Overbearing mother...

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I've been debating pretty much all day as to whether to post on this or not.
I need some serious advice on how to deal with my mam.

I'm 20 & in my 3rd year of college and still live at home.
I lived away from home during my 2nd year but after losing my job, I can't afford it anymore.

The problem is: Ever since I moved home, my mam has just become so overbearing and intrusive.
I can't do ANYTHING without her demanding to know what it is.

- She calls me all the time asking what I'm doing & when I'll be home.
- She texts my boyfriend if she can't get through to me & makes out as
- If something terrible has happened to me so he freaks out & tries to get through to me.
- If I'm out of my room and have left my laptop on, she'll go in and snoop around on it to
see what I'm doing.
- She snoops through my things when I'm not in the house (I know this because she'd be
the only person in the house & suddenly all my stuff has been moved around).
- She picks up my phone if I leave it somewhere and reads through my texts.
- She also gets really really pissed off at me if I go over to my boyfriends house because,
as she says "I can't believe you're leaving me alone here". What am I supposed to do?!

She tries to laugh it off by saying "I'm your mother, I know everything" but it just pisses me off.

I can't even stand going shopping with her anymore. If I'm looking at a dress or a top, she'll come over and say at the top of her lungs "You'd better get that in the biggest size they have because your boobs are huge" like she's trying to embarrass me.
I've been hearing that since I was 12 and it annoys me every time.
I've started snapping at her when she does it because I've had enough.

I just really need some advice on how to deal with her, because I'm losing it...

coolcat63

Move out - even if it's a room in a shared house. Failing that put a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you keep it locked, ditto your phone - don't leave it lying around.

Meller

I agree with moving out and being more careful about what you leave lying around, but you should also take it up with her if you haven't already. Just because you're living in her house doesn't mean her behaviour is fair or reasonable and you should just have to put up with it, because that sort of invasion of privacy just isn't on.

But it seems like she's just terrified of losing her child and being cut out of your life, so if you bring it up, she might open up about why she's acting like this and you two can try and sort it out.

HavingCrack

The Op said she can't afford to move out as she lost her job so it's no good saying she should.

Op you'll have to sit down with her and tell her everything you've posted here and ask to stop.

Zen65

LosingIt wrote: »

I just really need some advice on how to deal with her, because I'm losing it...

Can you fill in a few blanks for us then, OP?

Is you Dad still alive, and if so where is he?

Are you the only child in the family?

Has something significant happened to her in the last year, like did she lose a job, or lose a close relative?

Be at peace,

Z

selfobsessed

just be glad you have a mother, some of us don't.

LegacyUser

Hey guys

I have talked to her about it but she'll always come back with "I'm your mother, I know best" or "I should know everything" etc.

I can't put a lock on my door as I share a room with my sister...and she'd go mental if I started locking the door.

I've never cut her out of my life, I always thought we had a very open & honest relationship which is why I'm so stressed over her invading on my privacy.

My dad is still alive, they've been married 31 years & still have a great relationship.
I have 4 older siblings siblings and we all live at home.
And no, nothing significant has happened in the last year.

Zen65

LosingIt wrote: »

My dad is still alive, they've been married 31 years & still have a great relationship.

Have you spoken to your Dad about this issue? Can he see that your mother has become intrusive?


Z

The_Morrigan

OP I read that and it was like you were talking about my mother - all my life she has been telling me to buy the biggest clothing size, snooping through my mail, phone, laptop etc.
I was speaking to her sister and she doesn't just do it with me - she snoops wherever she is, and wants to know everyones business.

Does your mom only do this with you, or is it everyone?

I did speak to my Dad about it, and he tried his best to get her to back off, but I eventually left home, before the relationship deteriorated further. Maybe speak to your Dad and other siblings about it first

LegacyUser

My parents have a great relationship but I don't have much of a relationship with him...it's all over an issue in the family that I'm not going to get into.

She goes through my other siblings mail pretending that she thought it was her name on the envelope (loada crap but she thinks it works to say that) and they also have all told her to stop but she won't, she's worse with me though.
I have said it to my sister and how much it annoys me but she just shrugs it off...

dudara

This is a tough one - but the simple fact is that your mother does not see you as an adult.

It's time to start drawing some boundaries. Put password security on your phone & laptop. Don't leave stuff lying around. I'd lock the bedroom door also. Let her throw her hissy fit and have her histronics. When she does it, let her know that you are doing it because of her.

You have to stop interacting with her in ways that she can exploit. Don't go shopping with her if she is going to be embarrassing. If she wants to know why you've stopped, tell her straight out that you find it embarrassing to be with her.

The reason she behaves like this is because it is tolerated. So stop tolerating it.

Zaph

selfobsessed wrote: »

just be glad you have a mother, some of us don't.

selfobsessed, posts like that can get you infracted and/or banned in this forum. I suggest that you read the charter carefully, particularly the part about off-topic and unhelpful posts, before you post here again.

Susie_Q

OP, maybe you can't afford to move out but there are definitely steps you can take to improve your situation. Put a password on your laptop and keep your phone in your pocket all the time so she can't get at it. Don't go shopping with her, don't encourage her intrusive behaviour. I know you've tried to talk to her before but I think you need to try again. I don't think she understands how much she is upsetting you.

