Running out of time....

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm going to try and explain this as concisely as possible. Basically 2 years ago I began dating a man who is from India. I loved him very much, and although we had our arguments, mainly which possibly occured due to a difference in culture, I still felt very strongly for him. I myself am an Irish female. However, last March we broke up for good as the arguments had become too frequent, most we're mainly due to my feelings that I hadn't been with enough men to know I could make a commitment to just one person. We work in the same department in work together, so avoiding one another has not been possible, and Im afraid to say we had been sleeping together up until recently. However, at the end of August, he sat me down to tell me that his parents were arranging a marriage for him at home for the beginning for 2011. I was quite shocked to hear this. I couldn't (and still can't) get my idea around the concept of it all. We vowed then to spend all our time together until the point he has to go home as we know after that it will never be the same again...

Basically, he has asked me to marry him, but I said no. I said no because my parents wouldn't approve (I'm 24) and I feel I'm too young and have alot left I want to achieve, such as travelling etc. But at the same time, I know once hes gone I've lost him forever....and I really feel an overwhelming sense of love for him. When we get on, we get on very well. Much of the arguing has been due to the fact that neither of us want him to get married, but at the same time I don't feel I can marry him yet either. He will be returning to Ireland in Feb mit wife.

Sorry for rambling but my head is fighting so hard with my heart on this one....I know we only have one more week together as we are. My heart is literally breaking, yet Im not able to make a decision. One minute I think I should throw caution to the wind and say yes before I lose him forever, and on the other, I think I'm being silly and bound to meet someone else, but Im finding the pain unbearable at the moment and can't stop crying. Any thoughts/advice? Thank you all so much in advance.

Dinge

I've not quite got advice but want to throw a couple of things out there.

You said no to his marriage proposal because your parents would disapprove? I know you're still young but 24 isn't that young..

You also say if you marry him, you're not going to achieve things or go travelling? Why is this?

How sincere is this bloke's marriage proposal? Would he be risking alienating his family if he turns around, tells them sorry I'm not going to marry the wife you've picked out for me?

What concerns me is that you've already broken up because you were arguing a lot. His ring on your finger's not going to change that. It's not good either that you're sleeping together. I'm sure there might be those who reckon he's using you for sex til he gets married. How real is your relationship at the moment?

Neyite

I think your judgement is being clouded somewhat by this 'now or never' thinking.

break it down -
-you broke up because you argued. a lot.
-you are only 24 and dont feel ready for marraige, and if you did, you are not sure its with him.
-you care about him, yet you speak of love in the past tense.
- you want to travel, and have the choice to do other things, which is difficult or even impossible if you are married - in other words, you cant be selfish, you have to compromise.

if he was not going to get married, you know what your answer would be.

he has his own reasons for proposing - and that is 'better the devil you know'. he is not proposing because he loves you, he is proposing to get himself out of an arranged marraige with a stranger, not because he wants you as a wife. dont you deserve more than this? Im sure that it cant be easy for him in this situation, but you cant live your life sacrificing your happiness for someone elses.

if he goes, you will heal, you will get better, I promise.

johnboysligo

sonconfused wrote: »

at the same time I don't feel I can marry him yet either.

You answered your own question
I hate to be blunt but it just looks like you know the answer.

sonconfused wrote: »

I think I'm being silly

Silly would be rushing into something like marriage without feeling you are ready.

tenchi-fan

24 in Ireland is very young. In other countries people in their 20s are much more mature. Being immature is not a bad thing - Mature often translates as boring and maybe that's why you're afraid of committing to this guy.

It also sounds like you think you could do better. Your excuse for not committing to this guy is you want to go travelling... you do realise that married couples can still travel the world together?

I'll also ask, have you been in a long-term relationship before? Or what's so special about your relationship with him? It sounds very much like this romance has only been heated up by the fact that he is going away. You're romanticising the whole notion and getting lost in the drama. It's no different to a holiday romance with some English guy while you're in Tennerife. Just admit that this guy is not the one and let him go.

