BF and Christmas

LegacyUser

I hope someone can help me figure out what is up with my long term bf of ten years.

When it comes to Christmas he gets very odd (to me anyway) -
He refuses to spend Christmas with me, he wants to spend it with his family and he gets really vicious if either his brother or sister suggests that they may not be home for Christmas. Also he doesn't want me at his for Christmas as its for "family only".

At first it didn't bother me but now I am sick and tired of it I have spent Christmas away from home and its not a big deal. I come from a large family and I love Christmas but I really really dont get my bf attitude I mean his like 33 now.

When I quiz him about what will happen when he is married he said nothing will change, when I say what about when we have kids, he says I can take them to my family.

This really grates on me and I also think its a reason for him to hold out on getting engaged.

I find this very childish but I just cannot understand its and I cannot make sense of why a grown man would be like this..

Please insight would be very much appreciated.

ElleEm

christmasblues wrote: »

he gets really vicious if either his brother or sister suggests that they may not be home for Christmas. Also he doesn't want me at his for Christmas as its for "family only".

Is he very family oriented usually? He seems to really enjoy Christmas alone with his family, maybe it evokes good childhood memories for him.
It does sound very selfish that he won't let you into that part of his life. Christmas is very important for some people, and obviously you want to share this time with him.
Do you get on well with his family? What do they think of you not attending their Christmas celebrations? Do they ever invite you? Do his siblings bring partners?

Fox McCloud

He plans to never spend christmas with his own kids, and your considering having kids with this guy?!

Theres liking christmas and there being stuck in the past trying to literally recreate your childhood. Sounds like, in regard to christmas, he refuses to grow up. We all loved traditional family christmases with just your siblings but most people when they get to the 20 age bracket christmas losens up and you start spending some of it with friends or your OH..

I guess the main question to ask is, is he like in the rest of your relationship? Does he cling to any other childish things or is he immature in other ways?

herya

you have been excluded from his Xmas for ten years and the same would apply to your (hypothetical) kids? It's truly bizarre and highly disrespectful. Why do you let him treat you like this?

LegacyUser

Well this is the first year his brother is not going to be there as he got married and will be spending Chrismas with this wife and I know he wasn't at all happy about this.... and his sister is staying with her partner this Christmas and this really upsets him.

I get on great with his family but no they have never ever invited me to spend Christmas with them.

He is very odd when it comes to his family and he tends to put them first and he has to visit them every weekend or he gets guilt trips but again he loves going home.

Its really bugging me as I have told him he needs to grow up and sorry to say this but your family wont be around forever and you need to create your own family and your own Christmas eventually. When ever I bring this Christmas issue up he gets very very volatile and sulks.

Taltos

Christmasbluews wrote: »

Its really bugging me as I have told him he needs to grow up and sorry to say this but your family wont be around forever and you need to create your own family and your own Christmas eventually. When ever I bring this Christmas issue up he gets very very volatile and sulks.

Looks like it might be time to follow through on this...
If you are still coming 2nd after 10 yrs it is long overdue for you to show him the door. Maybe once he realises what he has lost he might change - but at 33 I doubt it. Sounds more like you are dating a child...

tribesman78

Spending time with his family i can understand, but to exclude you is very strange considering you are making the effort to go to his. As for when your married with kids that is totally out of order. First year should be with your parents (if your into tradition) after that i think if kids are involved then its time to start having your own family Christmas and just go on visits to each others family around Christmas.

herya

is his family disfunctional by any chance? It's the only scenario I can think of when his behaviour could be justified - he would need to gather his siblings for support and he would like to spare you the unpleasantness.

Miss Fluff

christmasblues wrote: »

When I quiz him about what will happen when he is married he said nothing will change, when I say what about when we have kids, he says I can take them to my family

This to me rings pretty loud warning bells. A successful relationship is based on mutual respect and the ability to compromise. If he is so pig-headed and unwavering on this issue then what's he going to be like on other really important issues? Have you actually discussed your plans for the future together with him? Because the fact that he is so dismissive of you sharing the holiday season with him would worry me to be honest....:(

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Looks like it might be time to follow through on this...
If you are still coming 2nd after 10 yrs it is long overdue for you to show him the door. Maybe once he realises what he has lost he might change - but at 33 I doubt it. Sounds more like you are dating a child...

