Spending time together?

LegacyUser

I've been having problems with my girlfriend recently (both mid-20's, been together 4 years, living together for 2).

Any time I mention hanging out with my mates she starts complaining that I don't make any time for her and it's not fair, but we live together, spend most evenings together and go out on dates, for meals etc. all the time so I can't understand it.

Our familes live on opposite sides of the country so we seperate for Christmas (a mutual decision) though she usually comes to my house as soon as she can after Christmas. I mentioned plans for a lads night out with my mates a couple of days after Christmas and she wasn't happy because what if she wanted to come over that day, did I not want her visiting her, it sounds like I don't want her there etc., seemingly forgetting she would be spending the rest of Christmas week and all of New Years with me.

Likewise, I am meeting some friends this Saturday during the day, which she was ok about, but when I mentioned I might also head home to stay with my parents on Friday night (while she is at her work Christmas party!) so that I can exchange gifts with some family friends in the area, she wasn't happy, because she won't see me for the two or three hours between arriving home from her party on Friday and me leaving again on Saturday. Again, why am I not making time for her etc. even though we plan to spend all day Sunday together as our special day before Christmas and we are going out for a Christmas meal together next week, as well as spending the rest of this week and next week at home together.

It feels like any time I'm invited to go anywhere now I have to brace myself for an arguement. I'm honestly starting to question if this relationship is worth it anymore if I can't even hang out with my mates without being made to feeling guilty about it. So is she being clingy or am I over-reacting?

Pebbles68

Firstly, if you are bracing yourself for an argument stop. Nothing good can come from that. You need to approach any conversation on the subject in a calm way. If you allow yourself be drawn into an argument there really is no winner. Both of you will end up feeling angry about the outcome.

If your girlfriend cannot agree to your reasonable plans to meet your friends for Christmas drinks you need to get to the root of her thinking. As you present the situation she seems to be a bit clingy or demanding but you need to understand where that's coming from. Have you given her any reason in the past to worry about you going out without her? Is she totally secure in the relationship? Is she afraid of sleeping at home on her own? I could keep typing 100's of different questions but I'm sure you get the gist. Fighting will get you no where, only calm talking can help. And you should also take the time to calmly explain how she is making you feel. Sometimes people just don't realise how they are thinking/acting until it's pointed out to them.

ManOfMystery

She is being totally clingy and needs to wise up.

LegacyUser

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Firstly, if you are bracing yourself for an argument stop. Nothing good can come from that. You need to approach any conversation on the subject in a calm way. If you allow yourself be drawn into an argument there really is no winner. Both of you will end up feeling angry about the outcome.

I know what you're saying and I agree. I try to mention any plans of mine in a casual and breezy way rather than starting defensively, because that's how it should be, but the immediate reaction from her is always "but what about me?" and it goes from there. I stay calm and explain why I think she's being unreasonable, but at the end I can tell she'd still prefer I cancelled my plans for her. If I meet the same friend or group of friends twice within the same 2 week period she'll go "Again!? But you only just saw x" as if there are limits to how often I'm supposed to be seeing my friends.

Pebbles68 wrote: »

If your girlfriend cannot agree to your reasonable plans to meet your friends for Christmas drinks you need to get to the root of her thinking. As you present the situation she seems to be a bit clingy or demanding but you need to understand where that's coming from. Have you given her any reason in the past to worry about you going out without her? Is she totally secure in the relationship? Is she afraid of sleeping at home on her own? I could keep typing 100's of different questions but I'm sure you get the gist. Fighting will get you no where, only calm talking can help. And you should also take the time to calmly explain how she is making you feel. Sometimes people just don't realise how they are thinking/acting until it's pointed out to them.

She knows who I'll be with and what we'll be doing on both nights, and she knows I have no intention of cheating, so I don't think she's worried about that at all. No problems sleeping in the house alone but I do know a previous ex left her quite suddenly so I wonder if that makes her more clingy and afraid of being seperated for any length of time. There hasn't been a day this year where we haven't seen each other and she comes with me every single time I go to visit my family for the weekend (she used to only come a couple of times a year at the start of the relationship). To be honest I feel we could use a bit more space from each other at times so I can't understand these accusations that I'm not spending enough time with her.

ManOfMystery wrote:

She is being totally clingy and needs to wise up.

Thanks, just hearing this isn't all in my head makes me feel better

Wompa1

My guess would be that you aren't spending quality time together? When you are home together in the evenings do you arrive back later in the evening. Cook, eat, shower, watch Tv for an hour and then go to bed. All the while not really giving her your full attention.

I was getting that alot with my current girlfriend. All she would want to do is watch tv or go to a movie..if the tv was on it was shhhhhhhhh I can't hear it. So I put the foot down...could it be something similar?

Also when you are meant to be spending time together are you answering your phone? texting people? She probably just wants quality time and for you to pay attention to her.

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

My guess would be that you aren't spending quality time together?

I don't think that's it. We eat together at the table and spend time hanging out and talking with each other every evening so she's usually happy enough to do her own thing after a certain point in the night. Like I say, we have a few drinks or a meal out together fairly regularly and we have a few special days set aside just for us in the run up to Christmas, so I definitely have been making quality time for her. In comparison, I usually only meet up with my mates maybe one evening every two weeks or so which is why I can't get my head around her accusations. It's more like she doesn't care what we're doing so long as we're together at all times and time spent with anyone else is time being taken away from her.

booboo88

Well if what your saying is true that ye go for meals that I would say shes being very clingy. She has a problem with you going on the friday cuz she wants to come home drunk to you?

