Met this great girl...but..(there's always a but!)

treakle

Hi all,
So, I’ve been seeing this girl for 5/6 weeks. Things are going great...she’s very attractive, smart, confident, ambitious, funny and most importantly a down-to-earth lovely girl...and I really like her.

So what is the problem I hear you shout!

The thing is that I am 31 and she is 35!
Now...usually age would never be an issue with girls...but the thing that has been niggling at me for a while now is that I would very much like to have children some day. I do not know if she would like to have children, as I think it’s a bit early in the relationship to be having conversations like that! I’m also aware that as a woman progresses into her mid-to-late 30’s that the risks involved in having children are greatly increased. Our relationship is now reaching that crossroads stage where it becomes ‘official’...you know the stage...meeting each others family and friends etc.
I would very much like it to become an ‘official’ relationship. I guess I don’t want to develop things further and get closer to her, and her to me, and have this niggling at me and holding me back from giving 100%. How do I go about finding out if she wants a family in the future? Am I being selfish for wanting a family if she doesn’t?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

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LegacyUser

Research this, you'll find that the risk of advancing age isn't isolated to the woman alone. The risk increases with increasing father age also. Bear this in mind- your "one day" is equally relevant, I wouldn'd be leaving it into your late 30's (whether you're with this girl, or another), put it that way.
I think, in any relationship in your 30's, it's a completely valid thing to bring up the children issue. But I think you have to question your motives also- if this girl is ticking every box for you, run with it! Life isn't a checklist, don't discount her as your future wife/mother of your children, solely because of her age. If you think she'd make a good partner, a good mum, what's stopping you moving ahead sooner rather than later? (as in, within 18months-2yrs)?

cinderella2010

I think its a reasonable issue and having suffered from infertility issues myself I can tell you how serious and stressful it is.

I dont think that at your age and her age that a "what are you looking for out of this conversation" would be out of place. I would appreciate the conversation but that is just me.

If I were dating someone I would like to know sooner rather then later if they are looking for marriage, kids, etc, instead of investing time and feelings for it to come out later on down the line that we are not on the same page and the other person never wants kids or marriage.

Perhaps go out for a romantic evening and introduce the topic carefully....

Go for it

merlie

I think if you love her it would not matter either way if you have or don't have children, it is being with the person you love. You are worried that she will be too old to have children when the time you want to have them comes around. My last bf asked me, how did I feel about children and did I want to have any in the future? You have to talk with her, don't come out directly with the question, in fact don't make it sound like you are directly asking her but you could ask her the way my last bf did, as it is getting her own opinion on it.

Also don't hold back your feelings for her, as she will then get the hint that something is wrong, and that's when you don't want to have to ask her that way about the subject.

treakle

Thanks everyone for your replys...they have all been very helpful
I think I'm going to take her out for a romantic evening and, after a few glasses of wine lol, gently probe the subject by asking her opinion on the issue...what are her hopes for the future etc.

I would consider myself one of the 'good guys' out there and would not want to hurt this girl in any way. I would like to think that I am being responsible by facing this issue early on and not causing hurt to her further down the line. But because I'm a very family orientated person I definately know that I want the whole family thing in the future. She actually seems to be very family orientated too...very close to her parents, brothers and sisters...and always talking about her nephews/nieces...so I am hopeful!!

Thank you again everyone.....why can't life just be simple lol...

herya

don't probe during a romantic evening or it can get very awkward! Why not to start a normal everyday conversation on this? Use her nieces as a starting point or perhaps you have any friends or relatives who had babies recently? Start from sth similar and keep it casual, no need to make a big song & dance as you can spook her whatever her outlook is.

LegacyUser

You could be talking about my relationship with my boyfriend! He's 31 and I'm 34. We've been seeing each other for nearly a year now, have said the 'L' word and all that craic!

I think he would like children. I'd like to have children too. Only thing that's putting me off is carrying and giving birth to them! We haven't talked about children yet, I still don't feel ready to talk about it, and he hasn't broached it either. To be honest though, if he had broached the subject at the five/six week stage, I don't think I'd have stayed with him. Just too much pressure, and I would've started thinking that he only wanted me to be a vessel for his children!

It really is down to you if you want to say it to your girlfriend, but I think it is very early to be saying something like that. It's a big ask, carrying a baby and giving birth is a huge toll on a woman's body. Keep that in mind if you decide to talk to her about children now.

Good luck