Surprising/Unpredicted Possible Romance...

LegacyUser

OK, where to start....

I'm Male, almost 30 yrs of age. I've been in the same relationship for the best part of the last 10 years. I love my O/H to bits. I'd do anything for her. We don't have kids, and are not married. We've been living together for the last 6 years (ie buying a house). We've never had any problems with our relationship, and It's like we were almost made for each other.

The problem is this:
Recently, a new girl started working in the company that I work for. At first we barely spoke to each other, and to be honest I didn't really think she was a nice person. Then after a while we used to have the odd chat in work etc.
Then there was the work Christmas Party last week. We spent a long time just having a drink, chatting & having the craic. But while all this was happening I could feel myself becoming more and more attracted to her.
That night I told myself to leave the party before I did something I'd regret. So I did.

The thing is, since then - she's all I can think about. She has hinted at the fact that she is attracted to me too; but has clearly stated that she would never get involved with someone in a relationship - which is only right.
We email each other through the day, meet up for lunch etc. If it wasn't for the attraction (or if she happened to be a guy) I'd see her as just a good friend.

But the fact that I'm attracted to her is making me feel so so guilty, I actually feel physically ill.

I honestly don't know what to do.... I came close to telling my O/H all about the feelings I've been having - but I know it would absolutely crush her. I've tried to get this other girl out of my head, but I have to see her every day! Sometimes we'll txt or chat online too. I find myself deleting txts - it feels like I'm going behind my O/H's back... The guilt is ripping me apart.

Can anybody please offer me some useful advice!

Thank You.

Miss Fluff

FeelingSoGuilty wrote: »

I honestly don't know what to do.... I came close to telling my O/H all about the feelings I've been having - but I know it would absolutely crush her

Do not under any circumstances breathe a word of this to your girlfriend.

You are towing a very fine line here imho because while I email or IM friends when I grab a minute at work, I don't actually want to sleep with any of my mates. You do. Which makes what could be seemingly innocent contact anything but. It's actually inappropriate.

Are you meeting for lunch just the two of you? Not on. And you text each other? Not on. And you're deleting texts as you KNOW you're on shaky territory here. Fine if there was no element of attraction but there clearly is so you're going to have to either a. distance yourself and/or b. change jobs or c. break up with your girlfriend if you do want to pursue this

While crushes are normal and can even enhance a relationship, you have already taken it that little bit further. And when you start shifting the boundaries like you are now, you're on rocky dangerous ground. Next thing it will be a drink after work. Or working late "just the two of you". Nip this in the bud now.

And just on another note, have you and your OH any interest in getting married? Marriage is not for some people and thats cool but do you actually not want to marry her? I only ask because you have been together ten years and I think a lot of people would be moving the relationship on by now. So maybe all this is merely symptomatic of a dying relationship and its time to make some hard decisions.

Beruthiel

FeelingSoGuilty wrote: »

I came close to telling my O/H all about the feelings I've been having

Nothing has happened yet and unless you intend to finish with your g/f, say nothing. It could be the end of ye.

Sometimes we'll txt or chat online too.

Cut it out. Quit having any contact with the girl. It's an infatuation and will go away if you stop feeding it.

The hills are always greener until you get there.
Is this worth loosing the great relationship you say you have with your g/f?

Start thinking with your brain again OP.
Reconnect with your g/f.

cinderella2010

OP do not do anything about this..

You have a good thing right, and maybe its become mundane over time but what is happening to you now is only a bit of excitement and that is all it is....

I have no doubt if you pursued this girl to see what happens it would be exciting and wonderful at first but would die down pretty fast and you would be left in a right big aul mess......

All it is, is something new and something different but what you already have is?????????

I would stop with the texts and chat and keep it professional and invest those text and chat into your actual girlfriend

Wompa1

Maybe cut off contact for a few weeks and focus on your girlfriend. In a few weeks you should be clear on what you want...

littlefish

Ok hold the phone here! The guy is not a monster and none of us know if what he is feeling is the real deal or not so this avoidance thing and get it out of your head thing is not for everyone.

OP I am in a situation v similar to yours. So similar in fact it shocked the hell out of me when I read your problem.

In my own situation I came here and everyone gave me the advice that you're getting. I tried to follow it. Cut off contact with the guy as much as I could without him noticing except he would just send me the friendly mail or the text and I was back to square one. I pretty much still am at square one but I have gained a fantasic friend in this guy and that is more important to me than romanace.

Plus why would I or you ignore a person that has done noting wrong. She is a friend and firends text and email. You are deleting the mail because you fancy the girl but the girl might be texting another 10 people and think nothing of it. It is important for everyone to remember that too.

