Can we make this work

LegacyUser

I met my bf almost a year ago, we get on great and I love him very much. When we started seeing each other he was living with his ex, he was very honest and upfront about it. We obviously spent quite a bit of time discussing it before eventually deciding that we wanted to pursue this relationship.

The thing is a year on he is still living with his ex and I feel it is really hampering our relationship. A few months after we started seeing each other he asked me to stay with him after a night out. I was very apprehensive about it as I’m sure you can imagine but agreed. It was a disaster. It was uncomfortable for all of us so they agreed that they would not bring others back to the house. I completely understand this tbh I wouldn’t expect any different.

I’m also aware that we have to act with some consideration for his ex, this isn’t an easy situation for anyone but (and I know I may sound really selfish here) the amount of consideration he expects me to give is starting to really get to me. He feels he can’t come spend weekends with me because it upsets his ex, I obviously can’t spend time with him at their place.

I feel like we are having some sordid affair here, only getting to spend an hour or two together here and there. It’s really starting to get to me and again I know it sounds selfish but I’m starting to get really tired of their relationship coming before ours all the time.
We talk for an hour or two every evening on the phone and I have explained how I’m feeling and while he promises it won’t be like this for long I can’t help feeling that after almost a year our relationship should be moving forward. I’m not talking about anything serious here just being able to spend nights or weekend together.

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy but am I being unreasonable feeling like this? I know this isn't easy for him either, I appreciate how difficult this is for him too but I can't help feeling that he is making this harder on all of us....being so considerate all the time seems to just be making it more difficult for anyone to move on.

whatsamsn

One word op: Baggage.

You got with this guy with the hope and understanding that his ex was be fully out of the picture in the upcoming months. Perfectly fine. Most would agree to that if they liked a person enough. But here we are on a year? its still the same? Thats not good you know. Thats not progressing.

But the biggest red flags for me is that you state:

• He cant meet weekends because of her.
• He cant meet for anything more than an hour or two.
• You cant come over or stay - now normally due to the situation of the ex living there that would be expected. But knowing its a year on + everything else. Yeah thats a flag.

Personally I don't think you are in an actual relationship with him. Two is company, threes a crowd. I think you have enough info/signs to know whats happening here and what future you really have with him.


As for my personal honest blunt opinion. Get the hell out op. A guy still living with his ex a year on while dating someone else? bending over backwards so he doesnt upset her? ... He aint over her and he is still having sex with her. Big time common sense. They may be finished as a couple but all the above are signs of a man who is still giving her a lent. It aint no "post relationship lets live together because of other factors agreement". I'd bet everything to my name of this one.

Beruthiel

itsamess wrote: »

He feels he can’t come spend weekends with me because it upsets his ex

This comment jumps right out.
I hope you pulled him up on it, I certainly would have.

If they are finished and just living as house mates together, then one would think that they can come and go as they please.
The fact that she expects him to stay in at the weekend to keep her company is very, very suspect.
They are not over each other.
Why isn't she out living her life with her friends and finding herself a new man?
Why isn't he moving on with you and out having a good time?
Certainly, she's not over him (and as he's entertaining her feelings, neither is he).
For them to be living together under those circumstances is very unhealthy. Neither of they have truly moved on.

Were I in your shoes, I'd be telling him I'm not interested in being the gooseberry in this relationship and I'm certainly not second best.
I believe I'd leave them to it, if he is considering her feelings over yours, that's all you need to know.

weatherguy

Are you his gf or not?
Seems to me you are his bit on the side and he is still happy to live with his ex.
Do they share or own their house/apartment?
Why is he still there with here if they are renting?
He sounds like a selfish git or he's a wimp afraid to leave his ex.

Until he draws a line with his ex I would not see him.
Give him the ultimatum and don't listen to any sob stories from him about upsetting her. That's life. It's tough. If he really wants to be with you he would have cleared out of there a lot earlier.

Until you stand up to him you will be his other half.

ManOfMystery

Thought I'd add my thoughts here as I was the 'guy' in a very similar situation a few years ago.

