will never, ever, ever have any respect for me as long as I am alive.

I blame all of this on the intervention, or more to the point, the totally over the top intervention that 'John' initiated. If this had been done in a more civil and dignified manner, I know that my son would not be where he is today, and nor would myself or my wife. Furthermore, a dignified intervention (in relation to MY drinking, my situation), would have produced the same results, namely, that I enter a treatment facility.

I think families of alcoholics need to be very, very careful in terms of the levels of intervention advised to them, by the likes of the Hanly centre. The so-called 'counsellors' in these centres are all recovering addicts, and like many long-term-sober/clean addicts, they can do things way over the top.

This has been the worst year of my life and I am dreading Christmas.

zero_nine

I can hardly believe this, this is so insane. Your poor parents on top of everything else. Your wife should have known better. Recovering alcoholics are insane. I attended a counsellor for alcohol before, they're another species.

booksale

hi, op, i can understand how dreadful you feel, especially during this Christmas time. things' fallen apart and you must be missing your family very much.

i hope no matter what, you can stay strong and look at the big picture for staying sober.

i cant judge the intervention, but i think it's not solely the intervention that put you into where you are now. it's your drinking problems before (that you put drinking before your family, there must be a lot of frustrations and disappointments cumulated for long) + the mood swings during intervention + the inproper intervention from the counsellor etc. all together made you feel your family has abandoned you.

yes, sometimes it takes a lot to do the right thing. remember all the mess is just temporary. things will fall back into their places sooner or later once you achieve what you want to achieve.

may God bless you.

CDfm

I can't help feeling you are being set up a bit.

Anyway, try to have a good Christmas and not get embroilled

Best of luck OP.

mysadlife

CDfm wrote: »

I can't help feeling you are being set up a bit.

Anyway, try to have a good Christmas and not get embroilled

Best of luck OP.

"Set up", in what way?

CDfm

For advice you should probably go to personal issues.

But if you think about it - you have an intervention etc before the ending of a relationship. It may have been timely and convenient.

It seems to me that you need to be looking for a mens support group. Most would tell you not to leave the family home when financial matters and custody issues are being sorted.

It seems odd that you werent encouraged to look for medical advice on your drinking or legal advice on your family situation.

You probably should contact a support group such as www.amen.ie

I wish you well.

rory a m

OMG i can hardly believe what i have just read.I feel so sorry for you mate i really do but please try and stay off the beer and you will at least give things a chance.I off the beer nearly two years and been through so much.Try meeting your daughter for the first time and she's 11!!All goin really well but my god did it test me and i know staying off the beer saved me.Anyway please stay strong and i really wish you the best.:)

mysadlife

Thanks Rory - well, I've stayed off the beer all Christmas, and nearly 4 months sober now, without any cravings, except a mild one the other night for a glass of wine as I was munching cheese and crackers after a meal!

username123

Op - Im an adult child of an alcoholic. I knew from a very young age that there was a problem in the house, but didnt actually realise it was to do with alcohol until I was old enough to drink myself.

11 is very young for an intervention, but you need to take responsibility here, the intervention was necessary because of your drinking. Would you prefer no one ever intervened? Or would you prefer your 11 year old was left out of it? I can tell you from experience I was left out of it whenever there was any kind of attempt made at sobriety and I was more confused as a result - I would have preferred to be involved even at that young age, to have known what was going on instead off all the secrecy that only served to confuse and worry me further.

Im sorry to sound harsh but you need to stop blaming 'John', your wife, the Hanly Centre or anyone else for your problems and look to yourself. Brilliant that youve managed to stay sober for so long now, but you need to get out of the 'dry drunk' thought process and start looking at how to be the best you can be now that youve managed to do the hardest part.

You dont know what the impact on yourself, your wife and your son would have been if things happened differently. You think you know, but you dont - you are not a fortune teller or someone able to see how different situations turn out if things are done differently. Perhaps if the intervention hadnt been so traumatic you would never have entered treatment?

About your wife leaving you, its possible that she just cannot handle your recovery - and to be honest, it must be difficult for her because its clear from your post that you are still not accepting your own part fully in all of this.

Another thing you need to accept is that you do not have to be a violent or abusive person when drunk to be a problem to those around you. My own father was not violent or abusive when he drank (until near the end), in fact he was lovely and happy and fun when he drank - but he was totally unreliable, didnt remember conversations, injured himself frequently, would lie, cheat and steal to feed his habit (but behind our back) and was a source of massive worry to all of us. Its not just violence and abusive language that causes a problem to the family of an alcoholic.

I think you should go to an Alanon meeting - to see it from the other side. You will be made welcome there. I commend you for the steps you have taken so far but you seem to feel that blame for bad things lies elsewhere and that you were not that bad really - and thats something that you need to do some work on.

And btw - dont be ashamed - why would you? Its a disease, would you be ashamed if you suffered depression, cancer, asthma? Course not. The only shame is in not taking the steps you can to resolve your addiction.

Well done on that - and sorry if I sound harsh with the rest but personally I think blunt talking is best in this particular situation.

mysadlife

@username123

Thanks for your message. I would like to point out that I am not 'blaming' anyone here, and do, fully take responsibility for the years of emotional carnage I caused by my drinking.

In relation to the intervention, I strongly believe that a more subtle/less aggressive approach could have achieved the same results, especially where my 11 year old son is concerned. This is also the views of many of the counsellors I spoke to, during my one month of therapy. In fact, some of the counsellors were horrified at the extent that my 11 year old was subjected to, and agreed with me in this regard.

