I cheated

LegacyUser

So as the title suggests I cheated on my boyfriend.

We're together 4 years now and both 22 and I cant believe I have done this. I cant even remember doing it, but thats not an excuse I still did it and I feel like dirt.

I know I have to break up with him, he deserves someone who will treat him right but I cant tell him what I have done. He will hate me and I dont think I could live with that. I just dont know how I can face breaking up with the love of my life.

I cant believe how much of a fool I have been. We have had a few problems lately. We moved in together about 6months ago and since then my bf thinks we fight a lot (I dont, i think ever couple disagees about stuff and in my opinion disagreements are not fights!) we do fight a lot when we are drunk, he gets crazy angry with me over the strangest things! and we hardly ever have sex we went 3 weeks without it before, I try it on every night and he has none of it! I thought things would be fine that we would get thro it but then i go and do what i have done.

I know every1 is goin to say i am awful, terrible, scum of the earth, which I am i cant even deny. There is no excuse for what i have done.

i just dont know how to end it

Squiggler

Cheating wasn't a good idea. But, leaving that to one side, as you realise you did something stupid and that it has consequences...

You're both very young, and have been together since you were even younger. Early 20's are the most formative years of your Adult life.

The home atmosphere you describe (fights or disagreements) sounds unhealthy to me. Discussions are normal, it is normal to have differences of opionion, but if a couple can't maturely discuss them without it devolving into an argument then they have problems. Being in a relationship is all about compromise and balance. If one person has to do all the compromising, or neither or willing to compromise, the relationship can't last. Fighting when drunk is a really bad sign.

You need to make arrangements to move out, then tell him what you did and listen to what he has to say. He might want to try to make things work, but if he does you should insist that both of you take a break for a while to really think about the relationship. It might also be worth investigating whether he'd be willing to go for relationship counselling with you.

Good luck to both of you.

Wompa1

If he hates you then that's good for him because I'd imagine it will make it easier for him to get over you. I don't know if I buy the love of my life thing when it's said after someone cheats. Surely if a love is that strong it should stop this from happening. Don't have sex with him now for sure anyway incase you caught something

LegacyUser

Did you cheat on him because you actually wanted out of the relationship deep down? By you ending it it sounds this way!If not then why break up with him?

Tell him what you have done and how you feel and if he doesn't want to continue with the relationship then fine lits over, this is the least the man deserves. I think yes you done wrong but let him make the decision if he wants to forgive you and try to move on.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the advice.

I am pretty sure I didnt have sex with the guy, surely I would remember that?

I just dont know if there is any point in hurting him, if I tell him I know he'd be crushed. We moved away from Ireland last April, he is feeling quite home sick and I think that is what has been causing our drunken fights, he just wont talk to me about anything and doesnt understand why i'm upset by this. I really dont know what to do, he wants to go home, and i dont because it seems like there is nothing there for young people at the min. and now this.

He has said serveral times that if i ever cheated on him he woulnt even have to think about it, he'd dump me straight away so I cant tell him if I want to stay with him. I just dont know what to do

Oryx

If you take the cheating out of it, your situation doesnt sound very rosy anyway. Do you two actually get on well apart from your bust ups? The lack of sex is telling. I wonder if there is a general lack of affection too.

I know people will say, tell the guy and get dumped. And based on your description of your relationship that may not be bad advice. But if you think there is something worth saving here, then you need to ask yourself all kinds of questions: Why did you cheat? Is there a chance it would happen again? Why do you and your fella argue so much? Could you both make things better? Is he interested in making things better? Can you both talk openly?

Honest answers to those will help you decide what to do.

Wompa1

DUMB ASS!! wrote: »

OP here, thanks for the advice.

I am pretty sure I didnt have sex with the guy, surely I would remember that?

I just dont know if there is any point in hurting him, if I tell him I know he'd be crushed. We moved away from Ireland last April, he is feeling quite home sick and I think that is what has been causing our drunken fights, he just wont talk to me about anything and doesnt understand why i'm upset by this. I really dont know what to do, he wants to go home, and i dont because it seems like there is nothing there for young people at the min. and now this.

He has said serveral times that if i ever cheated on him he woulnt even have to think about it, he'd dump me straight away so I cant tell him if I want to stay with him. I just dont know what to do

If you guys have moved away with each other to me this makes it even worse. Especially if he his homesick, that would of course lead him to being grumpy and if he doesn't talk about it and it comes out when he's drunk then he must be miserable and only staying there because of you which will mean this will hit him all the harder.

You need to tell him so he can break up with you and come back to Ireland. I would be the same if a girl I was going out with cheated on me I'd be devestated but would want to know and wouldn't hesitate to break up. It was be so much worse if you cheat on him and then it comes out weeks or months later.

