Afraid to move forward with girl..

LegacyUser

Hi,

So I was with a girl on Sat night.. slept together and all that. She was giving me the usual another notch on the bedpost speech and how she didn't want to be used.

Well everything else just happened anyway. The next morning she was the same again, talking about the future already..albeit in a small way but still.

Now since then we've been texting her over 2 days and chatting online.. now she's beginning to go down the serious route and I am begninning to get the feeling she want's to take things further and much more seriously..

Now i'm the type of guy who is absolutely allergic to commitment/relationships in every way possible..i've been with the nicest girls in the past and have let them all go because I'm just simply afraid to get any more serious.. i'd just meet up a few times then cut all ties.

The problem is that she is good looking and I think I like her..i'm just not even sure now cause half says I do and the other half just says no way because of the possibility of a relationship/commitment issue.

what to do?

LegacyUser

Chill out, man! She likes you, you like her, neither of you would mind seeing more of each other...let it evolve. What's with the whole phobia re "commitment"/relationships, sure what's the worst that can happen, honestly? She texts you...ooh, panic, next thing she might suggest marriage Again, CHILL OUT. Take a leap of faith, take a chance, be a bit adventurous about it, you can't go through life playing it safe all the time! Otherwise, one day you'll wake up and everyone else will have paired off whilst you'll be the saddo bachelor still chasing the bit of skirt- who'll be either laughing at the state of you, or after you for your wallet. Up to you.

LegacyUser

Ok, you have some very good points.

The reason for me starting this thread in the first place is because i'm just sick of playing things safe.

I think my fear stems from my complete lack of self confidence..which is down to a number of bad experience in earlier years. If I stick with a girl then I fear things like meeting family expressing my feeings etc.. sounds pretty lame really but over the past year or so i've become a real recluse (the definition on wikipedia sums me up perfectly). Now I even find it hard to connect with people who have always even been close, also lost friends as a result.

I've just had a lengthy IM session with girl in question, it was quite intimate which was a little shocking but I was fine with it. We have arranged to meet up over the next week.

Now i'm just a little caught..do I meet up with this girl, have sex etc maybe even a few times. Then eventually cave and cut all ties..this would be dreadful for her i'm sure and don't want to hurt her.

Another BIG problem is that i'm being pretty shallow regarding her looks, while she is a good looking girl. I can't help but look at her in pictures with friends and think i'd prefer the friends.

I consider myself a typical user/guy in the sense that with girls I love the chase, then if they turn out to like/want me..I just lose all interest.

I think I have many more problems than the one described above, yes?

Now, that was a major rant.. apologies and thanks for reading!

seenitall

commitmentfear wrote: »

Ok, you have some very good points.

The reason for me starting this thread in the first place is because i'm just sick of playing things safe.

I think my fear stems from my complete lack of self confidence..which is down to a number of bad experience in earlier years. If I stick with a girl then I fear things like meeting family expressing my feeings etc.. sounds pretty lame really but over the past year or so i've become a real recluse (the definition on wikipedia sums me up perfectly). Now I even find it hard to connect with people who have always even been close, also lost friends as a result.

I've just had a lengthy IM session with girl in question, it was quite intimate which was a little shocking but I was fine with it. We have arranged to meet up over the next week.

Now i'm just a little caught..do I meet up with this girl, have sex etc maybe even a few times. Then eventually cave and cut all ties..this would be dreadful for her i'm sure and don't want to hurt her.

Another BIG problem is that i'm being pretty shallow regarding her looks, while she is a good looking girl. I can't help but look at her in pictures with friends and think i'd prefer the friends.

I consider myself a typical user/guy in the sense that with girls I love the chase, then if they turn out to like/want me..I just lose all interest.

I think I have many more problems than the one described above, yes?

Now, that was a major rant.. apologies and thanks for reading!

Look, OP, I think that you are already being very unfair on this girl. If she were able to read your last post on here (i.e. if she were able to know what you are REALLY thinking), she would be hotfooting it in the opposite direction from you as it is very clear that the two of you are at major cross-purposes: she wants a relationship ("a future", as you put it), you want the chase, the sex and you wouldn't mind getting it on with a good-looking friend of hers either. It's doomed.

I wouldn't immediately be branding you a user, because when you meet up with like-minded girls who like to have NSA sex, then you are not using anyone, obviously. What would make you a user is getting involved with someone who YOU KNOW has a completely different angle to yours, and then using that angle to get only YOUR immediate needs taken care of, leaving them and their needs dangling and unsatisfied. That's what makes a user: the awareness of using someone for chase/sex while going along with their perception of there being a "bigger picture". Deceiving someone for one's own benefit, essentially.