Bit over the top.Assuming this is only an issue at Christmas, then it's something you need to work on, but I wouldn't go dumping him for it!

People get very funny about Christmas OP.My own OH spent every Christmas of his life in another county...his parents would bring him to a relative's house there and he kept at it until 2 years ago at 26. Then the relative died, and his parents actually don't know what to do at Christmas now.It's considered not a "real" christmas when they stay in their own house for it, and he's like a headless chicken, driving from our house, to their house, sometimes back to ours with them in the afternoon. Last year, he spent the whole day on the road, driving to the other county and back again, when his parents chose to go back to the relative's house for the day......

I know other people who uproot their kids for years and bring them to opposite ends of the country because they "have" to be in some parent's house for the day, because "that's what we've always done".Even when the kids are older and don't want to know about going, they drag them along.

I'm not excusing your OH's behaviour, I'm just saying people get very odd about Christmas. You should try and talk to him about it,especially now since his brother is doing something different. Let him come around to the idea that things change in life.I wouldn't worry about "what if we have kids", deal with that when it happens.He is behaving very strangely, but honestly, if this is just an issue at Christmas, I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker or anything.

Taltos

Bit odd!! wrote: »

Bit over the top.Assuming this is only an issue at Christmas, then it's something you need to work on, but I wouldn't go dumping him for it!

Is it though really?
She has tried to talk to him.
He clearly does not respect her.
He also clearly will insist on his family (her & future children - his words) coming 2nd to his parents/sisters/brothers.
He has no consideration for his partner of TEN years who is miles from home - and lets face it has no-one.

Over-reacting? I thought I was quite calm and measured for a change - if I was overreacting I would have told her to pack his bags already and show this no good lazy f*rt the door. This guy clearly has issues - you have to wonder - if after 10 yrs you are still down the list how can it get any better?

seamus

Bit odd!! wrote: »

People get very funny about Christmas OP.

Yep, this is it. People like Christmas because when you become an adult, it's one of the few opportunites that you get to get your entire family together and sit around together for an entire day/weekend, just like it was when you were ten. It's comfortable and it's nice and it's happy.

It's very difficult to let it go - especially when there's no good reason why you should have to. From your boyfriend's point of view, Christmas is family time, and anything new which upsets this routine, in turn upsets him.

I think most of us experience this - there's a comfortable period in your late teens & twenties when it's just family, having a few beers, having a laugh, and being a family all living at home again. It's a nice plateau. But then people get married and have kids or move away and it all changes again, and it's tough to adjust.

Last year was the first time that one of my brothers wasn't there on Xmas day and this year is the first time in ten years that I'm spending Christmas Day with my wife, in her parents house. And it's going to be weird. And it's upsetting that things are changing, but that's life. And I'll still have fun, and I'll still get to see all of my family at one point or another, but things have to change and that's that.

FWIW, I can see part of your boyfriend's POV - if I wasn't married, I would still be going home to my parent's house for Xmas, and my gf going to hers (though I wouldn't kick up a stink if she wanted to join me).

All you can do is let him have his time - all he sees is you trying to upset Christmas for no particular reason. Things will change, and if you get married and have kids, he'll realise that you are now his family and he won't want to be away from his family for Xmas. Around the same time, he'll find that his siblings are married and doing something else for Xmas and his parents might abandon Xmas at their house and join one of his siblings. He'll still be upset that Xmas isn't what it was when he was 15, but he'll get over it.

You can try to reason with him and point out to him that Xmas can't stay like this forever, but at the end of the day if he's going to bury his head in the sand, then there's little you can do about it. I don't think it's a "breaking up" issue, tbh. If you think it's just a day and where you spend it is no big deal, then there should be no major hassle with letting the baby have his bottle.

milli milli

Have you talked about marriage and children with this guy?
Does he want to marry you?
I went out with a guy for 5 years and we never spent Christmas together. He went to his family whom he was really close to. I was never invited. It was a closed unit.
The guy never wanted to commit and never saw us getting married. I always saw him not asking me to spend Christmas together as a sign that I would never be a part of his family. We were really close and he was my best friend but he was never going to commit.

seamus

milli milli wrote: »

I went out with a guy for 5 years and we never spent Christmas together. He went to his family whom he was really close to. I was never invited. It was a closed unit.