If you don't remember if you had sex with the guy you should get yourself tested too. Did you wake up next to him?

I feel really bad for your b/f

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

That_Guy

DUMBASS!!! wrote: »

So as the title suggests I cheated on my boyfriend.

We're together 4 years now and both 22 and I cant believe I have done this. , but thats not an excuse I still did it and I feel like dirt.

I know I have to break up with him, he deserves someone who will treat him right but I cant tell him what I have done. He will hate me and I dont think I could live with that. I just dont know how I can face breaking up with the love of my life.

You have to live with your actions. If he hates you then so be it. You caused it not him. Tell him straight out and do it soon instead of dragging it out. If he was the love of your life you wouldn't have gone off with somebody else regardless of what problems might be in the relationship.

I cant believe how much of a fool I have been. We have had a few problems lately. We moved in together about 6months ago and since then my bf thinks we fight a lot (I dont, i think ever couple disagees about stuff and in my opinion disagreements are not fights!) we do fight a lot when we are drunk, he gets crazy angry with me over the strangest things! and we hardly ever have sex we went 3 weeks without it before, I try it on every night and he has none of it! I thought things would be fine that we would get thro it but then i go and do what i have done.

Even if you're having arguments that's no excuse to cheat on him. If you're having problems, talk it out. Cheating is not justified in this case.

I know every1 is goin to say i am awful, terrible, scum of the earth, which I am i cant even deny. There is no excuse for what i have done.

i just dont know how to end it

Just tell him the truth. The ball will be in his court then. If he is the "love of your life" so you say, then tell him and be honest about it. No point in papering over what you've done tbh.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Again lots of very good points here but I still dont think I can tell him the truth, he would of course have a lot of questions and i'll have to reply with is I dont know, why did u do it, 'i dont know', what happened 'i dont know'. what do u know, 'i know i think i cheated and my friend said she's pretty sure i did to'.

when he cheated on me (he kissed a girl in a night club he was really drunk and doesnt remember) but i saw it and i really wish i hadnt and that i never knew.

I am being a coward here I know but I think I will leave it until the new year to have a serious talk about where this is goin because we have a lot of issues that we need to address.

In answer to oxny, yes i do think there is something worth saving, he is an amazing guy and i love him to bits. I dont know why i cheated, i dont remember it at all. as for why we fight i think he over reacts to a lot of things (really showing our immaturity here) i say something he doesnt like and he'll huff and say something like oh here we go again, he doesnt like any form of critizim but surely guys grow out of that?

Wagon

DUMB ASS! wrote: »

OP here again.

Again lots of very good points here but I still dont think I can tell him the truth, he would of course have a lot of questions and i'll have to reply with is I dont know, why did u do it, 'i dont know', what happened 'i dont know'. what do u know, 'i know i think i cheated and my friend said she's pretty sure i did to'.

You did it because you were attracted to someone else more than him and you acted on it.

when he cheated on me (he kissed a girl in a night club he was really drunk and doesnt remember) but i saw it and i really wish i hadnt and that i never knew.

He isn't exactly perfect himself.

This doesn't sound like the relationship is worth saving.

I am being a coward here I know but I think I will leave it until the new year to have a serious talk about where this is goin because we have a lot of issues that we need to address.

Tell him now, let him make a decision and then live with it.

In answer to oxny, yes i do think there is something worth saving, he is an amazing guy and i love him to bits. I dont know why i cheated, i dont remember it at all.

I'm sure you remember more than you're letting on.

as for why we fight i think he over reacts to a lot of things (really showing our immaturity here) i say something he doesnt like and he'll huff and say something like oh here we go again, he doesnt like any form of critizim but surely guys grow out of that?

It depends, are you disagreeing or are you putting him down all the time?

To be honest, I'm pretty sceptical about that. You came here looking for advice, got it (ie. break up with him), rejected it with all kinds of excuses and then started justifying what you did. you are only thinking of yourself first so you dont exactly sound like the nicest person to be in a relationship with. The reason you don't want to break up with him is because you will miss the security of knowing that someone loves you. This is pretty clear considering how you much you say you dont want to hurt him. Being honest, if you didnt want to hurt him, you wouldn't have gotten off with the other guy.

The only thing worse than someone who cheats on their partner is someone who justifies it. So you have a choice. You can

a: do the right thing and tell him.
b: sit on your hole and do nothing and assure yourself that you're being kinder to him (when in reality, you're just being kinder to yourself)

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

You did it because you were attracted to someone else more than him and you acted on it.

He isn't exactly perfect himself.

