I want to forget it's Christmas

Irish Guitarist

In 1999 my fathers health deteriorated. He was terribly sick during Christmas that year. On New Years Eve 1999 the doctor informed my family he wouldn't last much longer. So while most people were celebrating the Millennium I was sitting at home knowing I was going to lose my father. He died on the fourth of January 2000.

For years I would get terribly depressed at Christmas. I can cope now apart from the constant reminders of Christmas. I'd be happy if I could go without seeing Christmas decorations all over the town and Christmas programmes on every television channel. I don't even want to be with my family (my siblings that is, I have no kids). It's not my family as such, it's just that I can't look at everyone handing around presents, pulling crackers and wearing silly hats. I know the rest of my family feel the same, but they deal with it by celebrating Christmas. My way of dealing with it is by trying to forget Christmas and pretending it's just another day. I really can't be bothered pretending Christmas means anything to me.

I'd be happy enough if I could just not be reminded of Christmas. Is there any way I could just forget what time of year it is? What can I do to get away from constant Christmas reminders?

Oryx

OP, if you want this moved to bereavement let us know.

I dont think you can make Christmas go away, its everywhere from mid November onwards. So ideally, you need to change yourself, its the only thing you can do, bar staying indoors and avoiding all interaction with everything.

You could always plan a holiday for this time of year, something that gets you away from all the festivities. Or you could volunteer for a charity who help people at this time of year, so your focus moves off your own feelings.

Darlughda

You experienced huge loss, and bereavement at this terrible time of year, like so many others, and I really feel for people like yourself OP.

Trying do deal with the nonsense of the forced consumerist jollity that is so unreal, and where people are forced to keep with ridiculous traditions that are financially ruinous and so difficult for too many people.

Do you live alone?
Is there any way you can do your own thing on that day?
Personally, I am thrilled this year to be spending it on my own (at last), and just treating it like any other day.
Getting on with some work, bit of potting around, bit of daydreaming, eating what I want and basically doing whatever I fancy without any of the bs expectations and nuclear meltdown avoidance things.

What about visiting the grave on that day, and telling others its your day for spending with memories? Or maybe be resolute that you want this time to reflect and do whatever you want, and stuff whoever has a problem with that?

metrovelvet

For years it was the same. I'd crack up at the site of a Christmas tree because my father died early Jan and got very sick right through December.

There is no way around it except to move through it till its all over. I have a child now so Christmas is for him and this has taken a lot of the sting out of it. I dont know if it would help you but perhaps service to others, like visiting the elderly who are alone at Christmas or work a soup kitchen or something like that.

It all seems so trivial when you are in mourning, and to some extent it is, unless you can create your own meaning for it.

Irish Guitarist

Darlughda wrote: »

You experienced huge loss, and bereavement at this terrible time of year, like so many others, and I really feel for people like yourself OP.

Trying do deal with the nonsense of the forced consumerist jollity that is so unreal, and where people are forced to keep with ridiculous traditions that are financially ruinous and so difficult for too many people.

Do you live alone?
Is there any way you can do your own thing on that day?
Personally, I am thrilled this year to be spending it on my own (at last), and just treating it like any other day.
Getting on with some work, bit of potting around, bit of daydreaming, eating what I want and basically doing whatever I fancy without any of the bs expectations and nuclear meltdown avoidance things.

What about visiting the grave on that day, and telling others its your day for spending with memories? Or maybe be resolute that you want this time to reflect and do whatever you want, and stuff whoever has a problem with that?

I live with my mother. She usually goes to my sisters house for Christmas dinner. Last year I told my family that I would rather stay at home by myself. I felt I was disappointing everyone but I just couldn't face pretending to be jolly and full of Christmas cheer. I think they understood anyway.

star-pants

That is heartbreaking, and I can understand why you just don't want to deal with Christmas.

My sisters' boyfriends' father died around Christmas, and the boyfriends' mother doesn't really like Christmas as such. She tries to go away for those few days, away somewhere.
Last year she did go to my sister&her son over in Italy, they did have a Christmas dinner but it was more about seeing her son than Christmas.

Everyone finds their own way to deal with things, in time you may change your mind -but for now, maybe going away is a good idea? Just a couple of days, maybe to a city you've not been to, or to far away friends. Seeing people you've not seen in a long time might over power the fact it's Christmas-time?
I'm sure others do understand if you don't want to be doing traditional things.

humanji

OP, years ago I was told my Mum had cancer on Christmas Eve, which pretty much ruined Christmas for me. I moped about and didn't want anything to do with it.

Last week, she passed away and I was ready to completely right off christmas for good. But I know nothing good is going to come about from being miserable and alone. I know she wouldn't have wanted me feeling bad at this time of year, and I'm sure your father would feel the same way about you.

You're concentrating on the bad side of your time with your father, but you need to focus on the good times. Think about how happy your family would be if you were to join them this year. Be with your friends, too. Make Christmas a happy time again. I don't think you ever get over someones passing, but you can come to terms with it and start enjoying the good times again.

I hope that helps.

LegacyUser

I can't help your pain OP, but I suggest that if you haven't already, you should consider talking to someone.