But presumably you had your own family. Did you ever ask to join him for Christmas?

From my experience, it's extremely odd for any family to invite someone to spend Xmas with them, unless the person has no plans and no-one to spend it with. Otherwise it's assumed that you're going home to your family. It's not treated like a typical "party" where you get an invite willy-nilly; it's already assumed that you have plans and an invite will rarely be extended outside of the family unless you tell someone, "I have nowhere to go".

OP, just thinking in terms of my wife, I know she gets on well with my mother. If I was acting like your boyfriend, she would go over my head and ask my mother if it was OK for her to come for Christmas. My mother would say yes, and then I'd have no choice in the matter
That might not work for your relationship though

Pebbles68

Personally I'd be long gone. I simply couldn't accept such selfish behaviour. And in the future he doesn't want to spend Christmas morning and day with his own children????? That is bizarre in the extreme. If Christmas is "for family" what does that make you and your children?

tbh

based on what you've told us, all I can imagine is that he has a reason for behaving for this - i.e. it's not irrational on his part in the strictest sense of the word - it's just that either he doesn't know it, or he won't say it.

if he won't tell you why its so important for him to have this type of christmas, what he's doing is saying to you "this is how it is, you can either like it or lump it". and in reality, if he won't talk about it, then that's realistically all you can do - decide you're going to put up with it, or not put up with it. Is it a dealbreaker for you? are you willing to bet that he'll change eventually? if he doesn't, whos fault will that be?
these are the questions to ask. cause it sounds like if he doesn't change, every year it's going to make you crosser and crosser, unless you accept it now.

Kimia

Have you ever met his family? I know this is a bit of a mad suggestion but it sounds like he has another family or something with kids!! A double life. I know it's far fetched but it's SO bizarre!

perri winkles

I could understand this maybe if he lived far from his family and only saw them sporadically, but he sees them every single weekend? and kicks up a huge fuss over Christmas? Sounds like he's a spoilt child if Im honest OP.

Is there any special significance around christmas for him? Is he the youngest child maybe? Even still its very very strange behaviour after being together for 10 years. At this point I'd be sitting him down and letting him know that it just doesn't cut it and he'll either have to grow up or you're outta there.

Sorry OP it's a crap situation to be in

HavingCrack

seamus wrote: »

But presumably you had your own family. Did you ever ask to join him for Christmas?

From my experience, it's extremely odd for any family to invite someone to spend Xmas with them, unless the person has no plans and no-one to spend it with. Otherwise it's assumed that you're going home to your family. It's not treated like a typical "party" where you get an invite willy-nilly; it's already assumed that you have plans and an invite will rarely be extended outside of the family unless you tell someone, "I have nowhere to go".

OP, just thinking in terms of my wife, I know she gets on well with my mother. If I was acting like your boyfriend, she would go over my head and ask my mother if it was OK for her to come for Christmas. My mother would say yes, and then I'd have no choice in the matter
That might not work for your relationship though

I think you have it sumed up here . It would be very odd for any family I know to invite someone outside of the family (cousins or whatever) over for Christmas. It just isn't something that happens, you presume everyone is going to their family for Christmas unless they say otherwise. I do have to say the OP's boyfriend is behaving strange all the same, saying if he had children they wouldn't be welcome at his parents house . That's seriously odd.

milli milli

seamus wrote: »

But presumably you had your own family. Did you ever ask to join him for Christmas?

)

yes I had my own family and I invited him to my house but it wouldn't go. I can't remember if I asked him could I come to his. It was always just his family and that was it. He never wanted to go travelling with me either.

seamus wrote: »

From my experience, it's extremely odd for any family to invite someone to spend Xmas with them, unless the person has no plans and no-one to spend it with. Otherwise it's assumed that you're going home to your family. It's not treated like a typical "party" where you get an invite willy-nilly; it's already assumed that you have plans and an invite will rarely be extended outside of the family unless you tell someone, "I have nowhere to go".

