Keeping in touch with an ex?

LegacyUser

I still talk to a girl I dated a while back. We're not seeing each other anymore - too many obstacles to overcome between us - but we've remained in touch and are, for all accounts and purposes, good friends.

Anyways, I've found out recently through a mutual friend of ours that she has started seeing someone knew. I admit that I took the news a bit badly at the start but now, after being over the initial shock of it, I'm ok with it. She can't be with me, for reasons I'm not going into on here, so I want her to find someone else. I want her to be happy and not be lonely basically. At the same time though I can never find myself liking this guy at all.

What I'm getting to is that I had to find out about this new guy through a friend of ours. She never told me herself that she was seeing someone knew and I can't help but feel betrayed by that. I don't want her to give me all the gory details but I still feel that she should have mentioned that she has started seeing someone else.

Am I expecting too much from her? It would be nice to get some feedback from people who've been in a similar position to myself.

LegacyUser

shouldiask? wrote: »

Am I expecting too much from her?

It depends
If you're not close friends than yes you are expecting a bit too much, if you are close (in her eyes) than she might have wanted to spare you from some nasty emotions.

You have two choices confront her (risking friendship) or ignore the new boyfriend issue and leave it with her to share the info or not.

whatsamsn

You can look at it multiple ways:

- She didnt tell you because you are her ex. Which when you think about... are you really friends with her then? ... or is it just a false/being civil friendship with the ex? (aka you) .. being friendly rather than being friends.

- or its just the way it is. well certainely with most people. when you break up with someone, thats it. Yeah sure some people remain friends after a relationship. But majority of times dont doesnt happen. Two people go their own way.

Either way op I think you should just take it for what it is. You two dated and that is the past. That sadly a close-friendship (if any?) hasnt formed. Thats what the action says.
Personally i would of just ended all contact after you two broke up. Thats me tho.

ManOfMystery

And this is a prime example of why staying in touch with exes can sometimes be a minefield.

To be fair OP, your ex doesn't owe you anything. She is not in a relationship with you. And even if you were very, very close friends, that still does not mean she is obligated to tell you anything she doesn't want to.

Also, you don't know the circumstances of her new relationship. She could be taking it very slowly and doesn't want all and sundry knowing about it until things get more serious - I've done that before. She could be waiting until it gets more serious before telling you - if it's only been a few casual dates for example, why would she go out of her way to break this big news to you?

Or as posted above, she could know this news would hurt you and is either trying to spare you the angst or is waiting for a good time to bring it up. How long has she been seeing the new guy? It may only be a few weeks for all we know.

So to answer your original question, yes I do think you're expecting too much from her.

If you went on a date with a girl tomorrow, would you instantly ring your ex to tell her the 'news'?

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for the advice it's been helpful enough...especially Man of Mystery.

Regarding her being my ex and all, there are very valid reasons out of our control for why we're not together anymore that I don't particularly feel like getting into right now. Put it like this - if circumstances were different it is very likely that we would be together right now and I wouldn't be here:)

We have remained close friends ever since, not joined at the hip now but still quite close. We speak quite often and I have no problem with her seeing someone new. I mean it hurts a bit that it's not me but it can't be me right now and it may never be me again. It kind of irked me that I feel as is she almost tried to hide him from me.

I would agree with the poster that said that maybe she didn't want to potentially hurt me but I found out anyway in the end. I feel like bringing it up as it's almost the elephant in the room sometimes when we're talking but I can't seem to ask her that question at all even though I know the answer and her answer won't affect me, or shouldn't, regardless of whether it's positive or negative.

I never considered it from my pov, true I probably wouldn't go blasting in about my new girlfriend to her if I had one but I think that I would mention that I had started seeing someone as well.

I suppose what I want to know is how do I have this conversation with her? It always feels if I bring the topic up that the questions and answers from both sides will be forced.

kjl

One of my ex's and I are friends, and when I started dating someone new I didn't tell her about it because I didn't want to make her upset.