This doesn't sound like the relationship is worth saving.

Tell him now, let him make a decision and then live with it.

I'm sure you remember more than you're letting on.

It depends, are you disagreeing or are you putting him down all the time?

To be honest, I'm pretty sceptical about that. You came here looking for advice, got it (ie. break up with him), rejected it with all kinds of excuses and then started justifying what you did. you are only thinking of yourself first so you dont exactly sound like the nicest person to be in a relationship with. The reason you don't want to break up with him is because you will miss the security of knowing that someone loves you. This is pretty clear considering how you much you say you dont want to hurt him. Being honest, if you didnt want to hurt him, you wouldn't have gotten off with the other guy.

The only thing worse than someone who cheats on their partner is someone who justifies it. So you have a choice. You can

a: do the right thing and tell him.
b: sit on your hole and do nothing and assure yourself that you're being kinder to him (when in reality, you're just being kinder to yourself)

Yes I am scared, I really dont want to lose him.

I am on a website where no one knows me so i have no reason to lie. I have absoloutly no memory of what happened, I mean at all. I remember playing beer pong, then it was morning, my feet were covered in blood to but I have no memory of cutting them either.

Oryx

Any chance your drink was spiked?

Wompa1

DUMB ASS!! wrote: »

Yes I am scared, I really dont want to lose him.

I am on a website where no one knows me so i have no reason to lie. I have absoloutly no memory of what happened, I mean at all. I remember playing beer pong, then it was morning, my feet were covered in blood to but I have no memory of cutting them either.

Did you wake up with the guy beside you? How do u know you cheated? If you were in bed how do u know you didn't have sex?

all4nothingxx

You need to tell him ASAP.... I was on the receiving end of being cheated on by my ex of almost 5 years. and we are in our early 20's. He didnt tell me until he knew i was going to be told. It made it a million times worse... The fact you cheated on him is bad but lieing to him for days and weeks after makes it so much worse and he certainly will not see past this. If you think he is the love of your life tell him,he deserves to know the truth. It is his decision what he wants to do then. You are being selfish not telling him and especially if he is feeling home sick, he clearly is only staying there for your sake. Please think of him in this situation.

Taltos

OP there is so much here it is hard to know where to start - but all of the previous posters have hit on what you need to think about. I am just going to restate them grouping them as well - hopefully it will help you, normally helps me.

1. Relationship
a) discussions / arguments - might be normal to you, but if they are making him unhappy then you do have a serious imbalance in your relationship and over time these "talks" will drive a huge wedge between you.
b) being away from home - this is not always the easiest things for some folk.
c) he is the one - surely then you can tell him anything...
d) Fights and drink - maybe cut down on the booze - if you know you both argue after it well remove the trigger here...
e) Incompatible sexually - you want it most nights - he can wait weeks - you need to talk about this - again this is something that is a relationship ender...

2. That night
a) you cannot remember if you had sex "surely you'd remember" - not necessarily - if you were wasted or drugged then no - you may have a memory block.
b) remember having a drink then nothing until feet covered in blood - this screams at me of ruppies - my wife got a taste of these years ago - luckily I was there to watch out for her - who was with you?


I think you might have to face facts here - there is a small chance that you did not cheat - there is an equally sized chance that you were date-raped.
This memory blackout is what is screaming at me.
Maybe get yourself checked out immediately - who knows - though it is way too late to find any phsicaly symptoms of rape - you may have contracted an STD.
Talk to who was there and conider going to the cops - this block may be known to them. Either way - you do need to talk to your bf - hopefully he will stand by you - but be prepared he might not. Also memories from these incidents can surface years later or never - all the more reason to get help now to prepare for that should it come back.

Best of luck - and think this through - maybe you did cheat - but maybe you didn't...

<< I am NOT saying cry rape here, I am just picking from your many posts to see what went on - shame we did not see the whole message at the beginning - it may have influenced what we suggested. IF you were raped you need help and support, if you cheated though you need to be honest to your bf - from above your relationship has more than 1 warning signal >>

curlzy

Hey OP,

Alot of harsh judgement here and some hysterical thinking. Firstly you don't know if you even cheated, you only have what your friend saw to go on and she was probably wasted too??? Have a good chat with the friend that was there and between the two of you try to work out what exactly happened that night. If you really were roofied then that'll become obvious when you try to piece the night together. Think about what you were drinking, how much, who you were with and where the blank spots are in the chain of events. If you had two pints then I would say yeah you probably were spiked but if you were downing vodka then probably not. Roofys really **** with your memory so if you have gaping holes in the chain of events then that would be an indication too. Either way I do believe you when you say you regret it and that you don't want to loose your bf. You guys have been stressed out and arguing, that's nothing that can't be fixed with some honest communication and hard work. You need to get busy figuring out what happened that night and then you really need to talk to your bf. Be completely honest about everything and tell him how much you regret it. I think people are being very harsh on you here. You don't need a lecture, a bit of support would be more useful to you. Before you do anything you need to figure out what happened and if you really think someone spike you then go to the police, they'll be able to get any cctv where you were and that could help fill in the gaps.