LittleBook

+ 1 to everything Neyite said.

And I really don't like the way he's making YOU responsible for HIS life. The only way he can get out of the arranged marriage is if you marry him?

How utterly selfish and cowardly.

tenchi-fan

LittleBook wrote: »

+ 1 to everything Neyite said.

And I really don't like the way he's making YOU responsible for HIS life. The only way he can get out of the arranged marriage is if you marry him?

How utterly selfish and cowardly.

Sorry, this is complete hypocrisy. The amount of male bashing that goes on in these threads is staggering.

The main issue is the guy is from a different culture. So you have the same situation playing out in two different ways:

• The op doesn't want to marry because it would disappoint her parents. She feels she is too young. She feels there are many more men out there she wants to meet before making a decision.
  
• The Indian guy doesn't want to not marry because it would disappoint his parents. He feels it is time to get married. He has another person out there who he must marry if the op doesn't change her mind.

The fact is, he made his proposal. He was turned down. He's giving the op a last chance, after which she misses the window of opportunity and has to live with her decision.

LittleBook

tenchi-fan wrote: »

Sorry, this is complete hypocrisy. The amount of male bashing that goes on in these threads is staggering.

Spare me the man-bashing accusations, if you please. My response would be exactly the same if it was a man posting about a woman.

tenchi-fan wrote: »

The fact is, he made his proposal. He was turned down. He's giving the op a last chance, after which she misses the window of opportunity and has to live with her decision.

I would agree with you except that the OP has made it clear that she's not ready for marriage (and not just because of her parents), they'd already broken up because of this.

The guy doesn't want to get married. There's nothing in the OP to indicate that he feels it's time to get married, but he'll marry the OP rather than the arranged marriage.

The OP is clearly distressed and "running out of time" so, to me, the whole thing smacks of emotional blackmail.

If it's as simple as you believe, the guy should just walk away and leave her to her decision.

Anyway, enough about me, what's your advice for the OP.

tenchi-fan

LittleBook wrote: »

If it's as simple as you believe, the guy should just walk away and leave her to her decision.

Anyway, enough about me, what's your advice for the OP.

I already gave it.. scroll up..

my advice was the op should just walk away and leave the guy to his arranged marriage.

Whispered

OP - I had a conversation about this with one of the men I work with before. He's indian muslim, going out with an irish girl.

Basically, if the family is of the traditional arranged marriage type, then you need to look at what sort of life awaits you. In their culture the new bride moves in with the husband and his parents and looks after the parents. I don't know if you considered where you would live but these men have an admirable loyalty to their families and their traditions and if he will go along with an arranged marriage, he will go back to fulfill his duty of caring for his parents in their old age. Of course a very admirable quality, but something you should discuss.

I asked about his arranged marriage, and if his girlfriend is aware of it. He said that until he reaches his mid 20's he will not be told of the marriage or the woman, indeed there may not even be someone "found" by his parents yet. He said if he wishes to marry for love his parents would be accepting of it, but she would be expected to adhere to their cultures. He has told me that even though he considers himself a modern man, he would find it difficult to marry outside his culture. He could not justify falling in love with a girl here, then expecting her to change (dress, habits etc) if they ever moved to his homeland. And the likelyhood is he would want to move back. For this reason he would not like to marry his irish girlfriend.

I know it's not the same situation - and your boyfriend (ex bf?) may feel differently. But hearing about some of the cultural concerns from another person may help you?

keithclancy

Whispered wrote: »

OP - I had a conversation about this with one of the men I work with before. He's indian muslim, going out with an irish girl.

Who said hes Muslim ?
He could be Seekh, or even a Catholic, its not just the muslims that have arranged marriages

Beruthiel

sonconfused wrote: »

Basically, he has asked me to marry him, but I said no.

