Should I end it

LegacyUser

Hey there. Was wondering if you could give me a bit of advice. Been going out with my boyfriend now for just over two months. He seemed to be the nicest guy I had ever met. A real gentlemen(opening car doors bringing me flowers suprising me with romantic meals etc).
But thats all kind of disappeared now. He tries to stay out of contact with me as much as possible. He always brings up other girls whether they be exes or people he has met recently. Im not a jealous woman so why is he trying to make me that way.
There is a major problem. He is trying to change me with a person. It started out with picking stuff out for me to wear. Then it was how i should wear my hair. Now its got on to how I should act. He is originally from Dubai. Dont know if that might explain this behaviour but its really getting to me recently. Shouldnt he be happy with me the way I am?
He says he loves me(been saying it since week one) which I dont buy to be honest. Its scaring me away a little. He talks about forever and marriage and children and I think its just a bit too soon for all that. After all I am in my 20's. And he is so upset that i dont feel the same way and know feel that he is forcing me into having these feelings. He is doing the opposite to what he hoped to I think. Im just getting more turned off and further apart. What should I do? I know its a big mess but I had to let this all out someone as its been eating away at me for 2 weeks now. Its so close to xmas too and its meant to be a happy time not to feel like i am right now.
Any advice for me? Is our relationship doomed? Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant

miec

Hi Op

Even before I got the part of your post about him wanting to change you ie: the flowers / meals out I got that uh oh feeling. In the past (thankfully) I have met men like that, they woo you initially via the flowers/ meals out route and of course the compliments, the 'i love yous, the 'forever talk' etc, all in a pretty short space of time. Then they want to change you, little things to start with, hair, clothes, behaviour and so forth. I don't usually advocate for people to just end things but in your case I urge you to run for the hills and remove yourself from this man. He is a controller and a manipulator. If you stay with him he will move onto the serious stuff of trying to change you eg: you drink too much, why are in that job, why are you with that friend (of course it will be a lot more sutble than that), he will seek to remove you from hobbies, friends, family if you allow him. Then he will turn nasty and start to put you down, your confidence will lower piece by piece. Now is the time to go, this is about you, put yourself and your feelings to the centre of this issue. The man does not love you, how can he when he wants to change you but also he cannot love you in such a short space of time either. I have learned that these things are not possible. Love grows in time through romance and friendship. I do hope for your sake you leave him and put yourself first.

Fittle

A post that has the title 'Should I end it' means you know you should end it Op.

Tell him it's over and move on. It doesn't sound like a particularly healthy relationship for you whatsoever.

Johro

Yeah I gotta agree, a guy that tries to mould you is bad news.
This is the way it tends to work:
First, he'll charm the birds out of the trees and make you feel like you're the most important person in the world to him.
Then, when he thinks he's got you, the little 'adjustments'.
Usually starts with your family, as in 'your mam (sis, bro, dad, cousin) doesn't really like me does he/she?' He'll make you feel awkward about being around your family with him, he'll say he doesn't want to be around when so-and-so is there and such, after which he'll try and do the same thing with your (best) friends. That would be the isolating part.
Then the little remarks about your appearance. You're gonna wear that?- when yiz are going out. You should wear your hair like this. That's mild, at first. Basically you shouldn't look too desirable so that other guys might get ideas but at home you can dress like a hooker, or you should look sexy as hell when you're out with him but don't you talk to anyone.
It pretty much all leads to exerting just the right amount of control over you to stop you leaving, or lots of it so you're terrified you might contradict him and get slapped around. Which won't be as obvious at first, but the threat will be there.
Dump him. He's already trying to control you.

Johro

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

Even before I got the part of your post about him wanting to change you ie: the flowers / meals out I got that uh oh feeling. In the past (thankfully) I have met men like that, they woo you initially via the flowers/ meals out route and of course the compliments, the 'i love yous, the 'forever talk' etc, all in a pretty short space of time. Then they want to change you, little things to start with, hair, clothes, behaviour and so forth. I don't usually advocate for people to just end things but in your case I urge you to run for the hills and remove yourself from this man. He is a controller and a manipulator. If you stay with him he will move onto the serious stuff of trying to change you eg: you drink too much, why are in that job, why are you with that friend (of course it will be a lot more sutble than that), he will seek to remove you from hobbies, friends, family if you allow him. Then he will turn nasty and start to put you down, your confidence will lower piece by piece. Now is the time to go, this is about you, put yourself and your feelings to the centre of this issue. The man does not love you, how can he when he wants to change you but also he cannot love you in such a short space of time either. I have learned that these things are not possible. Love grows in time through romance and friendship. I do hope for your sake you leave him and put yourself first.

Exactly like that.

LegacyUser

I'm a big believer in gut instinct, and yours is telling you this isn't how a relationship should be. In fact, it sounds like it's on the road to a dictatorship!
Trust yourself, you know what feels right and what doesn't,& all the flowers/extravagent gestures in the world won't make up for that uneasy feeling you have inside.
Yes, Christmas is coming up. But after that there'll be Valentines, then there'll be Easter, then there'll be the summer hols...there'll never be a "right time". Go for it sooner rather than later, before you're in too deep

Johro

Giveup wrote: »

Shouldnt he be happy with me the way I am?

Absolutely right, yes he should.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here thanks a million guys for your replies. its helped me think alot more about the bad side of things and its really a road I dont want to go down. I think I just didnt want to admit it to myself but hearing it from others has spurred me on. I wanted to give it a chance I have never had to break up with someone before and i did want it to work at first because I find it difficult to find a nice guy. But Im starting to see that the bf really is not a good person for me and yous have all helped with that. Thanks. Now I just have to start thinking whats the best way to end it calmly and without an argument

Sardonicat

Giveup wrote: »

Hey OP here thanks a million guys for your replies. its helped me think alot more about the bad side of things and its really a road I dont want to go down. I think I just didnt want to admit it to myself but hearing it from others has spurred me on. I wanted to give it a chance I have never had to break up with someone before and i did want it to work at first because I find it difficult to find a nice guy. But Im starting to see that the bf really is not a good person for me and yous have all helped with that. Thanks. Now I just have to start thinking whats the best way to end it calmly and without an argument

I'm very glad you've come to this conclusion op.

I would advise you to end things quickly and cleanly. Do it in a public place, like a coffee shop. Have any loose ends tied up. Make it clear that you have no interest in continuing to go out with him whatsoever and that this is not up for debate. I'm guessing he will pull out all the stops to change your mind; ranging from crying, trying to tug your heart strings, trying to guilt trip you to name calling.

Don't get into a conversation about the reason why because he will most likely try and debate this and change your mind. Tell him once why (not respecting my freedom, crowding me out, overstepping the line in this regard) and after that tell him you are not repeating the reason. You want him out of your life. No discussion. You do not owe him one. Be totally intractable on this point.

Say your piece and walk away. This guy sounds like bad news. Keep walking away.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here. Just an update. So i met up with the bf today and i ended it very calmly. Initially I felt dreadful about it but now i feel like it really was the best thing to do. And its been a huge weight off my shoulders.