Best of luck.

Wompa1

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Alot of harsh judgement here and some hysterical thinking. Firstly you don't know if you even cheated, you only have what your friend saw to go on and she was probably wasted too??? Have a good chat with the friend that was there and between the two of you try to work out what exactly happened that night. If you really were roofied then that'll become obvious when you try to piece the night together. Think about what you were drinking, how much, who you were with and where the blank spots are in the chain of events. If you had two pints then I would say yeah you probably were spiked but if you were downing vodka then probably not. Roofys really **** with your memory so if you have gaping holes in the chain of events then that would be an indication too. Either way I do believe you when you say you regret it and that you don't want to loose your bf. You guys have been stressed out and arguing, that's nothing that can't be fixed with some honest communication and hard work. You need to get busy figuring out what happened that night and then you really need to talk to your bf. Be completely honest about everything and tell him how much you regret it. I think people are being very harsh on you here. You don't need a lecture, a bit of support would be more useful to you. Before you do anything you need to figure out what happened and if you really think someone spike you then go to the police, they'll be able to get any cctv where you were and that could help fill in the gaps.

Best of luck.

I would assume if she was drugged that would be her first conclussion. She jumped to the conlussion that she did cheat. I would trust her own instinct everyone should know themselves. I only know one person who got drugged and he knew it right away the next day. He only had 3 drinks and was all over the place.

If she does suspect that then it's a very serious allegation and if she was drugged whether it be by the guy who took her home or not I would imagine it would constitute to rape because she wouldn't have been in a state to consent??

curlzy

Roofies can affect your memory in a very serious way, she may not even remember her second drink never mind her 10th. She has no idea how her feet were bloody and can't even remember most of the night. It's not an allegation unless she's blaming someone, seeing as she can't remember who she was with would mean she can't pinpoint who it may have been. Rather than worry about an hypothetical rapist maybe worry about helping the OP figure out what happened??? That's why I gave her all the advice about piecing the night together with the girl that was there. Did you even read my post???

Wompa1

curlzy wrote: »

Roofies can affect your memory in a very serious way, she may not even remember her second drink never mind her 10th. She has no idea how her feet were bloody and can't even remember most of the night. It's not an allegation unless she's blaming someone, seeing as she can't remember who she was with would mean she can't pinpoint who it may have been. Rather than worry about an hypothetical rapist maybe worry about helping the OP figure out what happened??? That's why I gave her all the advice about piecing the night together with the girl that was there. Did you even read my post???

I did but in the context of her OP it seems like even though she can't remember much that her cheating is the conclusion she has come to meaning she didn't have any suspicions of being drugged. Which is telling...

audi4444

yer panickin ths girl fr nothing if she was date raped i'm quiet sure who ever he was would covered his tracks like being up before her.
anyway the neck of some people ths girl is young and believe or not sometime in ur life everyone has to sample the fruits and everyone is a liar if they say not. sometimes fr the faithful ones it might be the dirty glance of oh if i was young again,u might not go through with it but still form of cheating so grow up all judgement people give the girl abreak.
cheating takes all forms and most people are guilty weather ur going with someone or married under right circumstances and if u know u'll get away with it most people will cheat and its only sex means nothing.
i'd be worried over fighting from experience either my partner or myself will drink at any one time and it works no fighting great sex after heavy pour we get on lot better. drink has a lot to answer for if anything is going to break u up its the home and away thing.
going back to cheating thing i recently on a stag met married couple i went of with his wife fr night we all had great laugh all met in morning no guilt anyones behalf husband happy fr his wife . women have needs like men only some can control better than others but who's the happier person enjoy ur life its short enough.:D just to add cause someone going to ask i've no problem with my partner havin a bit on side done discrete out of town its healthy all envolved