The problem is this girl that you like might be a really nice person and friends are not always easy to come by.
Maybe sit and have a really think about the relationship you are in. Is it making you happy. Things fizzle over the years but sometimes get back on track.

OhMeOhMy

Start making reference to your g/f in your communication with the girl in work. Go off for lunch by yourself and tell the girl you are meeting your g/f. Do if possible but if it is not....who is to know and you are sending a clear message to this other woman

Say good bye quickly to her when leaving the office....making excuses that you have to meet your g/f for her gynacology appointments!!
Start asking this woman for opinions on gifts for your girlfriend for 'hypothetical' occasions etc

Make yourself seem as attached as is possible and this will all die down pretty quickly

Treat this woman as a male friend! It may be difficult at the beginning....but fake it till you make it. Tell jokes....a few friendly punches on the arm! :P

Use your imagination.......you want her to get the hint while not creating an issue

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again.

OK just to clear up one or two things... We weren't going for lunch alone. I was talking about in a group situation. Secondly, changing jobs just isn't a real option as someone here mentioned...

Anyway, I tried to distance myself from this girl over the last few days.... It just made me think about her more! Just for the record, I know I've said it already but NOTHING has happened with this other girl... but for some reason she has constantly been at the front of my mind for the past couple of weeks.

The harder I try to concentrate on my O/H and forget this girl, the more my mind wanders. I feel so so guilty and I know that this would really cause a lot of hurt if my O/H was to find out. I think what's making it so bad for me is the fact that I'm keeping something hidden from her. Up until now there is nothing we don't know about each other, ya know?

I know someone here also mentioned the whole 'grass is always greener' situation too. Part of me thinks that my feelings are getting so strong because i KNOW it's something i shouldn't pursue. It's almost as if I were to give in and just go for it - afterwards i'd be like "OK, got that out of my system - back to normal life now" .... but before anyone jumps down my throat for that, it's only a feeling - I could never do that.

Also, these feelings I've been having have really brought me to a bad place. I'm finding it hard to show my O/H any real affection. Every time she comes near me I feel like I'm being smothered and all I want is for her to leave me alone... This is really eating away at me.

Finally, thanks littlefish for sticking up for me, and your insight. It's a good feeling knowing that I'm not completely alone!

littlefish

Hi OP

Maybe you will have a bit of time off over Xmas to have a good think about your feelings.

I really hope it all goes ok for you whatever you decide to do. It's a horrible situation to be in.

Elle Collins

FeelingSoGuilty wrote: »

Sometimes we'll txt or chat online too. I find myself deleting txts - it feels like I'm going behind my O/H's back...

That's because you are. You're clearly not feeling guilty enough to knock of the furtive texts and online chats, so I can't say I have much sympathy for you supposed guilt-ridden condition.

You know what you should do here, so just do it.

Elle Collins

littlefish wrote: »

The problem is this girl that you like might be a really nice person and friends are not always easy to come by.

Friends who hint that they are attracted to you when they know you're in a relationship are the sort of 'friends' you're better off not coming by. I'd never do anything to unsettle any of my friends relationships and if this girl was genuine friend material she wouldn't be doing that either.

Kimia

totally agree Ellie. OP you know very well what you're doing is wrong, inappropriate and would devastate your girlfriend if she knew, but you're not thinking about your girlfriend, you're thinking about yourself.

You have a crush on a girl in work - wow, nothing new here. This happens all the time with people, you're not alone. What separates the men from the boys here (and the same with women) is the choices that they make following this type of crush. You have chosen to travel down the emotional affair route - and you are VERY close to committing full on adultery / cheating.

If you respect your gf at all, stop this behaviour. I know it's hard, and I know you feel like the girl in work is amazing, and she understands and gets you and you feel great because it's new and fresh and exciting, but you're fúcking with people's lives here.

STOP texting/talking online/ going for lunch with this girl. That's the only way you can cut yourself off and get some perspective. We have all been there and it's hard to do it but if you believe yourself in love with your gf well then step away from the hot girl in work. You know this.

ps. you're feeling guilty because it's wrong and you know it.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I have been in your situation on more than one occasion. I have managed to do both options that were on the table ie. left my gf and went after the new attraction and stayed with another gf and lost a friend. There is no real right or wrong here if you ask me. You just have to decide what you want and even though this sounds cruel and selfish its the only way. I was delighted the time I got with the girl I fancied for so long and left my GF but this only lasted until the next woman who showed me interest came along( I must add that this happened mostly in my 20s and now I am in my late 30`s). I am now married but there are times when I think "what if?" I love my wife very much but as long as blood runs through my veins I will look at other women, its the decision not to follow my urges that has made my marriage stronger day after day.
So my advice is think what YOU want with you current gf and if its not for you then end it and move on.