)

I don't agree with this completely. Most years my aunt spends christmas with my immediate family because we are close. But several times she has been invited by various cousins and friends to spend Christmas with them.
I know of a lot of people who spend Christmas with friends too.

perri winkles

Yes usually it is just family for xmas in most cases, but the Op has been with her BF for 10 years, I presue they live together also? It's not really the same as having to invite maybe a cousin you wouldn't see very often. It sounds like they have plans for the future so it's not just some blow in.

Also, she has asked and he said no, it's not that he hasn't taken the initiative to invite her, like you would if you knew someone had no where to go, nor has he just presumed that she has family to go to.

The fact that he downright refused is weird.

tbh

sunflower27 wrote: »

Agree he is just behaving like a spoilt brat.

I think that the OP is in a tricky position, as she doesn't know the reason he's acting the way he is. Its easy to assume he's a spoilt brat, and maybe he is! but it's hard to know how to play it without knowing the underlying story. Thing is tho, after 10 years with someone, there really shouldn't be all that much you couldn't say to your partner, if anything.

iguana

seamus wrote: »

From my experience, it's extremely odd for any family to invite someone to spend Xmas with them, unless the person has no plans and no-one to spend it with.

That would be the opposite of my experience. Back from long before I was born my great-grandparents always had an "open house" on Christmas and by night-time they always had a full house of neighbours and extended family, and the extended family of neighbours - which continued up until I was in my teens and it became a bit much for them. My childhood Christmases started at our house, went on to my grandparents and then on to my great-grandparents, meeting different visitors in the different houses as everyone moved about all day.

Since our first year together as boyfriend and girlfriend I have spent Xmas with my in-laws, apart from the 2 years we couldn't get back to Ireland. And we usually move about a bit on the day as well, having guests at their house followed by attending a party or two in the evening and night. When we were in London for Xmas we either were guests of our neighbours or had guests. I find Christmas where I'm not in at least 3 houses during the day extremely boring as it's just the opposite of what I'm used to. For me Xmas is a big day of visiting.

OP, does he object to you spending the entire day with his family? What about a part of the day even? Maybe help him get used to the idea in baby steps? If this year is just going to be him and his parents he might welcome a diversion at some point in the day as he will be missing his siblings.

Jenneke87

This baffles me! Ten years and you've never spend Christmas with your "boyfriend" And if you are to have children, they are excluded from spending Christmas with their mother because their father whiskes them off to the Grandparents where mummy is not allowed to be for some reason? This never seemed strange to you? You are his partner, you should be above family, especially if he sees them every weekend. Does he leave you alone then as well, or are you "allowed"to join him during the weekends?

If I were you I'd find a man with less bizarre "family values" My 2 cents for tonight...

LegacyUser

Thanks OPS I cant figure him out but to ans a few questions:-

Yes we live together
Yes he is the youngest
Yes I have met his family on many occasions and get on great

rumby

hi
i am in a very long term relationship. both my boyfriend and i live within 2 mile of each of our parents. we live in our own house. he hates christmas. all his childhood memories of christmas are awful with his parents fighting. every year he dreads it. i get on very well with his family but i would never call to his home house around christmas. he tells me i dont understand and hes right i dont. im lucky i dont understand as i was brought up with no fights. christmas isnt a happy occasion for everyone. theres obviously a reason. dont nag him try to talk to him. good luck

LegacyUser

Well my OH loves loves loves Christmas so that is not a factors - its head wrecking on my part I just wonder will he ever grow up

LegacyUser

OP. you've been together for 10 years, you live together, you are family, are you not?

Chicago Chick

OP the one thing that would concern me is as it stands he has no intentions of spending any christmas with you and you are not given an opinion or any consideration in this decision.

I love christmas and my husband and I both went home to our own houses for christmas dinner for the first 7 years of our relationship but after we got married we spent our christmases together. First one with my family, second with his family and this year we will be at home in our own house as it is our first with our baby boy. I could not imagine him going home (even if it is only up the road) and leaving myself and our son without him on christmas day. Would you find this in any way acceptable?


Would you ask him if he loves christmas so much and he loves you why he does not want you to share in his christmas?