Also, why on earth does she have your boyfriend's mobile number?? I've been with my OH for years and there has never been a time when my mother needed his mobile. It would be an extreme step but maybe suggest that he changes his number and keep it to yourself. That way you can control how often your mother can contact you/ him when you're out. If you don't want to be contacted, screen your calls or turn off your phone.

It sounds like a very frustrating situation and I genuinely feel for you. I'd be going mental in your situation. Do try to speak to your mother and see why she is acting like this. Has she always been this way? Maybe she is worried about you as you are the youngest. Best of luck, let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I do have a password on my laptop when I'm not using it.
She'd go into my room and look through it when say I've been using it, leave it on and go downstairs to get something.

She has his number because I texted him off her mobile once and she saved it.
I didn't even know she had it until she started texting him...

She hasn't always been this way...the clothes thing, I've been hearing that since I was 12 but she became really intrusive and snooping through my stuff when I moved home.

astra2000

Hi op it really doesnt sound like your mother will ever change, she doesnt even seem to think she is doing anything wrong, it sounds like she believes it is her right/duty to go through your messages etc and see how your life is going. She is trying to see for herself that everything is going ok in your life, I am not defending her just stating an opinion. It also seems as if it bothers you more than any of your siblings, so it may appear to you as if she does it to you more. Has there ever been anything in your life that may have given her reason to worry about you more ie depression/ bad relationship ect or could it be whatever happened with your dad?
Really there is not a lot you can do while you are living in your parents house, but do take the steps you can, delete your bfs no. off her phone, dont leave your laptop/phone available to her even if its only for a couple of min, if you have private correspondance/posessions get your self a little locker/case that you can lock. As for the comments about clothes ect ignore them or take to doing the same to her when she is making a purchase.

iguana

LosingIt wrote: »

I do have a password on my laptop when I'm not using it.
She'd go into my room and look through it when say I've been using it, leave it on and go downstairs to get something.

Set the laptop so it requires the password to re-open it every time it goes to sleep. That way all you have to do is fold the screen down whenever you leave the room and she won't be able to use it.

Also, as she is abusing it, go onto her phone and take your boyfriend's number out of it. And keep your phone on you, or switched off and pin protected when it's not with you. It'll be a pain for a while, but with luck once she gets used to not having access to your phone and computer, she will get out of the habit.

mdebets

You said this only started when you moved back home.
Could this be an attempt by your mother to get you to move out?
She might want you out of the house, but doesn't want to confront you about it.

Fluorescence

mdebets wrote: »

You said this only started when you moved back home.
Could this be an attempt by your mother to get you to move out?
She might want you out of the house, but doesn't want to confront you about it.

I doubt it. Some people are just naturally nosy and intrusive.

To the OP, I'd echo everyone's words here and increase the privacy settings on your phone and laptop. Could you also come to an agreement with your sister to lock your bedroom door? Also, simply don't go shopping with your mother if she embarrasses you :P. Mine doesn't do that, but she's forever pointing out clothes I hate the look of, and suggesting sizes that are waaaaaay too big, so I just avoid shopping with her as much as possible

Hope your situation improves soon. It must be frustrating being back home after living away already.

tawnyowl

Meller wrote: »

I agree with moving out and being more careful about what you leave lying around, but you should also take it up with her if you haven't already. Just because you're living in her house doesn't mean her behaviour is fair or reasonable and you should just have to put up with it, because that sort of invasion of privacy just isn't on.

Having been in a similar situation, I suspect that talking may not be very effective - she's already mentioned her mother laughing it off.

Setting the laptop to require a password every time the screen is closed and keeping her phone in a pocket would be fairly effective.

But it seems like she's just terrified of losing her child and being cut out of your life, so if you bring it up, she might open up about why she's acting like this and you two can try and sort it out.

I'd agree about that being a likely motive, but whether her mother would listen is another matter. (Again, similar to my experiences.)

tawnyowl

LosingIt wrote: »

Hey guys,

I do have a password on my laptop when I'm not using it.
She'd go into my room and look through it when say I've been using it, leave it on and go downstairs to get something.

Set it so the password is needed whenever the screen is folded against the keyboard.

She has his number because I texted him off her mobile once and she saved it.
I didn't even know she had it until she started texting him...

Can he block calls from specific numbers?

She hasn't always been this way...the clothes thing, I've been hearing that since I was 12 but she became really intrusive and snooping through my stuff when I moved home.

Are all your siblings getting this level of intrusion into their lives?

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm really feeling it for you, what a bloody nightmare. I would suggest that you just stop communicating with her full stop. She's your mother yes, but she's making your life miserable, that's not ok. You need to get militant about your privacy, put a lock on your mobile and laptop, and USE them. Delete your boyfriend's number from her phone and get him to block her number. You need to push back against her, she's intruding WAY over the boundary so you need to get serious about it, any question should be answered "that's none of your business" just keep it simple show her that you will not be cowed into letting her run your life. She seems to think you're about 14 but you're not, you're 20 so stand up for yourself and just stop letting her do what she's been doing. Tell your bf to stop answering the phone to her. I know I would be very very very unimpressed if my bf's mother was doing this. YOu need to stand up to her.