And because you said no, he's going to go back to India and do what his parents tell him?
At no point did he think to just say no to them and live his life the way he want's to?
Instead he puts you under huge pressure and basically holds a gun to your head expecting you to to 'save him' because he can't do it himself.

Sorry OP, he sounds weak and I'm of the opinion that if he really wanted to be with you he would be doing everything in his power to make it happen.

Were I in your shoes, I'd see myself as nothing more than the back up escape plan that went wrong.

Right now you're upset.
But you're 24 and in a years time you will have moved on and will eventually find someone who is far less complicated and life will be fantastic.

johnboysligo

Beruthiel wrote: »

And because you said no, he's going to go back to India and do what his parents tell him?
At no point did he think to just say no to them and live his life the way he want's to?
Instead he puts you under huge pressure and basically holds a gun to your head expecting you to to 'save him' because he can't do it himself.

The op's Indian guy would probably be ostracized if he refused his parents wishes. The normal thing for him would be to obey his parents. That said its too much of a "marry me or else" situation imo the op shouldn't rush into anything as serious as marriage under a time limit.

Zen65

sonconfused wrote: »

One minute I think I should throw caution to the wind and say yes before I lose him forever, and on the other, I think I'm being silly and bound to meet someone else, but Im finding the pain unbearable at the moment and can't stop crying.

First off, you sound very much like somebody who is not ready for marriage. This relationship is far from ideal (cultural differences, arguments, different ambitions) and even before the whole marriage thing arose it seemed to be on its way out. The fact that you two still occasionally sleep together is really not a sign that there is anything there worth salvaging. If anything, it's just taking an easy option.

Secondly, you can be sure that if you move on you will find somebody else. It won't happen quickly because next time you'll actually be looking for compatibility at the outset. There really is no such thing as a sole mate, just degrees of compatibility.

And thirdly, the pain. I'm afraid that's just part of the package of emotional growth which occurs when you end a relationship, especially in the stressful situation you're in now. In time you will understand that this is good pain, unlike the bad pain and suffering which occurs when you find yourself in a relationship where you feel 'trapped' with somebody with whom you have little in common, or where there is no real love and you cannot agree on issues such as how your children will be raised.

It is a terrible mistake to avoid the good pain and instead set yourself up for a life of bad pain.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

Beruthiel wrote: »

And because you said no, he's going to go back to India and do what his parents tell him?
At no point did he think to just say no to them and live his life the way he want's to?
Instead he puts you under huge pressure and basically holds a gun to your head expecting you to to 'save him' because he can't do it himself.

Sorry OP, he sounds weak

In my college years I had a good friend who was Indian, and he regularly feared that his parents were arranging a marriage for him back in India. It is probably incomprehensible to us, but the Indian culture places an expectation on its young that this is how life should be, and breaking this tradition would be as difficult for them as "outing" an abusive priest would have been in Ireland in the 1950's.


Be at peace,

Z

Whispered

keithclancy wrote: »

Who said hes Muslim ?
He could be Seekh, or even a Catholic, its not just the muslims that have arranged marriages

He did during our converstion. Is that ok with you? Way to contribute to a thread by the way.

OP have you come to any decision?

wasper

sonconfused wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'm going to try and explain this as concisely as possible. Basically 2 years ago I began dating a man who is from India. I loved him very much, and although we had our arguments, mainly which possibly occured due to a difference in culture, I still felt very strongly for him. I myself am an Irish female. However, last March we broke up for good as the arguments had become too frequent, most we're mainly due to my feelings that I hadn't been with enough men to know I could make a commitment to just one person. We work in the same department in work together, so avoiding one another has not been possible, and Im afraid to say we had been sleeping together up until recently. However, at the end of August, he sat me down to tell me that his parents were arranging a marriage for him at home for the beginning for 2011. I was quite shocked to hear this. I couldn't (and still can't) get my idea around the concept of it all. We vowed then to spend all our time together until the point he has to go home as we know after that it will never be the same again...