Aside from that, could you try and spend even part of the day with your family? I'm sure they'd love to have you there.And I know it's easier to just sit at home and grieve, but sometimes we have to take a hold of ourselves and make an effort for others.

I'm not belittling your pain - I do understand it, been there myself.

Darlughda

OP, while Humanji's attitude and plan is fantastic in the wake of what is happening with him/her (gosh I have never managed to figure out if you are a he or a she H!)

At 11 years experiencing the Christmas business, you may well be worn out. Unfortunately there are few places to go in the western world, let alone mates to visit who wont be doing the christmas thing.


Stand your own ground and just say that this is your day.
People are awfully selfish and determined in this ideal of keeping Christmas,usually people with kids or wanting them, so there really is no need to give in to this.

JUST SAY NO! You are free to choose to do whatever you want, forget the blackmail from people with brats who are forced to do the christmas thing, you do NOT have to engage with the bs.

ztoical

OP I can understand were you are coming from. My dad died two days before my birthday 3 years ago and I haven't been able to deal with my birthday since. I feel further down the line I might but not right now. I know it's not the same as Christmas as Xmas can just be everywhere but I know what that feeling is like to have the reminder and just wanting to run away.

Is it an option to go away for the few days and be on your own? I know that's not what alot of people feel is right but sometimes just being on your own is what you need. I went away from my birthday a few months back, told friends I needed the space and they were all really good and didn't contact me till I came back. Yes it was a sad time but it was something I needed to do. There are places that don't have Xmas or that you can avoid it more easily. I use to love Xmas in New York as alot of cafes and shops opened as normal. One of my best friends there is jewish and his family refer to the 25th as Jews go to the cinema day.

tinkerbell

*hugs* to humanji - I am so so very sorry for your loss You are so admirable in how you are coping, you are really strong and brave and your mom would be so proud of you *hugs*

OP - it is ok to not want to celebrate Christmas, plenty of people don't like it for lots of different reasons. I think it would be a good idea for you if it is possible to get away for Christmas week or even a few days when it is Christmas so that you can escape all of it. But don't feel bad for not wanting to celebrate it, you are perfectly entitled not to like Christmas. I would suggest that getting away for the few days would be good for you.

thefeatheredcat

There have been great heartfelt responses already full of empathy and understanding and I hope at some point you will be able to make it a happy time again, as humanji says.

If you truly feel that you need to take this one away and get away from it all, firstly, your family will understand. They will be concerned to know that you're alright, safe and well.

Celebrate Winter instead with nature. Nature won't have decorations or gifts that you're used to seeing, but something of a rare kind. If you have a car, why not head out to somewhere sort of remote like the Burren or West Cork/Kerry and make sure you have enough provisions with you and go prepared? A retreat away from the noise of Christmas to a peaceful simplicity of nature may help. I'm a great believer that nature can often heal one's soul, suffering and emotions better than any other medicine, with the exception of wildlife and animals.

itac

Big hugs IrishGuitarist, anniversaries are be tough enough without feeling the rest of the world is celebrating while you're in mourning. I lost a friend one Christmas Eve a good few years ago and my Gran, who was like my other Mum on New Years Day 2006.

I know some people have suggested going away, but the most cathartic Christmas season I spent was all on my own-I treated Christmas day like it was my birthday-stayed in bed for half the day, opening a few presents over the course of the day, spag. bol. for lunch, favourite movies on the tv, teac, chocolate, wine, all in front of a big fire. I barely spoke to anyone other than to do the obligatory greetings, and let myself cry and grieve at any point throughout the day I felt like it. New Years day I still find very difficult, but hopefully with time, that too will ease.

I know it's tough to do, but try and take the season back for yourself-people say it's about love and family and friendship etc; those family and friends who love you will understand that you're still grieving. I think one of the sayings about death is, it doesn't get better, but you get better at it. If there's something that you and your Da liked doing together, maybe do something along those lines either? I'm terrified at the thought of losing either of my parents and having watched some of my friends go through it, I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for people who are going through it.

I hope whatever you end up doing IrishGuitarist, it brings you peace and comfort. Look after yourself,xx

blackbird98

Hi OP, I know what you're feeling and while it may sound cold, you have to try to move on with your life. My father passed away suddenly on New Year's Eve back in 1989 (aged 67) and Christmas has never been the same since. But as time goes on, things do get better. You'll never forget the ones you love, but you do get to accept that they are only around you in spirit.

If after 10 years you still have difficulty getting on with your life, I would suggest that you go to bereavement counseling, I believe it can be very good for you.

Try to look to the positives in your life and enjoy what's around you, and being with your family.

Best of luck, try to enjoy the Christmas

W.Shakes-Beer

I know what you mean OP. I was very very close to my Grandad, only lived around the corner from me and I spent my whole childhood around with him and my gran.

He died almost 5 years ago on my 16th birthday 7/3/2006, I came in from school on my break to find all my family looking at me.

Therefore I like to forget about my birthday and never do anything for it.

It is hard however to ignore Christmas so I can imagine how this must feel for you. A suggestion may be to plan a holiday break to avoid some of the immediate festivity and you may be more relaxed about the whole situation.