just so confused and scared

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this brief. Guess I just need to vent.


I'm 22, female and not asexual.

I like boys. Allot. i like kissing and intimacy. On the sex side of it it feels wrong though. I kinda like the idea of girls but I don't think I've ever been attracted to one. But at the same time, I find the idea of kissing a girl really attractive. When I was 11ish I really wanted to kiss my best friend but I thought better of it which turned out a good idea. She turned out a bit on the homophobic side. Since around that age I have always wondered if I am gay. Don't think I can be. I like guys apart from the sex. But then I think I'd like kissing girls, apart from the sex.

This is just killing me inside. I'm too scared to experiment. I don't want to be caught out. I really wish this would go away but I don't think it will unless I find out if I do like kissing girls. Then what? I don't want to be anything other than straight

baby and crumble

Hi.

First off, relax. You're getting yourself all up in a heap.

My initial reaction to your post is that you're probably bisexual to some degree (perhaps leaning more towards physical attraction to men), but that it's sex and intimacy that seems to be the 'problem' here. And that's totally natural, especially if you haven't ever had sex. And at 22, that's not unusual. I was about your age when I first had sex. So don't worry about that.

I like guys apart from the sex. But then I think I'd like kissing girls, apart from the sex.

This just jumps out at me. I was very similar to you. The idea of sex was a little strange, like sticking your finger up someone else's nose or something. But then I found someone who helped me see things differently.

I always think there are 2 types of attraction- to a body and to a soul. (I know, barf-a-rific, but hear me out!). Sometimes, the two types of attraction seem to be the same thing- kissing, etc can be done for both. Sex can be easily arisen with attraction to a body. But the ideal is when the two actually DO combine. That's when the idea of sex and intimacy stops being a bit weird and feels natural.

Sounds to me like you just haven't met anyone you're comfortable with yet. Can I ask why you 'don't want to be anything other than straight?' Is it because the idea of having sex with another woman grosses you out or because you don't want to deal with societies opinions on it, family, friends etc? if it's the former, then you're probably not gay. But if it's the later, it is worth exploring. You need to be happy with who you are before you can be happy with other people. Very Dr. Phil, I know, but there is some logic to it.

Either way, you should stick around here, ask some more questions to help get yourself started on whatever path would be good. Just don't keep it bottled up inside. It's not good for you.

HalsOdyssey

I think you've said it all in a very clear and articulate way there Zoegh. Do this as a career?? You're not a gay man per chance??

baby and crumble

I think you've said it all in a very clear and articulate way there Zoegh. Do this as a career?? You're not a gay man per chance??

Why thank you! I'm about as lesbian as they come, and am a social worker by training, so I'm glad it wasn't totally lost on me, even though I'm still in college (why oh WHY did I think a PhD was a good idea???!????)



I have been in the OPs shoes, so I know how scary it all is. I'm just glad my (limited!) wisdom can help someone else out!!

LegacyUser

zoegh wrote: »

Hi.

First off, relax. You're getting yourself all up in a heap.

My initial reaction to your post is that you're probably bisexual to some degree (perhaps leaning more towards physical attraction to men), but that it's sex and intimacy that seems to be the 'problem' here. And that's totally natural, especially if you haven't ever had sex. And at 22, that's not unusual. I was about your age when I first had sex. So don't worry about that.

This just jumps out at me. I was very similar to you. The idea of sex was a little strange, like sticking your finger up someone else's nose or something. But then I found someone who helped me see things differently.

Thanks for replying, it's really nice to just vent and have someone listen to what I have to say and respond. I have my head in a spin with this.
See the thing is I have had sex. Plenty of it (unfortunately). I've never really liked it though Obv it's always been with boys but I never really wanted to have sex with them after a weekor so of being boyfriend and girlfriend. It's like the novelty wore off or something and the idea of having them in me was just repulsive. But the idea of doing that with a girl also is.

zoegh wrote: »

Sounds to me like you just haven't met anyone you're comfortable with yet. Can I ask why you 'don't want to be anything other than straight?' Is it because the idea of having sex with another woman grosses you out or because you don't want to deal with societies opinions on it, family, friends etc? if it's the former, then you're probably not gay. But if it's the later, it is worth exploring. You need to be happy with who you are before you can be happy with other people. Very Dr. Phil, I know, but there is some logic to it.

I don't want to be not straight because I can't imagine life being different and seen as different to who I am now. My dad is very very homophobic and I somewhat think he wouldn't think twice about rejecting me and that would be devestating because I love spending time with him. Also people would look at me weird. I don't want to be an outcast. Really. I don't even know how much the idea of having sex with a woman truely grosses me out because any time I try to think about it a massive voice in my head starts to scream "WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!" I know this sounds pathetic but I really want to explore but I'm too chicken****. I don't want to be caught. Don't want anyone I know to see me and it'd get all around then. I couldn't live that down but this confusion is making life hell.

Eebs

I don't want to be caught. Don't want anyone I know to see me and it'd get all around then. I couldn't live that down but this confusion is making life hell.

Just on this point, it's really not all that unusual for people to experiment with their sexuality, especially girls I think. Just the other week another one of my straight friends told me she had slept with a girl to experience it.

So in terms of 'not being able to live it down' - it's really not that unusual and anyone who gave you hassle would probably be a massive hypocrite because chances are they've at least thought about it.

It's scary. I know it's scary to think about the 'what if I experiment and get caught, what if I am gay, and then what if my parents disown me, and what if and what if...'
That's the problem when our own brains go off on a massive tangent. You need to focus on the first steps and try not to think massively into the future.

Step 1 is to find someone you trust, try talk about it. You never know, a girlfriend might feel really similar and feel just as lost and confused.

Try go to a safe place, like belongto, or lgbt soc to meet LGBT people in a safe and confidential environment (straight people go too so if anyone spots you, you can say you are there to support a gay friend).

If you think you are gay, bi, heteroflexible, whatever worry about those consequences THEN, not now. All you're doing now is working yourself up into a mess. I know it's easy to say, I've stressed myself out so much about 'what ifs' I've nearly gone round the bend. The trick is to take a deep breath and try focus on what you want and need NOW, without looking too much at the 'what if'.

Definitely try talk to a trusted friend about this too. Or someone in real life. Don't keep this all to yourself (and well done for sharing here).


Edited to add:
if by any chance you're in college I would definitely recommend sending the committee of your LGBT soc a quick confidential email asking to speak with someone in confidence about this too. It's actually a really common request.