Relationship breakup, suicidal thoughts

LegacyUser

I broke up from my very long term relationship during the summer and had been doing well to get over things for quite a while. In the last two weeks though two things have happened to set me back seriously. Firstly Christmas is coming and it'll be the first Christmas I've spent without him in the best part of ten years. I've started dwelling on this since it went December and it is breaking my heart. I am so upset about Christmas coming.

To make matters worse I've just discovered (via a friend who dates online) that my ex partner is all over a dating site looking for his hole. I am so devestated I've been entertaining suicidal thoughts, I just cant help thinking that if I were dead I wouldn't have to feel this way.

Having said that I dont intend to kill myself, but it is so hard to accept that I am in this much pain while he clearly couldnt care less and the only thing he's concerned about is finding someone to screw.

I am devestated and I don't know how to go on. I want to pick myself up but I dont know how.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling and as the other poster says, it will pass in time.

Obviously I don't know the circumstances of your break-up but I do think you are being a little hard on yourself and your ex. When my marriage broke down I went onto those dating sites reasonably soon after, and many of them are fairly 'adult' in nature. None of that signaled that I didn't care about my ex (still love her to be honest), but when you're with someone that period of time, as you are, your friends are mutual friends, and many either side with one party, or feel awkward about being with one or the other. I went on initially because of loneliness and just needed contact - even if it was just an online chat. I don't know if its the same in your case, but consider it.

But best of luck, I feel for you, and christmas will be tough, but surround yourself with people who love and care for you and you'll will get through it. But know that if he was any kind of a decent person at all he still cares for you and always will.

LegacyUser

Same situation here except I'm the man.

I think you might be a bit hard on him. He might be just looking for some social contact, a potential partner or maybe some casual sex. So what if he is? You have broken up and he has a right to move on wiht his life.
I have a right to find somebody else through whatever means.

DarrenDay

Have you deleted him from facebook? It will make the breakup a lot easier to bear when you don't see what he has been up to.

LegacyUser

To Finale: your rights are your rights and have nothing to do with this thread.

To everyone else, especially lonely_boy: thank you so much for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

Gillo

Christ on a bike Finale; there wasn't any need for that and then to hide behind an anon post??

As for you OP...
Cliched as it sounds, time does heal but yes in the mean time it does feel like a load of crap, it's part of the grieving process of the break up, theres a good chance that at some stage you'll feel anger at the break-up and denial (it's just a glitch and we'll sort it out etc). Christmas too is pretty tough, all the happy couples just seems to compund things and emphasise the loneliness, but gather close friends around you and still try to enjoy yourself (ideally without much alcohol), it may seem easier to just stay in over christmas and not meet up with friends but from my experience it nearly just gives you more time to dwell on the past.

I'm only posting from my own experiences which to be honest may be limited enough in relationships, but I took a long term break-up really bad, and like you had suicidal thoughts. The one thing I'll say about that is to keep an eye on them, as looking back it's scarey how easy it actually is to act on them and "I just cant help thinking that if I were dead I wouldn't have to feel this way." was what I'd have said pretty much word for word this time last year (and as this is a public forum I'm not going to go into lots of details). Thats a year ago for me now (actually one year tomorrow since I did try to act) and while it took some time, sweat and tears, I'm glad to say that things have and indeed do get a lot better.

Not sure where you are based but my dad gave me details for some group in Dublin city centre who run a course / group of therapy sessions for people after tough break-ups, I didn't bother going for various reasons but I'll see if I can find the details and post them here.

Hope I wasn't a bit too waffley, it's being a long day, but the essence of what I was trying to say is, being there, done that and look dame fine in the t-shirt, but with time and patience things do get better.
And hope christmas doesn't get too tough and you come out with a smile in the New Year.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much Gillo, and no you weren't too waffely at all! I'd really appreciate if you could post the details of that group you were talking about as I would consider going.

Thanks again.

LegacyUser

sorry to hear about your situation op.

I went through similar last year. Last xmas was the first one I had in near 8 years without a partner and it was very tough too, similar to how you appear to be feeling.

There are ways to combat the loneliness though as others have said.. and its cliched but true, surround yourself with people.. family and friends are fantastic at this time, spend every evening seeing a different person who is in your life, especially those with children, its amazing how a few hours in their company can make you see things differently. If you can stay over with these people then do so.. they'll know you're having a hard time without discussing it and will make sure you're occupied.

its hard not to dwell on the fact this is your first xmas without him but try gather the positives together, you can go where you want when you want, treat yourself to nice new things, doesn't have to break the bank, could be just a walk around an xmas shop, looking at the lights decorating your local town or even watching the santa clause movies!

Try think back a few months when you felt you were coping well, how did you feel and act, did you tell yourself anything in the mornings to get you going? Its all about your inner monologue now and the positive spin you can put on your life.

It is very easy after a breakup to go down the route of wondering what he is doing, who he is with and where he is going, this is self destructive behaviour. It completely impedes your ability to move on as you spend so much time coming up with scenarios that your every waking thought is about him.

As someone harshly pointed out to me when I was at my lowest,

You do not want to know what your ex is doing because you simply cannot handle it.

And this is true. You need to cut him out of your life now completely, facebook, twitter, AIM, gmail, phone.. if you haven't boxed up every reminder of him do so now.
Ask your friend who pointed out the dating sites info that you do not want to know about it anymore. Similar for any mutual friends, you would prefer if people did not update you on how his xmas is going. he will cope how he sees fit and has his own support network for doing so. You need to rely on yours. Is there one person close to you that you can just nominate as a 'first xmas alone friend' and whenever depressing thoughts enter your head or you find yourself slipping backwards you can pick up the phone or arrive on their door and seek to talk about it or distract yourself.