I had broken up with my ex, but we still lived together. From the very minute we broke up, we were in separate rooms and I was 100% adamant there was going to be no slips-ups, no ex-sex, etc. We were on friendly terms, but completely finished and I don't believe in carrying on relationships (physical or otherwise) with exes as it only complicates things. I got the impression that she may have relented on occasion, given the opportunity, but it never happened. I'm only mentioning this as I feel it's relevant - I would sincerely hope your boyfriend has the same thoughts on it.

Anyway, about 6 months after we broke up (but still living together) I started going out with a new girl. I was a bit apprehensive about telling her of my living arrangements, but did so around the 3rd or 4th date. In fairness to her, she handled it very well and was very understanding. I made it very clear that myself and the ex were in separate rooms, nothing had ever gone on since the breakup, and that now there was someone new in my life, I would start looking for a new place to live - which I did. I moved out into my own apartment about 5 months later. There had been no pressure from my new gf, and she was very good about the whole thing - though after a few drinks one night she did admit finding it difficult at times when I went back to my place, e.g. if we had just spent a nice weekend together. All I could do at that time was reassure her it was only temporary.

So reading your post, a few alarm bells went off for me.

First off - I never brought my gf round while my ex was there. I would only have brought her over if the ex was away for a weekend or whatever. That was out of consideration not just to her but to my ex - anyone with an ounce of common sense wouldn't bring the new partner around while the ex is still in the house - it's uncomfortable for all concerned. So I was surprised that your bf thought he could do this.

Secondly - the bit about not spending a weekend with you as it upsets the ex - this is a huge, huge red flag. At best, it means there is still some kind of guilt thing going on between the ex and him, and he's valuing her feelings more than yours. At worst, it could imply that there's still some kind of relationship between them.

If my ex had ever asked me not to spend time with my new gf because it was upsetting her, I'd have politely told her to get over it and wise up. She's his ex - she's not in a position to dictate what he does.

Third - the very fact that he's been living there for a year now is also cause for concern. I can only base this on my own experience, but I would have thought that once things started getting serious with you, he would have made it his mission to get new accomodation and move on with his life.

Unfortunately OP, it seems your boyfriend is happy to let things stay as they are, give in to his ex's demands and not make you his number one priority. In my honest opinon, he either has something still going on with the ex (maybe an emotional relationship, if not a physical one) or he is so scared of confrontation he can't handle the whole moving out thing or saying 'No' to her. I know when I moved out, there was a bit of emotion from my ex as it signalled a very definitive end to that chapter of our lives.

In any event, he needs to be pulled up on this. You need to have a serious talk with him and make your feelings very clear on the matter. And if he isn't willing to change things, then you need to consider what is the next best course of action for yourself.

Good luck

sbsquarepants

It's been said several times already, but he can't spend the weekend with you cos it upsets his ex?? WTF??
You can not be seriously asking what you should do, as if it was a confusing situation. You seriously need to cop on and go for someone who's a bit more available!

LegacyUser

Thanks every one for the replies….I know it may seem insane to some but I know they are not sleeping together anymore. Trust me before all of this I would have been as cynical as the next person. I think this is partly the reason he brought me back to the house at the time I couldn’t help being a little cynical about it all.

I think he still feels guilty about the break up and the mess they are now in as a result. They bought their house at the height of the boom. The plan was to look for their own places and rent out the house at least in the short term however his ex lost her job.

The thing is I don’t think she is as over it as he thinks she is, hence why she gets upset and he seems to have this inability to confront her on anything. I understand he’s in a tough position here and them arguing isn't going to make living there any easier so I don’t want to issue an ultimatum. I am wondering though if I’d be better off just walking away. I know no one can answer that question but me…I guess I just need to air my thoughts.

Fittle

itsamess wrote: »

I’m also aware that we have to act with some consideration for his ex, this isn’t an easy situation for anyone but (and I know I may sound really selfish here) the amount of consideration he expects me to give is starting to really get to me. He feels he can’t come spend weekends with me because it upsets his ex, I obviously can’t spend time with him at their place.