Pebbles68

Ok OP stop with the bright and breezy. She needs to know that she is having a negative impact on you and the relationship. Time for more direct talking i.e. sit down we/I have a problem and it needs to be settled. That tends to get a persons attention. It can't always be about her. A bit of tough love may be necessary. Does she expect you to drop everything and suit her when she's free?

I happen to like sport so myself and the OH socialise together probably more than most couples but he had friends before we met, so did I. Neither of us would expect either to distance ourselves and lose contact with mates. I don't think anyone in healthy relationship can expect that. There are two people in the relationship. She must embrace that and give just as much as she expects to get.

LegacyUser

Thanks all, it's been good to get some outsider perspective

I'll sit her down for a serious talk next time this happens and if I can't make her see how unhappy it's making me then I don't know what else I can do. The idea of being able to see my friends and family whenever I want without having to justify it to anyone sounds like bliss right now.

LegacyUser

unreg_OP wrote: »

Thanks all, it's been good to get some outsider perspective

I'll sit her down for a serious talk next time this happens and if I can't make her see how unhappy it's making me then I don't know what else I can do. The idea of being able to see my friends and family whenever I want without having to justify it to anyone sounds like bliss right now.

IMHO it is better to have the talk away from when it happens. That way you both can approach the situation from a more neutral perspective.

Try to get her to explain things from her perspective, if you have a special day planned on Sunday and you are going out on Friday and Saturday maybe she is worried that you will be hungover on Sunday. So she may have a view point that in her opinion is completely rational.

I think sometimes we get caught up in making people understand our feelings and forget to focus that the other person may be trying to do the exact same thing

neveah

Hi OP, I understand you want to spend time with your friends and you should, this is a completely reasonable demand to make. I'm going to try and look at things from your girlfriends point of view here and just try and understand where she may be coming from - what does she do when you are out with your friends? Does she sit at home? Does she have friends that she can organise a night out with? Do you socialise at all together, as in go for a few drinks and clubbing, not just a meal?

You mention that you are both from opposite ends of the country, I'm not clear whether you are currently living near your home place or hers? If it is yours then do you think it may be a case that your girlfriend does not have the same opportunity to go out with her friends and as a result she feels a bit lonely when you have things going on with your friends??

Maybe I'm completely off the mark with this angle but if you think it might be something like this then why not invite her out with you and your friends once and a while so she doesn't feel excluded. Or if you have a friend who has a girlfriend then why not suggest that the four of you go out for a few drinks some night. It may be just a case that your girlfriend is a bit jealous of your nights out because she doesn't have the same opportunties in her social life.

ztoical

some advice wrote: »

Try to get her to explain things from her perspective, if you have a special day planned on Sunday and you are going out on Friday and Saturday maybe she is worried that you will be hungover on Sunday. So she may have a view point that in her opinion is completely rational.

The OP stated they were going home to their parents Friday night to give out some presents and is meeting people during the day on Saturday...doesn't really sound like he is planning a wild two nights of drinking. The GF is going to her work Xmas party friday so if anyone is going to be hungover it's her.

Has she moved jobs or have some of her close friends moved away recently? You say both your familes live on opposite sides of the country, how far away is she from her family? Does she never make plans to meet up with her own friends on her own? It coule be a case that she's not near or has fallen out with close friends and is being clingy to you to make up for this.

LegacyUser

She doesn't have quite as many friends as me (not through upheaval or falling out or anything like that) so I'm starting to think jealousy might be part of the issue but at the same she does see her best friend every week and her wider group of friends a couple of time a month. We have gone out with the best friend and her boyfriend a few times and I've mentioned how I'd like to do it again because I get on well with both of them. She doesn't gel so well with my mates so she usually declines any offers I make to hang out with them. She also knows I'm not a big drinker at all, I've never been hungover in my life so it's not that. We both prefer things on the quieter side (hate clubbing) and we have our own hobbies at home so she wouldn't be bored without me for one night.

We actually live quite near her family and visit them once every couple of weeks. It's my family who live on the other side of the country, so I (or we) visit them about once a month. I would be much closer to my brothers than she is to her brother. That's why it means so much to me to get to spend a decent amount of time there over Christmas and I guess I'm starting to resent the way she's muscling in on that.

STIG83

Tell her to cop on, ye live together, ye see each other everyday.
You are well entitled to hang out wit your friends, just dont let her walk all over you, so lay down the law now with her

LegacyUser

I think it sounds like she is being clingy.

I admit I used to be quite clingy with my boyfriend before we moved in together and it caused a lot of problems, in the end he sat me down and jus told me he needed to do things alone to. So I eased up and he did help.

So maybe just talk to her tell her how you feel

narommy

unreg_OP wrote: »

She doesn't have quite as many friends as me (not through upheaval or falling out or anything like that) so I'm starting to think jealousy might be part of the issue but at the same she does see her best friend every week and her wider group of friends a couple of time a month. We have gone out with the best friend and her boyfriend a few times and I've mentioned how I'd like to do it again because I get on well with both of them. She doesn't gel so well with my mates so she usually declines any offers I make to hang out with them. She also knows I'm not a big drinker at all, I've never been hungover in my life so it's not that. We both prefer things on the quieter side (hate clubbing) and we have our own hobbies at home so she wouldn't be bored without me for one night.

We actually live quite near her family and visit them once every couple of weeks. It's my family who live on the other side of the country, so I (or we) visit them about once a month. I would be much closer to my brothers than she is to her brother. That's why it means so much to me to get to spend a decent amount of time there over Christmas and I guess I'm starting to resent the way she's muscling in on that.

There are so many similarities in my life to your situation.
Sorry to be blunt but you need to consider leaving her if it doesn't change soon.
I never sorted it out and now 8 year and 2 kids later we're a mess. So stressful