I appreciate your other comments, although, I would be slightly hesitant to attend an Al-Anon meeting...unsure if I would be made totally welcome.

username123

mysadlife wrote: »

In relation to the intervention, I strongly believe that a more subtle/less aggressive approach could have achieved the same results, especially where my 11 year old son is concerned. This is also the views of many of the counsellors I spoke to, during my one month of therapy. In fact, some of the counsellors were horrified at the extent that my 11 year old was subjected to, and agreed with me in this regard.

Its a very difficult call to make based only on your posts in this thread, I dont know how badly affected your child (and rest of family) were from the alcoholism etc... I simply think from my own experiences that I would prefer to have been involved if I were back there at 11.

You say in your opening post that deep down you know that your sons problem is being subjected to the intervention - but do not acknowledge that perhaps the problem is larger than this, and that although the intervention itself was traumatic for all involved - the whole situation is whats having an effect on your son - he is highly unlikely to be untouched by everything else and only affected by that one event.

Anyway - its all moot really isnt it - the child was involved, and now dealing with the fall out of that is a priority. Try not to focus on the coulda/shoulda/woulda - its done now and no amount of how it could have been different is going to make it different. Again, back in my shoes at that age - honesty and someone actually trying to explain the situation to me would have been good. Perhaps a bit of research into the effects of alcoholism on children so that particular issues could be addressed? There are some well documented common issues that occur.

Also perhaps youd consider getting your 2 elder children into Alateen if there is one nearby (there may not be). Your 11 year old may be too young although I remember quite a young seeming 12 year old who used to go to one near me who got a lot out of it. He said it helped him to be able to talk about how he felt to people who werent his family.

Obviously your wife should also be attending Alanon although if she has been involved with the Hanly Centre she probably is already.

mysadlife wrote: »

I appreciate your other comments, although, I would be slightly hesitant to attend an Al-Anon meeting...unsure if I would be made totally welcome.

Oh youd definitely be made welcome, Ive been a member for years and have never once seen someone made unwelcome for any reason. I have met a number of alcoholics who have gone for the reason I suggested - to see it from the other side. It can be quite an eye opener. And of course in many cases alcoholism goes through families, so some Alanon members are alcoholic themselves but go to Alanon because they want to come to terms with the effects of someone elses drinking on their own lives, and then go to AA for their own drinking. Its a real mixed bag!

How do you feel yourself about the intervention - given that it was the trigger for you to actually get off the drink? Surely this is a good thing - even though it was traumatic? Do you not think that if it hadnt had such an emotional impact on you that you may not have taken it seriously or it may not have led to the result it did?

Perhaps the effects of the alcoholism on your wife and family was such that a very emotional intervention was needed (from their perspective) to actually get the point across how much it was affecting them? You may well be too early in your recovery to really appreciate that? TBH when I read your opening post I wished that Id organised such a traumatic intervention for my own Dad - perhaps it would have saved all the years of damage and horror and he wouldnt have died a screaming horrible death looking like he was 90 in his 50s and still begging people to bring him a bottle.

CDfm

OP - I dont disagree with what username has said and no one can say what happened in your home.

I have a gut feeling from the way you describe it that you should be talking this over with someone.

username123

CDfm wrote: »

I have a gut feeling from the way you describe it that you should be talking this over with someone.

+1.

Sunnyisland

Hi mysadlife and well done on your sobriety so far, good going,
Sorry for what you are going through i cant really add much more that what has already being said but There is no level of intervention, therapy, counseling or rehab that will work without the commitment of the individual. We have to want it, and want it badly. However, belief in whether we can succeed is a different matter and this is where help and support is vital. There will be many times when even the ones who want it badly feel like it's too difficult and cave in. At this point they need the encouragement and reassurances of family, professionals or of others going through the same thing. hopefully you will get that and in that strength you will get your self a better life and maybe get your relationship back on track,give yourself a chance.

chicken fingers

Extraordinarily irresponsible of your wife to bring young children into an intervention.
Young children are very impressionable and occasionally vulnerable. You are obviously no saint, but your wife did not put her childrens best interests to heart when she brought them to such an adult event.

I would guess that you marraige had broken down long before this, honestly...

unreggd

I've noticed this before, a lot of counsellors who suggest interventions majorly jump the gun, its very bad malpractice imo!
Also a bit cruel of your wife to initiate the treatment, then abandon you at your most vulnerable

I hope the treatment itself was beneficial for you, and that you can sort something out with the kids

Id also suggest reporting the whole ordeal to 'John's' seniors


Best of luck for you!

Johnny Favourite

Dear op,

I have had a similar experience to you. This time last year I went into rehab for five weeks because of drink. I went there of my own accord because the booze was effecting my work. No family involved (Single, No kids 30 yrs).
Now I am terribly very very bitter about the whole experience. The two councillors involved have been in the same position and they seem to feel that just because they had a revelation so should everyone else.
The experience was a nightmare.

I get on great with my family. They have known for a few years now that I had been drinking too much but I lived away so it never affected them. But that did not stop these unqualified councillors from tearing them all apart. It was awful.
My mother, my father, brothers and sisters all dragged in and for nothing.

If I knew then what I know now I would have never subjected my family to such turmoil.

The vast majority of people involved in recovery can only see things one way. There is no compromise.

If I were you and I was confronted like you were I would have freaked.

Stay off the Jar and try not to be too bitter, but I understand that in the recovery community they tell you to put aside resentments yet the only resentments I have left are against the recovery community and their bulll**** lies and brain washing..

Stay away from them. Evangelical freaks...

PS. I took some advice from elsewhere and am now doing very well.
PM me and I’ll let you know how I dealt with it.... .