Sephiroth_dude

Cut all contact outside of work with her.

fungun

One piece of advice from being in similar positions:

dont do anything quickly, sit tight, sit tight, sit tight.

You have only begun to feel this way since last week. So you didnt even feel this way before then about the Xmas party.
The reality then is that she likes you and probably gave off some signals at the party that you, perhaps subconsciously, picked up on. So now suddenly she is a viable 'option' rather than just a workmate and is a looooot more alluring.

To me this is probably not a statement about her but a statement about your current reln and your thinking about where it is going...perhaps revisiting your decision to be with her (as is natural btw, check out any transition management/decision making literature) This girl is a symptom.

You are in a 10 yr reln. You have had feelings for this girl for a week. Take stock of the difference here. If in a few months you feel the same way about her, despite limiting contact...then maybe think about it. But for now, it sounds to me like the result of you realising you have 'an option'

cherrycool

Hi OP,

I have been in a similar situation. Three year relationship with my boyfriend, everything going perfectly, couldn't ask for a better OH, and then suddenly I fins myself having a crush on a guy in work. I felt so guilty and so totally confused because I love my boyfriend very much, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship, so I simply couldn't understand why I was having these feelings.

Basically, you need to make a very conscious effort to limit all contact with this girl. Stop flirting, stop texting, stop emailing. I know its probably fun and flirty - it was with me and this guy - which is a great feeling, but just stop. Unless you are considering breaking up with your OH - in which case, you really need to sit down and take a good, long, hard look at things - then this is nothing more than a crush. Which you will probably continue to feel guilty about having - I know I did - but lets face it; you are human, and these things happen. If this girl is the type of girl you would normally go for, then simply being in a relationship doesn't automatically turn off that 'spark' button. There really is no easy solution to this at all, you simply have to do your best to stay away, or stop flirting.

You keep saying how much its eating you up and how you don't want to cause your OH any pain, so you seem like a really nice guy - I hope it works out for you.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Sorry didn't read all the other responses so sorry if I'm repeating anyone. Speaking as a girl who is in a relationship with a guy who will do anything for her and loves her more than life itself, I'm telling you yes this will absolutely crush her. It'll take away her faith and trust in you, it will make her second guess herself, it will make her paronoid, it will make her feel unattractive, it will drive her crazy. Honestly that's just a taster of the emotions I felt when I imagined my OH telling me what you've just told us. Trust be told you're already cheating on her emotionally. You need to completely distance yourself from this other girl. You need to get your head back on your relationship, you sound like you love your partner so for the love of god give her the respect to get away from this temptation. The grass is always greener and you've been with the same girl for your 20s so you probably just have itchy feet. Imagine how you will feel if you throw away the love of your life (if that's what your partner is to you) and damage and taint a relationship that your happy in?

Best of luck.

booboo88

FeelingSoGuilty wrote: »

Hi all, OP here again.

OK just to clear up one or two things... We weren't going for lunch alone. I was talking about in a group situation. Secondly, changing jobs just isn't a real option as someone here mentioned...

Anyway, I tried to distance myself from this girl over the last few days.... It just made me think about her more! Just for the record, I know I've said it already but NOTHING has happened with this other girl... but for some reason she has constantly been at the front of my mind for the past couple of weeks.

The harder I try to concentrate on my O/H and forget this girl, the more my mind wanders. I feel so so guilty and I know that this would really cause a lot of hurt if my O/H was to find out. I think what's making it so bad for me is the fact that I'm keeping something hidden from her. Up until now there is nothing we don't know about each other, ya know?

I know someone here also mentioned the whole 'grass is always greener' situation too. Part of me thinks that my feelings are getting so strong because i KNOW it's something i shouldn't pursue. It's almost as if I were to give in and just go for it - afterwards i'd be like "OK, got that out of my system - back to normal life now" .... but before anyone jumps down my throat for that, it's only a feeling - I could never do that.

Also, these feelings I've been having have really brought me to a bad place. I'm finding it hard to show my O/H any real affection. Every time she comes near me I feel like I'm being smothered and all I want is for her to leave me alone... This is really eating away at me.

Finally, thanks littlefish for sticking up for me, and your insight. It's a good feeling knowing that I'm not completely alone!

Why are you stringing your "other half" along if you clearly dont have feelings for her anymore?
Its blatantly obv you've already made your mind up , its almost as if youre waiting for her to make the first move and then finish with the gf.
And you really think your other half is obvlious to you distancing yourself?
I hate to give out but what your doing is almost worse than sleeping with someone. its emotional, the wound goes alot deeper than you might think for your partner

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here again. I've taken on board everything that has been said here. I also had a chat with an old, close friend - who was recently on the receiving end of something similar to this; and gotten his advice...