Wompa1

audi4444 wrote: »

yer panickin ths girl fr nothing if she was date raped i'm quiet sure who ever he was would covered his tracks like being up before her.
anyway the neck of some people ths girl is young and believe or not sometime in ur life everyone has to sample the fruits and everyone is a liar if they say not. sometimes fr the faithful ones it might be the dirty glance of oh if i was young again,u might not go through with it but still form of cheating so grow up all judgement people give the girl abreak.
cheating takes all forms and most people are guilty weather ur going with someone or married under right circumstances and if u know u'll get away with it most people will cheat and its only sex means nothing.
i'd be worried over fighting from experience either my partner or myself will drink at any one time and it works no fighting great sex after heavy pour we get on lot better. drink has a lot to answer for if anything is going to break u up its the home and away thing.
going back to cheating thing i recently on a stag met married couple i went of with his wife fr night we all had great laugh all met in morning no guilt anyones behalf husband happy fr his wife . women have needs like men only some can control better than others but who's the happier person enjoy ur life its short enough.:D just to add cause someone going to ask i've no problem with my partner havin a bit on side done discrete out of town its healthy all envolved

Why out of town?

audi4444

well cum on even i don't want to know who she's shagged or wat she got up to:D

Wompa1

audi4444 wrote: »

well cum on even i don't want to know who she's shagged or wat she got up to:D

But does knowing she was up to stuff not bother you? How do you feel about going down on your wife the day after she went off and got with somebody else?

up for anything

DUMBASS!!! wrote: »

we do fight a lot when we are drunk, he gets crazy angry with me over the strangest things(

Alarm bells right there, never mind the rest of it.

Taltos

Wompa1 wrote: »

I did but in the context of her OP it seems like even though she can't remember much that her cheating is the conclusion she has come to meaning she didn't have any suspicions of being drugged. Which is telling...

Telling my a++, my wife still has no memory of that night. Had no clue she was spiked and when I told her what she got up to she would not believe me - "i would know if I was drugged..."

As per curlyz the op needs to consider this. What she is dscribing is not normal after just 1 or 2 drinks.

audi4444

Wompa1 wrote: »

But does knowing she was up to stuff not bother you? How do you feel about going down on your wife the day after she went off and got with somebody else?

well she's probaly knackered chance of havin sex with her is slim bar she feels guilty generally does not bother me she has go down on me not knowing where i had it stuck so works both ways i guess. as fr being someone else has helped our sex life she more promicous and open willing try everthing cums i think with havin more partners in fairness she had not sown her oats before we met.personally luv the thought of men cravin over her its a turn on fr me sick i know. talk soon wompa

Wompa1

audi4444 wrote: »

well she's probaly knackered chance of havin sex with her is slim bar she feels guilty generally does not bother me she has go down on me not knowing where i had it stuck so works both ways i guess. as fr being someone else has helped our sex life she more promicous and open willing try everthing cums i think with havin more partners in fairness she had not sown her oats before we met.personally luv the thought of men cravin over her its a turn on fr me sick i know. talk soon wompa

If it works for ya I won't knock it. It's not something I could do I don't think but good for you. Enjoy

killerking

DUMBASS!!! wrote: »

So as the title suggests I cheated on my boyfriend.

We're together 4 years now and both 22 and I cant believe I have done this. I cant even remember doing it, but thats not an excuse I still did it and I feel like dirt.

I know I have to break up with him, he deserves someone who will treat him right but I cant tell him what I have done. He will hate me and I dont think I could live with that. I just dont know how I can face breaking up with the love of my life.

I cant believe how much of a fool I have been. We have had a few problems lately. We moved in together about 6months ago and since then my bf thinks we fight a lot (I dont, i think ever couple disagees about stuff and in my opinion disagreements are not fights!) we do fight a lot when we are drunk, he gets crazy angry with me over the strangest things! and we hardly ever have sex we went 3 weeks without it before, I try it on every night and he has none of it! I thought things would be fine that we would get thro it but then i go and do what i have done.

I know every1 is goin to say i am awful, terrible, scum of the earth, which I am i cant even deny. There is no excuse for what i have done.

i just dont know how to end it

You are a 22 year old woman, you love sex, you want sex, you want to be intimate with a man but your bf went 3 weeks without touching you.
It would be a surprise if you didn't cheat to be honest.
Your bf comes across as very insecure and immature (you do also) and your drunken fights indicate that alcohol is a big feature in your relationship.
If this relationship goes on it could end up being abusive and perhaps violent.
Once again you are only 22 years old - there is no way this guy is the 'love of your life' because if you were still single you would have lots of dating options.
There is no easy way of breaking up but the most important thing is doing it and being honest - tell him you cheated, tell him it's not working and tell him you are moving out.
He'll get over it eventually and you will get over it eventually.
Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

omahaid

killerking wrote: »

you want to be intimate with a man but your bf went 3 weeks without touching you.
It would be a surprise if you didn't cheat to be honest.

You are joking surely? :eek: You must realise that your opinion is rendered worthless by this comment.