Basically, he has asked me to marry him, but I said no. I said no because my parents wouldn't approve (I'm 24) and I feel I'm too young and have alot left I want to achieve, such as travelling etc. But at the same time, I know once hes gone I've lost him forever....and I really feel an overwhelming sense of love for him. When we get on, we get on very well. Much of the arguing has been due to the fact that neither of us want him to get married, but at the same time I don't feel I can marry him yet either. He will be returning to Ireland in Feb mit wife.

Sorry for rambling but my head is fighting so hard with my heart on this one....I know we only have one more week together as we are. My heart is literally breaking, yet Im not able to make a decision. One minute I think I should throw caution to the wind and say yes before I lose him forever, and on the other, I think I'm being silly and bound to meet someone else, but Im finding the pain unbearable at the moment and can't stop crying. Any thoughts/advice? Thank you all so much in advance.

Where is the cultural difference? His family is arranging a marriage back in India. Yet you are not marrying him because your parents won't approve. Both of you are relenting to both set of parents.

Moomoo1

Neyite wrote: »

he has his own reasons for proposing - and that is 'better the devil you know'. he is not proposing because he loves you, he is proposing to get himself out of an arranged marraige with a stranger, not because he wants you as a wife. dont you deserve more than this? Im sure that it cant be easy for him in this situation, but you cant live your life sacrificing your happiness for someone elses.

that's rather cynical, don't you think? It seems to me that it was he who was by far the more serious about the relationship whereas the OP constantly doubted her feelings to the point where she broke up with him.

I actually feel really sorry for the guy. First his gf tells him that she wants to have sex with other men (not something a bloke likes hearing). Then his parents tell him that they found a stranger for him to marry. And there's nothing worse than marrying someone when you know that there's another person around you want more...

Neyite

Moomoo1 wrote: »

that's rather cynical, don't you think? It seems to me that it was he who was by far the more serious about the relationship whereas the OP constantly doubted her feelings to the point where she broke up with him.

I actually feel really sorry for the guy. First his gf tells him that she wants to have sex with other men (not something a bloke likes hearing). Then his parents tell him that they found a stranger for him to marry. And there's nothing worse than marrying someone when you know that there's another person around you want more...

maybe it is cynical, but i read the OP as them having a relationship that had dwindled to F**k buddies, due to arguments and being young, and it was only when he found out that there was an arranged marraige on the cards that he proposed, hence my comment. if he proposed before he knew about the arranged marraige then I would certainly agree with you.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delay in replying to some of the questions on this thread. In relation to his religion, he is Hindu, not Muslim.

Also, to clarify, he asked me to marry him a long time before he knew about the arranged marriage. So I don't feel in any way a 'cop out' of him not wanting to marry the other girl. I know they have been talking over the last 6 or so months that he knows about the marriage in order to get to know one another, and is generally perparing himself for it. We had an honest talk today and he says alot that he 'just can't believe he is going to get married'. I think in one sense he's getting married for some sort of security, because everyone else does it and possibly not from the heart. I know if I said yes he'd drop everything to do with the other marriage. I have been to India and met his parents and had an excellent reception from them, to the point where they were all crying when I left. I have never in any way felt they had an prejudice towards me, and as Indian families go, are in fact extremely modern thinking, and his family asked him to ask me quite a few times would I reconsider, so I genuinely believe the family would prefer him to marry me than the other girl.

Today he said he would go through with it but if he still loved me in a few years and I still felt the same way he would leave her, which isn't a healthy way to approach marriage, and he has said he feels nothing for the marriage, and most of this is because he loves me and doesn't basically want to get married. I do feel myself he's going into it for all the wrong reasons, basically just to keep his family happy, and to fulfil their expectations of him. While I was in India I adjusted to the culture very well, I think no matter where the person in question was from, be he Irish or otherwise, I would still be suffering doubts, but there seems to be a perconcieved notion of 'foreigners' in this country which adds someone to my doubt. I know his cousin is married to an Irish girl successfully so its not unheard of.