Scared of sex and intimacy

LegacyUser

OK so I don’t quite know how to go about this, so I’ll just start….

A few weeks ago I met a guy through friends, instantly attracted to him, started texting, chatting on FB, been out a few times. We get on really well and I really would like this to go somewhere. However, I’ve been thinking the last few days about sex and intimacy with him, and I have to say it scares the hell out of me.

Now I’m no virgin; quite the opposite in fact. I do know where some of my hesitations/fears towards getting intimate with him come from, in my late teens I was physically, sexually and mentally abused by a friend, over a period of about 18 months/2 years. I don’t want to go into too much detail but it was an horrific experience and very violent and I’m physically and emotionally scarred from the whole experience.

The last year or so for me have been quite good though, emotionally, I have one really good friend I was able to tell and talk everything through with and really felt like I had come to terms with it and got on with my life.

The thing is, I know now that it has really skewed my attitude towards sex. I have spent the last year or more not interested in having a relationship – nothing strange there I don’t think, at my age (I’m in my early 20s). Instead, I had one ‘relationship’ that turned out the guy was interested in me purely for sex (my self esteem being so shattered I went along with it) and a continuous series of one night stands. I kind of felt like I was “claiming” sex back for myself if you know what I mean, and enjoyed it. I liked the easiness and casualness of one night stands, and certainly never looked for anything more than that. Samantha from the Sex and the City, eat your heart out.

However, this guy has made me think about my whole attitude and everything I see to do with sex. As I said, I really like him, and so decided I didn’t want it to just be a one night thing, I actually would like to try something a bit more now. Obviously, I would like to reach that stage, at some point, but now I don’t know when or even how.

Now it’s not serious with him yet, but even if it doesn’t get serious I realise I need to sort this out. Because I do find him attractive, and he does seem to be very interested in me, and as I said, I would like to try and take this further, and obviously sex would be part of that. However, I have to admit I am terrified of the whole idea. I cannot understand why; I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, and it is certainly something I get a lot of pleasure from. But the thought of sleeping with this guy that I actually really like scares the hell out of me. We have kissed a lot, and he tried a couple of little gropes as guys will, which I brushed off. All total normal and understandable this early into things. The thing is, I don’t know what is considered “acceptable” or whatever when it comes to sex and going out, and I feel I’m probably holding back physically a lot more than might be considered “normal”, and that he might take this the wrong way. I don’t know him well enough yet to tell him what happened to me – in fact, only one person knows, the aforementioned friend. I don’t want to just jump into bed with this guy, but I don’t want to be so reserved that he thinks I am not interested or attracted to him. I know people say you should only go as far as you feel comfortable, but the whole idea of intimacy now terrifies me, and I know it may sound stupid but it’s really affecting me.

I also cannot understand how this guy could be interested in me. I’ve never had a proper boyfriend, and guys have only ever seemed to see me as someone to sleep with and that’s it (and I won’t lie, I certainly went through a period of seeing them the same way). I really can’t comprehend how he seems as keen and interested as he does, what he possibly sees in me beyond an easy shag?? He doesn’t know about my ‘past’, and we get on fantastically, but I just do not believe in myself in any way to see how he could be interested in me for more than that.

I'm not sure what I’m looking for coming here – some sort of advice, help? I know people will suggest counselling or whatever, but part of the reason I am putting this up here is because I can’t possibly afford it, certainly not at this moment in time.

I know this is probably rambling and terribly long, I do apologise for that, and hope someone can help or offer advice. I just want to know what progression of physical intimacy is usual/normal, what is too long (I don’t want him to think I am only f**king with him – excuse the pun) and that sort of thing. I know there are deeper issues to be dealt with, but right now this is what is really bugging me.

Again, apologies for length, if anyone even bothers to read this far!

beks101

Hi OP,

You're obviously going through a lot of confidence and self esteem issues as a result of the abuse you suffered a few years ago, and this has skewed your notion of boundaries when it comes to sex and intimacy.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. You were wronged, in such a huge and horrible way and I hope this person is long gone from your life and paid in some way for their actions. However, that's not the point. The point is that you are clearly a decent and good person who is worthy of happiness just like anybody else - don't let them take that away from you.

Why would you not be entitled to a loving and healthy and relationship, like anyone else? From reading your post I get the feeling you've been acting out through sex ever since you were abused. I think this was a sort of form of self-protection for you - 'using' guys before they could use you; jumping into the physical act before they could get under your skin and hurt you. Allowing sex to be just purely a physical act so that you could control your feelings and not get hurt.

I can imagine how the idea of sex being so much more would be scary...sex with someone who you already have feelings for, where you could potentially get hurt. Don't put too much pressure on yourself here, it will happen naturally in its own time. If this guy really likes you, and it sounds like he does, he's not going to go running if you don't sleep with him straight away.

Talk to him. You don't have to tell him everything about your past straight away, but just make it clear to him that you really like him and you're interested in more than a physical relationship with him and that's why you don't want to jump into bed with him. There's no 'time period' in which you need to do it before he loses interest or before it becomes just another glorified one night stand...this guy already thinks you're fantastic, he's already hooked in you as a person. Best of luck x