In my view, with this girl, you are obviously now skating pretty close to the user territory. Don't, OP. There is no sense in hurting people, it's not nice or kind or great for your own self-esteem either; the bad stuff we do in life, if we have any bit of conscience, will niggle at us too - a bad self-image is not a pleasant thing, and it all too easily becomes self-perpetuating. I speak from experience (not to do with your issue, but still).

Leave the girl alone, OP. Be completely honest with her if you can, but if you can't, just tell her that you are not ready for a relationship. That is the only fair thing to do in this situation. I have hope that you will take it on board as you do obviously have a conscience, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about this.

As for yourself, I would get myself some professional help, if I were you. The last sentence that I bolded of that post, is, to me, very indicative of a guy who is aware he has a commitment issue and wants to change that. But you won't be able to do that by yourself, experimenting with different girls and wondering which of them will make you stop wanting another conquest. It doesn't work that way. I think that you could really benefit from some in-depth counselling at this stage.

Best wishes.

EDIT: I'm sure that now I wrote this, there will be people on here pointing out that if you need counselling, then at least half of male population of Ireland needs it! My post is only my opinion, based on the way your posts read to me; no one need take it as gospel!

LegacyUser

So you're shy, self-conscious, have low self-esteem, had past bad experiences--- join the club! One you take your head out of the sand you'll realise people aren't paying you half as much attention as you think, they're only worried about THEMselves, their shyness, their lack of confidence, ect ect.
The author Maeve Binchy said an interesting thing once- she doesn't believe people who say they are shy/reclusive, she thinks it's just an excuse to be selfish.
Basically, it allows you to avoid meeting people, making polite chit chat, putting others at their ease. These all take effort, few people REALLY enjoy doing them, but we suck it up& get on with what is the social norm.
You're using your "lack of confidence" as an excuse to treat girls like glorified streetwalkers, and to justify it to yourself& others. Continue, by all means, but be honest with yourself about your true motives instead of hiding behind the smokescreen of "shyness"/"social recluse".

Darlughda

commitmentfear wrote: »

So I was with a girl on Sat night.. slept together and all that. She was giving me the usual another notch on the bedpost speech and how she didn't want to be used.?

There she was laying bare her needs and desires, so there was your time to say yours. Own up to having a problem with commitment etc. Why did you chicken out?

commitmentfear wrote: »

Well everything else just happened anyway. .?

No, things did not just 'happen' anyway. You either gave her the impression that you were both on the same page, or you did the cowardly act of not being honest about your problems with relationships.

commitmentfear wrote: »

The next morning she was the same again, talking about the future already..albeit in a small way but still.

Yes, giving you another chance to come clean and be honest, and you chickened out again.

commitmentfear wrote: »

Now since then we've been texting her over 2 days and chatting online.. now she's beginning to go down the serious route and I am begninning to get the feeling she want's to take things further and much more seriously...

No wonder she is going down the serious route, because you have deliberately withheld crucial information from her, and enabled her to believe that you are for real. Accept responsiblilty for this ffs!

commitmentfear wrote: »

Now i'm the type of guy who is absolutely allergic to commitment/relationships in every way possible..i've been with the nicest girls in the past and have let them all go because I'm just simply afraid to get any more serious.. i'd just meet up a few times then cut all ties....

This. This is the crucial information you should have and had a responsiblity to tell her when she first brought up the issue of not being a notch on the bedpost speech, and every opportunity afterward. Why could you not be honest with this crucial information?

As a question to you OP, this seems to be incredibly common amongst men in particular, why can't honesty be part of this?

LegacyUser

Because he knows that if he was honest about his intentions/lack thereof, then any girl who is halfway decent/has any respect for herself, wouldn't jump into bed with him.
He wants his pleasures, therefore he dodges the truth, then wonders afterwards how to worm his way out of the situation. It isn't clingy girls, it's him giving off vibes he wants to be with them- which he does, only just carnally, please and thank you.

LegacyUser

Some great responses here. Some not so nice to hear but true all the same.

I suppose the truth is I was selfish on the night, was dishonest.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I do like the girl.. I think it's just my fear of a serious relationship thats cast doubt over the whole thing.

I think the next time we meet up i'm just going ask her what exactly she is expecting from this and that i'm just unsure/not really ready for something serious. I'll tell her that I don't want to move another step forward with this if she expecting more so that she doesn't get hurt.

I'm going to look like an a**hole whatever it comes out. I understand that as I get older this kind of carry on isn't acceptable as it can leave the other person hurting pretty bad.