If you feel the need to talk to a professional then absolutely do so. even if its just picking up the phone and calling one of the many helplines.

Just remember;

Christmas will be gone in, what, 11 sleeps?! and your (soon to be discarded!) new years resolutions are calling out to be made,

you WILL get over this.

you have an emotional wound and it WILL heal.

you have many great things about your life I am sure, focus on those.

you are not alone.. breakups form a part of all human interactions and these are the times we learn a lot about ourselves. Take those lessons you are learning and incorporate them into the new you that is coming to come out the other side of this.

and Op remember, and I know you said you are not intending on going down that route... but definitely leave suicide as the question as it is never the answer.

scarymoon1

I have been where you are too and it hurt so much. But as other posters have said time does heal. Its been nearly 2 years now since ive last seen my ex and I can say Im 99% over him. So stay strong and you will get through it

Timmythedonkey

I broke up with my husband in the summer too so I am feeling just like you at this moment!! When I read your post I thought I'd written it myself as I have just found out that my ex has been sleeping with someone and I am devestated!! I am dreading Xmas too but have to get on with it for the sake of the kid's. So remember your not alone (as I thought I was until I read your post!!!)

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say thank you to all who've posted, especially for your post beentheretoo, just wow, what a wonderfully supportive positive post, it really lifted me, thank you.

I'm feeling a bit better now that a few days have passed and as for the Christmas, I'm starting to feel that I might be able to enjoy the day a bit after all. As for the ex, I still hope he chokes on his fcukin turkey, lol.

That's the biggie for me to be honest, it's letting go of the resentments and finding a way to forgive. I feel that I'll never move on until I've found a way to forgive, and forgiveness just feels a long way off.

Timmythedonkey

Yes I can also relate to the 'chocking on the Turkey' comment!!! LOL!!!! I am dreading Xmas day as it look's like me and the kid's are going to be by ourselves as my parent's are snowed in........Have to wait and see what happen's.

Wonkagirl

You poor creature, my heart breaks for you. Is there anything worse than a Croi Briste? I don’t think so. It’s just horrendous.

There is a great book called ‘how to mend a broken heart’ that I would advise you buy- some very practical advice in it.
Keeping busy is key… this might sound mad, but would you try internet dating yourself? NOT to go on an actual date, but just to have a bit of online fun.. I’m doing it myself at the moment, it’s a great distraction, the attention you get is a great boost.. all told, I have NO intention of meeting anyone from it (but you never know) so I’m a bit of a time waster for these guys, but it’s good fun. It’s probably the only reason your ex is on it too.- unlikely he actually wants to meet someone.

Are you in touch with him at all?

eurochick

i am feeling rather like you too OP, I had made great progress, and then in the run-up to Christmas I regressed, and an xmas day text from my ex has ruined my day, sent me into floods of tears and made me feel like I've gone right back to the day of the break-up, stressing as to whether to reply. I didn't, I hope I made the right decision, but I feel guilty when I know I shouldn't.
I'm hurting just like you but really willing 2011 to be a good year and writing lists of all the things I accomplish next year, new hobbies, etc and ways of putting myself out there and trying new things... thats my way of trying to cope with the deep hurt and pain I am feeling some of these comments are so nice, gillo yours in particular have been very helpful - did you post those details for the support group? I would be very interested too.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I can sympathise with what you're going through because I went through something similar myself. I was on the recieving end of a really nasty break up from a long term relationship a few years ago and it was around this time of year. I remember thinking of suicide at the time, but eventually over the year I got over it and moved on, but when this time of year came round again for the first time it was really tough, it just brought back so many terrible memories. And I know this'll sound like the biggest cliche in the world, but it gets easier! Time is a great healer. Feeling suicidal is a sign that your means for coping are outweighed by your problems right now, but trust me it's not the answer. Just posting here indicates that you want to talk and open up about things, and that really helped me when I was feeling like crap about my situation. I'm not the sort of person that opens up to people easily, so it took a lot for me to pluck up the courage to do it. And once I did, I was amazed for not having done it sooner. And doing just that helped me strengthen my relationships with my friends and family. Long term relationships take a long time to get over, and it was at least a year before I was almost back to normal after that break up. Sometimes you'll have setbacks, but just work through them as they come. It's normal. I found that the best thing for me was to completely ignore what my ex was doing on social network sites, etc. because not only did they really hurt to look at, but they took my focus off what I should be doing, which is focusing on myself and healing. It hurts to cut them out like that, but for me it was one of the best things I did. Focus on yourself and use this as an opportunity to make amends with yourself and to come out stronger. If someone had said to me at the time that the break up I went through was one of the best things that would have ever happened to me, I would have told them to fe*k off but now I know it's true. Don't miss out on this as an opportunity to come out stronger

Garretthall82

Don't think of suicide ever life is all about move on and on.

booboo88

Garretthall82 wrote: »

Don't think of suicide ever life is all about move on and on.

Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem

LegacyUser

Finale wrote: »

Same situation here except I'm the man.

I think you might be a bit hard on him. He might be just looking for some social contact, a potential partner or maybe some casual sex. So what if he is? You have broken up and he has a right to move on wiht his life.
I have a right to find somebody else through whatever means.

OP, I have been through the break up of a long term relationship and the shock of hearing my ex had a new girlfriend while I was still mending my life. But my ex also lost our long term relationship and was broken hearted too. And I'm glad he found someone else - I don't hate him and hope he has a good life. He does have a right to look for someone else to be with and I would have no right to be angry with him for it. Finale's post is entirely relevant - he's looking from the other side.