There has been no contact between us since the job closed for Christmas. There was the odd "Merry Christmas" text but nothing more than anyone would send to all their friends... but I still cant get her out of my mind.

I'm sure this is down to one of a couple of things:

1. My current relationship has gone stale:
We're together so long that there is nothing new, nothing exciting; just nothing but familiarity. Also, I'm starting to really feel smothered, and getting really clingy vibes from my O/H - It's freaking me out; I feel like I've no independence.

2. I never got a chance to 'sew my oats' when I was younger:
We've been together through our 20's - which is the time most people spend exploring...

3. I feel like I'm missing out on single life:
I've been noticing my single friends recently all seem to be having a great time. Playing the field, going where they want, when they want... nobody to answer to....

4. I really want to give it a go with this other girl:
I don't actually think I would want to. I think the reality is that the interest from her has just sparked all the above feelings.. However, as I said; she is still dominating my thoughts!

I thank you all for your words of advice. Even those of you who berated me. I'm not going to do anything hastily anyway. I think for the next while I'll concentrate on my O/H and try to occupy my mind with other things rather than this girl.

booboo88

FeelingSoGuilty wrote: »

Hi all, OP here again. I've taken on board everything that has been said here. I also had a chat with an old, close friend - who was recently on the receiving end of something similar to this; and gotten his advice...

There has been no contact between us since the job closed for Christmas. There was the odd "Merry Christmas" text but nothing more than anyone would send to all their friends... but I still cant get her out of my mind.

I'm sure this is down to one of a couple of things:

1. My current relationship has gone stale:
We're together so long that there is nothing new, nothing exciting; just nothing but familiarity. Also, I'm starting to really feel smothered, and getting really clingy vibes from my O/H - It's freaking me out; I feel like I've no independence.

2. I never got a chance to 'sew my oats' when I was younger:
We've been together through our 20's - which is the time most people spend exploring...

3. I feel like I'm missing out on single life:
I've been noticing my single friends recently all seem to be having a great time. Playing the field, going where they want, when they want... nobody to answer to....

4. I really want to give it a go with this other girl:
I don't actually think I would want to. I think the reality is that the interest from her has just sparked all the above feelings.. However, as I said; she is still dominating my thoughts!

I thank you all for your words of advice. Even those of you who berated me. I'm not going to do anything hastily anyway. I think for the next while I'll concentrate on my O/H and try to occupy my mind with other things rather than this girl.

So you dont love your other half but are staying with her?
and your "familiarity" with your other half is because your with her 10years?????


If its stale then do something about it, unless you want to break up

liah

Op, just a thought-- she might be more clingy lately (depending on the time frame, of course, this is irrelevant if this has been going on for awhile) because she can tell you're not 'all there', if you know what I mean?

Why not try to make an effort and work on putting some new life into your current relationship to try to take your mind off of the girl?

curlzy

Just wanted to second what Liah said. The reason your OH is getting clingy is because she can feel you distancing yourself and it's panicking and confusing her. Who does she usually get reassurance from when she feels like that? From YOU, so she's coming to you for some reassurance and getting pushed away. Jesus can you not see how cruel your actions are? I feel really sorry for your OH, she must feel pretty **** to be getting that treatment from the person she relies on. You really need to get your head out of the clouds here. I think you're going to back here with a thread called "Oh god, what have I done, I threw away an amazing partner for a fling" if you don't knock this nonsense on the head and put some work into your relationship.

Best of luck

Eve_Dublin

OP you're 30 and believe me, I know a lot of people in their 30s panicking because they haven't found what you already have. "Sowing the wild oats" isn't so common after you hit 30, believe me and what I've noticed with my own single friends is sowing the oats is actually way to dessipate loneliness or having the hope that one of the people you meet will be "the one". I don't sow my oats anymore...it got old for me a long time ago and all I felt after was a hallow emptiness and a reinforcing of any loneliness I felt. Yes, I can go where I please and do what I like but now that most of my friends are in relationships and like to spend time with their other half, I end up doing a lot alone. That gets a little old after a while and I'd love to be able to share it with someone else. Don't be fooled into believing it's all fun and games.

That's the down side to being single in your 30s. There ARE positives as there are positives to being in any cirsumstance but I think a lot of people who've been in long-term relationships from their early 20s to their 30s have a distorted view of how things really are (I have a few friends in your shoes). What you described might be the way it is the last time you were single (sowing wild oats) but you're getting on. You need to think long and hard before you make your next move.

Just a warning.