Another thought that has been going through my mind is to actually say nothing and go with this. The reason is that this feels so much more different to any previous "relationships" i've been in.. A part of me feels that this could grow into something great but is daunting because i've never done this before. I know a lot of you will nearly get sick reading this as it sounds like i'm just trying to excuse playing this one out a little longer. That is also a concern of mine and any thoughts appreciated.

I'm 23 now, and the main reason for this thread is that i'm sick of the way I am now. I feel that if I don't start dating properly now then I may never get into it. At this stage, I can't actually think of any of my friends that haven't had a serious relationship..except me.

Thanks

Darlughda

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useandabuse wrote: »

Because he knows that if he was honest about his intentions/lack thereof, then any girl who is halfway decent/has any respect for herself, wouldn't jump into bed with him..

Hi, fossil from the 1950's, women need and want sex, so this kind of stuff happens. What the hell do you meean by a girl who is 'halfway decent'.

This is fascinating it almost deserves a thread of it own.

useandabuse wrote: »

He wants his pleasures, therefore he dodges the truth, then wonders afterwards how to worm his way out of the situation. It isn't clingy girls, it's him giving off vibes he wants to be with them- which he does, only just carnally, please and thank you.

Dodging the truth to get his pleasures? Wow, just the man you might trust with your life? An alert should be out about the likes of you.

LegacyUser

The issue is he hasn't been meeting girls who're interested in ONS's (which incidentally I have no issue with), he's been meeting "fossils from the 1950s" who can't separate sex from emotional attachment. And even knowing beforehand that they ARE "fossils from the 1950s", he continues on regardless. So no, these fossils wouldn't give him the time of day if they knew what he was really like, not because they're in any way better/superior to the ONS liberated folk, but because they're just on different paths in life. Simple as. Different strokes for different folks.
Darlughda, the sarcasm wasn't called for. Chill.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.
If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.
Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.

Ickle

beks101

There's nothing wrong with wanting no-strings sex OP. What's wrong is not spelling it out to the girl you're after it with, at any early stage and not after the event. Generally we ladies don't find the NSA stuff as easy as men do, though there's also an abundance of women who want just that - these are the women you need to find.

Saying that, you sound like you're ready for a change. Maybe you should give this girl a shot, throw yourself out of your comfort zone. You're going to have to learn the relationship ropes at some point and you sound like you're getting sick of your casual encounters at this stage. I'd say your 'uncertainty' about this girl, comparing her to her friends, doubting how much you like her etc is your typical commitment-phobe reaction when you get into these types of situations. Ignore those instincts and ask her out, get to know her. You never know what could happen

LegacyUser

Ok, been texting again tonight. I'm already beginning to feel like i'm using her becuase she's openly suggesting that we're going to have sex the next time we meet. I feel like crap knowing what's going through my mind.

We're going to meet up over the weekend and before anything gets started i'm going to tell her how i'm feeling. I'm going to say I've never done "serious" before and not sure i'm ready.

Should I leave it at that? Before we last hooked up she let slip that she had been used before. I'd like to tell her the reason i'm coming clean is that I don't want to affect her confidence and feel there's something wrong with her.

This is going to sound awfully like a break up talk and that I don't want to see her anymore, which is not the case. I just want her to be prepared for what might or might not happen. Should I expect her to up and go after I say my bit?

Thanks.

seenitall

I am so glad that you want to do right by this girl, OP. By the sound of her, the last thing she needs is to have her confidence about herself undermined yet again by another instance of feeling of being used.

However, I can't predict what her reaction will be. Maybe she will decide to risk it with you, or she may run. I do have a hunch that she may already be quite into you (she sounds the type) so it will quite probably be the former, actually. The important thing is to let her know about your track record because she can only make an informed decision about you with knowing all the pertinent facts. And the facts that you have to disclose are very pertinent to both her feelings and any kind of future you two might or might not have (when I say "facts", I mean that even telling her about never having done "serious" and doubting you are ready for it IS a big thing and will matter a great deal).

Talk to her, OP. Talking about these things with someone you like and trust is connecting to someone. You are making huge strides!

LegacyUser

Right i'm going to say it to her..

This is going to sound pretty sad but what if she takes it really badly because I have already led her along a bit..and then it ruins her christmas.

Now, i'm not saying i'm that spectacular and we have only hooked up once so it shouldn't be that big a deal. I don't want to make her miserable over christmas.

I've come to the conclusion that I do actually like this girl because i've been pretty much thinking about her non stop and can't wait to see her again.

BUT, this just has to be done for her sake.. i'm sure i'll just get over it whatever happens..

Wish me luck!