I feel like we are having some sordid affair here, only getting to spend an hour or two together here and there.

We talk for an hour or two every evening on the phone

I'm begining to wonder how much of this guy you actually SEE?

You talk to him for an hour or two every evening, on the phone. Do you see him during the week?
You can't spend the weekend with him but are spending an hour or two together her or there?

I've read your post a few times OP, and to be honest, this doesn't even sound like a relationship with someone. He is most definitely spending much more time with his ex-girlfriend than he is with his current girlfriend, which would make one wonder if she is actually even his ex at this stage

Honestly, I know you said you spent the night at the begining of the relationship at his house (so she obviously knows about you) - but are you sure he's not still with her??

And the fact that he seems so concerned about upsetting the ex as opposed to doing what you're asking him...I dunno OP, it's very clear to see where this guys priorities lie I'm afraid, and they aren't with you:(

whatsamsn

itsamess wrote: »

Thanks every one for the replies….I know it may seem insane to some but I know they are not sleeping together anymore. Trust me before all of this I would have been as cynical as the next person. I think this is partly the reason he brought me back to the house at the time I couldn’t help being a little cynical about it all.

No disrespect op as you are the one who knows him and the situation more than anyone of us.... but i would still take that he isnt with a pinch of salt. His actions of bending over backwards + living with her means it cannot be ruled out. Just because she knows that he may have been dating you... doesnt change much. She still lives with him. He still bends.

itsamess wrote: »

I think he still feels guilty about the break up and the mess they are now in as a result. They bought their house at the height of the boom. The plan was to look for their own places and rent out the house at least in the short term however his ex lost her job.

I think everyone knew there was some sort of financial factor going here too. But him feeling bad? why tho? .... and so since she has lost her job? he is also paying her way?
We all know when you've got some big money invested in something it changes things. But lets think of his actions.... is he bending to her because he has so much money invested? (which is not good for the future and you?) ... or is it other reasons. Both dont look good.

itsamess wrote: »

The thing is I don’t think she is as over it as he thinks she is, hence why she gets upset and he seems to have this inability to confront her on anything. I understand he’s in a tough position here and them arguing isn't going to make living there any easier so I don’t want to issue an ultimatum. I am wondering though if I’d be better off just walking away. I know no one can answer that question but me…I guess I just need to air my thoughts.

Like most things, near enough everything in life, its all about weighing up the situation. You've got a lot of facts here. Ay user on this board can give advice. But rather that give a personal point of view. I think its best to ask yourself are things really looking that good? You have a lot of negitive things playing here. Some a fact, some a reasonable conclussion.

Only rock hard genuine advice I can give is to read the situation. Not what your partner may be saying. Thats not to put him in a negitive light. But its just that the action always speaks louder than whats said. Thinking time op

Elle Collins

You asked: 'Can we make this work'. I'm sorry but I have to ask, make what work? There is nothing here to make work. You are allowing yourself to be treated like the worlds biggest doormat by playing along with the pretence that you two are even in a relationship.

Mother of God, I don't want to be nasty but this situation calls for a bluntness that you are likely to find rather abrupt: My truthful take on this is that I'd rather be single till the day I died than get sucked into a charade like that. You need to tell him to forget about seeing you again and that he may as well get back with the 'ex' since he never broke up with her in the first place.

LittleBook

itsamess wrote: »

I think he still feels guilty about the break up and the mess they are now in as a result ... I don’t think she is as over it as he thinks she is, hence why she gets upset and he seems to have this inability to confront her on anything

This is the crux of your problem and whether or not they were still sharing the house, you would still have a problem.

I have a friend in a similar situation to yours but they do have a chance of making it work as he has managed to extricate himself emotionally from his ex, even though financially he cannot do this.

Read ManOfMystery's response. Better still, get your boyfriend to read it. This can only work if there are boundaries and you guys haven't even started laying them out.